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As someone mentioned before.. call Ohel. They will set u up with diff ppl to talk to and they will tell you how to handle these situations.
Something that I felt helped me when I was in 7th, 8th, 9th grade, was just to spend a lot of time alone or in my room. That probably sounds like bad advice but if it keeps you out of the line of fire so to speak, it could help.
Contacting Ohel may not be much of an option if you don’t live in NY area. I think you should contact the police and discuss with them the situation. It sounds to me, like your mother has tremendous problems, and you are her punching bag.
adams- the police are too quick to remove children from their homes. At least in New York, they take kids away if the kid says so much as “My Mommy hit me.” and don’t give the kid back until the home looks like a showcase. My little sister once had a broken leg, and our pediatrician had to vouch for my mother that she did not cause the injury. They wouldn’t believe that a 13 month old baby can fall down and break a leg on her own. This was when there was no other bruise on her body… My friends sister’s kids were almost taken away because of a fall of a bike.
i think contacting the police may be rather harsh because i dont think her mother really wants to act this way, i think its just because the mother has some issues that need to be taken care of immediately. so i definitely agree with most of the people here that you should contact a rav or a rebbitzen or both and forsure a mentor asap because this must be taken care of! and aproudbyg, ur still in my tefilos, im still davening for u!! hopefully e/t shud get better quick!!!
i knew someone was bound to say it sooner or later. Sighhhh
She also said the local Rav and principal were not helpful. Ther is no mentor.The Mom is violent and who is to say it will stop at a ripped shirt? I didnt’ specify to report this to the police. She needs information, she can say its’ about a friend.
But you need information. You need to know what the law says, what your options are.
I think if you want this violence to stop, none of these ideas will help. I would tell your Mom, ‘the next time you lay a finger on me like that I am reporting you to the police.’ Then she might stop. You are condoning behavior which is contrary to Torah and civil law.
You have the opportunity to stand up for yourself here.
Actually, there is a lot of misinformation about children being removed from homes for child abuse. Though aproudbyg is describing multiple forms of abuse, the police or authorities do not want to remove children and cannot without exhausting all options first. Unless, there is immediate danger, the authorities would have to go to court. These is threat of harm but it sounds like your mother may need some supportive services to help her with the stress and learn new ways to parent. I am sure what she is doing does not feel good for her either.
If you are in NY, Ohel have preventive services that are free and voluntary. it will not appear on your mother’s record and you can receive the family help.
aproudbyg I think you need to invest in yourself and your children and go and see if you can talk to someone. They can help you find and outlet. Doing volunteer work can give you a place to go and meet other people. Your studies are another place. Speak to the intern if you feel safe. Take care of you. Surviving a parent who is inconsistent is hard and you cannot guess what will happen next so do not try. realize you are not at fault.
adams- interestingly, all of us here who have mothers like this are suggesting avoiding the police though, and to rather find a mentor, rav, coach, psyc… I do think that says something.
byg- rabbonim do do that sometimes to avoid starting a shmooze with a girl. If you’d call him on the phone, even anonymously, i think you’d find him acting differently in that setting. If you are comfortable with how the convo goes, you can later say who you are. Also, how about his wife? btw, after the reaction you said your principal gave about bullying, i wouldnt go to her with your home situation even if she did have time.
aproudbyg – If you live in NY call OHEL ASAP. If not call them anyway – maybe they can get in touch with Askonim and/or Rabbis in your town. Washing your mouth out with soap is plain abuse.
You’re so used to it -you don’t realize it’s abuse. You need help and fast. Stop feeling guilty and/or protecting her/them – it’s your parents’ illness -it has nothing to do with you.
maybe try getting in contact with rabbi horowitz??? He is very familiar with abuse and he may be able to point you in the right direction, and at the very least, give you some supportive words.
can your brothers put you in touch with someone, since they know the situation?
First, so proud that you have reached out to this forum, your posts are being read by other terns
in your situation, who for whatever reasons are not able to post.
I know exactly what you are dealing with. My neice had the same situation with her mom. No one in her family believed her and her sister, (living in Israel at the time, ). She finally came to live with me which did cause problems in our family, and is now an educated, happy, engaged, young woman.
It was not sn easy path for us, but she was stubborn and strong and insistant. She went thrum therapy and surrounded herself with people who were positive influences.
I hope you can find an adult who can be supportive.
I also didn’t know washing mouth out was considered abuse until I told my friend that my parents did that…
Rabbi Weinberger in 5Towns is also very involved in abuse situations.
I wouldn’t say you should call the police, but I agree you should either speak to a rabbi who has experience with such things or Ohel or Shalom Task Force.
I just want to say, its amazing what youre doing to get yourself help! It takes tons of strength and just keep it up!
