Syag: Absolutely. There is a difference between sensitivities that can be compromised on and cut-and-dry halacha.
That’s not what I was saying, however.
What I was saying was:
1) He is not the right person to say it to her.
2) He should ABSOLUTELY not frame it in terms of the shidduch.
3) If she were to change for his sake and not because she thought that it was the right thing to do, it would not be an altogether good thing and it would probably cause issues. (I’ll get back to this.)
4) He seemed like he had an attitude like, “oh, one quick word with a rebbetzin will solve everything, the question is whether I bring it up,” and I just wanted to make it clear that this was wrong wrong wrong.
Back to #3- Yes, it is better to fulfill halacha, obviously. And yes, even if she were to change for his sake, every time she would overcome her instinct to do the right thing would be a mitzvah and a prevention of an aveirah. I still don’t think, however, that this is the ideal scenario, given what I wrote in the last post. The poster who mentioned his wife’s case was not dealing with someone who would change for the sake of the guy she wanted to marry- she was already inspired, already working to change herself. If this girl is the same then that would be great. If not then starting from the bottom up would be much, much better.
That’s not to say that she can use “I haven’t found the right inspiration yet” as an excuse for not acting in accordance with halacha. Definitely not. The problem is specifically tying this particular practice with a specific tenai, a specific tit-for-tat. I just think that that’s a very unhealthy attitude to bring into a marriage.
(Though, of course, you’re talking to Little-Miss-Marriage-Expert here. As Linus Van Pelt would say, we all know about unmarried marriage counselors…)