A Humorous Item

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  • This topic contains 2,003 replies, has 182 voices, and was last updated by  laskern 1 year ago.
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  • #1173764

    haifagirl
    Participant

    Funny. I first heard it as an Idi Amin joke, then later as an Arafat joke.

    #1173765

    ronrsr
    Member

    I am convinced that it has been told about every enemy of the Jewish people since the creation of the world.

    #1173766

    ronrsr
    Member

    Chuck Jones, director of the most brilliant of the Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Wile E. Coyote cartoons, used to refer to the other people in traffic jams, and those who created them as the Anti-Destination League.

    In an interview with the New York Times, he commented:

    “Their job is to keep you from getting where you’re going.” Where Mr. Jones was going was to a radio studio in Manhattan, to give yet another interview about his new book of memoirs, “Chuck Amuck: The Life and Times of an Animated Cartoonist.”

    “There’s no point in cursing all these other drivers,” he said. “They’re just doing their duty for the league. It helps to know that this traffic is all just part of the conspiracy.”

    #1173767

    ronrsr
    Member

    A Jewish man is struck by a car in a busy intersection. A Roman Catholic priest is nearby, and springs into action and begins to administer last rites to the unfortunate man.

    “Do you believe in the father, the son and the holy ghost?” asks the priest.

    “I’m laying here dying, and you’re asking me riddles?”

    #1173769

    BasYisroel2
    Participant

    TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

    MARIA: Here it is.

    TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

    CLASS: Maria.

    ____________________________________

    TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

    JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

    __________________________________________

    TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’

    GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’

    TEACHER: No, that’s wrong

    GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

    (I Love this kid)

    ____________________________________________

    TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

    DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

    TEACHER: What are you talking about?

    DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

    __________________________________

    TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.

    WINNIE: Me!

    __________________________________________

    TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

    GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

    _______________________________________

    TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘

    MILLIE: I is..

    TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’

    MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

    ________________________________

    TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

    LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

    ______________________________________

    TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

    SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

    ______________________________

    TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?

    CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.

    ___________________________________

    TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

    HAROLD: A teacher

    __________________________________

    #1173772

    A600KiloBear
    Participant

    BS”D

    If Carlebach sang Racheim in Creedmoor….

    “So my holy brothers and especially my holy sisters, the sweetest of the sweet, the highest of the high, let me tell you about the holiest of the holy, the one who gets me to the highest of the high, mamash a gevald, my holy brother Raheem..” (now tune switches to Racheim)

    “Raheem, I get my smokes from a kewl homeboy name’Raheem

    On the corner of Utica and East New York Raheem

    Raheem, Raheem, Raheem.”

    “And I want you to know, I want you to know, last night I was wandering around Brooklyn, so lonely, so sad, such a sad night, because, you know, I have 42 different identities and I am trying to cash a Section 8 voucher and I am not having the right ID, and the man who cashes the checks, he says to me, your name is Martin Luther King? GET OUT, GET OUT of HERE I SAY, you are gonna make me land in jail, you no-good, you cheat, you liar, how far do you brothers think you can go with this shtick..”

    “So I wander the streets again, because I am so sad, so desperate, so strung out I will do anything to get high, Lord, get me high, get me so high like the holy brothers who are getting high tonight, and then I see Raheem, and he says to me, so holy, so sweet, so high, I give you whatever you want today and you pay me tomorrow OK, after you cash yo’ check from Uncle Sam!”

    “So holy, so high, Raheem, he gives me three joints, three joints that I share with two holy brothers I am meeting on the street, and we get so holy, so high, and I tell them, you know where I got this holy, this high, this sweet of the sweet, this weed?”

    “Raheem, there ain’t no one else like Raheem,

    He give out free samples too Raheem,

    Don’matter if you goy or Jew, Raheem, Raheem, Raheem!”

    “And there we are, me and these two holy brothers, so sweet, the sweetest of the sweet, now I want you to know, I want you to know, what is it again I want you to know, you know, it is mamash a gevald, sometimes this smoking, it is so high, so holy, so sweet, the holiest of holies, so you know, it makes me forget what I want you to know, so what is it I want you to know again,”

    “Raheem, there ain’t no bro as holy as Raheem!

    He let you get high fo’ nothin’ Raheem!

    Raheem, Raheem, Raheem!”