First, so proud that you have reached out to this forum, your posts are being read by other terns
in your situation, who for whatever reasons are not able to post.
I know exactly what you are dealing with. My neice had the same situation with her mom. No one in her family believed her and her sister, (living in Israel at the time, ). She finally came to live with me which did cause problems in our family, and is now an educated, happy, engaged, young woman.
It was not sn easy path for us, but she was stubborn and strong and insistant. She went thrum therapy and surrounded herself with people who were positive influences.
I hope you can find an adult who can be supportive.
Both of you need immediate counseling. The thing about your mother is that, we don’t know what is the cause for this behavior. It is possible for you to grow up OK in this situation but experience would indicate future problems because you are living a continual traumatic life.
Perhaps the police is too harsh but the point is, that you should not have to live like this, and all options have to be considered. I have family members who because the parents refused to consider an alternative because of so called religious considerations, nothing good came of their Mehalach.
I do not think that the methods of taking your time to slowly and methodically analyze and consider this, is the best approach. If you could hear in your words your acceptance of this abuse, you would recoil in horror. It seems you are living in existential fear at every moment. This is utter abuse and
quite frankly, your mother’s behavior whatever excuse you can think of including drug addiction, is inhumane, off the charts, and she deserves nothing from you other than you committing her to full psychiatric and medical evaluation, however in your writing, you seem to shrug all this off, so that would be your starting point. I don’t know. If you want to suffer, then wait and suffer. But you don’t have to according to every moral position in the world.
SaysMe- I’ve just read some of your poems, they are so full of emotion and they made me cry!
Byg, as I continue to read this, I realize more and more how serious this situation is. BH I ended up OK. I’m married, happy and healthy. I did however, and I never talk about this, go through a bit of a rebellious stage after high school, though it was short lived, and I can all but swear it was because I just needed to get away from home and lose it a little after all I had dealt with. Yes now my mother and I are close and she is very special to me, but I still have to pray every day that I am a different mother. No one should have that fear. One time when I was younger, no more than 9 or so, I did something ( probably nothing really) and my father literally had to hold my mom back she was trying to claw her way at me, screaming I hate you I’m going to kill you. It was one of the more terrifying instances. The next day was like nothing happened and I was too scared to show a SMIDGE of fear or remembrance of the day before that I also pretended nothing happened. Who knows why your mother is the way she is but she needs help ASAP. You should not be in an environment like this. I know you say you are more concerned with you than your future kids, but this sort of abuse, I promise you, leaves life long scars. What, if I may, if your parents marriage like?
fkelly- thanks :-/. Like i said, i relate to a lot of these points. Sorry to make you cry though…
I gotta say aproudbyg, ur doing a lot better in a worse situation and you’re amazing for it! It is a lot harder after high school/sem though, when the structure of being away from home and with girls disappears. So the sooner the better. I wish i could just invite you over, and give you a hug. I hear what you mean about your rebbetzin. Re rav, i do agree with you totally. But i also know not everyone does, and many rabbanim i know are the same. But when i was in contact with 2 of those on different occasions, i saw how different they act to help n direct.
Btw if you want phone numbers for ohel or other help lines, etc, just let us know. I see your slowly cautiously adding details. Ugh the soap one. Hearing that one always shook me up a lot. But was not rare a generation back, so some erased the emotions they had enduring it and falsely remembered it as a valid form of chinuch. Sigh, what a world we live in.
Just my opinion, what you say that your mother would tell you yes she did ____ but it was nothing and noone you would tell would react- she’s not telling you the truth. She’s causing doubt so that you would never go to someone and tell them. Noone would dismiss it as nothing. They’d see it as something to be concerned about, look further into, or more.
most people dont. Its takes an older mind to put it all together an full comprehend. And a rebbi i spoke to said it should be that way, and its a bad idea to show a kid the full picture, because when younger, they need that security etc. You can speak to a rav from a different small community perhaps. The pro of your rav is that he knows your family and parents somewhat, and he can actively help and can speak to your parents. Its a big pro… But you have to be comfortable. I understand what you are saying though. (if i am guessing at your community though, i know who the rav is, and know he does work with some of the high school girls one on one and really has helped a number.)
You WERE able to just deal with and dismiss it for many years. But with age comes changes in understanding it, maturity, comprehension, ability and in how you deal with things. And your perpective on it will likely continue to shift and change. You are at the stage of wanting changes to happen now. You are ready to do something about it. And asking for advice and wanting to vent is a step forward. It helps many a LOT (like me 🙂 ), others less, but is a regular change most teens hit, to talk things out rather than keeping them held in. And can be healthy and beneficial. It is NOT however called making it into a big deal!! K?? Good, glad we got that part clear 🙂
<3 …. thinking of you..
