Are We Spoiling Our Kids?

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Viewing 23 posts - 51 through 73 (of 73 total)
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  • #695747
    mazal77
    Participant

    well, I should include, that I tell my children that if Hashem wants you to have it, then you will have it. Example, I don’t have money for bikes and you know what, Hashem provided for my kids. My friend who is a teacher had a few bikes that were no longer needed and guess what. My kids now have bikes. B’H, I try to teach my children that we should be happy with what we have, because, there are people with less. If parents are there as an example and not complain and say Baruch Hashem for what they do have and give them examples then their children will be much happier and can learn to live with less. It really is a mindset.

    #695748
    smartcookie
    Member

    Philosopher- you can have certain jobs that you expect of your kids. Jobs that they must perform without reward.

    You can save the coupons system for extra help they give you, or for certain jobs which are already more than you asked them for, or for extra special behavior, etc.

    Just an idea…

    #695749
    Health
    Participant

    Phil -“No thank you, I’m not giving my kids alarm clocks. I don’t have a problem dragging them in.” I said alarm watches. If you would, that would teach them responsibilty. Dragging them in, just shows the child that you’re bossy, they learn to be bossy when they want something done too.

    #695750
    aries2756
    Participant

    To all: The point is that everyone needs to decide what works best for their own family. As smartcookie pointed out, there are ordinary responsibilities and then there are outside the box or things that need extra attention. I did not have any help in my home until after my fourth child was born. That is not something young couples understand these days. Yup I was 30 years old with 4 kids before I had any household or child care help in my home. So basically I did everything, plus work when my kids were in school. Superwoman syndrome is what I call it today. I also call it stupid. At any rate, my kids would help out Erev Shabbos with things that were not their responsibility but mine, because they were way too young to do them. But they wanted to help me because they saw how hard I was working and how stressed I was, and so they earned extra coupons. They didn’t do it for the coupons, my young 5 year old son liked mopping floors and vacuuming. He thought it was fun, I thought well at least he ran over it, if I get to do it again I will, if not, he did something. And sometimes I didn’t get to go over it, and he did a pretty good job. As he got older he did a better job and then when I got help he stopped.

    My daughter was 9 when my youngest was born. She helped me tremendously through the years with her younger brother and she was rewarded in many ways for her extra help. But she still had to follow my rules even though her friends got to do things she didn’t get to do.

    So again, everyone gets to choose what they think is right for their own family.

    #695751
    philosopher
    Member

    smartcookie, that’s an excellent idea. In fact, I paid my daughter to tutor a younger sibling and it worked like a charm.

    I didn’t think of using this in general, but it’s and excellent idea. I’ll just subsitute small money (change for the younger kids)for coupons and then I won’t have to give my kids an alllowance, which I believe is not the greatest idea.

    So thanks aries and smartcookie, this is a really fabulous solution.

    So again, everyone gets to choose what they think is right for their own family.

    That’s so true, aries.

    #695752
    squeak
    Participant

    dvorak

    Member

    You can google video results for the “marshmallow test”, they actually have videos of kids trying really hard to resist and it’s cute and kinda funny too. Anyway, it is a lesson in delayed gratification for younger children.

    Cute and funny? How about cruel and nasty. Those kids are much too young to be left alone with temptation for 5 minutes, let alone 15. It seems that the kids are holding back from eating the marshmallow not because of the lure of a second one to be received in the future, but because of a sense of guilt and fear of “failing” the “test”. Plus, strapping them (figuratively) to the chair with nothing to do during the 15 minutes is awful.

    And then the “founder” of this test proceeds to predict the rest of the child’s life based on the outcome of this test. Never mind for a minute how ridiculous it is to do that, but once the results are out, which of today’s helicopter parents is going to allow their kid to fail the test? “Now little Timmy, you go in that room, and if you ever want to be a CEO and have a happy marriage you don’t eat that marshmallow, OK?”

    #695753
    blinky
    Participant

    c’mon squeak it WAS cute and funny. I don’t understand what you are so upset about. It proved what it had to prove. And anyway those kids didn’t look unhappy-even the ones that really wanted it-they just looked like they are trying to control themselves.

    #695754
    philosopher
    Member

    mazal, please don’t think that I think what you’re doing is wrong. I just meant to say that I don’t think it would work for everyone. If it works for your family then that’s what counts.

    #695755
    philosopher
    Member

    Health, I appreciate your concern regarding my dragging in my kids. But really, I’m not resentful that I have to do so. All I said was that it’s hard to drag in my kids when all the other neighborhood kids are still playing outside.

    Giving my children alarm watches will not help regarding it becoming easier. I will have to enforce the rule of them being in at a certain time which would not be easy as I know they will have a bucketfull of excuses and then they would need consequences. At this point I don’t see the need for that.