    “Now, you know, one of these holy brothers, he is so sweet, so holy, so special, such a holy man, sometimes you see the holiest people you know, in places that are not so holy, and they are not looking so holy, they are so special, so sweet, and he tell me, come, come with me, we go together to the holy brother Raheem.”

    “Raheem, the sweet and the holy Raheem

    With Raheem yo’ never alone Raheem

    Raheem, Raheem, Raheem..”

    “And we go to the holy brother Raheem, and the holy brother he tell the other holy brother, you know, it is mamash a gevald, this brother, he is so holy, so special, so sweet, he tell me you give us the holiest of the holiest of weeds and he doesn’t want you to pay..

    Now Brother Raheem, you know, he gets so angry sometimes, it is so bad, so sad, so unholy to get angry and he say to the brother, you think I am crazy, I give you holy smoke fo’ nuthin? This brother he is a holy Chossid, a holy brother, from the Creedmoorer rebbe, the holy of holies, the sweetest of the sweet, the Creeeeeedmoorer, the tzaddik of all eight sections! But you, who yo’ be? How I know you pay me back? So he throw out the holy brother, and, you know, it is mamash a gevald, the holy brother, he is so poor, so sad, so oppressed, that he steals my wallet and runs away, and there he is going away with my 42 section 8 vouchers, so holy, so special is Section 8, like welfare it is so holy, so special, so pure….”

    #1173773

    smartcookie
    Member

    Um…is anyone else blinking hard?

    #1173774

    Bemused
    Participant

    It’s probably not a good idea to knock other people’s jokes. Probably best to comment when we like them, and go on to the next when we don’t.

    #1173775

    Mayan_Dvash
    Participant

    Bear, that is so wrong on so many levels. I’m not big into Carlebach, but I’m surprised the Mod(s) let it through (perhaps they don’t like Carlebach?) At best it’s tasteless humor, but I think it’s more like into the Motzi Shem Ra category.

    #1173776

    smartcookie
    Member

    Bemused. I wasn’t knocking the joke. I’m just a bit surprised that carlbach is being poked fun at…

    That shouldn’t be tolerated here.

    #1173777

    Bemused
    Participant

    I hear you. I agree, we should not knock anyone. Since it’s not the first time that a poster has knocked someone’s joke here, I posted above. Thank you for clarifying.

    #1173778

    haifagirl
    Participant

    A friend of mine takes pictures of funny signs at the place where she goes swimming. One picture she just took is of a sign advertising:

    Divinity and Madness

    works by the artists of

    The Living Museum at

    Creedmoor Psychiatric Center

    Hosted by the Mount Mary College

    Art Therapy Dept.

    Does the Admour know about this?

    #1173779

    yidlmitnfidl
    Member

    “Rabbi! My wife is trying to poison me”.

    “Don’t worry! I’ll speak to her, & I’ll straighten things out.”

    The Rabbi comes back after an hour.

    “Rabbi! What is your opinion on the matter?”

    “Take the poison!”

    #1173781

    RoshYeshivah
    Member

    An eighty year old couple comes to the Rabbi.

    Husband: ” I want a divorce! “

    Rabbi: ” But why ?! “

    Husband: ” Every morning since our marriage my wifes throws a pillow at me ! “

    Rabbi: ” So where were u all these years ?! “

    Husband: ” Today was the first time she hit her mark !! “

    #1173782

    BasYisroel2
    Participant

    I found this post and I thought that it was very funny!

    Attention mods you can break this up and put it into 2 separate posts if it is too long to post! Thanks!

    #1173783

    theOne
    Member
    #1173787

    d a
    Member

    Why did Obama make a Seder?

    He wanted to lean to the Left!

    (I think he was leaning a little too far and fell off his chair!)

    #1173788

    myopinion
    Member

    The economy is so bad and the real estate market is suffering. Homes aren’t selling. In fact, some people had to sell their homes for nothing. But don’t worry, after eight days, they’re getting their homes back. Chag Sameach!

    #1173789

    d a
    Member

    Why, when companies make products more expensive they make cheaper quality? We bought liquid soap for Pesach. Same size bottle as all year round, more expensive, NO quality! I heard that Kedem says that they put in as much water as possible into their wines. If you put in any more, it won’t be wine. The same is true with the soap! It is more like diluted, flavored, scented diet water!

    What about the paper towels? More expensive but very cheap quality. And the same is true for foil! Its ridiculous!!!

