Always, obviously you can see how concerned everyone here is about you. And how everyone here is basically of the same opinion. There is a reason for that. We all understand that no one is perfect and that you yourself have much room for improvement. But you are able to admit your faults and that will be very helpful when you start your therapy with the kids. It will allow for a platform of healing.
On the other hand, the fact that you are making excuses for him and looking for reasons why he is doing this, is another sign of abuse. You almost sound like a victim of Stockholm’s Syndrome. Do you realizes what your statement sounds like? “He never hit me just the children?” How skewered and backwards is that? It would be a much better and safer statement had you said “He never hit the children only me”. The children are so vulnerable and at least a spouse is an adult and can defend themselves to some degree. The children are helpless. He is smart in that he doesn’t hit you because YOU can show your bruises to a Rav or cops, or you can withhold from him what he wants the most. The children cannot.
Always, please please understand that the fact that you are willing to accept responsibility for your own part in this does not remove one ounce of responsibility for what your husband has been doing. You are responsible and accountable for your actions. HE is responsible and accountable for his actions. His actions are totally and unequivocally unacceptable. If you truly care about him, and if you want to make an attempt at “fixing”s the marriage and family, you have to consider truly opening up the windows and letting the fresh air in. That means removing him from the home, and making the home a peaceful place. If the Rav is the one that can help, tell the Rav to find a therapist for both of you, but in the mean time he has to move out so the kids are safe. Many couples go through a separation in order to cure the ills of their marriage. If both partners are serious about healing their marriage they will do whatever they possibly can to work on themselves and get back together.
It is very important that the children feel a sense of safety and security. They are NOT dispensable and they are not punching bags. You feel like you are all alone. You know what you felt like as a child with an abusive parent. Please don’t put your children through that as well. You didn’t bring them into this world to feel worthless. You don’t want your children to blame you or walk away from you because you allowed this to happen to them. They deserved to be healthy, happy and safe and so do you. The memories of your childhood are horrid. Why should the memories you are building raising your children be the same. Please think about what I am telling you and do what is necessary to make beautiful and happy memories with your children.