Dear aproudbygirl,
I was in your position decades ago, and my heart aches for you that you’re going through this. It is NOT your fault. SHE is responsible for how she treats you. The book “Understanding the Borderline Mother” helped me immensely. I saw my abuser on page after page.
Things WILL get better, maybe not tomorrow or next month, but they WILL. Daven for the strength to get through this. You deserve better, and you will be able to build a good life for yourself when you’re out on your own. BTW, under NO circumstances should you stay at home after high school. This is a matter of pikuach nefesh for your neshama. You’ll need to build youself a support system to counter the years of abuse before you start with shidduchim, not just for the sake of your husband, but also for iyH your children. I’m not the perfect mom but I am far better than my ‘role model’ was…
Another possible source of help is the Shalom Task Force. It’s strictly confidential, no caller ID. 888 883 2323 (718 337 3700). They can help you with referrals if they can’t help you.
Hatzlacha. I am glad for you that you have internet access so you can seek out support. There was no internet when I was your age and I felt so, so alone.