bombmaniac-
I don’t have anything to say that directly addresses your post, but here are a couple of thoughts:
1) You’re a very good writer.
2) When having troubling / disturbing thoughts, posting and discussing in the blogosphere can be helpful to an extent, but it’s usually better to discuss things that are causing you angst with someone in the real world (which you may well already be doing).
Hope you’re OK; as Rav Scheinberg shlita says, “Keep smiling and keep going”.