You Dont Know Suffering

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    “Definitely, find somebody to talk with if that’s what you need — but somebody other than this person who will actually hear you out and attempt to be of honest help to you”

    Honest and constructive help is the key.

    I dont think theres anyone alive who isnt walking around with psychological wounds, with huge variations, of course. Some use that and become passionate about a cause, helping to prevent others from experiencing similar hurt.

    Goq, perhaps you can update us periodically on what helps you best ease and move away from the pain of the past and enables you to use your energy to focus on the good life has to offer, to make your present and future happier.

    That would help and inspire everyone else and might be rewarding to you.


    So this same relative has been quite abusive to me of late, a few months ago she and i had a disagreement and she called me and berated me with a profanity laced string of insults for about 45 minutes, and recently when i was at her house she went off on me for a very minor thing for about 10 minutes and when i refuted her complaints with the truth she was not placated at all, i think she is in dire need of some real help.


    Pain is relative. It does not help to try and “comfort” someone in pain by telling them about someone who “has it worse.” a Rov tried that with me, and it didn’t help one iota, I just came away feeling he didnt empathize or feel my pain at all. You should try and speak out and work thru your pain with a trained professional who can validate your feelings and help you move past them, people who have gone thru painful childhoods, especially with u supportive or critical/abusive parents can be scarred for life if they do not get help, I wish you much Hatzlacha,


    I think the best course of action would be to not respond when she goes off into a rant, and to terminate the conversation as soon as you can. Trying to reason with her will probably not yield favorable results.


    I’m going to agree with OOM. And I’ll add this, which OOM will “certainly” agree with me.

    Perhaps, for yourself, you can just roll your eyes and mutter (so that she can hear) “there the crazy lady goes again”.





    Well the night she was cursing at me she felt i insulted her husband i should have hung up earlier but she had never really gone off on me before so i wasnt expecting an expletive filled tirade but i will not put up with it in the future.


    Did you begin yelling “Godwin! Godwin!” at her?

    Please tell me you did…



    About two months ago you aired some of your grievances about your family and upbringing in a letter to your relatives. You mentioned how some of your family know that you post here. Well, I can see how they can feel embarrassed/upset about having their issues revealed, albeit anonymously.


    Goq -“she had never really gone off on me before so i wasnt expecting an expletive filled tirade but i will not put up with it in the future.”

    Now that you know – never have anything to do with these people again.


    It is never helpful or compassionate to minimize someone’s pain just because someone else has gone thru worse. your pain is valid even if there’s someone who’s been thru worse. the holocaust analogy, to me, is bizarre.

    that being said, i personally feel that even when i’m dealing with something extremely difficult, it helps me put things in perspective to see others who are dealing with something much worse. for example, i had a very difficult family situation recently, probably one of the hardest things i’ve dealt with in my adult life, and when it was at it’s most intense, i felt like i was breaking. but when i look at several of my friends who have teens at risk and are really struggling, i will take my peckel over theirs, any day. personally, i think it does help me to see that things could always be worse. but i would NEVER tell someone to get over themselves because someone else has it worse.

    i do also feel that many ppl are burdened with their past, and can’t move forward without properly dealing with it.


    I am of the school of thought that it is usually highly inappropriate and uncalled for to make Holocaust analogies.

    I went to a public high school, and a frum female teacher commented that a fight going on in the hallways was like the Holocaust because nobody got involved.

    I recorded the incident and reported it and the teacher to the Anti-Defamation League.


    RD- youre a bit bonkers, arent you?

    to address the op- i cant understand why peoples’ pain is delegitamized because something happened that was worse. There was a guy in my dira when i was a bachur who decided that no-one was allowed to say “im starving”, because had starved in the holocaust. He also got mad when people complained of pain, remarking that people experienced worse in the holocaust. So i aske him, if i hack your arm off with a pickaxe, are you not gonna scream because people endured gehenom in the holocaust? and he shut up.

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