- This topic has 158 replies, 44 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 3 months ago by appleguy.
March 3, 2009 2:51 am at 2:51 am #1062330
Ah, Morah Torah. Like shalach manos needs to be 2 separate brachos.March 3, 2009 3:01 am at 3:01 am #1062331
yeah that’s another one. i think i mentioned that in one of the threads.March 3, 2009 7:50 am at 7:50 am #1062333asdfghjklParticipant
moish: ha Morah Torah is a cute way of callin those!!!!!March 3, 2009 10:08 pm at 10:08 pm #1062335
7 Adar, 5769 Green Eggs & Ham
I am posting this lizecher nishmas Dr. Seuss whose birthday was yesterday.
Also in honor of the ham radio thread.March 3, 2009 10:22 pm at 10:22 pm #1062337charlie brownMember
these are hysterical!! Do you think the mods would approve a new thread to discuss what to do in case I meet Sam I am, so I can be better prepared than the guy in that story?March 4, 2009 12:59 am at 12:59 am #1062338beaconParticipant
chofetzchaim, that was very clever!March 4, 2009 11:28 pm at 11:28 pm #1062340labochurMember
This was getting close to the bottom of the page. Anyone got some more?March 5, 2009 6:02 am at 6:02 am #1062341
14 Adar II, 5760 The 3 Little Pigs
WATER (PIGS 3:16)
Copyright Y2.000219K CE. No fur-bearing animals were destroyed in the creation of this Purim Torah, except for a few wolves that balked when we stuffed them down the chimney for pictures. Ah well. We destroyed the evidence before GreenPeace noticed – nothing like a good tree shredder. If anyone wants cheap chopped meat, let us know.March 5, 2009 8:30 pm at 8:30 pm #1062342
For those following daf yomi, the basis for this one came up recently. If a person steals chometz, pesach comes and goes, rendering this chometz she’ovar olov hapesach, he can give it back and say “harai shelcha lefonecha” because there was no shinui be’ein…hezek she’aino nikar. If the ganiv sold it with his chometz, what’s wrong? There should be no problem with this chometz? If you hold shinui is koneh let the ganiv sell it with his chometz, if not, the nignav had it sold with his chometz? Perhaps we can answer that there is still a problem because the ganiv may have a problem selling it because he may be chayev daled vehay. So you’ll tell me, daled vehay is only by shor and seh, there’s another reason, the goy may not want to be koneh chometz that could be problematic and this chometz bleibs by the ganiv.
Disclaimer: I’m not really such a tipish. This is something based on false premise, but since I found it a bit amusing in it’s lumdis based on false premise, I wanted to share.March 6, 2009 1:40 am at 1:40 am #1062343TJMember
“this is getting dangerously close to ‘morah torah.'”
Well, we learn to avoid that from what the malach told eishes Manoach: “… u’morah lo ya’aleh al rosho.” (Shoftim, 13:5)March 6, 2009 10:05 am at 10:05 am #1062345JayMatt19Participant
>>Well, we learn to avoid that from what the malach told eishes Manoach: “… u’morah lo ya’aleh al rosho.” (Shoftim, 13:5) <<
Nice one TJ. That is probably the BIGGEST segula for becoming a shofet!March 6, 2009 3:10 pm at 3:10 pm #1062346
Not purim torah per se, but as many people dress up like chassidim on Purim, it pays to know how to convert your litvish or American way of speaking into Chassidish.
The first syllable is almost always emphasized. The second syllable, no matter what it is, is almost always pronounced “ih” or eh”, unless one is davening and emphasizing the words.
The following rules only apply for first syllables.
A litvish “uh” becomes a chassidish “ooh”. “Cholent” becomes “choolent”. “Loshon hara” is “looshin hooreh”. “De rebbe is duh” becomes “de rebbe is dooh”.
A litvish “ah” stays the same, but it’s pronounced longer. also, when we litvaks say “Aye” (rhymes with “tie”) (as in mye-riv”, they say “maah-riv”.
A litivish “Ay” (rhymes with “say”) becomes “Aye” (rhymes with “sky”). So Pesach becomes “Pie-sich”.
