Bitochan/Shiduchim

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  • #591538
    APushetaYid
    Participant

    HI,

    SOME TIMES WITH SHIDDUCHIM IT’S VERY HARD. THE ONLY THING THAT HELPS IS BITUCHIN. A PERSON THAT HAS BITUCHIN IN HASHEM GOOD IS TO COME HIS WAY. IT’S EASIER SAID THAN DONE. BUT 40 DAYS BEFORE A PERSON IS BORN HASHEM PUT AWAY HIS/HER PARTNER. SO WHY WORRY? LEAVE IT UP TO HIM! A COMMANDER OF THE MILITARY ONLY DOES WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE. SO IS HASHEM IN THE RIGHT MOMENT HE DOES E/T. NOT ALWAYS DO WE UNDERSTAND THINGS. SO,HOW DO WE STRENGTHEN OUR BITUCHIN? 1 WAY IS TO SPEAK ABOUT HASHEM, SPEAK TO HASHEM AND I AM SURE HE WILL HELP YOU!

    #690601
    still single
    Member

    The hardest way yet the most sincere way to build on your Bituchon is when everything just went the opposite way of which you wanted it to go. Instead of leaving yourself down the mud slide, look at the positive and know that H’ did it only for your good for you to grow to build your Emunah and Bituchon in Him!

    #690603
    oomis
    Participant

    I just read something that saddened me terribly. A twenty-year-old girl was asking people to please stop saying the “I”YH by you”s to her at weddings. She felt aggravated, that it rubbed salt in the wound that she was not yet married!!!! OMG, what have we done to our kids that ANYONE at age 20 should feel this way?????? If she were THIRTY, I could more reasily understand that type of pain. But at TWENTY?????? This just makes me ill.

    #690604
    Bodek
    Participant

    Oomis, I was talking to my friend the other day – she said she’s really enjoying life being single and all, no major pressures or responsibilities… but she is almost made to feel guilty for saying this…

    I think people have to calm down a bit, and realize that life is not a race. The main thing is not how soon one gets enagaged and married, but what kind of happiness they will have once they reach this milestone.

    A bit of maturity always helps.

    #690605
    emoticon613
    Member

    i think there are certain situations where a twenty year old is entitled to feel aggravated that she’s not married yet. for example, i know an eighteen year old girl who is a very good girl, even considered chashuveh, but because of some family situation or other, is being redt shidduchum that are TOTALLY not for her and she’s is understandably very frustrated and lonely. another example – a girl i know, also eighteen, is not living at home, she’s living by herself, sometimes renting with a friend – but she’s very lonely, and understandably, frustrated that she’s not yet married.

    #690606

    Doesn’t it say in the Gemara that a woman wants to be married more than a man does? Better to be alone than a widow?

    I think it makes sense for a woman to want to get married early. I’m always a bit surprised by those who say they’re happy being single. Isn’t it a bit like saying I’m happy I don’t have anyone to give to?

    #690607

    How about taking her stand for just a minute and understand what she means when she says I’m happy being single. Should she rather live a depressing life because of the mere fact she wasn’t zoche find her bashert(which we all know isn’t in the power of a human) or make the best out of what she has right now, yes in reality her happiness may not be the ultimate true happiness but still make ‘happiness’ to some level?! Living a sad, morbid, depressing life isn’t going to change matters nor make the situation any better. On the other hand, making herself somewhat of a happy life, may ease the pain and give some normalcy to some degree and level!

    #690608

    True Bas Yisroel- very true but they can’t make peace with the fact that they’re alone and they can’t settle for a life like that. Yeah, be positive. But most of the time when a person says they’re happy to be single it means that they don’t plan on getting married.

    #690609
    oomis
    Participant

    I agree with Bodek, and I would also point out that being lonely and WANTING to be married when one is 18, is not the same as saying that someone two years older should feel a sense of hopelessness when people wish her, “Im Yirtzeh Hashem by you,” when at a simcha. That’s just very sad to me. She has her whole life ahead of her at twenty. She is NOT over the hill, and anyone making her feel that way, is doing a very big injustice to her, IMO.

    #690610

    TrueBas Yisrael- Yes but it’s different to say “I am happy with whatever Hashem gives me in life” than to say “I am just as happy being single as being married”. THe latter i think is not hashkafically correct.

    #690611
    Yanky55
    Member

    Pas- What happened to “al tadin es chaveircha ad shetagiyah limkomo”?

