A Wife’s Obligation Towards Her Husband & Kids

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    What is the obligation of a frum woman towards her family when her husband works and provides for the family nicely.


    She has to reciprocate and do her obligation in the home as well. The house should be pleasant, clean, she should cook for her family.

    She should take care of her children, dress them, bathe them and give them attention.


    A wife’s obligations toward her working husband include:

    — housework

    — being there for him

    — helping him out

    — obeying him

    — raising the children

    — not undermining his authority in the house


    Please provide details to your question.


    How would you answer the question?


    Well I know some women that think they have no obligation whatsover to their husbands.They think their husbands owe them everything just for being there, so it really upsets me because a marriage is a two way contract and like a husband provides the material necessities in the house I think a wife should provide a spiritual and healthy environment in the house. The reason for the mitzvah of making Challah in the house is to make the mitzvah of making the house warm with brachah and always to have the shechinah in the house. A woman should inspire her family to go in the way of the Torah and make sure the children do their homework and keep a clean and pleasant home. A woman should always be cheerful and encourage the whole family in the way of the Torah, She should keep a clean home and always be clean herself, keep her children clean. So since the husband provides the parnassah she should provide the right environment for the house to be a Torah home.


    In my humble opinion I think the husband sets the spiritual tone of the home. But yes, a wife should encourage her husband to go to learn/shiurim. A wife has an obligation to take care of herself physically and mentally so she can be there for her husband and children.


    I know a person whos husband gives her anything she wants, he takes her to eat whenever she askes, buys her tons of clothing gives her a lot of money , two maids and the poor man returns home and she cannot even cook him a decent dinner , that really upsets me how can people be that way it makes no sense!


    shindy; good points, “encourage her husband 2 go 2 learn/shiurim. obligation to take care of herself physically & mentally so she can b there 4 her husband & children.”

    It is important for the wife to keep herself clean & attractive, as well

    the husband should keep himself neat well groomed.

    I know i’m gonna get heck for this, but I heard, that generally speaking,

    that the chassidishe women are more makpid on this, whereas the litvishe women overtime are less makpid. There are many exceptions, but generally speaking

    they, the husbands seem to feel they let themselves go.

    I believe in their defense, if this claim is true, it is not their fault,

    because they are usually juggling multiple jobs and expected to take care of kids and run a home, while the husbands sit and learn. Please, NO loshon hora.

    just let me know if this claim is false and unfounded, as I feel it might be.


    So what is the obligation of a wife to her husband when she is either the sole breadwinner, or contributes 50/50 to the household income? What is HIS obligation to her, in that event (I thought the kesubah says that befeirush, but apparently it is not always found to be the case)? The reality today is that more often than not, women are out in the workforce, so would all of you still answer the same way?


    with most comments agreeing that wife should be clean and attractive, let me add that it wouldn’t harm if husband is clean and put together too. That includes at the minimum : taking showers at least as often as the wife does, brushing / flossing the teeth twice a day, and smelling fresh.

    this might seem self understood but unfortunately some men seem to forget that proper hygiene applies to them too.


    Bein hasdorim, I actually have heard the opposite. For example, it’s normal for a chassidish woman to walk around and even go out of the house in a turban and housecoat. While a lot of litvish women would never walk out of the house in a robe and snood and some of them not even in the house.


    When a woman contributes a lot financially to the home the rules do change. It is not the same and we cannot expect her to be 100% taken care of physically, take care of a home and kids flawlessly. However when the husband is the sole breadwinner she does have the obligation to do her absolute best in her areas.


    A woman’s obligation to her husband is too learn what his essence is and what his neshama really desires and help build him into that person. That is why women are blessed with bina–the root being “boneh” she has the capabilities to help build him.

    The same goes for her children. She learns their ma’alos and chisronos, and guides and builds them to be the best they can be. Through this she too will be built and their home will be mekadesh shem shomayim.

    She should also take the time to eat together with her husband.

    And of course all the above regarding keeping home clean, herself clean and attractive. Clean can also mean kadosh.


    where are all the emotional obligations? To smile and welcome him home and wish him well as he goes out the door – to keep the children calm, happy, and inspired to respect the parents and be yirei shamayim, by showing respect and zrizus. When the wife is working, she is usually very happy to undertake that role in support of her husband’s learning, she is not undertaking the role of being the ‘father’ or ‘head’ of the household. and always, everybody has to pitch in, to get the real job done, that of building a bayis ne’eman!