A litvish “eh” becomes an “ay” (rhymes with “say”). So “emes” becomes “aymiss”. Melech becomes “maylich”.
A litvish or American “oh” becomes “oy”. so Torah becomes “Toyreh”
A litvish “ooh” becomes “ee”. So kugel becomes “keegel”. Kadishuhu becomes kadishihi.
During davening, all the conversion rules apply since it’s said slowly. So “amein yehay shmay rabba” becomes “oomyne yehye shyma rabboo”.March 6, 2009 4:39 pm at 4:39 pm #1062347
Oops. It’s yehy shmy rabboo.
Now for everyone’s favorite Purim phrases:
Freylechin Purim becomes Frylichen Pirim.
Venahapoch hu asher yishlitu hayehudim haymah besonayhem becomes Venahapoych hi asher yishliti hayehidim hymoo besoynyhem.
Finally, everyone’s favorite song from the yotzros:
Ki attah hu melech malchei hamlachim malchuso netzach becomes
ki attoo hi maylech malchy hamloochim malchisoy naytzach.
Norasav sichu sapru oozo pearu tzeva’av becomes
noyroosiv sichi, sapri eezo, piaree tzevoo’av
Kadishuhu romimuhu ron shir vashevach tokef tehilos tefarto becomes
Kadishihi roymimihi royn shir vooshayvach toykef tehiloys tefartoy.March 6, 2009 4:51 pm at 4:51 pm #1062348
Jothar…unless it’s Lubavitch, where they have a lot of olde Litvish/Yekish (not sure which) pronunciations. For example, their Cholum(Lit) or Choilim(Cha) is a Chaylem(Lub).March 8, 2009 3:19 am at 3:19 am #1062349
This is more Sheva Brachos Torah than Purim Torah, but it’s also good to be quoted on Purim- not when the wife is around…
It says in Pirkei Avos, ???? ???? ???? ?????. So this means ????? ???? ????? ?????. so how is one allowed to get married? It says ????? ?? ????! So I believe the teretz is,one ????? a person can handle…March 8, 2009 8:00 pm at 8:00 pm #1062351
14 Adar, 5762 – Harry Potter
Where did Harry go wrong? All the evidence seemed clearly to point to Snape. All the pieces seemed to fit. Yet, when the truth was discovered, Snape was totally innocent.
We must always be careful to maintain our intellectual integrity and openness. We must always analyze every new piece of information in a vacuum, ignoring previous knowledge and assumptions. By closing our mind to other possibilities, we lose our ability to arrive at the truth. This is true judging our fellow man, getting pshat in a sugya, or solving the Harry Potter books.March 9, 2009 7:12 pm at 7:12 pm #1062353
ok- I’m really running late with contributing, but here are some good, medium, rocky, corny and bad ones:
How do we know there were phones in Haman’s times?
Achashveirosh told Haman he’ll give him a “ring”
Where does Noach come into the Megillah??
Haman went to look for a tree that’s 50 amos high… he searched and searched until he came to Noach’s teivah. Noach didn’t want to give anything that will harm the yidden. They argue… Noach is holding one end and Haman is shlepping from the other. Haman is stronger and shlepps and shlepps until he drags Noach into the Megillah.
(Note: this only works in Hebrew and you need to unscramble ;))
Roshei taivos of OBAMA:
Urror Haman, Baruch Mordechai (aiyin, beis, mem, heiy)March 9, 2009 7:20 pm at 7:20 pm #1062354
nice, except that obama aint from haman. he’s from cham/yishmael not from amaleik 😉March 9, 2009 7:26 pm at 7:26 pm #1062355
wheres Dr, seuss in the megilla?
