February 25, 2013 6:33 pm at 6:33 pm #608346
I just wanted some advice on how to be able to relate to my alchoholic cousin in general. He drinks like all the time, and when he drinks, he acts very rude towards everyone around him and starts swearing at us, and nobody in my family knows how to help him. Like today, when I was with my family, he had at least ten drinks of all sorts of stuff, wine, tequilla, beer, whisky, and is probably still drinking at the moment. I am pretty sure that he has mental health issues that were never diagnosed and treated when he was a kid. What should I do?February 25, 2013 6:55 pm at 6:55 pm #933469rebdonielMember
Give him a copy of the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions discreetly.February 25, 2013 6:55 pm at 6:55 pm #933470zahavasdadParticipant
You cant do anything, He needs to admit there is a problem and then seek help.
You cant help someone who wont admit to a problemFebruary 25, 2013 6:58 pm at 6:58 pm #933471
I hear.February 25, 2013 7:13 pm at 7:13 pm #933472WIYMember
Try not to put out alcohol if he will be around or limit how much is put out or put it away if you see someone is overdoing it…February 25, 2013 7:24 pm at 7:24 pm #933473interjectionParticipant
It’s not your business. Let him deal with his own problems and I’m sure his parents are doing what they can to give him the tools he needsFebruary 25, 2013 7:40 pm at 7:40 pm #933474WIYMember
“I’m sure his parents are doing what they can to give him the tools he needs”
Why do you assume that?February 25, 2013 7:40 pm at 7:40 pm #933475
he is 30 years old… and his parents keep on giving him alcohol.February 25, 2013 7:46 pm at 7:46 pm #933476
It is not your business, if he has a drinking problem, it is for someone else to address it. (I remark — IF.)February 25, 2013 7:49 pm at 7:49 pm #933477
ok, i hear… it just bothers me when he does it in front of me.February 25, 2013 7:51 pm at 7:51 pm #933478
Also, he has no right to swear at me at any time. No matter how drunk he is.February 25, 2013 7:56 pm at 7:56 pm #933479zahavasdadParticipant
When you are drunk you cannot totally control yourselfFebruary 25, 2013 8:02 pm at 8:02 pm #933480
Perhaps you should avoid going to his parties, or arrange to leave early. But if you are in Jerusalem, today was Shushan Purim, or am I mistaken.February 25, 2013 8:07 pm at 8:07 pm #933481
yeah, I know that. But the idea of a 30 year old constantly acting like a baby has a very negative emotional effect on me.February 25, 2013 8:38 pm at 8:38 pm #933482
SB – The best thing is instead of trying to change him -how about avoiding him, even if it means avoiding others in your family?!February 25, 2013 8:40 pm at 8:40 pm #933483
that is literally impossible… I have very few family members that I am able to talk to and they are one of the few.February 25, 2013 8:42 pm at 8:42 pm #933484TheGoqParticipant
WIY +1February 25, 2013 8:49 pm at 8:49 pm #933485
everyone constantly asks me about him because I am in E”Y and I am expected to have an idea of his wherabouts.February 25, 2013 8:56 pm at 8:56 pm #933486
Exactly, you need support, you don’t need to burden yourself with someone else’s issues. Meet with his family and enjoy, if he keeps being unpleasant to you I think you should try to avoid confrontations but later talk to his parents and tell them to please ask him not to swear in front of you or treat you rudely.February 25, 2013 9:09 pm at 9:09 pm #933487charliehallParticipant
If your alcoholic cousin is a problem for you, get yourself to a meeting of Al-Anon Family Groups. It can help a lot. I know many Jews who have found them a blessing.
Another source for help is JACS.
Good luck. You are not alone.