    I agree with the comment implying that men have the same obligation to remain clean and attractive to their wives as the wives have to the husbands. A woman who bears children, may not always be able to keep the same figure she had when she first got married, but what is a husband’s excuse for becoming slovenly? Both husband AND wife should always strive to be clean and pleasant in demeanor and form, to the best of their ability, out of consideration for each other. Deodorant costs very little, and a daily shower, especially in the warmer weather, is a MUST. Greasy hair is a turnoff, and so is bad breath. Such EASY things to fix!


    This is very interesting. In my home, we don’t keep score, just show our appreciation.

    I think that in this economy there are many husbands who are the primary breadwinners who, to their great dismay, can’t bring in enough to provide as they’d like to. But the wives truly respect their husbands’ efforts, their middos, their commitment to being b’nei Torah, and the men respect the women being cheerful, upbeat, raising their children to be healthy, and doing the best they can, or close enough to it.


    The question is not “what do you expect your spouse to do for you?” The question rather should be “What can I do for my spouse?” A marriage is not supposed to be about taking- it’s supposed to be about giving. Whatever a spouse has in his/her hands the power and ability to do, they are obligated to do. To paraphrase a well-known quote, don’t ask what your spouse can do for you- ask yourself what you can do for your spouse.

    emphasis added by moderator


    FunnyBunny, I second the motion!


    I agree funnybunny!


    Together they should raise emotionally health children, even at the expense of a clean home. Emotionally healthy children will be able to carry on Torah. Make children the top priority. If he has to miss a seder because of children – so be it. The children will appreciate knowing that they are more important than their chavusa. The man will still get the mitzvah of learn by his desire. G-d knows the hearts of man and rewards with justice.


    It seemed to me that the topic here was a wife’s obligation towards her husband and kid’s–when the husband is working and providing for the family. It didn’t imply that the husband doesn’t have similar obligations. He has a kesuva to fulfill, and the gemora does talk about the obligations of wife and husband to each other.

    In order for the home to be built as one that the Shechina would dwell in, it is important for both the husband and wife to know what Hashem expects of them.


    I am amazed that no one has cited the prevailing authority on this matter, “Fiddler on the Roof”:

    Who must know the way to make a proper home,

    A quiet home, a kosher home?

    Who must raise the family and run the home,

    So Papa’s free to read the holy books?

    The Mama, the Mama! Tradition!

    The Mama, the Mama! Tradition!

    (Oh, of course it wasn’t cited – it’s “English music”).


    A very wise REb said that being an ezer knegdo is much more than food and laundry because after all when Hashem made Chava as an ezer knedgo they lived in gan eden where there was no food prep and no laundry!!


    A wife’s obligation towards her children is to give them self confidence and encouragement. She comforts them when they fail, and encourages them so they don’t surrender, but move on to grow and accomplish despite their failures. She draws from the confidence of her husband in her (if he mistreats her, mocks her, or puts down her abilities, chances are she will not be able to give her children the right amount of self confidence unless she is totally, one hundred percent confident in herself and disregards what her husband says which is unlikely considering that most women value their husband’s opinion).

    Her obligation towards her husband is to help him reach his potential. She should send him out to learn whenever possible, greet him with a smile (and most importantly FOOD) when he comes home at the end of the day. It is vital that a woman understand that men need food or they become grouchy and don’t listen; as the saying goes: “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”. Today, while many women work (and usually because the parnassah is needed) we forget that it is MAN’s curse to work the land, we have a big enough burden of raising children, there’s no reason to add to it if you don’t need to. We are introduced to women in the Torah as Chava: eim kol Chai–that’s the role, to be an ezer K’negdo and a mother to her chidren and sometimes even her husband. Plant, encourage, and nurture greatness in your child.


    A wife is obligated to do certain tasks for her husband for the sake of endearment. These tasks include pouring his cup, making his bed and standing before him to attend to his wishes such as getting a drink. There is a dispute as to whether these tasks are obligatory or optional. The Yerushalmi Kesubos (5:6) clearly holds they are obligatory for the wife to do them. Rashi (Kesubos 61a) and others hold that they are optional – simply advice that our Sages gave to increase the husbands liking of his wife. Shulchan Aruch rules it obligatory.


    Joseph, What do you gain out of taking a two year old thread and adding to it?

    What is your obsession with “educating” women as to what they need to do for their husbands? You seem to take every available opportunity to do so. Even when someone posts an innocent question as to what they should learn with their wife, you say “Oz V’Hadar Levusha” (i.e. take this time to teach your wife, without having to learn anything which might make you need to improve yourself”?

