Ah, Morah Torah. Like shalach manos needs to be 2 separate brachos.
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PURIM TORAH!!!!
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Posted 2 years ago #
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yeah that's another one. i think i mentioned that in one of the threads.
Posted 2 years ago # -
moish: ha Morah Torah is a cute way of callin those!!!!!
Posted 2 years ago # -
Mussar HaSePurim
7 Adar, 5769 Green Eggs & Ham
I am posting this lizecher nishmas Dr. Seuss whose birthday was yesterday.
Also in honor of the ham radio thread.“I COULD NOT, WOULD NOT, ON A BOAT…I DO NOT LIKE THEM HERE OR THERE. I DO NOT LIKE THEM ANYWHERE.”(HAM 3:26)
POOR guy. Our anonymous tragic hero started off so strongly in his emunah on the injunction against eating pork. In fact, on page 9 he sits on his chair and lambastes that Sam-I-am character to the whole reading audience, presumably for being a sonei Hashem who incites other people into sin. (This was in pious emulation of his rebbe, a noted Gadol.) What’s more, he appears in the book with a black hat, beard, and even long payos on the side of his head! Apparently, a very righteous individual indeed. Yet, by the end of the book, he ate treif and switched sides, challilah!
This is mystifying. How could such an apparently righteous individual stoop to such a low level that he’ll eat pork? He had such long payos, a black hat, and even a beard. If he was keeping the littlest chumros, surely the big things like chazer he’d be able to resist!
True, our anonymous tragic hero dressed very frum, and yes, he was strongly against Sam-I-am, and of course against eating pork. However, the true source of his frumkeit was not a desire to get closer to Hashem, or even a desire to repent for past sins, but a netiyah towards sin’ah. which manifested itself as a frummeh negiyah. His whole approach to religion was to find ways to legitimize his antisocial behavior. Everything was to be viewed upon with a “holier-than-thou” attitude. Therefore, if something wasn’t allowed, it must be hated, instead of just avoided. If someone wasn’t on the derech, he must be hated and nidcheh beshtei yadayim - pushed away with two hands (or whatever those furry things are), instead of being a target of warm kiruv efforts. Sam-I-am took him around town and showed him that, according to this viewpoint, he’d have to also hate a box, a fox, a goat, a boat, here, there, etc. So it must be, reasoned Sam-I-am, that humanism and tolerance towards others was the right way. Then, he discovered he actually liked green eggs and ham. The entire foundation for his religious beliefs gone, he had no choice other than to lamentably go whole hog with Sam-I-am’s lampoon of religion. He never realized that one could like pork while still being forbidden to eat it. Similarly, one could like Sam-I-am and still hate his destructive religious viewpoints. If he had a proper hashkafa outlook, he would have turned to Sam-I-am and said, “Why you tricky little devil! Of course I like spam-I-am, but it’s treif! and can’t be eaten! ”
It is extremely important to make sure we adjust our whims to fit in with Yiddishkeit (Jewishness), instead of warping Yiddishkeit to fit our whims. Similarly, we should all make sure that our reason for doing mitzvos is lishmoh, not for kavod or, chas v’sholom, as an excuse to ridicule other people. Finally, the whole problem could have been prevented if the frummie had a rebbe to teach him right from wrong.
We must all spend as much time as possible either in Yeshiva or in the Coffee Room (not chas v'shalom at work), learning the difference between right and wrong. Otherwise, we could end up “bacon” in Gehinnom’s large frying pan.
Posted 2 years ago # -
chofetzchaim,
these are hysterical!! Do you think the mods would approve a new thread to discuss what to do in case I meet Sam I am, so I can be better prepared than the guy in that story?Posted 2 years ago # -
chofetzchaim, that was very clever!
Posted 2 years ago # -
This was getting close to the bottom of the page. Anyone got some more?
