cant get the guys to give a yes :(

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    i’m just wondering if anyone has any ideas for me. i posted something similar once, but circumstances changed a little. im a 21 year old girl and i have never gotten a single “yes” from a guy. not one. is that normal? some of you may know from previous posts that i used to be overweight. b”h i have gotten that under control. (im not a size 2, nor will i ever be, but i like to think i am a good, pretty, normal girl.)my family is normal, bh. there are no ‘skelatins in the closet.’ i’ve networked. i’ve gone to countless shadchanim, and i follow up with them, with no positive results. all my close friends are married, some have children, and i feel like i’m left behind, and there is NOTHING i can do about it. (i’m not the type for j-date or saw you @ sinai.) WHAT CAN I DO?


    have you tried looking outside of NY?



    Go on a frum dating site, such as Orthodate or/& Frumster or/& Saw you at Sinai.

    In fact how about already joining tonite? and getting the ball rolling already before Purim, when Adar brings good fortune & Mazol.

    We have seen many success stories from these sites, so they really work!!


    If you’re getting suggestions, be happy! Many struggle with that. If you would say yes, then at least you’re on the right track. You can try reassessing what you’re looking for and make sure it’s what matches you… IY”H bekarov!


    I have nothing to go on other than my own opinion but I would say a good number of shidduchim come from friends and relatives who “get involved” as opposed to “official” shadchanim so you may want to try that if you haven’t yet. The second thing is to check your references. Yes, that means have someone call them. As bad as it sounds, its better that you know in case they need to be changed. (My own thing is not to give single friends as references simply because they’re in the same parsha.)

    Hang in there ๐Ÿ™‚

    Lots of Hatzlacha! Looking forward to good news soon!



    When I was in the parsha my friend’s sister had the same issue. After speaking with friends who had met her, the issue was that she was too self-aware, not smiling, being overly outgoing or never adding to the conversation, etc. The key for most guys I spoke with was just to be able to conduct an enjoyable conversation. I don’t know what the drivers are here, but these are some issues that came up back then.


    Wow, I really have nothing to say.

    Except that G-d is ?????? ???? ???? ?? ????? ????.

    And if not, ?? ??? ? ???????… ????? ??? ????? ???????? ?? ??? ??? ????? ?????? ?? ???? ??? ?? ??? ?? ????


    I have some friends in the parsha, Maybe we could exchange info and maybe work something out?


    Hi ilovetheholyland.

    Try a different shadchen and/or act upon coreytothecup’s suggestion.

    What you are going through is unacceptable, although in the long run (which I hope becomes a short run), I am sure it will make sense.

    You sound patient, sensible, and awesome!!



    Unfortunately appearances and perception have tremendous weight.

    But are you looking for the right type of guy? For example, if you are chassidish and are looking for an MO you wouldnt get anyone to say yes.

    Hatzlacha Rabbah


    I know its a small consolation, but the problem is probably not you; its more that likely the guys.

    If you are like most 21 y/o girls, you probably have a decent job, and have some $$$ set aside, as you have been working a year or two.

    Contrast with the 23-24 y/o boy, who is just waking up to and looking for direction.

    Sorry. We as a society have failed young women like you.


    “Unfortunately appearances and perception have tremendous WEIGHT.”

    ohhhh you hit it right on the button…


    If you are like most 21 y/o girls, you probably have a decent job, and have some $$$ set aside, as you have been working a year or two.

    Or have been working on an advanced degree. So you can bring in the big bucks.


    Many people are in the same situation as you, whether its no yesses or one yes. So its not you.

    Think about it, all you need is that one yes. I know girls who were the same age that finally went on their first date and that was their bashert. Keep davening!!


    Are you looking for something or someone that may be beyond your reach?

    If you are looking for a boy who is looking to learn and be supported and you or your parents are unable to support I would imagine that you wouldn’t get many yes’s


    I know how you feel. May you get a YES very soon to your beshairt!!


    ilovetheholyland, just want to send to you the wishes that you’ll get THE yes very soon, to the right one…. You only need just the ONE yes! (that’s not belittling your frustration in any way) Keep doing all you can, perhaps look where you can change, or do different, and PRAY, PRAY AND PRAY. i’m sorry it’s difficult ;( toy! The right one will be very lucky to have you, so don’t lose hope just yet.


