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What is the Yeshivish way to say condolences to someone who lost a loved one. I mean when you first see them. Do people say condolences
Say to the Bereaved “Baruch Dayan Emes”
Did you go to shiva?
In the first year you can still say “Hamokom yinachaim eschem…” I was very appreciative when someone told that to me instead of “so how old was your mother? Was she sick?” As if those two questions was how I defined my late mother.
This is a horrible question “what is the yeshivish way to say condolences??? DO people say condolences??”
it’s like saying, is it allowed for someone yeshivish to be a mentch and be sensitive to someone in pain, what does this have to do with being yeshivish?
ok thats a very reasonable question, and is sensitive of you, but it really has nothing to do with being yeshivish, it is a question that every person in every society is faced with. most people have a hard time relating to people and knowing what to say to someone who lost a loved one.
Say to the Bereaved “Baruch Dayan Emes”
Two minor nitpicks:
1. The proper phrase, I believe, is “Baruch Dayan HaEmes” (with the definite article).
2. This phrase, which is recited upon hearing bad news, is not meant to comfort the bereaved. It’s meant to express your belief that God is fair and true. “HaMakom…” or even “I’m so sorry…” would probably be more appropriate.
The Wolf
im sorry, i shouldnt have said it was a horrible question, that was very harsh and not true, it was a good question just the yeshivish part bothered me. im sorry, forgive me?
I recently sat shiva, and “Hamakom” was fine. I appreciated that people who didn’t know my Dad, or didn’t know him well, asked me to tell them about him. I found that tremendously comforting, because it allowed me to tell them the great things about him.
I’ll also say that I received a great deal of calls from friends in E”Y (I sat shiva in America); that was also very comforting.
justwant, you’re way overreacting and being quite oversensitive. If you’d take a second to think about what you’re reading, you’d realize that sbeph is not asking whether yeshivish people give condolences to the bereaved or not. He is asking if they use the actual word “Condolences” as the line to comfort the bereaved. It would have been more clear had he used quotation marks, but that is obviously what he meant.
(Now that I think about it, your misreading probably stems from the fact that it is a yeshivish thing to say “say a dvar torah” or “saying good”. In English you use the word “say” when mentioning the actual words being said. I don’t mean to imply there’s anything wrong with having a yeshivish dialect, merely that it is good to know what phraseology stems from that dialect but is not universal.)
i think i have a right to being sensitive about it without being told im overreacting, perhaps i read it wrong, but thats the way it sounded to me. im sorry for misunderstanding, but it is a sensitive topic to me, as i am someone who has been on the other side (and for losing someone much closer than a parent-in-law) so theres no reason to judge my responses and feelings either.
As another poster mentioned, just saying “i’m sorry for your loss” should be enough.
“i think i have a right to being sensitive about it without being told im overreacting”
You are absolutely correct, but you weren’t just being ‘sensitive about it’. If you’re prepared to say that someone asked a “horrible question”, you should be prepared to back that up (and imho you shouldn’t ever say something like that).
I am sincerely sorry that you have been in that position. Please be aware that because of this, you may be more likely to say something that you don’t necessarily mean. Btw, when I posted, your apology had not been approved yet; had I seen it, I would not have posted.
“im sorry, i shouldnt have said it was a horrible question, that was very harsh and not true, it was a good question just the yeshivish part bothered me. im sorry, forgive me?”
from the fact that the thread is titled yeshivish condolences, it seemed to me that the question was whether it is accepted for yeshivish people to give condolences, and that sounds pretty bad to me.
if the question is just wat is an appropriate thing to say to someone who is mourning, that is totally different but thats not how the question was phrased, so that threw me off.
You sit shiva
“I am deeply saddened by your loss. Hamakom Yenacheim…etc.”
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