Posted 2 years ago # -
Mussar HaSepurim
14 Adar II, 5760 The 3 Little Pigs
“AND THE WOLF SLID DOWN THE CHIMNEY, WHERE HE LANDED IN A POT OF BOILING
WATER (PIGS 3:16)THE wolf was a cunning predator. He successfully managed to expel 2 of the 3 little pigs from their homes. (The first two pigs, coincidentally, were named after rows on the keyboard). The 2 pigs ran to the home of the third pig, who had made himself a house of solid brick. The wolf couldn’t huff, puff, snort, or blow the house down, proving that the bricks were indeed cost-effective, not just another pork-barrel expenditure. Annoyed at his inability to get his lunch, he quickly contrived a plan to slide down the chimney. Unfortunately, like most hastily conceived plans, his quickly landed him in hot water. The last thing that went through his mind was a fork.
The behavior of the Shvartzeh Wolf is extremely disconcerting. Any self-respecting mammal is able to realize that underneath a chimney is usually a stovetop containing pots, or a fireplace. Furthermore, since the chimney was the only open entrance route into the otherwise protected home, it more than made sense that the cunning runt who built the house would have a pot of boiling water ready at the bottom end. The wolf should have realized this, and given up on conquering these swine. After all, there are more than enough cans of Spam on the shelf in every supermarket. Sure, he would have lost the thrill of the hunt and the joy of victory. Sure, it meant that he would have to take out his anger elsewhere. However, it would have saved a member of an endangered species, preserving the biodiversity of the ecosystem for yet one more day. While it’s easy to say that his anger caused him to improperly evaluate the situation, a shmuess in and of itself, what was the cause of his anger?
The wolf was indeed an intelligent animal. He realized that, up to this point, he had botched his quest to get himself a fresh supper. He had two options available to him. He could have turned around, acknowledged his lack of success, and moved on to something more productive. However, doing that would have meant admitting he had flopped. Emotionally, that was too much to bear - it would have hurt his mental self-image as an alpha wolf. Angered at the threat to his status, he pig-headedly looked for some venue of rescuing his psyche, and plunged fullboar down the chimney. Sometimes going whole hog into a venture just isn’t worth it.
One must be careful to control his, her, or its emotions. One should not let his/her/its decisions be tainted by petty things such as fear of failure. Fear leads to hate, hate leads to anger, and anger leads to the sitra achra, which can totally consume you as it did the wolf. In addition, even predators have their place in this world. We must all look out for preserving the planet’s biodiversity, stopping ecoterrorism wherever possible, and supporting wildlife conservation projects.
Copyright Y2.000219K CE. No fur-bearing animals were destroyed in the creation of this Purim Torah, except for a few wolves that balked when we stuffed them down the chimney for pictures. Ah well. We destroyed the evidence before GreenPeace noticed - nothing like a good tree shredder. If anyone wants cheap chopped meat, let us know.
If you would like to sponsor an issue of Mussar HaSePurim for an upcoming event, please feel free to do so. We promise we won’t laugh until after you left the room. Some settling of contents may have occurred due to shipping. However, this page was full when it was printed.
Posted 2 years ago # -
For those following daf yomi, the basis for this one came up recently. If a person steals chometz, pesach comes and goes, rendering this chometz she'ovar olov hapesach, he can give it back and say "harai shelcha lefonecha" because there was no shinui be'ein...hezek she'aino nikar. If the ganiv sold it with his chometz, what's wrong? There should be no problem with this chometz? If you hold shinui is koneh let the ganiv sell it with his chometz, if not, the nignav had it sold with his chometz? Perhaps we can answer that there is still a problem because the ganiv may have a problem selling it because he may be chayev daled vehay. So you'll tell me, daled vehay is only by shor and seh, there's another reason, the goy may not want to be koneh chometz that could be problematic and this chometz bleibs by the ganiv.
Disclaimer: I'm not really such a tipish. This is something based on false premise, but since I found it a bit amusing in it's lumdis based on false premise, I wanted to share.
Posted 2 years ago # -
"this is getting dangerously close to 'morah torah.'"
Well, we learn to avoid that from what the malach told eishes Manoach: "... u'morah lo ya'aleh al rosho." (Shoftim, 13:5)
Posted 2 years ago # -
>>Well, we learn to avoid that from what the malach told eishes Manoach: "... u'morah lo ya'aleh al rosho." (Shoftim, 13:5) <<
Nice one TJ. That is probably the BIGGEST segula for becoming a shofet!