    When you are a single girl, then get back to us about what is correct hashkafa to be thinking.

    True Bas Yisroel knows what she is talking about. At the same time the comment that Ooomis made is right on. It IS sad that a 20 year old KID is lamenting the fact that she is not married yet!

    #690612
    SJSinNYC
    Member

    Is it really so hard to understand why people enjoy being single?

    Its nice to have freedom and time. Time to go to school, travel, enjoy life with friends.

    A family is wonderful – I love my family. But If I were married at 19 with a child by 20, I think I would have suffocated.

    Yes, people can be single and happy. They can have friends and have fun and have lots of meaning in their lives without a spouse or children.

    It doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to get married, but it may mean she doesn’t want to get married right now.

    My SIL is in this boat. She is 21 and has no interest in dating whatsoever. If she meets someone, great. If not, she’ll wait until she is ready.

    Personally, I think people being pushed to get married too young is awful.

    #690613
    AZOI.IS
    Participant

    Posters here dont understand that whether a girl is upset or not that she’s single in her twenties, by the time she’s 24 Shadchanim are offering her, with few exceptions, society’s rejects and commitment phobes. The problem-free guys in the appropriate age group (generally about 3 years older) have already found their bashertes and have committed to marriage.

    #690614
    oomis
    Participant

    The guys don’t feel it the same way, because the type of guy who needs to be married by age 20, to a girl who is 18 or 19, usually is learning fulltime and has absolutely NO concept (YET) of what the achrayus of marriage actually entails, because his new bride is doing it all for him, and what she is not doing, her parents probably are. So for him, getting married is truly ALL perks. For her, not so much, necessarily. I don’t say this is true ALL the time, but it is true enough of the time to be obvious, IMO.

    #690615
    SJSinNYC
    Member

    AZOI, I have quite a few friends who got married at 24+ and they married wonderful people. Sometimes, they just haven’t been introduced yet. Sometimes, they have but werent ready. Sometimes, they need to grow up a bit.

    #690616
    still single
    Member

    AZOI.IS : for those going through it, your comment doesn’t make the situation any bit easier!

    #690617
    Bodek
    Participant

    Azoi.is – when someone says they are happy being single– it does not necessarily mean they are not looking and trying to get married.

    They are just accepting their situation for what it is and trying to live their lives as best as they can…in other words “Chayim Birtzono.”

    #690618
    Bodek
    Participant

    Another thing, sometimes when a girl (19-24) says she’s very happy being single, doesn’t want to get married etc. she is simply trying to protect herself from getting hurt when she gets dumped after dates or is not getting too many shidduchim redd to her. This way, if she gets a “no” she can say, “who cares, I don’t want to get married yet anyway.” It’s sad, but if you think about it, its quite true.

    #690619
    AZOI.IS
    Participant

    Bodek, re:”This way, if she gets a “no” she can say, “who cares, I don’t want to get married yet anyway.” It’s sad, but if you think about it, its quite true. “

    100% True.

    The question remains- what can be done for girls who are constantly getting rejected and few guys are being redd to them, other than Daven?

    #690620

    Yanky55- I AM a single girl in shidduchim around 20 years old. And I am not judging anyone. I am just saying that I think it is right for a girl to want to get married, and that being single is not a good situation to be in even if you are happy and fulfilled, because why not use everything Hashem gave you to serve Hashem?

    #690622

    “being single is not a good situation to be in”

    If that is the situation that you are in, then not only is it a good situation to be in, but it is the BEST situation to be in! I am not negating hishtadlus, just your apparent belief that everything that He does for you is not the best thing for you.

    “because why not use everything Hashem gave you to serve Hashem? “

    Precisely the point, you said that beautifully! You should be using everything He gave you to serve Him. And if he didn’t give you a husband yet, you still need to be serving Him with everything you do have.

    #690623

    It’s very easy to speak but unless ur actually in the situation I don’t think we can even attempt to speak for others…

    I was wondering if a boy/girl decide that they’re not ready to start dating and keep pushing it off is there at all a possibility for a person to miss their bashert? I’ve heard ppl saying that each person is assigned more than one(3?) ‘basherts’ before they’re born! anyone have any insight on this topic?

    #690626
    yitzy99
    Member

    “..by the time she’s 24 Shadchanim are offering her, with few exceptions, society’s rejects and commitment phobes. The problem-free guys in the appropriate age group (generally about 3 years older) have already found their bashertes.. “

    Some of the nicest people I know, male or female, may be unmarried by 24. Some of the biggest jerks I know, may be married at 18 or 19. Just because a guy convinces someone to marry him at 19 does not make him problem free. Just because a guy has not found someone by 24 does not make him a loser.