Edited.February 25, 2013 9:13 pm at 9:13 pm #933488
kkFebruary 25, 2013 9:57 pm at 9:57 pm #933489
take a big baseball bat. wait for him in the shadows. bash his brains in. problem solved.February 25, 2013 10:13 pm at 10:13 pm #933490
Toi – I thought alcoholism was a chiyuv gomur and now you’re talking about alcoholics being chayav misa? http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/ad-delo-yoda#post-441754
Sorry, but I couldn’t resist…
(TFIC-tongue firmly in cheek)
edited to prevent misunderstanding of abbreviationFebruary 25, 2013 11:39 pm at 11:39 pm #933491
gee, ya know youre right. im gonna hang up my cleats.February 26, 2013 12:26 am at 12:26 am #933492
I mean, I have only seen him this past week because my cousins were here, but I don’t really have time in my schedule to go to a support group. I have so many things I need to carve in my schedule. I know I need therapy, but I am kinda getting sick of it at the moment.February 26, 2013 4:04 am at 4:04 am #933493yehudayonaParticipant
snowbunny, why is it inappropriate for children to read this thread? If they have alcoholics in their family, a thread such as this could be helpful (especially the recommendation of Al-Anon).February 26, 2013 4:33 am at 4:33 am #933494
SB -“I mean, I have only seen him this past week because my cousins were here, but I don’t really have time in my schedule to go to a support group. I have so many things I need to carve in my schedule. I know I need therapy, but I am kinda getting sick of it at the moment.”
You definitely are full of excuses. Do you even realize how much time you spend in the CR?February 26, 2013 4:51 am at 4:51 am #933495Torah613TorahParticipant
Snowbunny, what did you do before you got to the CR for our wise advice?
Personally, it’s just not your problem. 1, it’s your cousin. 2, he has choices. 3, he’s 30 years old. It’s his problem.
In my humble opinion, your relationship should not deal with it, whether to condemn or condone.
If he behaves inappropriately, that’s another story and you should just avoid him at those times, or, tell him he can’t speak to you like that. Spray him with mace or pepper spray if he treats you badly, that should get through to him. But getting worried about his alcoholism is just not your concern.February 26, 2013 8:05 am at 8:05 am #933496
your right, I should probably stop using coffee room.February 26, 2013 9:35 am at 9:35 am #933497
Toi – TFIC = tongue firmly in cheek…
Also, excuse my ignorance but what are cleats?February 26, 2013 12:37 pm at 12:37 pm #933498☕ DaasYochid ☕Participant
JMH, cleats are baseball shoes (he referred to a baseball bat…).February 26, 2013 1:08 pm at 1:08 pm #933499
DY – aha, thanks!February 26, 2013 3:19 pm at 3:19 pm #933500sw33tMember
are you sure he’s an alcoholic (alcohol gets in the way of daily functions) versus has a drinking problem (feels a need to get drunk at innapropriate times?)
The two are NOT the same.
Alcoholism is an addiction, which has nothing to do with the act of being drunk, and is a psychological problem that requires an intervention, therapy, AA, Rehab, etc.
Having a drinking problems is also very bad, but the person does not have an uncontrollable addiction, they are physically and psychologicly capable of being sober, they just dont see a reason why they should be. alcoholics are not capable of being sober without getting help.February 26, 2013 5:59 pm at 5:59 pm #933501SaysMeMember
snowbunny- if you leave here, let it be from your own decision and desire, not someone’s criticism. I love reading your posts for one! And if you get anything from cr, stay!February 26, 2013 6:02 pm at 6:02 pm #933502
o, then in that case, he just has a really bad drinking problem.February 27, 2013 3:44 am at 3:44 am #933503MDGParticipant
In the book “addictve thinking” by rabbi twerski, he says that an addict’s friend/relative has the 3-c misconception. One thinks s/he has the power to cause, control, cure. But in truths you did not cause, you will not control, nor will will you cure the addict.
In other words, there is nothing you can do. SB, the best thing you can do is avoid the person and protect yourself. I don’t know this cousin of yours, but I fear he could get physical. My advice is to stay away.February 27, 2013 11:33 am at 11:33 am #933504
jmh- ok, so i just googled that and wow, im unimpressed with your choice of expression. cleats are shoes with pointy things on the bottom generally used to step on the heads of posters i dislike.February 27, 2013 11:52 am at 11:52 am #933505
Aren’t we running a little bit too fast to conclusions? We have a Yid and his family – it’s Shushan Purim in Yerushalayim – his parents are pouring him whisky and other liquor (did we not all do the same? Unless of course they are too young for that, but the young man is 30). We also learn he habitually likes drinks (he is not a Muslim, thank G-d). On a public forum on the internet this person is painted as an alcoholic (!!) an undiagnosed mental health patient (!!!) and from there we proceed to insinuate he may be dangerously violent (!!!!)
