WOW, at this point you really “need” to give yourself permission to stay out of the line of fire. You are entitled to a break and entitled to enjoy your simcha. In addition your child is entitled to have his mother be there fully and completely for HIS big simcha and be as understanding and caring with him about his needs, concerns, nerves, excitement, etc., as your oldest son. For these few days the spotlight needs to move away from your eldest and unto the star of the show. Please don’t lose focus and just try to let whatever happens with your oldest not effect you. Please try and implement the tools we tried to teach you to “ignore” the hurt and not allow ANYTHING to affect you or ruin this simcha for you. YOU are in control of your own actions. YOU are in control of your own emotions and if YOU choose NOT to let anything ruin this for you or your current shining star, then it won’t. Nothing is going to change in the few days that this is happening. Your oldest will just have to “buck up” and deal with whatever comes his way at this time.
Don’t look to get into arguments with him, don’t look to bribe him into doing anything for you. Give him his options and his choices and he will do what he chooses to do. He will regardless of what you say or do. So please make it clear and dummy proof “Chaim, I hope you know that it would mean so much to your brother if you would be there for him at the simcha. No matter what, you are still his brother and he loves you very much. It will hurt him each time he looks at his pictures and he will be reminded that you were not there. We will all feel that an important piece of our family is missing. Please try to remember when you were his age, and you were in his position, what you would have felt like if someone important to you would not have come.”