Posted 2 years ago # -
Not purim torah per se, but as many people dress up like chassidim on Purim, it pays to know how to convert your litvish or American way of speaking into Chassidish.
The first syllable is almost always emphasized. The second syllable, no matter what it is, is almost always pronounced "ih" or eh", unless one is davening and emphasizing the words.
The following rules only apply for first syllables.
A litvish "uh" becomes a chassidish "ooh". "Cholent" becomes "choolent". "Loshon hara" is "looshin hooreh". "De rebbe is duh" becomes "de rebbe is dooh".
A litvish "ah" stays the same, but it's pronounced longer. also, when we litvaks say "Aye" (rhymes with "tie") (as in mye-riv", they say "maah-riv".
A litivish "Ay" (rhymes with "say") becomes "Aye" (rhymes with "sky"). So Pesach becomes "Pie-sich".
A litvish "eh" becomes an "ay" (rhymes with "say"). So "emes" becomes "aymiss". Melech becomes "maylich".
A litvish or American "oh" becomes "oy". so Torah becomes "Toyreh"
A litvish "ooh" becomes "ee". So kugel becomes "keegel". Kadishuhu becomes kadishihi.
During davening, all the conversion rules apply since it's said slowly. So "amein yehay shmay rabba" becomes "oomyne yehye shyma rabboo".
Posted 2 years ago # -
Oops. It's yehy shmy rabboo.
Now for everyone's favorite Purim phrases:
Freylechin Purim becomes Frylichen Pirim.
Venahapoch hu asher yishlitu hayehudim haymah besonayhem becomes Venahapoych hi asher yishliti hayehidim hymoo besoynyhem.
Finally, everyone's favorite song from the yotzros:
Ki attah hu melech malchei hamlachim malchuso netzach becomes
ki attoo hi maylech malchy hamloochim malchisoy naytzach.Norasav sichu sapru oozo pearu tzeva'av becomes
noyroosiv sichi, sapri eezo, piaree tzevoo'avKadishuhu romimuhu ron shir vashevach tokef tehilos tefarto becomes
Kadishihi roymimihi royn shir vooshayvach toykef tehiloys tefartoy.Posted 2 years ago # -
Jothar...unless it's Lubavitch, where they have a lot of olde Litvish/Yekish (not sure which) pronunciations. For example, their Cholum(Lit) or Choilim(Cha) is a Chaylem(Lub).
Posted 2 years ago # -
This is more Sheva Brachos Torah than Purim Torah, but it's also good to be quoted on Purim- not when the wife is around...
It says in Pirkei Avos, מרבה נשים מרבה כשפים. So this means היינו נשים היינו כשפים. so how is one allowed to get married? It says מכשפה לא תחיה! So I believe the teretz is,one מכשפה a person can handle...
Posted 2 years ago # -
Mussar HaSePurim
14 Adar, 5762 - Harry Potter
“NO, NO, NO. I TRIED TO KILL YOU” (HP SS 17:15)
HARRY and his friends had all the evidence lined up. The moment Harry first saw Snape, seated next to Quirell by the welcoming feast, his scar started aching. Later, Harry saw Snape with his leg all gashed and mangled, which could only be the result of trying to sneak by Fluffy, the three-headed dog. They saw him mumbling an incantation at the same moment that Harry was having problems with his broom. They overheard conversations with Quirell that seemed to indicate guilt on Snape’s part. Finally, he clearly hated Harry. All the pieces were in place. However, when Harry got to the final room under the trapdoor, it was Quirell who was there.
Where did Harry go wrong? All the evidence seemed clearly to point to Snape. All the pieces seemed to fit. Yet, when the truth was discovered, Snape was totally innocent.
The human mind absorbs information at an astounding rate; in order not to be overwhelmed, it filters the information through various prisms. One of these ways is to relate incoming facts to match previously acquired knowledge. Sometimes this works against us. Even when we are trying to be intellectually honest, we tend to unconsciously bend facts to suit our preconceived notions. Facts that contradict our “knowledge” are quickly forgotten. Any additional fact can’t be viewed objectively. Snape was automatically assumed to be guilty. He looked evil. He picked on Harry. Before long, every evil was pinned on him, from trying to steal the sorcerer’s stone, to supporting non-orthodox styles of magic. The truth was opposite of the assumptions. It may even be possible that his picking on Harry was just so the sons of Goyle, Malfoy, and Crabbe don’t tell their fathers that Snape wasn’t a Voldemort supporter anymore.