    I give you a bracha the right one will come this week!!!

    He will be the most perfect guy for you, he will be everything you’ve always wanted!! And he will be exactly what you need! You will be happily married together ad meah veesrim in good health wealth, and hatzlocha and bracha in everything you do!!! Amen!!! Looking forward to hearing this bracha came true!!!

    DAVEN DAVEN DAVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!! and don’t stop DAVENING!!!!!! hashem loves you!!!!!!! I care about you and feel your pain!!!!!!


    thanx everyone for your responses. some of you have mentioned that perhaps i’m looking for someone not for me, or beyond my reach. i dont think i am. i’m looking for a baal middos, a guy who will eventually be a good father or husband. i’m not looking for a long term learner and i would have no problem dating a working guy. i do have a job and $ coming in, and my parents will i’h do what they can to help me out. i would even have no problem dating a guy from a broken home, or a BT if i look into him and am satisfied with my research. i dont think im looking for anything thats not within my reach. it just makes no sense to me why i am not getting any suggestions if this is all i want.

    corey- im totally open to your suggestion. how do i go about doing that?

    popa – can you please translate what you wrote?

    thanx everyone again!


    ilovetheholyland -“cant get the guys to give a yes ๐Ÿ™ “

    I don’t what I’m saying yes to, but I’m a guy and I say Yes.

    Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. Now that you have your yesses, are you happy now? ๐Ÿ™‚ ;] ๐Ÿ˜‰ :} It’s Adar -Don’t worry -be happy!

    Many people -Gents & Ladys are in your situation.


    I cited two pesukim. The first is from tehillim, and it reads that G-d turns the barren woman into the smiling mother of sons.

    The second is from isiah or so (in the haftarah for a fast day). It says that a sris (man who cannot give birth–seems should also apply to a man or woman who cannot get married) should not feel bad for not having children, because if they follow the torah and become close to Hashem, He will make for them in house a “hand and name” which will be better than sons and daughters, and will never end.


    “cant get the guys to give a yes :(“

    Get redt to guys that dont live at home with meddling mothers. You will have plenty of yes’s.


    thanx popa for the translations. and thanx everyone for your comforting words! ๐Ÿ™‚


    just fyi,

    kapusta, i tried your idea about checking my refs…..and guess what? you were right!


    Wow. I’m sorry it happened, but I’m happy its something that can be fixed. I hope the right guy comes knocking on your door (or ringing your bell) very soon!

    And I don’t know you very very well but from what I do… Well, if a CR reference is worth anything… ๐Ÿ™‚

    Hatzlacha with everything!



    Something’s fishy here.


    lol, thanx! and thanx for the idea!


    I’m ashamed to say this, becuase its a real sad note, as to where we have fallen to, but under the circumstances, maybe this would work:

    Instead of waiting for him to ask you, ask HIM. Think about it: he is deathly afraid of the responsibility getting married entails, and while he will most likely be ok once he grows up (say, 2-3 years after the wedding), right now, he’s just a child.

    If he has the potential to be someone, take the initiative, and ask him to marry you.

    Whats the worst that can happen…He’ll say no? You’re heading for a no in any case.

    And he might just say yes!



    Are you on the right thread?


    Would you be willing to date someone considerably older than you, although not too considerably? On second thought, “he” would be considerably older than you.


    ” Are you on the right thread? “

    I think so, Daas. I see the problem as boys (can’t call them men, can you) being too intimidated to commit (hence the resistance to give a yes).

    So considering the sorry state we currently find ourselves in, its up to the woman to ask. She earns, so she leads.

    When best BMG boy grows up a bit, he can take the lead



    Say yes to which question?

    I think your cynicism has led you to draw false conclusions from made-up facts.


    I know two people who did this and the next boy they met they married.

    They went to the kever of the person they were named after, and said tehillim. What exactly they said I do not know.

    Good Luck


    “draw false conclusions from made-up facts.”

