WOW, how did your husband react to that logic? It is very sound advice and something that I have been trying to relay to you about typical and basic respect and consideration. The choices he is making for himself are his and he expects you to respect them which you are. On the other hand, he doesn’t have to rub them in your face, nor does he have to be disrespectful to you or the rest of the family. Respect is NOT exclusive to the religious or Torah world. Respect is universal and without it, there is very little hope for mankind in general.
Please continue with your simcha plans and have much nachas from the source of the simcha and the entire mishpacha. You can’t let this child or these issues deter the joy you feel from the other child’s accomplishment or growth. Each child deserve’s their own attention and kudos. Each child deserves their own moment in the spotlight and their own applause. Make sure that they get it. You must put your trepidation aside. You can’t worry whether your OTD decides to show up or not. It would be very special if he cleaned up his act and realized his position in the family and made an appearance, even more so if he participated as a mentch, but the simcha will go one with or without him. Please understand that there are many simchas that take place when kids are away in yeshiva in Eretz Yisroel and parents just can’t afford to keep sending tickets back and forth to bring kids in or the Yeshivas themselves don’t feel that it is good enough reason to allow the bochurim to leave yeshiva and go home to participate. Yet the simcha continues with or without the missing child. In addition, when a family member is ill c”v, the simcha must go on regardless.
In this case your son is considered a choleh, that’s true, but he also has the choice whether to show up and act appropriately, show up and behave inappropriately or not show up at all. Whatever he chooses, it is out of your hands and not within your control. What is in your control is to be mesameach regardless and to make this the best simcha it can be for your other children. They deserve no less!!! And YOU and YOUR spouse deserve no less. So if you can accept this little bit of advice from me, put this issue to the side and enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Take your nachas from wherever you can and enjoy those moments. Bask in the glory of that nachas and don’t allow the sadness of the reality of your life leak in. You must count your blessing and not look at your loss. Now is the time to count your blessings and realize that simcha breeds simcha. So put a smile on your face and open your heart wide and let the good feelings of happiness and joy take over.
As far as a dormitory for your son, that is a nice idea if he would agree to do that. I don’t hold out much hope that he will agree. I would try Kesher, Neve and Ner Yaakov because they are more geared to American boys in pain. It is very possible that he would connect with these most caring Rebbeim who truly understand the parsha and have tremendous heart and soul invested in these boys. He might recognize their honesty and mesiras nefesh and that might make all the difference in the world to him. There is a manhig I believe from Kesher that is called “Kahuna”. I am not sure, I met him when he came to NY. The boys really love him. He says he is not a Rav, but he has a following.
Most important of all, I am so happy to hear that you and your son spoke. That is the most important thing of all. Communication is the key to all relationships and keeping the lines of communication open is the most important thing you can possibly do. How did that happen? That is the most important piece of information that you can relay to the rest of the readers.