DaasYochid,
Thank you for your brachos, kind words and patient responses. You are also one of my favorite posters in the CR, both because of the extensive knowledge that you contribute, and also because of the sensitivity you show towards all posters in your efforts to allay misunderstandings.
I agree that part of the maelstrom that this thread has become may have originated from misunderstandings on both sides. I can reread the OP and subsequent posts as concern for a relative and halacha, and the responses (me included) largely zeroed in on perceptions of a negative attitude towards the poor or lower paying that may not have been there.
The other misunderstanding may have arisen from the OP’s categorizing the “candy dish” gift giving as the giver’s attempt to patur himself from the mitzvah of paying the shadchan. I wouldn’t necessarily assume that because a person is FFB he knows this halacha, and even if he did, knows what the set amount is. Obviously in the latter case the person should have asked a shaila, but the solution is more complex for the former case. The fact that shadchanim are hesitant to ask for money for their services in of itself is very telling about the state of knowledge in this area. E.g., since everybody knows a plumber needs to be paid for his services, the plumber is not shy about addressing payment.