    My kids are b”H responsible in the areas I expect them to be. I see no need to enforce a rule that I believe would rather be appropriate when they are a little older.

    As I said, when I will determine the time is ripe, I will teach them responsibilty in this area as well. In fact, at that time I will suggest to my kids that they can set their alarms on their watches as a reminder to be home on time. (I just thought it was funny for all my kids to have alarm watches going off at the same time and envisioning them running into the house at once, which as I said before is not really realistic expectation at this time.)

    As for my kids seeing that I am bossy, well they would see the same thing if I would try to enforce the rule that they should come in on time on their own.

    There is no dodging it. Parents need to be bossy, or rather the correct term for that would be authoritative. As long as parents don’t abuse their authority by trying to use it to inflate their ego or make unreasonable demands of their children, then yes their children should see their parents as their authority who has the last word.

    #695756
    Health
    Participant

    Like you said- you will probably have to punish them when they don’t come in on time, like they might lose the privilige of going out one day or something like that. After one or two times they will get the message. Forcing or fighting with kids on a day to day basis to have them come in, will eventually cause resentment from them to you.

    #695757
    philosopher
    Member

    Health, I certainly will not argue with someone who knows exactly how many times it will take to punish my kids before they learn a lesson or if they will be more resentful that I drag them in as opposed to expect them to come in on their own when other kids are still playing outside. I absolutely cannot argue with someone who knows my kids inside out.

    That being said, I really don’t want you to worry for them, so I’ll expalin to you what I mean with dragging in my kids as you seem to have taken the word “dragging” quite literally. With dragging in my kids, I don’t mean that I drag my kids by the hair while they scream, kick and cry. I simply meant that I need to exert my entire authority without resorting to yelling to get my kids in the house while tons of kids are still playing outside.

    Nebach on my poor kids for their witch of a mother who calls them in at an appropriate hour (my opinion anyway) , makes them eat with flatware instead of their hands and wipe their mouths with napkins not with their sleeve, forces them to take baths, doesn’t let her kids fight, or enforcing other such terrible and mean rules.

    I think I should seriously worry if they will resent me.

    #695759
    Health
    Participant

    Phil -Thank you for explaining your definition of dragging. Most others define it literally dragging. Please send me a copy of your dictionary that you use.

    #695760

    must be the same as my dictionary. that is exactly as i understood her use of that common expression to mean just as she described it.

    ive used, and heard used that expression in that way hundreds of times.

    its called slang

    like a boxer saying hes going to slaughter his opponent. i dont think he means hes a schochet

    #695761

    from yourdictionary.com

    “drag in” Introduce unnecessarily or forcefully. For example, The defense tried to drag in every scrap of evidence, relevant or not

    i dont think the defense actually dragged in the evidence. there are other commonly used meanings to that idiom as well.

    #695762
    philosopher
    Member

    I think most words could be used in a figurative way, not only in a literal way.

    For example, if someone says “They were running late, so I ran to help them set up for the party”, doesn’t mean that they ran with their feet. It means that they got to there quickly, whether by car or by walking or any other mode of transportation.

    #695763

    philo, im with you.

    well, im not really WITH you. i dont even know where you are.

    #695764
    philosopher
    Member

    Moderator-80, thanks a lot.

    #695765
    Health
    Participant

    Mod -80- You’re misunderstanding Philo. I understood it like you, but she says she didn’t mean it that way. Re-read her post. She just meant telling them to come in without giving them a choice, but no forcing, yelling or screaming. Hardly the connotation that comes to mind with her original description. That’s why I said literally, even though I didn’t mean literally as opposed to her exaggerated definition of the word “dragging”.

    #695766
    philosopher
    Member

    Ha, ha Moderator-80, I was so busy when I first saw your post, I didn’t chap the what you intended with capitalizing the word “WITH”. I just chapped.

    #695767
    philosopher
    Member

    The word “chap” means realized in Yiddish.

    #695768
    smartcookie
    Member

    So did you chap as in realize or did you chap literally…:-)

    #695769
    philosopher
    Member

    So did you chap as in realize or did you chap literally

    smartcookie, I’ll let your figure it out… 😉


    Smartcookie, the following explanation is not for you, you know this already. 🙂

    Actually, I made a mistake. The correct translation of the word “chap” is “catch” The past tense of this word is “chapped” and the translation is of course, “caught”. This is the literal translation. But figuratively, this word could be applied as the word “realized”. Like I caught on what the moderator meant with “I’m with you”. (Smartcookie, that answers your question, in case you didn’t figure it out yet…)

    #695770

    May I add that, In some of our Camps in the Summer there is also some spoiling factors in the system that we can’t get rid of it (as it seems) – that is The long 12H trips that they are going to, Not enough with the “mountains” it self (this is the message they are receiving).

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