May I interrupt for a moment?
I’ll discuss my own experience. I find that posting and writing positive, happy, cheerful pieces causes me to be same. My writing affects me. It causes me to focus on good conducive thoughts. (as I wrote elsewhere, I’m really a bitter sour-puss, mean and unfriendly)
I don’t know your story, wouldn’t want to pry – even privately (wouldn’t make me any happier). But for your own sake I think you shouldn’t be rehashing and dwelling in this vicious cycle. For your own sake let’s turn about face, with a bright new happy face! I’m almost sure professional psychologists of CR would agree. No? I’m nowhere near these smart, bright shining stars of the CR, but I believe speech defines a person.