hehehe… so just sorta reading this stuff now for the first time (after already posting 2 poems, mind you 😉 and… blabla… man, can I relate. I’m in the same exact place. I always felt like scum watching it… still do, actually… but it wasn’t something I could stop. I couldn’t help it. I want to say I can’t help it… but that’s not true, so I’m not going to bother. I also felt all alone, because no one knew what I was doing, and who else could possibly be so screwed up as to do the same thing??? I never realized how tragically common it is, and maybe other people feel the same way that I do.
I’m so aware of my yetzer hara for it… right from the beginning I can feel him. But in my mind I tell him, hush. I try and keep him quiet. Sometimes I win… but sometimes I fail.
I think the reason I fail is because, after all, the argument is all in my head. Sometimes, when I’m alone in my room and feel like watching some of the yuck, I say out loud, “No way! I’m not doing this!” and that seems to help. It takes the fight out of my head and makes it something more real. It’s something that’s actually happening.
Because this fight really is taking place. It’s NOT just in your head, no matter how crazy it sounds.
And even if it is all in your head… it effects your soul. In other words, not worth it.