We must always be careful to maintain our intellectual integrity and openness. We must always analyze every new piece of information in a vacuum, ignoring previous knowledge and assumptions. By closing our mind to other possibilities, we lose our ability to arrive at the truth. This is true judging our fellow man, getting pshat in a sugya, or solving the Harry Potter books.
Posted 2 years ago # -
ok- I'm really running late with contributing, but here are some good, medium, rocky, corny and bad ones:
How do we know there were phones in Haman's times?
Achashveirosh told Haman he'll give him a "ring"
___________________________________________________________________________"V'noach hayehudim"
Where does Noach come into the Megillah??
Haman went to look for a tree that's 50 amos high... he searched and searched until he came to Noach's teivah. Noach didn't want to give anything that will harm the yidden. They argue... Noach is holding one end and Haman is shlepping from the other. Haman is stronger and shlepps and shlepps until he drags Noach into the Megillah.
_____________________________________________________________________________(Note: this only works in Hebrew and you need to unscramble ;))
Roshei taivos of OBAMA:
Urror Haman, Baruch Mordechai (aiyin, beis, mem, heiy)Posted 2 years ago # -
nice, except that obama aint from haman. he's from cham/yishmael not from amaleik ;)
Posted 2 years ago # -
wheres Dr, seuss in the megilla?
suess v'rechev
Posted 2 years ago # -
moish- it's only rashei tavos, connecting politics to the megillah, not more symbolic than that
Posted 2 years ago # -
oh- sorry moish- just saw your ;) at the end of your post (i shouldn't have answered so literally)
Posted 2 years ago # -
yeah you shouldn't have. why so serious lately, areivim?
Posted 2 years ago # -
moish- go to general shmooz
Posted 2 years ago # -
Wait, let's go with this one: using obama's name, you have the baruch mordechai within the arur haman. What can that mean?; I'm reluctant to put forth my first pshat which is deep within obama there's a "baruch mordechai" but it's surrounded by "arur haman" So let's go with a little kabbalah here and say, once you remove the klipah of the arur haman, we can get to the baruch mordechai that's within obama.
Posted 2 years ago # -
mayan- you must have started early on the drinking....
I can not accept any of those droshimPosted 2 years ago # -
Perhaps, I am in solidarity with my brothers out east.;
Posted 2 years ago # -
Mayan, try it the other way around. i think in obama's case the baruch mordechai is the klipa and the arur haman is the real dude.
Posted 2 years ago # -
haha! very good
but then that uproots the whole foundation of your OBAMA drosh....??Posted 2 years ago # -
Why did they only hang 10 of Haman's sons and not all 208? We have mercy on the Baal Koray who has to read all the sons in one breath. Could we imagine a Baal Koray reading 208 names in one breath?
What was the weather like when Haman led Mordechai through the streets?
It was rainy and muddy since it says that Mordechai went out with BootsWhy did Mordechai reveal the plot to kill the King?
This way two Goyim (the guards) will be killed and not just one.How do we know there were phones in Haman's times?
Achashveirosh told Haman he'll give him a "ring"How do we know the king thought of Esther as being an angel?
Because he called her Mah Lach EstherHow do we know the king kept a kosher kitchen?
Because Esther assured him Vakashair Hadavar Lifnay HamelechIn which month did the Purim story take place?
In May, as it is written Vayehee B’YemayPosted 2 years ago # -
these jokes require a new laffy taffy thread
Posted 2 years ago # -
How do we know that Esther was a major tzadeikes? The gemara (Yoma 75a) writes that the more righteous someone was, the closer to them the manna would fall. The reshaim would have to walk a great distance, the beinonim would walk a short distance, and the tzaddikim would have the mann fall at their doorstep. The pasuk in the Megillah (7:8) states: "וְהַמֶּלֶךְ שָׁב מִגִּנַּת הַבִּיתָן אֶל בֵּית מִשְׁתֵּה הַיַּיִן וְהָמָן נֹפֵל עַל הַמִּטָּה אֲשֶׁר אֶסְתֵּר עָלֶיהָ" - "And the King returned from the palace garden to the hall of the wine feast, and the manna was falling on the couch that Esther was upon..." The manna didn't just fall on her doorstep, it fell right on her couch!