    #1173791

    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    Have you seen the new sequel to Mary Poppins? Its about a top brainy historic hermit who was a poet who walked barefoot so he had many callouses on his feet. He was also frail from not eating properly and his odd diet gave him bad breath.

    The film is called:

    The Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis.

    #1173792

    Ken Zayn
    Member

    Great one Shticky Guy 🙂 ROTF

    #1173793

    Ken Zayn
    Member

    The Israelis and Arabs realised that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So, they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This “duel” would be a dog fight.

    The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.

    The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves.

    They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

    When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!

    Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.

    As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.

    The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog’s tail floating to the ground.

    The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

    The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. “We do not understand,” said their leader, “Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!”

    The Israelis replied. “Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”

    #1173794

    believer
    Participant

    someone goes to the repair shop that says we fix everything…and theres a sign on the door that says “please knock the bell is broken..”

    #1173795

    BSD
    Member

    Sign at a shoe repair shop:

    We are not saints, but we can heel your sole.

    #1173796

    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    A death row inmate had just been strapped into the electric chair when he had a bad attack of hiccups.

    “Do you have a final request?” he was asked. “

    “Yes, hic” he said. “I cant, hic, stand these hiccups. Do you have anything that will give me a shock?”

    #1173797

    REALIST
    Member

    Can someone please explain this to me?

    I just noticed that my ‘age-defying!’ wrinkle removing cream has an expiration date!!@!!!

    #1173798

    REALIST
    Member

    Hope some of you are old enuff to get this.

    What do Maxwell House and skydiving have in common?

    Both are good till the last drop!

    #1173799

    miritchka
    Member

    this is such a long topic! hey mods, whats the longest thread on this site?

    #1173800

    littleapple
    Member

    My wife is making me crazy with her weight-loss schemes, I checked five stores already and I can’t find any diet water!

    #1173801

    REALIST
    Member

    LITTLEAPPLE, I THINK SHE SUCCEEDED!

    #1173802

    BaalHabooze
    Participant

    A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver’s side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

    Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

    When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

    “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”

    “How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

    The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

    “Ahhh!” screamed the lawyer. “Where’s my Rolex!”

    #1173803

    littleapple
    Member

    Realist: yuck yuck

    BTW What happens after they make a luncheon in the public library?

    ans.- Reader’s digest.

    #1173804

    REALIST
    Member

    littleapple, wise guy! eh?

    Q. What’s the result of smokin’ too much?

    A. Coffin!!!

    Your turn…

    #1173805

    Naysberg
    Member

    Why wont sharks attack lawyers?

    Professional courtesy.

    What is the definition of mixed emotions?

    Watching your lawyer drive over a cliff in your new car.

    #1173806

    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    Annoying Scientific Laws?

    Law of Mechanical Repair

    After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch

    Law of Gravity

    Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

    Law of Probability

    The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

    Law of Random Numbers

    If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.

    Law of the Alibi

    If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

    Variation Law

    If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

    Law of the Bath

    When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone or doorbell rings.

    Law of Close Encounters

    The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

    Law of the Result

    When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

    Law of Biomechanics

    The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

    Law of the Auditorium

    At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

    The Coffee Law

    As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

    Murphy’s Law of Lockers

    If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

    Law of Physical Surfaces

    The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug

    Law of Logical Argument

    Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about

    Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance

    If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

    Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking

    A closed mouth gathers no feet.

    Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy

    As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

    Doctors’ Law

    If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But if you don’t make an appointment, you’ll stay sick.

    #1173807

    writersoul
    Member

    BTW it was the Japanese who bombed Pearl Harbor (though it does feel stupid to be making a 2 year old correction).

    A man is late for an important business meeting, and he’s right outside the office building, circling the block, on the lookout for a parking spot. There are none to be found, even on the next blocks over. Driven by desperation, he screams out, “God in Heaven! If You help me find a spot I’ll learn for three hours extra a day! I’ll take every single chumra ever dreamed of upon myself! I’ll—“

    As he is enumerating his promises, a car pulls out of a spot, right in front of the door to the man’s building.

    The man sees the spot, parks, then looks up again and shouts, “Forget it, God— I found one!”

    (There’s a really cute YouTube video about that— it’s in Hebrew, but it’s pretty funny.)

    #1173808

    Ken Zayn
    Member

    Computer Upgrade – gevaldig!

