Do you ever get the feeling…

People say that they have free will, but is that really true? I mean i know that we as humans have the ability to make decisions about our own lives and choose our own path, but how often do we truly exercise our free will? think about this the next time you walk down the street and see something funny. when you laughed, was it because you chose to laugh? Ok, bad example. When you chat with your friends, either online or IRL, how often is the content really coming from you? Sure you choose the words, and sure you type them or utter them, but how often in your day to day life do you actually sit back and consider your choices?

When you are debating a topic you are passionate about, do you actually feel that you are debating? Is it you who is talking? Or perhaps is it that shell of a body that encases your soul? Watch yourself go about your day and try and pay attention to how many choices you actually make. Why did you just walk in a circle. Why did you just smile. Why did you just dance. Why did you just sing.

Let me describe how it feels to me. It happens suddenly in a moment of introspection. I can be standing anywhere and doing anything, and it will just hit me. I will observe myself doing things that the true me never chose to do. Nothing wrong, just completely arbitrary. I will watch my foot tap. I will watch my hands move. I will listen to the sounds i make. I will just sit back and observe myself for a half-hour or so.

Now comes the terrifying part. I suddenly get a strong feeling of emptiness as i watch myself do things without choosing to do them, feeling trapped as though a prisoner of my own mind. I look on helplessly as I try and stop myself from tapping that foot but fail. In this trapped state I review my life and the decisions I have made. Horror fills me as i realize that i have made those decisions without the clarity of thought i currently possess. I think back to the times that i have hurt those I have loved, or said something insensitive to someone and feel a burning shame fill me. Little things that I have done, even 10 years ago, return to me in that moment and haunt me. Terrify me. Make me want to run and hide.

I look to the future with trepidation, wondering what I will do in a state of mindlessness, who i will hurt, how i will survive. At that moment I realize how truly empty my life has been, filled with meaningless actions and lost potential. It really is depressing.