You also don’t really realize that what goes on in your house isn’t normal until you grow up and realize what a house is supposed to be like..
Hope things get better soon!
With me, for years I was depressed, suicidal, wanted to run away from home, etc. and just couldn’t figure out why! Until pretty recently, actually
Hang a copy of Igeres HaRamban on the fridge.
Growing up with a parent who is inconsistent or possibly having their own stress, mental illness is hard. None of that condones violence. Washing a child’s mouth out with soap is legally excessive corporal punishment and not allowed under the law. Your mother may know the law but she is not abiding by it.
There is so much free help out there. If there are younger children in the home, you owe it to them to reach out and get help for your mother, father, and self.
There are many organizations even in small communities that offer help. The directory or phone book will list child related services or maybe a trusting adult can talk to your mom.
As you say, your mother is a helper. There are many wounded helpers out there who need to heal themselves too. She may be open to help if she is aware of it. Calling in the authorities may jeopardize her job. Sharing a family secret is a big deal and ofcourse chilul Hashem. if you are willing to talk to an on line community, please find someone in real life that you can talk to .
It is a big deal though. You are being abused, and you as a victim want to please the abuser. You mentioned a ripped shirt and a soft choking she did? Can you make a list of all the things done that are not normal behavior to you? It may help you.
Dear aproudbygirl,
I was in your position decades ago, and my heart aches for you that you’re going through this. It is NOT your fault. SHE is responsible for how she treats you. The book “Understanding the Borderline Mother” helped me immensely. I saw my abuser on page after page.
Things WILL get better, maybe not tomorrow or next month, but they WILL. Daven for the strength to get through this. You deserve better, and you will be able to build a good life for yourself when you’re out on your own. BTW, under NO circumstances should you stay at home after high school. This is a matter of pikuach nefesh for your neshama. You’ll need to build youself a support system to counter the years of abuse before you start with shidduchim, not just for the sake of your husband, but also for iyH your children. I’m not the perfect mom but I am far better than my ‘role model’ was…
Another possible source of help is the Shalom Task Force. It’s strictly confidential, no caller ID. 888 883 2323 (718 337 3700). They can help you with referrals if they can’t help you.
Hatzlacha. I am glad for you that you have internet access so you can seek out support. There was no internet when I was your age and I felt so, so alone.
It’s also very important for you to get help asap, so that you don’t become that same mother yourself. I know you would never act that way to your children, etc. Usually, the Mother you grow up with, is the mother you are. Get help for the sake of your iy”h your generations.
No, I never confronted her. It only stopped when/because I wasn’t there. If I went back to visit, it started again, and if not with me than with someone else (she hates everyone, not just me). After I had been out of the house for several years, I married and we became frum after that. She was and has been horrible to us because we became frum as well, but after several years she could see we were raising children with good middos. I think she also understood that she was only seeing us a couple times a year because of her general demeanor.
I got myself into therapy before we had our kids because I was terrified of being the same kind of mother she was. I kept hearing ‘oh, you could never be that way because you know what it’s like’, but I didn’t trust myself. Turns out my MIL has some BPD traits, and that has been gehinnom at times. The most helpful things have been a good frum therapist and living several hundred miles away.
The harder she pressures you to stay, the harder you need to work to establish yourself far away from her. Maybe make aliyah from seminary if you can. I don’t even know if that’s possible – I’m just saying it because it would be easier to stay gone when you’re already gone. I know how long it’s taken me to cope with the after effects of the years of abuse, and anything you can do now to help yourself is a gift you are giving your husband and kids in the future iy”H.
Good for you. I was very hard on myself for a long time before I really understood that the abuse wasn’t my fault. For years I wanted revenge and I wanted her to apologize for the years of misery. Now I just feel pity for her, and I realize that she must have been abused growing up as well. No one learns to treat others like that in a vaccuum. I can’t change her, but I also don’t have to be around her.
I have had wonderful mentors over the years who I am so grateful for. I hope you don’t have too much longer before you’re out of H.S. Having a plan is a really good thing…
I just reread some posts and I want to address this: “through out my years friends have always said they look forward to shabbos as a break from the week i always thought they where joking,cause in my house i dread it cause it means more yelling at me and somethimes things being throne,i said something ot my brother about shabbos and said he always felt the same way about dreading it… “
I wasn’t frum at your age, but I dreaded weekends and couldn’t wait to go back to school. School breaks and summer vacation were sheer gehinnom. This is not normal!! The day I went away to college was one of the happiest days of my life. I was very close to my father, although it was years before I realized he was to blame for not protecting me.
Hashem should protect you and give you the strength you need to endure this! I really feel for you.
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