none, another thing you may have misunderstood or may have sadly experienced, is that you have to be perfect. My post may have seemed like you gotta be perfect and keep everything G-d says or else… But no one is perfect, we all make mistakes, we all fall down and find ourselves in places doing things that are wrong. We have bad days, we have bad weeks, we commit aveiros by mistake, we commit aveiros with intent. In no way are we expected never to err. And again, this is another thing that individualizes us. We accomplish differently, we fall differently, we struggle differently. And G-d intrinsically created us with the ability to refine ourselves, fix our mistakes, and return to Him. Life is full of ups and downs. Life is full of mistakes. And G-d, in His Kindness, gave us the concept of teshuva, of return, with which we can undo the bad that we’ve done. He gave us the ability to do teshuva, because in creating us, He knew we would fall, He knew we can’t possibly be perfect, He knew humans are full of flaws. Yet He also knew that we have the ability to grow, to yearn for more, to advance in Yiddishkeit in all different ways.
Hashem loves us. He gave us the Torah because He loves us. And we can maintain and strengthen this love between us and Hashem through keeping His Torah. None, your perspective of the Torah is that of a soldier’s handbook – all the rules a soldier in an army must abide by, all he must do, all he mustn’t do. All that is expected of him, all of his tasks he must fulfill. Yet the Torah isn’t a soldier’s handbook. It is Life’s Handbook. It is a way to live life to its utmost potential. Life is good; life can be full of happiness, accomplishments, successes, internal fulfillments, family, love, meaning, joy… all good things. And Hashem, Who created this world, knows the only way one can achieve such a life. And that is by following the Torah. The Torah gives us many positive commandments and many negative commandments, yet they aren’t merely commandments; they are directives for life. If you look deeply and learn about just one of them, you would see it bursting with meaning, with depth, with the ability to strengthen love between you and your Creator. Not only do mitzvos create a happy, meaningful existence for you in this World, they additionally, and more importantly, give you life in the Next World. They give you eternity. They change you from being a mortal human being into being part of G-dliness, into having a life that is forever.
Many people have a difficult time relating to mitzvos in this way – because they don’t seem meaningful, they don’t seem to be improving our lives in any way, they don’t seem to contain any benefits, they don’t seem to have much depth … And many times people feel this way because they are doing mitzvos out of habit, or because of social pressure, or because they are human! It is normal, and entirely okay for one not to feel connected through doing a mitzva. But one should always be yearning, be striving, to reach a point in which they do feel depth, connection, and the strengthening of their relationship between themselves and G-d through fulfilling His Torah.
What we need to do is OWN our mitzvos. Take one mitzva that doesn’t seem to mean anything to you, and learn about it, connect to it, understand why you’re doing it, why Hashem gave it to you, and what you can gain from fulfilling it; and then do it with intent, with feeling, with love. Every single mitzva brings you closer to G-d, and every single mitzva strengthens your relationship with Him. You are not a soldier following rules. You are a human being serving your Creator, fulfilling His wishes, and living life in the best way you possibly can.
None, again, I would like to reiterate that what you’re saying seems to be coming from a place of bad experience, or from unhealthy exposures. Torah, Yiddishkeit, and frum life aren’t bad, constricting, or shallow as you seem to think they are. Hashem created you. He created the world and everything in it. And boy, should you trust Him when it comes to how to live life in His world in the best possible manner. That doesn’t negate the fact that it is difficult to recognize and believe all this. Following G-d blindly isn’t a simple task. But even if one isn’t at that point yet, the first step is to WANT to reach that place. Begin by DESIRING to trust G-d throughout life, and WISHING to believe that His commandments will only improve your life and bring you closer to Him. And one day you will, with the help of G-d, reach that great point. You have to WANT. And even if you don’t want, you have to WANT TO WANT. If you want to come closer to G-d, to see how His Torah, His Mitzvos, are only for your benefit, He will help you, He will be with you, He will hold your hand, and He will help you reach that place.
One last time – all of us, me, you, we’re human. I make mistakes. You make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. And through our mistakes, through teshuva that we hopefully do, we become closer to G-d, we strengthen our connection to Him, we reach higher and greater than we ever imagined we could. G-d gave us a Yetzer Hara, and we fall once, we fall twice, we fall again and again. And he gave us a brain, He gave us שכל, to realize how we can get back up again. He made us human, with flaws, with desires, so that we can keep His Torah with feeling, with effort, with love, and not out of rote. G-d gave us His Torah out of everlasting love, and he wants us to keep it with love. If you are not yet at the point of recognizing and believing that, at least know that it’s the truth.
May you continue to see Ruchniyus success and happiness throughout your life.