A Humorous Item

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  • #1171768

    brooklyn19
    Participant

    LOL charlie! never heard that one!

    #1171771

    tutzech
    Member

    myshadow

    dont steal from matziv.com

    #1171772

    tutzech
    Member

    a aferican american a jew and a pollak go it 2 a forest the aa brings a water bottle just in case he gets thirsty the jew brought food in case he got hungy the pollok broght a car door if its hot he can just roll down hte window.

    #1171773

    myshadow
    Member

    tutzech, hey sorry wtvr I put here I got in emails, but omer davar bshem amro, jokes from matziv.com I guess!

    #1171774

    squeak
    Participant

    A man is driving and out of nowhere a cat jumps in front of his car. He is unable to avoid hitting it and the cat was killed. He finds out where the cat’s owner lives and goes and knocks on the door.

    A lady answers the door and the man quickly tells her what happened in a sad voice.

    “I’m so sorry madam, but I just ran over your cat.”

    He allows her a few moments to mourn over the cat and then he adds, “But I’d like to replace it”.

    She wipes her eyes with a handkerchief and then looks up at him and says, “That would be fine, but how are you at catching mice?”

    _______________

    Anyone recognize that one?

    #1171775

    squeak,

    lol. It does sound slightly familiar but I have no idea where from.

    #1171777

    ujm
    Participant

    America, Israel and Poland are sending up a two year shuttle mission with one astronaut from each country. Since it’s going to be two years up there, each may take any form of entertainment weighing 150 pound or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 100 lb. TV and lounge chair. They approve.

    The Israeli astronaut says, “I’ve always wanted to learn Shas. I want the 150 lb. Artscroll Shas to learn with.” The NASA board approves.

    The Polish astronaut thinks for a second and says, “It’s gonna be two years up there. I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made.” Again, NASA okays it.

    Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside the shuttle to see what each astronaut got out of his personal entertainment. The American steps out and begins discussing major sporting events from the last two years. The crowd cheers. The Israeli astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute drosho in absolutely perfect aramaic. The crowd doesn’t understand a word of it, but they’re impressed and they cheer.

    The Polish astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row waving a chewed up cigar at them and says:

    “Anybody got a match?”

    ******

    A German walks onto a bus with a duck on his head and sits down next to a chasid.

    The chasid asks “Where’d you get the pig?”

    The German replied “It’s not a pig, it’s a duck.”

    Said the chasid, “I was talking to the duck.”

    (I thought I saw these here, but can’t find ’em.)

    #1171778

    brooklyn19
    Participant

    It’s December 24th in the middle of the mall and a group of children are lined up to talk to Santa Claus.

    The first kid comes up to Santa and Santa says, “what is your name?”

    “Johnny.”

    “Johnny, how old are you?”

    “Five.”

    “Ok, Johnny, take a present from under the tree.”

    The next kid comes up to Santa.

    “What is your name?”

    “Andrea, and I’m seven.”

    “Andrea, you can take a present from under the tree.”

    A third kid comes up to Santa.

    Santa asks, “What’s your name?”

    “Moshe ben Reb Yitzchak!”

    “Nem tzvay,” Santa whispers. “Take two.”

    #1171780

    UJM, u got a great supply!

    #1171781

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    brooklyn19: ha i like that one!!!

    #1171784

    labochur
    Member

    What’s white, black, and red all over?

    Not a newspaper;a yeshiva bochur on his first date!

    #1171786

    chaimss
    Participant

    Brooklyn-

    Here’s a story that actually happened 🙂

    My grandfather (who wasn’t Frum) was in the mall during The Season, and saw all the kids on Santa’s lap, so he went too! So he was sitting there and Santa asked him, “So, what do you want for Crachsmuch?” to which my grandfather replied, “Well, actually, I’m Jewish.” So the “Santa” whispered to him, “So am I.”

    🙂

    #1171787

    Here’s another one that really happened.

    A little girl asked her grandfather, “Whose teeth are those.” Pointing to his mouth.

    To which the grandfather replied, “Mine, I paid for them…”

    #1171788

    intellegent
    Member

    Mrs. Beautiful

    Hey! My grandfather told that to my sister! She asked him how many of his teeth are really his and he said, “all of them. I paid for them!” Typical him! I didn’t know it was a known joke. I thought it was his original one!

    #1171789

    brooklyn19
    Participant

    lol seriously? well they say the jews hog the best jobs…

    #1171790

    yros
    Member

    Mrs. Beautiful: LOL. Good line.

    #1171791

    intellegent, maybe it started from him…

    #1171792

    squeak
    Participant

    I doubt it. The first time I heard that joke, I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur.

    #1171793

    yros
    Member

    here is a good joke. aperson walked in to a bar. he said ow

    #1171794

    Here’s another true one. I was trying to bribe a little 5 yr. old neighbor into a favor. I told her I would give her a glow in the dark sticker. She asked me to explain exactly how that works. After explaining how “glow in the dark” works, she asked me, “If I close my eyes, is that dark enough to see it glow?”

