i posted this a few times in other abuse related threads…
abuse is about power and control. whatever the reason, whatever the possible cause, whether you, in his mind at least, were the cause because of your depression or whether he does it because its a shortcut, you have to realize two things.
1) he will do it again. he WILL do it again. there is no question about it. someone who has abused WILL abuse. it only makes sense after all. i mean lets say he tells you or the kids to do something and they refuse. so he tells her again. she refuses again. so he yells, and she still refuses. so he yells even louder and raises a hand. NOW she stops because she is terrified.
and this continues for a week or two until one day raising his hand and his voice no longer work on your precious daughter so after doing the usual, he now brings his hand down on her face. that gets the message across. until it doesnt. and thats when her head gets banged into a wall. and that works…until it doesnt. what then?
someone who gets used to exerting power and control by means of physical violence or emotional abuse never stops taking that shortcut because why should he? all he has to do is escalate and his subjects will listen…
2) this addresses your question “was it my fault” the answer is…that its completely irrelevant. i should amend that. not only is the answer no, the answer is irrelevant. take a step back from your marriage and your kids and review the situation in your mind’s eye as an unbiased third party.
you walk into a house where the mother is depressed (for whatever reason, quite possibly due to an abusive husband) and you see the mother lying upstairs when all of a sudden you hear a BANG! so you go running and you see the father bashing his little daughter’s head against a wall! the daughter runs away, crying to her mommy for comfort from her big bad daddy, and the daddy follows to where the mommy lies, trying to justify his actions or cover them up.
if that was in a movie you watched youd be cringing, yelling, crying, or all of the above. as well you should. youd be outraged that the father could ever do that.
do you know why? because that is not how normal people resolve conflict. normal people resolve conflict through rational, if a bit heated, discussion. shouting matches between couples, while not recommended, happens every now and again because that is how conflicts are resolved. both sides are angry about spomething, both sides need to let off some steam, so they yell at each other for an hour or two, they make up, and everything’s back together.
(by the way, the whole shouting match thing is hardly ideal…but it does happen every now and again)
THEY DO NOT BANG THEIR KIDS HEADS AGAINST THE WALL!!!
i dont care what you think you may have done to set him off, what psychological eggshells on which you may or may not have been treading when dealing with your husband…it is not in any way your fault the way he treats you and your children.
now for what to do. i grew up in an abusive home. my mother was bipolar and didnt always take her meds. when she got manic…i got abused. for the first 13 years of my life it was severe emotional abuse, but past that it progressed to physical abuse. and it never let up. once she started down that road the abuse got worse and wrose and worse until i had to beat her with a belt to get the message across that i was stronger and that she couldnt abuse me. no one should ever have to hit their mother.
your daughter should never have to hit her father. but trust me if you stay there the day may very well come when your daughter realizes that a knife can be used for more than cutting carrots, or a hammer can be used for more than banging nails and when that day comes it will all be too late for everyone involved.
abuse is like an avalanche. it snowballs, and snowballs, and keeps on p[rogressing until an unstoppable force meets an immovable object and then you have the answer to the age old question.
please, i beg of you, for the sake of your kids, for your own sake, and if it makes any difference for the sake of your husband…get the heck out of your house as soon as you possibly can along with your children. make sure you have evidence of his abuse, and run and run fast. leave him behind and never look back. it will be painful for weeks, months, perhaps years, but ultimately you will realize that you made the best and only possible decision for your and your children’s lives.
hatzlacha and i wish you only the best in life.