WOW, did he mean that he can’t be religious because of you (something you did) or he can’t be religious because of you, meaning for you, if he doesn’t feel it for himself.
One thing I want to make perfectly clear. The home and the school are a partnership in the chinuch, nurturing and success of our children. If there is dysfunction in either the home or the school or they are NOT working in conjunction or are on the same page the children will know it and problems will arise. So when the family might love the child unconditionally but they don’t feel that love from their home away from home, the place that they spend most of their waking hours in, there is a huge problem. If the child does not feel safe, happy, nurtured but on the contrary feels humiliated, picked on, disliked, or otherwise sees hypocrisy and their role models are acting in opposition of what they are teaching there are going to be problems, huge problems.
Some children will react with just exaggerated behavior, not quite the “anov” yid they should be. Those are usually the kids who were not personally targeted. But those who were in the eye of the storm so to speak, or were the target of the negative attention and who were pained and burnt by it and carry the burden will react much differently, much harsher.
Think about it, the mechanchim who are supposed to be the greatest role models for our children, who display less than appropriate behavior make children feel that the religion is not real. And just like this mechanech and the administration who choose to allow him to continue “choose” which mitzvos they will follow or not, the kids feel that they too can “choose” what they will do or not, that the religion is NOT as serious as they were taught it was. That is when it all begins to crumble for them, it loses its stamina and they see the chinks in the armor.
The same thing happens when children who find that stability in the school but find their footing shaken in the home. Children have their two feet firmly planted one in the foundation of the school and one in the foundation of the home. If one or the other develop cracks the safety, security and stability of the child begins to crumble and the first thing that goes with it is what they counted on the most their entire lives, religion. The one thing they thought they could count on. That is the common thread that weaves through every area of their lives.
Children are just that children, their minds are not developed fully enough to understand more than that they have been crushed, pained and burdened. They don’t know how to deal with the pain other than to run and blame. They try to shed the pain by shedding what they think is causing the pain and look for ways to heal, other things to try other uniforms to try on. It takes time for them to mature and grow and figure things out for themselves. It takes time for them to get in touch with their pain and understand what is really hurting them or who really hurt them and why they felt so hurt or is still feeling so hurt. It takes time, maturity and some experience to understand what is right and wrong, especially for them, and how to differentiate between the two. It takes time and maturity to really understand who their friends really are, and how to make the best choices for themselves. Every kid thinks they know best, but when they look back in a year, they realize how foolish they were only a year earlier. My mom a”h always said “mit de yurin kimpt de seichel”, with the years comes the sense.
I only wish that we could truly trust every other Jew with our children. Unfortunately we can’t. Unfortunately we cannot protect our children from even our very own good intentions. When we send our children out the door we expect everyone to treat them as we do, or as we would like them to. That is a pipe dream. When we register our kids in yeshiva we expect them to hire only the best mechanchim and the best role models as if every single one of them were teaching their only child. It doesn’t happen, and we hope and pray that they treat our children as if our kids were their kids, and that doesn’t happen either or at least we hope that they don’t treat their kids the way some of our kids have been treated.
Let’s face it, you don’t need a license or training to be a parent, and you don’t need a license or training to be a mechanech. We have all learned that the hard way and unfortunately a lot of innocent yiddishe neshomas have learnt it the hard way too. I have recently found out that you don’t even need semicha to open a yeshiva and call yourself a Rosh Yeshiva. So for the most part children have managed to live normal lives and successfully move on into adulthood. Unfortunately for those who didn’t we have to help them through the challenge, as difficult as it is, we must do what we can because they didn’t ask to be in the position that they are in any more than we as parents asked to be here. No child who didn’t have any cracks in their foundation finds themselves in this predicament. No child in this parsha enjoys being here. So for those who say “OTD is a choice, these kids are choosing to leave the fold and are choosing the life they are living” I say, YOU Know nothing about the parsha and until you are in it, please don’t comment. I don’t wish any of you even 1/10th the pain these kids are suffering.
WOW, and whomever else is reading this, as difficult as this is for you, please keep in mind how difficult this is for him. I know it doesn’t seem that way at times especially when he runs off at the mouth. At the moment he feels like a man without a country. He is the black sheep of the family. He probably feels like no one in his home or family loves him or understands him. He probably feels like everyone hates him. IN HIS MIND he probably feels that the only ones who do understand him are his friends. In his mind he cannot comprehend that you would or could understand him. How could you understand that his Rosh Yeshiva was wrong? How could you possibly understand why he doesn’t want to go back to yeshiva, why he doesn’t want to be frum when you are so frum, when he is going against everything you believe in, when no one would even believe he is your child? In his mind he can’t understand why you would love him when he is spitting in your face? So he is testing you to see if you mean it, if your love is real or if you will only love him if he is religious, and he can’t be religious for you or because of you or in order for you to love him.