The pain was overwhelming. Tears were choking me. My eyes were a river. My yells were hoarse and hallow. I thought I’d die. But i didn’t. Unfortunately.
Depression means to me:
being locked into a black closed tunnel, or one that goes on forever.
being trapped in a blazing building, with absolutely no way out.
being submerged 1000 feet bellow the surface of the water, with heavy rocks weighing you down and you can’t swim.
People think they understand what I go through. People think they get it. But they don’t. They can’t. They never will. If I told you my life story, I think you’d die. Its horrible. Yes, its horrific. I’ve been going through so much. I can’t describe it. Its a vast emptiness within me that I’m struggling to fill. With food. But that’s the wrong thing. It needs love and support.
Strength,
its what people claim I have,
yet I’m falling apart.
strength for what?
for where? for when?
how?
I tell myself I’m finished.
I tell myself I’m going to die.
I write the words die and suicide on my hand with a knife.
i write it on my stomach,
in the hope that it’ll penetrate and kill me.
I keep the largest knife in my house under my pillow,
in case I have the courage to do it,
in the hope that my life will end.
but they say I’m wrong,
that once I die, I’ll only go to hell.
I say I’ve been through hell on earth,
I better not go through earth in hell.
Cuz that just equals double hell.
How can I be punished by God?
for committing suicide if I’m going through so much?
If I do kill myself,
they say I’ll only suffer more.
Is there any way out?
I tell my therapist I’m surrounded by misery.
I stay downstairs its bad,
I go upstairs its bad.
Where should I go?
she says this worlds a mix of good and bad.
I don’t believe her.
why should I?
she says I haven’t seen good yet. She says I don’t know what it is. And I think I agree. I agree that my life’s been all bad. And its only getting worse. I told someone about my misfortune. They said “what? after all you’re going through also that?!” I said yes. Ask God that. Is he there? I’m confused. Forlorn. Lost. Scared. Broken hearted.
Right now, I feel the world is some foreign thing. I’m detached and depressed. I’m sorry if they’re not good at all. Its just horrible right now 🙁 🙁 🙁