A positive Shalom Bayis Thread!

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    After so many unfortunate marriage stories in another thread, and scaring all the singles, let’s make this thread to enhance our Shalom Bayis!


    Special Middos


    Other ideas


    Don’t COMPARE your spouse to anyone else’s.Ever.

    DO compliment your spouse often,

    but naturally,

    NOT mommy-son style(“I’m so proud you washed negel vasser!”),

    but wife-husband style,like:

    “Sometimes I just think how lucky I am to have such a responsible and devoted husband”.


    Compliment your spouse TO YOUR SPOUSE’S FAMILY.

    It creates good feelings all around.

    always here

    this past year when my daughter & son both got married, B’H, I told them: be kind to each other, (& strive to make each other happy), respect each other, & communicate. and I wished them both together to be zoche to build a binyan adai ad!

    both couples know that I’m there for them.


    husbands should show and feel appreciation for their wives for what they do and wives should show and feel respect towards their husbands.


    anyone, have some good tips that they learned or works for them that helps shalom bayis?

    it’s so much easier to write about what can go wrong in a marriage.:)


    To add to what eclipse mentioned- I heard from a teacher of mine not only to praise your spouse in front of his/her family, but also in front of your own family (parents especially). It gives reassurance that you are happily married and the right choice was made.



    Is it my imagination, or are there only real-life examples and horror stories to go along with the “negetive” sholom bayis thread, and nothing to inspire those of us reading the “positive” sholomo bayis thread?

    Nobody’s got a good example to go along with all the advice?

    Something about how a couple overcame a communication stuggle/differences in chinuch approach/general life challenges without ending up in beis din?

    I’m single, and I’m trying to beleive that there are still some nice marriages out there. Anyone?


    I would say to help others, Dont talk about your husband to other pple. ( We know he is so special) Like, “my husband wakes up for the baby at night so I can sleep, or my husband always … you can create a bad feeling in the other’s mind, “Hey, why doesnt my husband do that?”

    mytake, I assume most pple are happily married, thats why u dont hear stories


    Always remember, They put up with your shtick too!

    That, and even the worst dish can go down with enough ketchup!


    nice, good shalom bayis is boring in print; it’s the problems that are more interesting to write about. 🙂

    always here

    binahyeseira~ like, for example: “Housework’s never noticed… until it’s not done.” ?! 🙂


    When you have an argument,say sorry FOR YOUR ROLE IN IT.Sorry should not be accompanied by excuses.Just plain “I’m sorry for…”


    “I’m sorry THAT MADE YOU UPSET”–but rather “I’m sorry I did/said that”


    “I’m sorry but YOU have to stop being so sensitive”–but rather “I’m sorry,you’re the last person in the world I ever want to hurt in any way”


    You want someone to be real? i will be real. Marriage is hard and not so fun at times, but working on it for real gives you the most amazing feeling. We can get away in life without putting in too much effort, but when someone else is involved, you can’t, unless you both make a pact to be unhappy. My wife and I were having some issues- mainly compatibility issues so we decided to go for therapy and it worked! we constantly put in effort, for sure…but it is so much better. Also, because the secular world has gone to such an extreme (negative!) with regard to matters of Kedusha, the frum world, rightly or wrongly, has responded by not talking about it at all (and no, 10 kalla classes with hints don’t count). So people are going into marriage thinking these things are wrong, tammeh, and not nice. I once heard a famous frum writer and therapist say that most of his practice deals with chassidish/ yeshivish couples in this area. Find a good teacher…retake Kalla/chosson classes…or see a therapist to make your marriage as good as it can be!


    Mytake- every single marriage that DOES work out needs a lot of work. Every marriage has some stories behind it!

    As someone once mentioned- a happy marriage is the best thing in the world, but if you’re unhappy, it’s gehinom.

    Don’t worry- it’ll work!



    One of those things that most people are aware of, but nobody has the guts to do anything about…


    ramat,you are very right,and it takes a highly-skilled kallah teacher to give over the importance of kedusha AND what’s perfectly mutar… in a balanced way.Don’t underestimate the complexity of that.Since every couple will face different issues,and the teacher is no navi,it’s not so simple.

    tomim tihye

    My personal rule that has served me well for many years, b”h:

    Assume your husband is clueless about what you need/want in every area of your life, and instruct accordingly (using seichel, duh).

    Superficially, it’s often easier to hold it against him for not meeting your needs, but being a big girl and communicating is the more satisfying way.



    many thousands of years ago(!),I used to customize the game.Each had to suggest a question,both wrote down answers,

    and then shared the answers.


    Q.What quality that you were FIRST drawn to,do you still see in (the other spouse)?

    Q.What drives (the other spouse) bananas?

    Q.Name 2 favorite

    of (the other spouse).

    Q.What accomplishment of (other spouse) still makes you very proud?


    better communication between spouses would go a long way, i think…people are afraid to talk.


