eclipse:
I’m sorry you are hurting. I’m sorry you’ve gone through some very difficult times.
The question is what should be done now. Treating wounds with the wrong type of medication will not only not improve things, they will make it worse. Sometimes, a lot worse.
Have any of the Tzadikim you’ve gotten brochos from advised to inform your children as to how terrible you feel your ex, their father, is? If so, ask them to do it for you.
But I’m certain that they didn’t advise you that. There’s a reason why.
A Frielichen, Kosheren un Frielichen Pesach