    Are things that bad at home that all you can do is try to teach the women in cyberspace, since the ones in your home stopped listening to you? or is this just another example of you trying to make yourself a godol in your own eyes by turning everyone else into ketanim, thereby leaving yourself as a godol?

    Either way get some serious professional help


    My son visited Rav Ahron Feldman Shelita, author the famous book on Shalom Bayis “The river the kettle and the bird”. He said “the more one gives, the more one receives, so just keep on giving to your wife and you she will reciprocate”.


    I don’t know what is right or wrong, but I feel like the general tone here is ” let’s put a woman in her place”. I happen to be home now with my baby, but until he was born I worked full time and even brought in more money than my husband. Still I always made sure there was dinner and that I was clean as everyone put it. My husband helped by doing dishes, cleaning the bathroom, being a wonderful husband, I don’t think anyone should settle for anything less.


    Wifes obligation is to work 60 hours a week, do all the house work, raise and incubate the kids, and have dinner on the table with enough time to spare before her husband escapes to night seder.

    And what with the shidduch crisis and all, she should be grateful that she is even married in the first place.

    Just like in the alter heim


    I’m not sure what disturbs me more, some of the comments in some of these threads, or the fact that the Moderator carelessly comments in such a nasty fashion, thus humiliating another in public.


    All these threads are highly offensive. I actually believe the moderator summed it up well.


    let’s put a woman in her place.


    This is a message for Mod-88. As another poster mentioned, I am bothered by your post insofar as it seems you’ve already determined/decided that bubka is Joseph and talk to this poster accordingly.

    I understand your need to address “Joseph” directly so that he will know that you’ve caught him in the act and hopefully discourage him from posting what you feel to be outlandish posts in the future.

    But, unless you are really 100% certain that bubka is Joseph, why can’t you address the poster as “Bubka, Joseph, or whoever you are…” This way no one will assume you’ve confirmed your assumptions. It leaves room for doubt and also lets the poster (if it is in fact Joseph) know that you are alert to his posts and will put a stop to them if you are able.

    And if you’re not sure it’s really Joseph and it just bothers you how bubka brought up this very old post and added to it, which is a whole other issue that also bothers me, then you are free to do so, and I hope you will try to keep your posts free of any nasty comments (which I assume are you lashing out in your anger at Joseph).


    Nechomah: You are right, and I think the mods let most of the J screennames alone for that very reason. But “bubka” is one that has already been busted:




    The Moderators are 100% certain that bubka is Joseph. Not only from this post, which is a pretty good proof, but from other bubka posts as well. Many of which saying identical things said by various other Joseph personas during the years.

    In other words, please dont think that we assume it is Joseph solely cause someone dug up an old post.

    We have spoken to him privately, but to no avail. The only recourse is to out him publicly. If nothing else, we are trying to show all those who come to the CR (even the non Jews who come for a look), that these are the beliefs of a very sick and twisted individual who chooses which parts of the Torah he wishes to portray, and which he chooses to turn a blind eye towards.


    Really pleased that this discussion came up, does anyone if a wife must polish her husband’s shoes?


    Regardless of whether or not the Moderators are 100 percent certain that that that one poster is another, wouldn’t it be better just to delete their posts or not post them at all, than to humiliate another in public?

    I’m appalled and frankly, saddened at the fact that the posts in the “Yeshiva World” coffee room (which really should just be called the “New York/New Jersey Coffee Room” are permitted to attack pretty much anyone who doesn’t agree with the standards of anyone else, and yes, I will include myself in this (before anyone else jumps on me here). But for a Moderator to do it, is completely uncalled for. A moderator should moderate, facilitate, host, whatever definition one wants to use, but to jump on the bandwagon of attacking another in public doesn’t exactly bring about the warm and fuzzy feelings towards jews in any way shape or form. Regardless of who is reading the posts. If a poster is a problem, delete his/her accounts or posts, or whatever, but to humiliate them is wrong, and frankly a waste of time, because if that person’s point is to bring attention to themselves, then all the moderator is doing, is giving that person exactly what they want.


    We have spoken to him privately, but to no avail. The only recourse is to out him publicly. If nothing else, we are trying to show all those who come to the CR (even the non Jews who come for a look), that these are the beliefs of a very sick and twisted individual who chooses which parts of the Torah he wishes to portray, and which he chooses to turn a blind eye towards.

    The above that you wrote is obviously false since it would be easier to just delete his posts. Or block Bubka.

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