Excuse me, may I ask how would we all feel if it were us? If a similar post had been written in regard to ourselves and we came across it and recognized that it is meant to describe us? What about the sheer terror that *someone else* recognizes us, or rather, the distorted picture which is being painted, and that unfortunately, human beings have a weakness to promptly believe?
Please, enough. If the young man was totally drunk on Shushan Purim, kol ha kavod, it is a mitzva. If (IF) he drinks too much every day, none of us can help and thus we have no business discussing it.
I think it’s time for this discussion to be closed and for us all to try and be a little more careful before hitting the keyboard.February 27, 2013 12:31 pm at 12:31 pm #933506
I agree, this situation is much more complicated. I am just under a ton of stress now.February 27, 2013 1:49 pm at 1:49 pm #933507MDGParticipant
” If (IF) he drinks too much every day, none of us can help and thus we have no business discussing it. “
The issue is not him. The issue is how SB has to deal with his excessive drinking, which she said in the opening post, “He drinks like all the time”. Furthermore, as SB points out, he seems to be quite irresponsible as she said, “everyone constantly asks me about him because I am in E”Y and I am expected to have an idea of his wherabouts.”
I am going to reiterate what I and many others have said. That it’s not your problem and you should avoid him. When you uncle and aunt call you to ask about him, just say “I don’t know”. You don’t need any explanation and you don’t owe anyone an apology. It’s their son, they are responsible for him. Don’t let them or anyone make you feel guilty. You have enough on your plate as it is. Focus on that.February 27, 2013 2:12 pm at 2:12 pm #933508
Toi – The expression I used is a very commonly used one here in the UK and simply means that the comment is meant facetiously. I am unaware of any improper meaning.February 27, 2013 2:28 pm at 2:28 pm #933509
Toi – Having googled it myself I found no improper meaning to the phrase I used.
the abbreviation.February 27, 2013 5:05 pm at 5:05 pm #933510
On top of all the above…February 27, 2013 5:35 pm at 5:35 pm #933511
Mod – I had clearly indicated what I had used the abbreviation for (yesterday) before Toi’s reply (6 hours ago) so assumed he must have had a problem with the phrase. Anyhow, I am unaware of another use for the abbreviation (at least here in the UK).
I don’t know which mod deleted your comment, but I don’t see what they (or Toi) found objectionable, so I’m going to put it back up.February 27, 2013 8:01 pm at 8:01 pm #933512charliehallParticipant
“why is it inappropriate for children to read this thread? If they have alcoholics in their family, a thread such as this could be helpful (especially the recommendation of Al-Anon).”
There are Al-Anon meetings designed specifically for teenagers. They are called Alateen. Facilitators receive special training and have to pass a background check. Good luck!February 27, 2013 8:31 pm at 8:31 pm #933513
i am in israel until sometime next week at the rate I am going…February 27, 2013 9:11 pm at 9:11 pm #933514
ok well being as i am severely unaquainted with everything UK-esque, and didnt see your post defining your use of above abb., i simply googled it, as i do frequently when met with this new-age stuff. and it wasnt nice. cheers mate.February 27, 2013 9:12 pm at 9:12 pm #933515
DY- i actually didnt intend that pun at all. weirdly ebough, i do that all the time. maybe i should go back on my meds…February 28, 2013 3:54 am at 3:54 am #933516☕ DaasYochid ☕Participant
but I don’t see what they (or Toi) found objectionable
Nor do I, and I just wanted to have JMH’s back on this, because it’s an unsettling feeling to be accused of being inappropriate, and he’s totally innocent.February 28, 2013 4:32 am at 4:32 am #933517
Mod -“I don’t know which mod deleted your comment, but I don’t see what they (or Toi) found objectionable, so I’m going to put it back up.”
Mod – we are Not English and all Americans will think it stands for – The _____ I care!
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