    #1171795

    Mrs. Beautiful,

    that is so cute! Kids come up with the funniest things.

    #1171796

    yros
    Member

    mrs. beutiful: good line.

    #1171797

    intellegent
    Member

    Mrs. Beautiful

    ya never know! it’s a small world… It could be he heard the joke and used it but I always thought it was his. Don’t worry, I’ll get over it even if it wasn’t his original! 🙂 LOL!

    #1171798

    intellegent
    Member

    Mrs. Beautiful,

    that is sooooo cute! I can eat it up!

    #1171799

    SJSinNYC
    Member

    Why are NYers so depressed?

    Because the light at the end of the tunnel is NJ 🙂

    #1171800

    kapusta
    Participant

    Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog’s chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, but your dog has passed away.”

    “What?” Glenn screamed. “You haven’t even done any tests! I want another opinion.”

    The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it’s head and barked once (meaning “dead and gone”).

    The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, “Meow” (meaning “he’s gone”).

    After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. “$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That’s outrageous!”

    The vet explained. “If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan….”

    #1171802

    ujm
    Participant

    The three Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air conditioner.

    On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The three brothers walked into old man Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that three gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

    Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

    They persuaded him to get into the car, in which it was about 130 degrees. They then turned on the air conditioner and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to his office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

    The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, “The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,” on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.

    Now, old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs’ name on two million Fords.

    They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million, and that just their first names would be shown.

    And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Norm, Hi, and Max on the dashboard.

    #1171803

    ujm
    Participant
    #1171805

    mchemtob
    Member

    squeak…just read your post 2 weeks later…Mary Poppins! lol!

    #1171807

    noitallmr
    Participant

    Squeak…was that roundabout the same time that the Dead Sea was ill?

    #1171808

    A man dies and goes to heaven. In front of him was a large wall with clocks, each with a little name on it.

    “What are those?” he asked G-d.

    “Well, each time someone tells a lie, their clock moves a little bit.”

    One was stopped- “That was was Washington’s, the first president of the USA. He almost never lied.”

    “So where is Obama’s, our next president?”

    “Oh, that one is in my office. I use it as a ceiling fan.”

    #1171809

    G123
    Member

    David was out playing in his grandma’s backyard when she felt an earthquake.

    “David” she yelled

    “I didn’t do it” he answered

    #1171810

    RoshYeshivah
    Member

    I posted such i nice joke last night why didn’t the mods put it on. If you don’t like the story with the wife change it for a shviger!

    #1171811

    resubmit it with the changed words…. i need some humor in my life..

    #1171812

    RoshYeshivah
    Member

    here goes: a man takes out a mortgage on his house when he can’t pay it the bank takes away the house and puts it up for foreclosure.His neighbor comes up and sees him crying “why so sad my friend?” he asks. The guy answers” A pity i didn’t take out a mortgage on my shviger!!”

    #1171814

    RoshYeshivah
    Member

    Does anybody like my joke:-(

    #1171815

    I just saw it… I LIKE IT!!! this should also be put under the shadchan-MIL joke forum…. people will get a kick out of it….

    #1171817

    beacon
    Participant

    A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America , walked into the Branch and wrote this,

    “Put

    all your muny in

    this bag.”

    While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had

    seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window.

    So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.

    After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.

    She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the

    harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of

    America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go

    back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, ‘OK’ and left.

    He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

    #1171818

    myshadow
    Member

    havesomeseichel, im rolling about the fan joke!

    #1171819

    <blushing>

    #1171822

    im really really upset i wrote such a long joke today AND last night bc it wasnt posted and its STILL not posted!!! im very mad!!!! and theres nothing wrong with it!!! mods plz post it!!

    sory you are upset but the answer is: No. YW Moderator-72

    #1171823

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    RoshYeshivah: ha i loved it!!! great joke!!!

    #1171825

    RoshYeshivah
    Member

    asdf: thanks buddy.

    #1171826

    RoshYeshivah
    Member

    mod-72 where’s your heart? the poor syrian is crying like that and you don’t seem to care!!

    #1171827

    anonymisss
    Participant

    RY- you don’t know syrians, they don’t cry.

    ~a~

    #1171828

    RoshYeshivah
    Member

    that still doesn’t give mod-72 a heart!

    #1171830

    anonymisss
    Participant

    You’re right, our job is to be nice. We should always assume that everyone else is supersensitive. It’s hard.

    ~a~

    #1171831

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    RoshYeshivah: your welcome buddy!!!

    #1171832

    myshadow
    Member

    Hey syrian go make a new screen name n post ur joke!!! I’m dying to hear it!

    Mod 72 be nice!!!

    I’m always nice… btw the “joke” was deleted by different moderators. YW Moderator-72

    #1171833

    RoshYeshivah
    Member

    mod-72 if you’re really nice then go ahead and find syrian’s joke, moderate it and post it!

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