WOW: I have read through most of this thread and I find it very close to heart. In one important aspect I can relate to what you and son and family are going through more than almost all your responders. I too am a child to an english speaking family who grew up in on of the typical Charedi neighborhoods and I actually went through the “prominent” yeshivos untill about SHiur gimmel in Yeshiva gedolah.
As much chizzuk and feedback that you may and I’m sure you are getting from all these people there is something about growing up within this system that noone even from the most yeshivish Lakewood type communities in AMerica can relate to and dare I say, give advice for.
I will give you my 2 cents and if you relate I can talk more because I can go on all day and if not relevant then there is no purpose.
I have been reading your posts and some of what people are trying to convey to you and I have alot what to say. I will be a bit presumptiouous and please do not take this the wrong way. I do not mean to be judgemental at all rather just helpful. You seem like the classic person who has realized that there is a certain “spirituality” or standard of Judaism that exists or is personified by the Charedi community living in Israel (The modox counterparts would argue the same for the dati leumi crowd in israel as oppsoed to the one in AMerica) As someone smart once put it: In america, Judaism has become a great part of life, even the biggest part for some people. In Israel it is life. Some people won’t like me writing this but there is an element of truth to it. Be aware that this is coming from someone who attributes years of confusion and being lost to the charedi system.
I will explain. Whatever the reason that your son is hurting and I obviously don’t know what that is but from experience he needs therapy immediatelly. More improtantly, he needs from you to change your mindset. there may be alot of merit and truth to the purity that you have seen and arguing here for. But coming from a different perspective which is the one your son is living in and the one alot of ppl here are conveying to you, he sin’t so bad. He really isn’t. I don’t know how you should work out the details and he is only sixteen. What he needs is for you to agree with him on something very deep and essential to him. You need to figure out what that is. It probably is very psycholgical but probably also has philosophical underlyings. It can’t be that all should be the same and learn and not develop their personalities and be locked within a world where there aren’t many options. Your son probably has already developed a philosophy of life and however immature and chaotic it may be,and however fake it is because it is probably based on all the movies he watches,there is a kernel somewhere within that is based on what he percieves as true. you need to find a way to relate to what is really bothering him. I don’t want to project too much but there maybe be underlying cultural view that you have adopted but you may need to realize that there are faults in that world view even if it is as you wrote somewhere “the best of all others” and your son may have been affected by those faults and therefore he needs to feel like another mindset is legitimate even by you in a rwal way. After which He needs to be part of a system (mental not only practical) that would work for him. Parents, especially AMerican, in Israel, want to forget that there exsits a more compromising midset. you are right: It’s why you are living there and not in FLatbush. Just remember that there is merit to the non Chredi mindset of starting with the person as opposed to the ideal. Maybe your son needs that. Maybe he needs you to acknowledge that that is ok. This is coming again from someone who understands the dieals you are trying to live up to.
Maybe he can go to AMerica. He may have some hard times there. Eventually he will realize that there is noone to be angry at there because the charedim aren’t bothering him there. He will want to make something out of himself. Believe me I will not specify deatils about myself or people I know who were in the same similar situation. I will say that you son has the potential of being someone very well rounded and great being that he is so senstive and real and on the other hand was raised in a very idealistic environment. He may and proabably does have potential to be a great source of inspiration if he builds himself and bezrat hashem he will. Just do your best that the process isn’t too painful and strenuous. Make sure he has some energy left for after the rebellion.