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OK. I know this sounds like a really strange question, but does a parent have to ask their child for mechila (for yelling or potching once in a while)?
A child under bar/bas mitzvah cannot forgive those who wronged him until his bar mitzvah.
Only if the parent did something wrong.
So if you think you ever were actually angry instead of faking it, then you probably should.
Sefer Hachinuch 338, I think a child cant be mochel till he is bar or bat mitzvad.
I think it’s a great chinuch for kids when the parents apologize.
It teaches kids
-to apologize themselves
-that chinuch is not a matter of “do as I say, not as I do”
-that people can make mistakes and make amends
-they can accept themselves and others, even if they are not perfect
-to self-reflect upon their OWN behaviors
Who said I don’t ask my kids mechila?
I absolutely agree with AYC. I couldn’t have said it better.
Sam4: Is that specifically by this case? I know in general we say “Ketanim Lav B’nei Mechila”, but that could be in regards to giving up a claim or entitlement, not to the literal form of Mechila.
AYC gave great reasoning. I agree with him/her…
I’m trying to think if one of my parents would apologize to me what I would think of it-
It definitely would make me respect them more for admitting if they did something wrong and it would teach me a great lesson that adults too make mistakes and ask for mechila even if it is to someone younger than them or of less stature- so I def think it is a good idea to ask them.. not so sure halachically if it’ll really count or if you need to, but it shows great parenting IMHO. But obviously don’t go overboard.. Maybe one or two things or in general something..
I agree that we are only judged according to what we are capable of, and getting angry when your kids make you mad, is really not the worst thing I’ve heard of.
At the same time, I would think you need to ask mechila, even if G-d really isn’t going to count it against you.
For example, imagine you tell lashon hara about someone and ruin their marriage. Imagine it was in a way that it was assur, but it was so hard that there really can’t be a complaint against you (like maybe you were so mad about something and it was in a fit of rage that wasn’t your fault). I still think you better apologize.
So again. It is hard to not get mad at your kids, and it is probably not very high on your aveira list. But if you hurt someone, you should apologize.
m22
You did great IMHO.
In addition, you may also want to consider calmly passing your child the broom and dustpan to collect all those spit-out popcorn kernels.
??? is compared to ???? ??? and should be avoided as much as humanly possible
“in a fit of rage that wasn’t your fault”
Not sure what this means.
Raging is ALWAYS one’s fault, no matter the source (it’s a matter of self-control)
As someone who has parents who have come very close loosing myself and my sibling through their actions, both growing up and as married people, learning to evaluate your (re)actions as well as what m22 said that they did will avoid alot of heart-ache and pain on both sides. Your children will remember the lessons which you have taught through your anger and your personal pain.
How do you get to the point of not getting angry? I don’t understand this. I feel like we were created a certain way, and then given the mitzvah not to be that way (not to sound apikorsodik).
Yes, and the avoda of life is improving ourselves and fixing our middos. It is a slow process, and a lifelong work.
m22
Firstly, let me reiterate that I think you did a great thing how you handled your situation. You definitely gave your child a great chinuch by discussing what you’d like to do differently.
Secondly, I think it’s a good chinuch to let your child learn a behavior’s consequences. Give him calmly the broom and dustpan to clean up the mess.
-Everyone has midos which need improvement. This is a major goal to accomplish in this world. Never accept the level where you are, always aim higher.
-You may find it helpful to read R Zelig Pliskin’s book Anger, the Inner Teacher.
-Know what your triggers are that make you more angry (lack of sleep, poor nutrition, a challenge to your ego, lack of support, unresolved issues, not enough alone time, etc.)
-Have a plan in place for when you begin to feel angry (deep breathing, time out, exercise, sense of humor, get support, put on music, etc.)
-See your relationships as opportunities to improve this middah
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“I feel like we were created a certain way, and then given the mitzvah not to be that way (not to sound apikorsodik).”
You were given this middah to work on, not to keep as is!
-Both Esav and David Hamelech were given the same characteristics: red, murderous, etc. Yet look how with identical angry characters, they each CHOSE their own path in life.
-Both Bilaam and Moshe Rabbenu were given similar characteristics, but they channeled their characteristics differently.
You are on your way to change your spiritual and physical health!
Hatzlacha raba!
mommamia22- I’ve heard that concept of not apologzing directly, but never with a reputable source. Until then, I strongly disagree. Children are no less human than anyone else.
If you did something wrong you need to ask mechila like everyone else. From a chinuch standpoint its great to discuss how you will react differently next time so your child can learn to do the same.
But dont you see how much more you can teach them by apologizing? Some times kids feel that parents give them no respect -another thing that some parents wrongly feel they are allowed to do- and dont care about their feelings. Asking mechila will boost their self respect- and respect you more for it. They will see how hard it was for you to apologize and learn to do the right thing even when it is difficult. (I feel very strongly about this.)
Add this to my previous list- thanks, yungerman1
-that they are worthy of respect and respectful behavior (a boost to their self-esteem as well)
m22- a limerick for you!
Your question is not heretical
It is just quite intellectual
Just go to some lengths
To focus on your strengths
Pray your weakness be less detectable
mommamia22-
I think rosesaharon was talking to the public with that comment, that in general, people’s children will remember… And he/she (?) was commending what you did, as would I.
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