    Message to Tech Support:

    Last year I upgraded from Bochur Life 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors

    all other systems. Applications such as FarbrengenNight 3.0, Party Night 2.5, BaglesSnoozes 6.1 and Hangout 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

    In addition, applications such as Garbage Out 3.3 and House Work 2.1 have gone from select-as needed to continuous schedule Ignoring them causes Night-on-the-Couch 1.0 to take over all activity. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.

    I am thinking about going back to BochurLife 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program Can you help me, please!!

    Thanks,

    A Distressed User


    Dear Distressed User:

    This is a very common complaint which is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from BochurLife 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES program. Wife 1.0 is in fact an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to BochurLife 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once

    installed. You cannot go back to BochurLife 7.0 because Life1.01 is not designed to do this.

    Some have tried to install BochurLife 7.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under ‘Warnings-Alimony/Child Support’. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

    I suggest installing background application program C:YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur,regardless of their cause.

    The best course of action will be to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because

    ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.

    The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds

    5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install OtherFriends 3.3 as a primary operating system. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

    Thanks for using our Tech Support.

    #1173809

    REALIST
    Member

    For years, Morty Goldberg spent his Saturdays golfing. But when his wife died, he regularly began attending Saturday morning services so that he could say kaddish for her.

    Once the period had passed, the ritual chair asked Morty if he

    would like an aliyah the following Saturday. Morty said he’d be honored.

    But when folding up his tallis after the service, he realized if he was going

    to have an aliyah, he really should have his tallis cleaned.

    So on his way to work Monday morning, he figured he’d stop at Cohen’s

    Dry Cleaning and drop off the tallis. He pulls into the parking lot and

    proceeds to blanche when he sees the sign on the door: Achmed’s Dry

    Cleaning.

    He goes in and asks the owner, “What happened to Cohen?”

    “Sir,” said Achmed, “Mr. Cohen has retired. I spent many years working

    for him, and I bought out his business. And I am proud to say that many

    of his best customers still use my services.”

    Morty shows him that tallis and asks if he can have it clean by Fridy.

    “Friday is my sabbath,” explained Achmed. “But I can have it ready

    for you Thursday.”

    Even better, Morty thinks, so he leaves the tallis with Achmed.

    Thursday he comes to pick it up, and sure enough, it’s ready and

    hanging on a hanger in side a protective plastic overcover. “How

    much do I owe you?” he asks.

    “$49.95 plus tax,” Achmed answers.

    “$49.95!” screams Morty. “Cohen never charged me more than

    five bucks to clean my tallis.”

    “Yes, Mr. Goldberg,” said Achmed, “but Mr. Cohen never got all

    the knots out…”

    #1173810

    Englishman
    Member
    #1173811

    Englishman
    Member
    #1173812

    Englishman
    Member

    Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.I gave him a glass of water.

    #1173813

    Ken Zayn
    Member

    Just bought a CD called ‘LATIN MIX’. Turned out to be 1,009 songs from Ancient Rome

    #1173814

    Ken Zayn
    Member

    Rastaman goes to the bank with a 25kg bag of marijuana and hands it over to the cashier…SHOCKED, the cashier asks.. “What’s this for?”… the Rastaman replies… “Me here to open a joint account”….

    #1173815

    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    Can’t believe Kim Jong Un has won

    North Korea’s Got Talent AGAIN.

    #1173816

    Alter1
    Participant

    A chasidishe baal tshuva attends his first Bar Mitzva.

    He asks, “Where is the bar?”

    “There is no bar here.”

    He replies: “There is no mitzva without schnapps!”

    #1173817

    Joseph
    Participant

    There are 10 kinds of people in the world; those who understand binary and those who don’t.

    #1173818

    emmet
    Member

    There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench. One said ‘It is so windy out here’. The second one replied, ‘It is not Wednesday, it is Thursday’. To which the third replied, ‘Yes, I am also thirsty’!

    #1173819

    emmet
    Member

    A Rebbe and his followers went out to recite Tashlich by the waters. As soon as the Rebbe began throwing his sins in to the water, his followers began to push each other to try and grab some of his holy sins. The Gabbai shouted, ‘There is no need to push, there is enough for everyone’!

    #1173820

    SayIDidIt™
    Participant

    This probably was posted previously, but who cares? 🙂

    Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and be quiet!

    SiDi™

    #1173821

    Bumpius Humorus!

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