    Like some of the above posters said, marriage is wonderful but takes a lot of work. Some tips I found helpful:

    **Focus on the good middos and actions of your spouse. When your spouse does something that frustrates/bothers you, think of those good aspects and feel proud (if you need to internalize better – write it down for yourself).

    **If there’s something stressful going on that is getting you both down, do something out of the ordinary to lighten the mood. For example, once at a stressful time in our lives, I made a big heart chocolate chip cookie and put it on the table. I then put a sign on the inside door “Happy Birthday”. A little further in – I put another sign to the effect of “So what if it’s not your birthday?!? Is that any less of a reason to celebrate?” It lightened the mood and we were then calmly able to discuss the stressful issue while feeling very good about each other.

    **If you get upset or frustrated with your spouse, do something special for him/her. When you give to another person, it increases your good feelings for them (and of course, their good feelings for you)!

    **Compliment often and express your appreciation often. Both of you put a lot into running your home (housework, parnossoh, cooking, learning torah, taking care of kids, etc.) and everyone deserves to be appreciated.

    **Daven for siyata d’shmaya to treat your spouse with the love and respect he/she deserves. Also, daven for your spouse’s success in all areas (parnossoh, learning, spiritual growth…).

    tomim tihye

    TRS, WOW! Given your matzav, your post really inspired me! Thank you!

    “Chochmas Noshim Bonsah Baisah”- you’ll surely reap great rewards!


    someone i know’s Rebbe told him that he never knew that parents ever yell at each other until his family went away to the bungalow colony, and he heard other families yelling.


    always here: right. 🙂


    tt- thanks for the encouragement. I actually wanted to show all the scared singles out there (or marrieds who are going through difficult times) that you CAN make a marriage work even when there are issues. (I’m not saying every marriage is like that – it depends on the couple – they BOTH have to be willing to work at it…)

    but i could always use more tips. i don’t always feel like i have the cochmas noshim… why are there so few responses?!?


    One of the best things I learned from my ‘adopted mother’ was never be afraid to cry. If there is a tense situation, you are both being stubborn or not listening/getting through to each other, then a few tears will melt his heart.

    When used correctly, it can change the most tense times. Instead of becoming angry, he will want to comfort you and you can’t be angry either when you cry. It turns what could be damaging to a time of caring and closeness.

    It has helped me and my husband avoid entering rough waters before we got there.

    Also, never speak about your spouse to others people who don’t have to know about your relationship. When I go to shul, in the back, there are often men talking to other men about their wives. I feel so badly for these wives who have no idea that they were discussing the value of their clothing or arguments they have had with other men?!

    The Buzz

    poster613 – I heard that there’s a Gemara that gives curses to the man who causes his wife to cry – isn’t there another way to do things?


    If you want to get anywhere in any relationship, don’t make fun of your relative. Not just to him or even to anyone else, but not to yourself, either. Don’t have yourself thinking or saying to yourself poisonous attitudes. What I wrote on the Middos thread applies here, too.


    i was once joking around with my (ex) husband and i called him “Big Strong Husband” he literally puffed out his chest and gave me a huge smile.. i was like- seriously..that works on u?? and he told me strait out- Yes! so i learnt- men like getting ther egos stroked- kinda like puppy dogs.. even if im secretly finding it funny.. men- do u disagree?


    NEVER talk about your husband to anyone!!!!

    1. If it’s negative – that’s self-understood, lacking in trust and loyalty

    2. If it’s posotive – why would you want to wave that in someone else’s face who may not be as fortunate as you, you wouldn’t want to be the cause of someone else’s lack of marital peace, whom will wonder why her husband cant also do/be xyz…

    3. If it’s neutral – what makes you think your husband wants details of his life being prattled about between woman.

    Bootom line is don’t say ANYTHING, no good can come from it, that’s for sure!


    umm- while i can understand that advice- i need to say i dont think that should be said to newlyweds. i had that little lesson drummed into me in highschool and kallah class, and being the good little concientious girl i was i took it seriously. i went through a very bad “shanah reshonah and a half” with out it ever crossing my mind to talk to anyone about it- “no good can come from it, disloyalty to him..” when it got to the point where i was ready for a divorce and finally told my parents they were like “whyyyy did u wait so long???” im not the only one this has happened to- but i was just the lucky enough to not get withchild and possibly remain trapped in a terrible marriage. i think girls need to be educated about marriage and to have someone they can definately talk to.


    We are not talking about necessary consulting. The problem is with yappeding to friends about what goes on at home. Besides, what’s good for bad situations is bad for good situations.


    “men- do u disagree?”

    Yes. What we really want to hear is, “you’re right, we should have taken the West Side.” (even if the FDR is 2 minutes faster)


    ” a few tears will melt his heart.”

    There are better tactics than that. Any man worth his title will tell you, the word “fine” (done in a monotone) is what gets our undivided attention.

    And believe me, when I hear that, I know its anything BUT fine.


    heleivi- i was talking about yapping too… but in bad situations its usually unclear when its necessary to consult with someone and when its not.. i still think telling everyone before they get married to never talk about anything personal is not good advice. once ur married for a while- i definately agree its unhealthy.. but before then- it is a dangerous rule to throw out.