suess v’rechevMarch 9, 2009 7:33 pm at 7:33 pm #1062356
moish- it’s only rashei tavos, connecting politics to the megillah, not more symbolic than thatMarch 9, 2009 7:38 pm at 7:38 pm #1062357
oh- sorry moish- just saw your 😉 at the end of your post (i shouldn’t have answered so literally)March 9, 2009 7:52 pm at 7:52 pm #1062358
yeah you shouldn’t have. why so serious lately, areivim?March 9, 2009 8:02 pm at 8:02 pm #1062359
moish- go to general shmoozMarch 9, 2009 8:27 pm at 8:27 pm #1062360
Wait, let’s go with this one: using obama’s name, you have the baruch mordechai within the arur haman. What can that mean?; I’m reluctant to put forth my first pshat which is deep within obama there’s a “baruch mordechai” but it’s surrounded by “arur haman” So let’s go with a little kabbalah here and say, once you remove the klipah of the arur haman, we can get to the baruch mordechai that’s within obama.March 9, 2009 8:45 pm at 8:45 pm #1062361
mayan- you must have started early on the drinking….
I can not accept any of those droshimMarch 9, 2009 8:48 pm at 8:48 pm #1062362
Perhaps, I am in solidarity with my brothers out east.;March 9, 2009 8:51 pm at 8:51 pm #1062363
Mayan, try it the other way around. i think in obama’s case the baruch mordechai is the klipa and the arur haman is the real dude.March 9, 2009 8:53 pm at 8:53 pm #1062364
haha! very good
but then that uproots the whole foundation of your OBAMA drosh….??March 9, 2009 9:22 pm at 9:22 pm #1062366
Why did they only hang 10 of Haman’s sons and not all 208? We have mercy on the Baal Koray who has to read all the sons in one breath. Could we imagine a Baal Koray reading 208 names in one breath?
What was the weather like when Haman led Mordechai through the streets?
It was rainy and muddy since it says that Mordechai went out with Boots
Why did Mordechai reveal the plot to kill the King?
This way two Goyim (the guards) will be killed and not just one.
How do we know there were phones in Haman’s times?
Achashveirosh told Haman he’ll give him a “ring”
How do we know the king thought of Esther as being an angel?
Because he called her Mah Lach Esther
How do we know the king kept a kosher kitchen?
Because Esther assured him Vakashair Hadavar Lifnay Hamelech
In which month did the Purim story take place?March 9, 2009 9:32 pm at 9:32 pm #1062367
these jokes require a new laffy taffy threadMarch 9, 2009 10:37 pm at 10:37 pm #1062368TJMember
How do we know that Esther was a major tzadeikes? The gemara (Yoma 75a) writes that the more righteous someone was, the closer to them the manna would fall. The reshaim would have to walk a great distance, the beinonim would walk a short distance, and the tzaddikim would have the mann fall at their doorstep. The pasuk in the Megillah (7:8) states: “??????????? ???? ????????? ????????? ??? ????? ????????? ???????? ??????? ????? ??? ????????? ?????? ???????? ???????” – “And the King returned from the palace garden to the hall of the wine feast, and the manna was falling on the couch that Esther was upon…” The manna didn’t just fall on her doorstep, it fell right on her couch!March 10, 2009 4:24 am at 4:24 am #1062370RoshYeshivahMember
Why did haman’s daughter throw a garbage pail at her father? It says if a person finds chometz b’pesach kofeh alav es hakli (he should cover it with a kli) it also says haman min hatorah minayin from the etz hadas “Hamin Haetz…” the etz hadas was chita (according to r”y).The story of purim happened on pesach.So when his daughter saw haman who was chita on pesach she was Kofeh alav es hakli!!!March 10, 2009 5:27 am at 5:27 am #1062371
RY lolMarch 10, 2009 7:18 am at 7:18 am #1062372RoshYeshivahMember
Glad you liked it kapusta.March 11, 2009 2:53 pm at 2:53 pm #1062373
Moish, we don’t know. But there is an Irvuvya (mixture) that we’ll have to separate out some part and discard of it. Now, no one is suggesting that it’s 50-50. It could very well be 99-1.March 11, 2009 5:09 pm at 5:09 pm #1062374
hey i know purim’s over but this one came to me yesterday
the gemara says
?????? ????? ?????? ??????
