A Humorous Item

Home Forums Humor & Entertainment A Humorous Item

Viewing 50 posts - 101 through 150 (of 2,008 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #1171648

    Feivel-

    3) A mikva holding precisely forty se’ah of water, and a person who requires tevila. After the tevila, the person is tahor, but the mikva is no longer kosher, and won’t be until enough water is added to bring it back to forty se’ah.

    Moderator – I posted this earlier, but it may have gotten lost. Please don’t double-post this if you just haven’t posted what I sent about an hour ago.

    #1171649

    feivel,

    for number 3 I’d guess a woman receiving a get. The kosher get becomes posul (it can’t be reused by someone else), and the married woman who was assur to marry another man is now divorced and muttar.

    #1171650

    Joseph
    Participant

    ICOT: I’m still eagerly await a response from you on our long-ago discussion! You were supposed to ask a shaila… 🙂

    #1171651

    noitallmr
    Participant

    This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

    He immediately phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

    George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

    “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”

    Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

    One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

    George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

    #1171652

    Joseph-

    I will bli neder ask the shailos and post the answers here.

    Sorry for taking so looooooooooooooong, and thanks for your patience.

    #1171653

    The Big One
    Participant

    No intent to be acidic, but if a user named jewishabortionist02 came by and sincerely and earnestly expressed his modern ideas and philosophies in a respectful manner, and was quite adamant about it, that abortion ought to be legal and unimpeded by any Rabbis through the 9th month, and comes not seeking to be convinced otherwise but to rather express his ideas as equal to the opposing view…

    What would the appropriate response be in your view?

    #1171654

    mdlevine
    Member

    noitallmr you wrote: “This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi”

    I am not so sure that this is true. It is probably more of an urban legend. cute story, maybe. true, probably not.

    #1171655

    The Big One
    Participant

    …actually this is the wrong thread for such a serious discussion…

    I opened a new thread for this, and hopefully the moderator will be kind enough to post it soon (and we can discuss it there, rather than here.)

    #1171656

    The Big One-

    That’s a good question.

    To avoid hijacking this thread, let’s continue this discussion in the “Respect for other posters comments” thread – I’ll reply there.

    #1171657

    feivel
    Participant

    charlie

    the get isnt called a posul get after its been given. the woman saves it. if a shaila should arise regarding the divorce she would present it to Bais Din. they would examine it, question witnesses, determine if the get was kosher or pasul, its not pasul because it was given. just like a receipt for a payment isnt pasul, or a shtar used to purchase land isnt called a pasul shtar after its given

    #1171658

    feivel
    Participant

    the answer to 3:

    a woman goes into a Mikveh that has been measured and found to be exactly 40 seah before her tvilah, she becomes mutar to her husband and the Mikveh becomes pasul because of the water that is removed upon her as she exits the Mikveh. a Gemorrah states this din explicitly.

    #1171659

    feivel
    Participant

    i can only try:

    i apologize

    i see you got it!

    excellent, very difficult riddle

    #1171660

    feivel-

    Thank you.

    On your account additional learning was done.

    #1171661

    Joseph
    Participant

    If a man says something in the forest, and his wife isn’t there to hear him, he is still wrong.

    #1171662

    smartcookie
    Member

    A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She

    lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a

    boat below.

    She shouts to him, ‘Excuse me, can you help me? I

    promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I

    don’t know where I am.’

    The man consults his portable GPS and replies, ‘You’re

    in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a

    ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are

    at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100

    degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

    She rolls her eyes and says, ‘You must be a

    Republican!’

    ‘I am,’ replies the man. ‘How did you know?’

    ‘Well,’ answers the balloonist, ‘everything you tell

    me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to

    do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly,

    you’re not much help to me.’

    The man smiles and responds, ‘You must be a Democrat.’

    ‘I am,’ replies the balloonist. ‘How did you know?’

    ‘Well,’ says the man, ‘You don’t know where you are or

    where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are, due

    to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise

    that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect

    me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same

    position you were in before we met, but, somehow,

    now it’s my fault.

    #1171663

    A man was advised to set his GPS to a woman’s voice so he would get used to listening to a woman.

    #1171664

    smartcookie
    Member

    As a birthday present, a woman asked her husband for something that accelerates form 0-100 in 4 seconds, expecting the latest sportscar. Fullfilling her wish, she unwrapped the gift only to find a brand new digital scale!!!!

    #1171665

    feivel
    Participant

    how many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

    #1171666

    noitallmr
    Participant

    A man gave his shvigger a tissue and said to her, “this should be the only thing you stick your nose into…”

    A shvigger gave her son-in-law three ties. He comes down wearing one of them. She says to him “so you don’t like the other ones eh?”

    #1171667

    noitallmr
    Participant

    How many Lubavitchers does it take to change a light bulb?

