To blabla:
First I want to say how good your writing is! You have such talent.
I’m sorry that your in such pain; it hurts to see someone hurt like that. You seem like a really special person. I hope in time you’ll be able to get out of where you’re in right now. You seem like you have the strength and desire to get there. Hope you know that you don’t and shouldn’t have to do it alone. No matter if it doesn’t feel like that to you. I know how hard it is to ask for help; and only you can be the one to do it, but if you get it from the right place/person, no matter how hard it initially may be, you’ll benefit from it in ways that you can’t when dealing with everything on your own.
My thoughts are with you. And just remember G-d is ALWAYS with you: He’s the one who will always be rooting, helping , caring… for you NO MATTER what.