????? is a very strange loshon. usually an “ish” is a more chashuv kind of person – not stam any Joe Shmo. we learn from here that really the mitzvah of drinking ?? ??? ??? is for the gedolei hador.
so why don’t the regular people have this mitzvah? because the stam guy walking around doesn’t really understand the difference between arur haman and boruch mordechai. so he doesn’t need alcohol to help him fulfill the mitzvah. the rabbonim, one the other hand, need to be under the influence in order to fulfill the mitzvah.
where is the only time we have that amaratzim are mekayem a mitzvah before a gadol??March 12, 2009 4:11 pm at 4:11 pm #1062375YW Moderator-42Moderator
moish, As our resident lamaad-vavnik, I hope you got plastered!March 12, 2009 4:45 pm at 4:45 pm #1062376s.d.b.Member
it sais in the mishna “?? ?? ?? ?? ?? ????? ?? ??????” it dose not say wich month?
so you just gotta read the mishna with the pshat: ader ?? ader ?? ader ??….March 12, 2009 6:43 pm at 6:43 pm #1062377
s.d.b.- please, spell check before posting. Thank you
PS- thanks for the vortMarch 12, 2009 8:08 pm at 8:08 pm #1062378
i wouldn’t use “plastered.” but close!February 19, 2010 7:13 pm at 7:13 pm #1062379ChachamParticipant
Any new ones for this year ?March 2, 2011 3:25 pm at 3:25 pm #1062380BaalHaboozeParticipant
Hey, can we revive this thread? Purim is coming and we all need to stock up on Purim Torah!! Anyone have a geshmakeh vertel??
I heard this one from my rebbi years ago:
Question: Why is Purim called “Purim” in plural, if there was only ONE lottery it should be called “Pur”??!
Answer: On Purim there is a mitzvah to give Matonos Loevyonim to TWO Pur people 😉
Let’s go guys, get out your Best (and corniest?) Purim Torah and please share them with us.March 2, 2011 5:56 pm at 5:56 pm #1062381☕️coffee addictParticipant
I’m sorry BallHaBooze for being serious, but Haman made a lot of lotteries (no pun intended but fine with it) he first did days then months (Listen to the Purim Story)
:p> mbachur <d:March 2, 2011 6:01 pm at 6:01 pm #1062382
My father in law sent me this really corny physics joke:
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.
Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He’s sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.
Einstein says “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve found you!”
Newton says “No no, Einy. You’ve found one Newton per square meter. You’ve found Pascal!”
;March 2, 2011 6:25 pm at 6:25 pm #1062383BaalHaboozeParticipant
mbacher- you’re absolutly right, but you can’t be too serious. Enlighten us with a Purim torah, I know u got one up your sleeve…lolMarch 2, 2011 7:25 pm at 7:25 pm #1062384☕️coffee addictParticipant
this is an old one of mine and has no shaychus to Purim, sorry (hey and maybe it’s true)
there’s a Gemara that mentions what the Eitz HaDaas was, what it doesn’t mention is Onkelos’ pshat.
If you look at when Chava took the fruit from the Eitz HaDaas (Bereishis 3:6) the Passuk says VaTikach MiPiryo (and she took from it’s fruit) Onkelos translates it as U’Nesivas MeiEBAY
:p> mbachur <d:March 3, 2011 7:34 am at 7:34 am #1062385Shticky GuyParticipant
The question is asked for the difference between the pirsuma nissa of chanuka which requires us to light menorah at our doors or windows, and pirsuma nissa of purim where we lein megilla but from inside a shul/house out of view of the street.
The answer could be as mentioned earlier, that the main ness of purim was that when mordechai instructed esther not to reveal her religion or background, she listened and told no one!! To commemorate this, we keep the secret also and read the megilla not out by the street but from within the privacy and seclusion of our shul or home.
Shhhhhhhhhh!!!!!February 11, 2013 9:15 pm at 9:15 pm #1062386usa-tralianParticipant
it’s that time of year again! Bump!February 17, 2013 6:36 pm at 6:36 pm #1062387This name is already takenParticipant
any body have a good vortFebruary 17, 2013 7:07 pm at 7:07 pm #1062388ThePurpleOneMember
soo confused.. whats purim torah? jokes found in the torah abt purim?
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