Being a good shadchan

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    Do you need any professional training to be a good shadchan?

    I know that some people just say that you need to have the desire and connections to help. However I wonder if it could be risky to set people up.

    What if someone is better off leaving it up to professional shadchanim?

    Background: Please hear me out. This relates to dogs. In my experience, when someone needed to rehome a dog, finding a good home for the dog myself once had really unfortunate results.

    After that, I decided that it was better to give the dog to a rescue who were more diligent in their screening process. There were several people that the person had to get through before adopting the dog.

    Furthermore, the people had to pay an adoption fee (we just had a thread about paying shadchanim, and honestly investing money and time into one’s shidduchim does add a level of commitment and hopefully a gesture of sincerity in building success from the get-go), prove that they would be loving and provide for the dog, and had to be patient through the process.

    Back to the professionals:

    Wouldn’t that be preferable, compared to amateurs setting up this nice person with that nice person who both seem to and say that they want the same thing, and seem to be a good match in theory.

    How much can I know about someone in order to responsibly introduce him or her to someone else, and thus vouch for his or her credibility?

    Thank you


    The difference apparently is that the dog has no say who his future owner will be, whereas the couple can evaluate themselves if the shidduch redt to them is appropriate before they marry the other person.


    Yes. And now I feel very foolish.

    Joseph +1

    Still… is it okay for me to introduce people who I barely know?

    I’m guessing that at least one of said individuals trusts me, and may be more trusting of the other person if he or she is met through me.

    Or, maybe I begin with a disclaimer.



    Based on your preferences, location, and hashkafah, I decided to give you the contact information of _____So and So___. If anything unpleasant shall occur, chas v’shalom, I absolve myself from responsibility.

    You are responsible for investigating the other party, which may include asking personal questions and checking references. Please do your diligence in determining your future spouse. All I know is what this person told me, of which I passed on to you. And I don’t even know if any of this is 100% true. Thus, please assess the person, and have close advisory counsel throughout the process.


    Your shadchanit in the making,



    best to only redt shidduchim if you know both of them & feel it would hopefully-with hashems help-make a good shidduch.

    can be based on different reasons. rather they share similar personalities which is very important or life values etc… which is very important too

    hatzlacha on becoming a real true successful shadchan


    Most shaddchanium barely know the people the people they are setting up. It is the responsibilities of the parties to investigate. Your disclaimer is not necessary. If every shidduch proposed by a professional was the right one the wouldn’t be a shidduch crises.

    I think anyone involved in shaddchunis is doing a big Mitzvah ,something similar to Kiruv work.

    Lilmod Ulelamaid

    LB – there are halachos brought down about how it’s assur to set someone up with someone who would be bad for them. When I have a chance, I’ll try to look it up for you, b”n.


    Thanks LU!

    Yesterday I told someone online who I don’t know anything about except his marriage status, child status, location status, and age that if I meet someone who is on his religious level with a similar age and location I will try to connect them.

    Then I thought about it and realized that I know nothing of this person.

    Am I really doing Hashem’s Will or am I trying to make matches because it seems like a cool and great thing to do?

    Would I really be helping people find their besherts or am I just playing with fire sending people out on a whim?

    I think that there is a wiser way to do this. At least, I think I could use some help and acknowledge that I am clueless here. Plus I may not be the best judge of character and what works overall.


    I believe most of the shadchanus business will eventually evolve into trusted Internet dating sites.


    Indeed, what makes a good shadchan? Those of us either dating or married, have dealt with many shadchanim. What were the qualities of a good shadchan that made him/her, in your opinion, good? What ‘standards and practices’ should all shadchanim follow?


    “amateurs setting up this nice person with that nice person who both seem to and say that they want the same thing, and seem to be a good match in theory.”

    many shidduchim have been made exactly the way you described, LB

    When I dated, I always preferred the suggestions that came from people who knew me than from a professional shadchan, who often had some preconceived notion of whom I should marry without knowing me or even meeting me.

    No matter where the suggestion comes from, it should be checked out personally.

    If the shadchan feels that they are not competent to do more than suggest a name, and they can’t handle the follow-thru/advice that is needed, then a third party can be enlisted -say a dating couch or other mentor who can be the one to talk to each side, and help the relationship progress as necessary.

    But I would not personally set up some anonymous person online knowing nothing about him.


    Thanks WTP for the inspiration that a regular non-professional suggestion has value and your view on setting up an anonymous person online without knowing anything really about him (sounds like the voice of reason, thank you!).

    Much appreciated 🙂


    LB, you’re welcome. and not just that it has value, but should be encouraged.


    There is no such thing as a professional shadchan in the sense that it doesn’t require special schooling or training. If you know 2 people that seem like they would be good together, you can definitely try setting them up. As long as you don’t pressure them into marrying one another, you have nothing to worry about. Either they, or their parents or mentors will look into the shidduch as far as checking is concerned. I know people are very scared to set up people but believe me, most singles appreciate it very much when people think of them even if it doesn’t work out. My approach to setting people up is first find statistical commonalities-similar ages, height is ok, hashkafas are similar. Then try as best as you can, to judge if their personalities mesh. It’s important to ask them what kind of personalities they have and what they are looking for. Even if you know one party well and the other not so well, meet them or speak on the phone for a while to get an idea of what they are about. I wish more people were like you LB-we need more people who help in this area. I encourage you to try, as well as others. If you see this is not your forte, that’s ok too. There are many chasadim one can do. At least you will have tried. Much hazlacha!


    Thank you so much Mussar47 for your kind words and encouragement. Will do 🙂

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