    #690627
    SJSinNYC
    Member

    Pascha, each stage of your life brings different types of fullfillment and different avodah you can complete.

    You think being married means you can serve Hashem with everything?

    Most men I know (right wing and left wing) have more trouble getting to minyan when they are married. Why? Becuase they have more responsibilities. They have a wife who might be sick or kids…and less flexibility than being single or learning in yeshiva. Most women with young kids find it harder and harder to daven as they have more kids. These are just two basic examples.

    What happens if you don’t get married? Or you can’t have kids? What then? It doesn’t matter WHAT your goal is – it could be a career path or a goal to perform as much chesed as possible. But you should have something for YOU, independant of others.

    EDITED

    #690628
    AZ
    Participant

    “The question remains- what can be done for girls who are constantly getting rejected and few guys are being redd to them, other than Daven?”

    The Answer: (if the mods will let it).

    1. You girls are great.

    2. You deserve to be married.

    EDITED

    You need to demand that the people who can effect the necessary changes (and there are people who can) they must do so and the do so IMMEDIATELY.

    #690629

    AZ: It’s unfortunate but I wish would be easier done than said but in todays day it’s the reverse! Who are they working for a small group of girls?!?! It’s much easier to brush these girls off than a much larger and more visible amount who have a say things!

    #690630

    Think4- yes, of course we should be happy with our lot and be serving Hashem – but to say that “I am happy being single” is like saying “i am happy having a nisayon” – we don’t ask for nisyonos even though they are good for us and we should say, “I am happy to be where I am and I hope to be able to serve Hashem even better.”

    We are having the same conversation Elkanah and Chana had in Sefer Shmuel. Elkanah said to Chana, “Aren’t you happy with what you have, am I not better to you than ten sons?” Because yes, even without children Chana could serve Hashem. This is like you saying, “What’s wrong with being happy with being single, or childless ch”v?”

    Chana didn’t answer him but davened to Hashem, saying, “Hashem please let me use everything, every part of my body, to serve Hashem. Please give me a son, a regular child who will serve You, Hashem.” And we see that her Tefilos were answered.

    Similarly, I think it is right for a single girl to daven to Hashem, saying, “Hashem please let me use everything You created me for, please let me marry a husband with whom I can build a Bayis Neeman B’Yisrael to glorify You.” And may every one of our tefilos be answered for the good.

    Say “I am happy serving Hashem now, and I hope to serve Hashem more with the added responsibility of marriage.” But to say “I am happy being single” strikes me the wrong way.

    SJS: Absolutely!! Of course a person can, should, and MUST develop themselves to serve Hashem before they get married. Yes marriage brings with it responsibilities and makes it hard to do certain things that used to be taken for granted, but that is part of the challenges that makes marriage the tremendous vehicle of serving Hashem that it can be. Marriage does not make it harder to serve Hashem, it makes it easier.

    #690631
    AZ
    Participant

    True bas Yisroel”

    Try parking 250 girls 23+ on the front lawn of any of the people who can make a difference. Have newspapers cover the story and watch how fast things change.

    The ONE things girls and their families can do is REFUSE to SUFFER in silence. DEMAND change from those that can help.

    When the girls band together they will be a force that HAS to be reckoned with AND will.

    You CAN make it happen!!

    BUT only they can do it.

    #690632

    I’M ALL FOR IT! **Although it’s going to have to be in an indoor place, a true frum Bas Yisroel doesn’t belong in such a group setting in an outdoor public place!**

    #690633
    tzippi
    Member

    AZ, maybe you should start a letter writing campaign. How about providing the olam with the names, addresses, and a sample letter?

    #690634
    AZ
    Participant

    True Bas Yisreol:

    Get the crowd togeter You CAN make it happen. But it has to be the girls fighting/demanding for themselves. no on can do it for them.

    It CAN happen, and It WILL happen.

    All we need is a Nachshon (in a skirt).

    Tzippi: being that I’m not a single girl i can’t spearhead. The girls and their families have to take charge and their voices WILL be heard LOUD and CLEAR

    #690637
    Chops
    Member
    #690639

    Yes, teach the boys good middos and committment…

    #690640
    Truth1
    Member

    i dont get it?

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