    The only fact I was provided is the fact that a 21 y/o woman cannot get a commitment from her male counterpart in the dating process.

    Obviously, I do not know the opening poster in the real world nor do I know the person she is dating.

    But, if she is like the 100s of other 21 year old women in today’s shidduch scene, and he is like the truckloads of boys on the shidduch scene, she is head and shoulders above him, in both maturity and accomplishment.

    So if she wants to get engaged, (and the commitment is not forthcoming from the boy) she has 2 choices:

    A) Wait for someone to ask

    B) Have her ask

    Sounds weird, but the shidduch scene today is somewhat weird to begin with


    i think the confusion here may be on how different posters are interpretting ‘getting a yes’- if thats as far as an engagement, a second date, or a first date. Let’s not make this an insult party, let!s just see where the misunderstanding’s stemming from! Thanks!


    The only fact I was provided is the fact that a 21 y/o woman cannot get a commitment from her male counterpart in the dating process.

    No, she can’t get a male to even agree to begin the dating process (to go out with her). That was your mistaken fact.

    BMG boys, for the most part, are just as able to make a commitment as anyone else, as evidenced by the very large percentage of them who get married within a year or two of starting to date. Your generalization that they are somehow unable to make a commitment was your mistaken conclusion.


    Let’s not make this an insult party

    My intention is not to insult bpt, who is usually a very pleasant and entertaining poster, it’s to defend BMG bochurim against his unwarranted attack on them.


    my apologies to you DaasYochid


    bpt – in this case i was referring to what daas yochid was saying. its getting the guys to begin the dating process.

    btguy – i would date a guy older then me, depending of course on how MUCH older….in fact, many times, the older the guy, the more mature he is and the bigger sense of responsiblity he has.


    …or hes a commitment phobe


    Hi ilovetheholyland.

    Oh, he has to be mature too? : / lol

    Well, the “person” I had in mind is nearly twice your age.

    That would be on the far side of MUCH older.

    Again, you sound fantastic and I wish you tremendous hatzlacha!!!


    “he has to be mature too?”

    yeah – i can be hard to please ๐Ÿ˜‰

    and twice my age IS a little older than i would considar…but thanx for your efforts! ๐Ÿ™‚


    “begin the dating process “

    “evidenced by the very large percentage of them who get married”

    “Your generalization that they are unable to make a commitment”

    Semantics and hair splitting. You know full well what I meant. Our boys are a shameful bunch, when compared to their girl peers. And we as parents are as guilty as is the BMG managment of this travesty.

    And as far as me going on the offensive and taking BMG boys to task, I speak from within the glass house, and am ready to throw the 1st stone.

    The system (one which I am a guilty party to) is a rotten one, and I would change it in a minute if I could


    bpt: You speak from your own perspective, and perhaps what you say is correct in your own home, but you are very incorrect as a rule. The boys in the frum community are wonderful and being brought up beautifully.


    “The boys in the frum community are wonderful and being brought up beautifully.”

    When was the last time you were a girl and dated?

    (& if you are a girl and just have a deceiving SN, My apologies..)


    lol @ ilovetheholyland.

    Again, Hatzlacha!

    : )


    ” The boys …being brought up beautifully. “

    Bnei Torah, with a love for learning? For sure.

    Ready to face the rigors of running a family? And earning a living? And are on par with the girls of the same age range?

    Not so sure.

    Still, if I am mistaken, please, by all means, point me in the right direction. I have several friends who are desparately seeking just such boys for their highly accomplished daughters.

    So far, all I see are empty suits. And come Pesach, we wil be getting back several plane-loads more of under-qualified boys. Each seeking the best “deal” that momma / poppa were able to secure for them.

    And the girls? Each one, more prepared than the next. Goal oriented, and a clear vision of how to get there. Oh, and on top of that, they ALSO have a deep love for Torah.

    So, Gabi, unless you are taking about a community other than the BMG (and its feeders) that I’m talking about, I truly to not see how you can say what you do with a straight face.


    Each seeking the best “deal” that…poppa were able to secure for them.

    I try my best. I think everyone should get the best deal they can.


    + 1, What bpt said…


    ditto bpt. great post!

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