    None. They don’t believe it died…

    #1171668

    feivel
    Participant

    a yekke and a chasid got married

    the chuppah began EXACTLY one half hour late.

    #1171669

    squeak
    Participant

    Nice to see this thread getting back on track.

    While we’re on the subject of Yekke jokes….

    Adam Harishon was the first Yekke. We know this because Hashem called him “Ayekke”. Onkelus probably did not like Yekkes, because he translated this “Anut”.

    #1171670

    noitallmr
    Participant

    Marriage is not a word but a sentence. A life sentence.

    #1171671

    REALIST
    Member

    Subj: “Le-a”?

    How would you pronounce this child’s name: “Le-a”?

    Leah?? NO

    Lee – A?? NOPE

    Lay – a?? NO

    Lei?? Guess Again.

    It’s pronounced “Ledasha” Oh yes…you read it right.

    This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce it correctly. When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said “the dash isn’t silent.”

    #1171672

    REALIST
    Member

    Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of

    causing the trouble they were having in the apartment

    building where they lived.

    The women were arguing noisily even in the court.

    The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them, said, “We are

    going to do this in an orderly manner. I can’t listen to all

    of you at once. I’ll hear the oldest first.”

    The case was dismissed for lack of testimony!

    #1171673

    before a man gets married, he’s incomplete. After he gets married he’s finished.

    #1171674

    Ashrecha Yisroel
    Participant

    “Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?” – George Carlin

    #1171675

    How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: “Ah, don’t worry about it. I’ll just sit here, in the dark, alone…”

    #1171676

    mazal77
    Participant

    Hi, this is your new president, all white people report to the plantation, Monday morning….

    #1171679

    ujm
    Participant

    Q. Why did the chicken cross the street?

    A. He wanted to get to the other side.

    (ouch)

    #1171680

    noitallmr
    Participant

    Re: UJM:

    Why did the chewing gum cross the street?

    It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

    (even bigger ouch)

    #1171681

    Don’t sympathize with a lost cause, because:

    Sympathetic –

    sym- = “with”

    pathetic = something you don’t want to be

    (Re-posted upon request)

    #1171682

    iluvchulent
    Member

    Marriage is an Institution. – But I’m not ready to be institutionalized!

    #1171683

    Ashrecha Yisroel
    Participant

    What’s the difference between a computer and an actuary?

    Computers have hearts!

    #1171684

    oomis
    Participant

    “How come “gullible” is not in the dictionary? “

    No do you really think we are THAT gullible as to look it up?????????

    #1171687

    smh1
    Member

    I feel I must remind everyone that this website and coffee room are open to ANYONE ANYWHERE, and jokes such as these may not seem funny to many, and in fact, may cause harm. please be careful when posting. we know that “others” do read these pages.

    #1171688

    Moderator-

    smh1 has a point. Please remove my previous two posts.

    YW MODERATOR – The posts have been deleted.

    #1171689

    squeak
    Participant

    What’s an actuary?

    #1171690

    squeak
    Participant

    Never mind, I just looked it up. It’s a place where they bury dead actors.

    #1171691

    chaimss
    Participant

    Squeak, that’s actually pretty good 🙂

    An “Enlightened” man was walking down the street without a yarmulke. (Note: These were the times of the actual enlightenment and these people were real apikorsim, not tinokos shenishbos like today.) The Rebbe goes over to him and asks,

    “Tell me, are you a kohein or a Levi?”

    “Why would you think I’m a kohein or a Levi?” he asked, surprised.

    “Because you certainly don’t look like a Yisroel.” 🙂

    #1171692

    chaimss-

    You reminded me of this one

    (From a yeshiva dorm counselor, trying to maintain order):

    “If you’re a kohain, you you have a problem. There’s a mes(s) in your room.”

    #1171693

    bigmo
    Participant

    If you’re at the airport and you look in the rearview mirror and see a plane flying right at you, what do you do?

    Adjust the rearview mirror!

    #1171695

    What happened to the chicken who slept under the car?

    #1171696

    Hint: it’s not a gross answer.

    #1171697

    The Queen of Persia-

    It must have been wheely worn out.

    I hope it wasn’t two tired to get up.

    Eggzactly wHen did this happen?

    #1171699

    Joseph
    Participant

    ICOT: Zats mich moichel for being choished, do you google or are you an absolute genius? (Azoi shnel!)

    #1171700

    Joseph
    Participant

    Btw ICOT, I just read, and love, those 2 deleted jokes! (Its still in my RSS feed of the Coffee Room.)

    #1171701

    I can only try: “two-tired” belongs to a bicycle. Not a car. Your other two answers were cute. But not the one I had in mind. Any other guesses? I’ll answer in about 10 more minutes.

    #1171702

    Joseph
    Participant

    zats mich moichel is right..!

    #1171703

    And the answer is……

    He woke up “oily” in the morning. 🙂

Viewing 50 posts - 101 through 150 (of 2,008 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.