Posted 2 years ago # -
Why did haman's daughter throw a garbage pail at her father? It says if a person finds chometz b'pesach kofeh alav es hakli (he should cover it with a kli) it also says haman min hatorah minayin from the etz hadas "Hamin Haetz..." the etz hadas was chita (according to r"y).The story of purim happened on pesach.So when his daughter saw haman who was chita on pesach she was Kofeh alav es hakli!!!
Posted 2 years ago # -
RY lol
Posted 2 years ago # -
Glad you liked it kapusta.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Moish, we don't know. But there is an Irvuvya (mixture) that we'll have to separate out some part and discard of it. Now, no one is suggesting that it's 50-50. It could very well be 99-1.
Posted 2 years ago # -
hey i know purim's over but this one came to me yesterday
the gemara says
מיחייב איניש לבסומי בפוריאאיניש is a very strange loshon. usually an "ish" is a more chashuv kind of person - not stam any Joe Shmo. we learn from here that really the mitzvah of drinking עד דלא ידע is for the gedolei hador.
so why don't the regular people have this mitzvah? because the stam guy walking around doesn't really understand the difference between arur haman and boruch mordechai. so he doesn't need alcohol to help him fulfill the mitzvah. the rabbonim, one the other hand, need to be under the influence in order to fulfill the mitzvah.
where is the only time we have that amaratzim are mekayem a mitzvah before a gadol??
Posted 2 years ago # -
moish, As our resident lamaad-vavnik, I hope you got plastered!
Posted 2 years ago # -
it sais in the mishna "יא יב יג יד טו קורין את המגילה" it dose not say wich month?
so you just gotta read the mishna with the pshat: ader יא ader יב ader יג....Posted 2 years ago # -
s.d.b.- please, spell check before posting. Thank you
PS- thanks for the vortPosted 2 years ago # -
i wouldn't use "plastered." but close!
Posted 2 years ago # -
Any new ones for this year ?
Posted 1 year ago # -
Hey, can we revive this thread? Purim is coming and we all need to stock up on Purim Torah!! Anyone have a geshmakeh vertel??
I heard this one from my rebbi years ago:
Question: Why is Purim called "Purim" in plural, if there was only ONE lottery it should be called "Pur"??!
Answer: On Purim there is a mitzvah to give Matonos Loevyonim to TWO Pur people ;)
Let's go guys, get out your Best (and corniest?) Purim Torah and please share them with us.
Posted 11 months ago # -
I'm sorry BallHaBooze for being serious, but Haman made a lot of lotteries (no pun intended but fine with it) he first did days then months (Listen to the Purim Story)
:p> mbachur <d:
Posted 11 months ago # -
My father in law sent me this really corny physics joke:
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.
Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.
Einstein says "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!"
Newton says "No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
;Posted 11 months ago # -
mbacher- you're absolutly right, but you can't be too serious. Enlighten us with a Purim torah, I know u got one up your sleeve...lol
Posted 11 months ago # -
ok,
this is an old one of mine and has no shaychus to Purim, sorry (hey and maybe it's true)
there's a Gemara that mentions what the Eitz HaDaas was, what it doesn't mention is Onkelos' pshat.
If you look at when Chava took the fruit from the Eitz HaDaas (Bereishis 3:6) the Passuk says VaTikach MiPiryo (and she took from it's fruit) Onkelos translates it as U'Nesivas MeiEBAY
:p> mbachur <d:
Posted 11 months ago # -
The question is asked for the difference between the pirsuma nissa of chanuka which requires us to light menorah at our doors or windows, and pirsuma nissa of purim where we lein megilla but from inside a shul/house out of view of the street.
The answer could be as mentioned earlier, that the main ness of purim was that when mordechai instructed esther not to reveal her religion or background, she listened and told no one!! To commemorate this, we keep the secret also and read the megilla not out by the street but from within the privacy and seclusion of our shul or home.
Shhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
Posted 11 months ago #
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