Reply To: Who needs to change?

His lack of frumkeit affects me in the sense that he gets annoyed and gives me a hard time when I am involved in things: when I bench either I’m taking too long (I try to have kavannah), or it’s not a good time b/c the kids need me (why can’t he get up off the couch and stop reading his computer magazine to help me watch the kids while I bench? ). He doesn’t make time in his life for frumkeit and doesn’t want me to make time in my life for it either. My situation is so unbelievable, that it’s hard for anyone to advise me. A friend once saw him throw cups of cold water at me in a fit of rage, but when we tried to talk to my best friend about it, she asked “did that really happen?” (nothing like that has ever happened since). Even she couldn’t believe it. She does not want me to walk out, as she sees how hard it is out there for other singles. But she is not living my life. Her husband goes to minyan round the clock and does not put her down, b’h.

My parents want to help, but have limited resources, both financial and emotional. The advice I got is what I’ve been doing, which is to work on myself (my appearance) and get a job, so I could be independent if need be. The problem is, we’re not robots where when person has weight to lose they just do it and gamarnu. I did, and then had a setback after having a rough year with my special needs child. So I look at my future and think, how long can I live like this for where my husband simply refuses to touch me? I hate going to mikvah, which only later highlights the rejection. I’m afraid to go back to the rav to tell him my husband is still having this issue. I blame myself, and then wonder if the way he’s behaving is normal. I’m not running to move on. I just don’t want to be frozen in life forever. I am not a confrontational person, and am scared to be alone, so having these conversations both with our rabbi and him is difficult. Our rav is the rav he chose to pas kin any shailos that might come up in marriage. He was also the rav my husband went to after his first marriage fell apart. The only other rav we have is the one from our shul, who is quiet, busy, and we don’t really have a relationship with him (he was our mesader kiddushin. To dump all this on him is heartbreaking for me.