    “And believe me, when I hear that, I know its anything BUT fine”

    bpt- wow! im impressed.. but how long did it take u to figure out that a womans “fine” is actually anything but..? im guessing a lil trial and error.. sum tears…


    ” how long did it take u to figure out “

    I learned this from watching my parents. That, and when a woman says “go ahead” it is NOT permission… its a dare!

    (BTW, this, and many similar tips, are available on line. Very true, but most men choose to learn this the hard way. Bad move, IMHO)


    bpt,i agree. wow. a man with a brain. i like it. i guess they dont make em like they used to..


    “they dont make em like they used to..”

    Depends on the factory. The models now on display in the bpt showroom have all the bells / whistles the late ’80s edition comes with, only in newer upholstery.

    Available in a limited supply, so don’t delay!

    Ok, truth? Yes, I learned some of it the hard way. Tears, icy cold stares, sulking (oh, that was really effective).

    Took a while, but eventualy we ironed out the wrinkles. Hopefully, my kids will avoid some of the uglier mis-steps.


    bpt, this is for you:

    (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and

    you need to shut up.

    (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five

    minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to

    watch the game before helping around the house.

    (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you

    should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

    (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

    (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often

    misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders

    why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.

    (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

    (6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make

    to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how

    and when you will pay for your mistake.

    (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re

    welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks

    a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say

    ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

    (8) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying…Go to Hell

    (9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is

    something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it

    herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s

    response refer to # 3.


    I think people ought to be a bit selfish towards their spouse – to build their own character in face of or better yet USING their own spouse. Constantly doing things for one’s spouse, even discreetly, will help for character perfection better than any mussar sefer. Like ‘I don’t care what she feels, I’m doing the dishes’. May eventually help for the marriage too. But that’s ??? ????.


    “scaring all the singles”

    Bring it on! I can do it better than all y’all 😀


    OK. No one knows me here right?

    Our shana rishona was really rocky. After the first of our cuties B”H came along, we realized that we’re in it for the long haul, and looked at things differently. B”H we’re happily married. Still. It was many years later I found a Medrash that said that Yaakov Avinu originally wanted to divorce Leah Emenu, so HaShem sent her offspring right away. Medrash continues: so Yaakov said “What, to the mother of these I should send away?!” Analyzing this we come to the conclusion the powerful force of the role of children in marriage. Yaakov was at the verge of sending her away, not out of hate or any other of today’s petty issues, he had VALID reasons (R. Miller states some), yet he held on because of the children. WOW!


    ” I can do it better than all y’all “

    This, I believe. Your hubby will have to be on his toes, no doubt about it. But he’ll get his last laugh, when he sees how your “daytimer planned life” goes out the window when the kiddies come along.


    I know this is kind of interupting the flow, but, I hardly have time to post or to keep reading threads.

    buzz- That is for a husband who makes his wife cry. This is not referencing a wife who decides to shed a few tears.

    The point is that in a topic that needs an answer and is important and an argument that will end in ‘fine,’ you have a conclusion rather than a build up of hurt and hard feelings. I’m not saying a girl should just start crying excessivly and often, rather, a few tears should work fine to continue the disscussion in a calm and gentle manner. Too much too often is always damaging.


    tips I read from a good book, and other things

    Each spouse should focus on their own responsibility

    Show appreciation to each other

    Let each other know what you need/want

    If the person is going through a hard time, be understanding, patient and supportive of them.

    Pray to Hashem to help you both


    Another useful measuring rod:

    If you and your spouse (faults and all) were stranded on a desert island, would you stay, or risk a swim with the sharks?

    Not that bad? Think you can make a go of it? Ok, so why wait till you’re on the island?

    Make it work NOW!


    the problem with giving marriage advice is that we’re all different. the challenge of marriage is that 2 humans are living together, each with their own needs, and own way of communicating. and often due to pregnancy, childbirth, family members dying, illnesses, or any other stresses, spouses can be pulled in different directions and not understand each other. only way to have good marriage is to work hard, and to learn how to communicate with spouse and what is important to them, and to learn how to express your needs so spouse can understand. on plus side, if do that can find true happiness and fulfillment in life and have partner to help you rise up to challenges. most often, it’s a learning experience – have ups and downs, but if work hard, hopefully gets better and better.


    Again.. Similar to what I posted before, I find fulfillment and happiness, by giving, giving, and (?, oh yeah) giving. Regardless of my spouse’s attitude. It’s something to work on, but boy is it fulfilling. (Not always, I wish it was, we’re all humans). To give is to receive. Ahava – (true) love, is related to Hav – give.

    TRY IT!!


    A saw an excellent clip on YTube from a book on 7 behaviors of succesful couples. Will post the seven, and link if anyone is interested.


    Can’t view ytube from my comuter. (have Jnet) but I’m sure interested in the seven – here.

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