So I’ve been checking out this thread with interest and finally decided to share. I am your pretty typical BY graduate, went to what is considered the top seminary in E”Y, and went on to marry a ben torah who would be going to college for the purpose of eventually making a parnossah. (My parents were unable to “support”, nor would I have wanted them to.) Eventually, after 2 years (and 2 children), that time came and my husband
B”H found a good job. My husband is a really special person; kind, giving, honest, well-liked, hard working, etc. We have a very good relationship, always looking out for each other. Sounds great, no?
Yes. And no. After 5 years of being married, I found out that my husband has an addiction. A bad one. All along, I had this niggling feeling that all was not right, but I couldn’t place my finger on it, nor did I dream what it could be. Baruch Hashem, I was given the strength to deal with this (though it’s often very, very hard knowing my husband could have done these things) and my husband has agreed to seek help. But he’s done this for so long (since before we were married) that yes, when he sees other women, he does wonder why I don’t dress like that. It does bother him that I’m no longer skinny. How could it not?
My point is, I’ve learned a lot from my situation. Some of the things I’ve learned:
A- Yes, it is a man’s job to guard his eyes. But the women also have to be careful to dress in a way that doesn’t cause a man who mistakenly looks to look again.
B- Also, there are men out there who will look, whether it’s because they are bad or because they have an addiction. Why do you (the women) have to make things worse for their marriage?
C- An addiction does not always start as a real choice. For example, in my husband’s case, he heard some kids talking in high school and out of curiosity went to the internet to check things out. From there, it was all over.
D- If you have internet in your home – a mediocre filter will NOT do the trick. Make sure you know what every child (and adult) is doing online. This is crucial to prevent viewing things mistakenly which could cause major issues.
Just as an aside, a relative of my husband’s is very good with computers and does everything on the computer (business, learning, etc.) When I mentioned that if I could, I would throw the computer out of my house due to the waste of time that it causes, (and due to my husband’s addiction – but I wasn’t about to tell him that…) he very strongly disagreed. Sometimes I wonder – if he would only know, would he still respond in the same way?!? He admires my husband so much; if he would know what he was really doing, what would he think then?!?
May Hashem grant us all the strength to do the right thing. Sorry for this long post. I hope it shed some light on the matter.