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I have a problem. I only realized it’s a problem when someone brought it up to me. This person said I care to much about other people’s needs, and that I should focus on my own needs more. I think he’s right. I sometimes find myself going out of my way to help out complete strangers, even if it negatively impacts my schedule. For example, if I’m in line at the supermarket and I see the person behind me has less stuff in his/her cart, or I see they’re pressed for time, I’ll let them go ahead of me, even though it’ll make me late for something. Or, another example, though less bothersome, would be if I’m sitting at a red light and the person behind me is trying to get into the turning lane but they don’t have enough room, I’ll drive up as close as I can to the car in front of me to give the person behind me enough room to get into the turning lane.
These things are really not my responsibility, yet I find that I must do them anyway. Am I being taken advantage of? Is it as much of a problem as my friend says? Is it considered being too involved in someone else’s business? When I get married, will it bother my wife that I’m too concerned about her needs, and I’m not giving her enough space? What do you all think?
I am concerned that it is a big problem.
I think you need to ask yourself if these things really bother your or not.
Some people let other’s take advantage of them but even though they outwardly offer it inside they really wish the other person would say no.
Other people just don’t seem to mind the hassle whatsoever.
I think if you’re in the first group, then it is better to allow others to take advantage of you but instead work on increasing your happiness in doing chesed in small steps.
If you’re in the latter group than be happy that this particular midah comes naturally to you and focus and the other midos that don’t.
I do the same things and I asked your question too. As long as you are not making yourself nuts and ruining your schedule every other day for no reason and you’re not a push over then why not do a chesed for someone else
MiddlePath
The key is to learn what Chessed is. A person has an obligation to do chessed, although how much is very subjective and depends on who you are and your madreigah and free time….
One thing that many people dont know is that its not a chessed to help someone who doesnt really need your help at all and can do the thing on their own but are just lazy and want someone else to do it for them or help them. It isnt a chessed to enable someone to be a user.
MiddlePath, Chessed is a wonderful thing that keeps the world running! Because there is no set amount of Chessed one must do, the more that you can accomplish, the better. The gray area is when the Chessed comes at your expense, for example if you lack the time, energy, or funds. If you don’t mind, then go ahead and do it- theres nothing wrong with being a “push over”.
im exactly like that but i just recently learned you can care for others just dont go overboard-GOOD LUCK!!
Don’t worry unless you start carrying around a crossing sign for walking across the street in your car.
There is nothing bad about doing a chessed. When the chessed causes you a loss of income, or compromises you or your family members in some manner, you have to ask yourself what you are doing. If I like to be mevakeir choli,but am away from home to the extent that my kids and husband are being neglected on a regular basis (occasionally is not so geferlech), there is something very wrong with that picture.
Sum ppl have a problem called codependency.. Find out what it is 2 make sure u dont have it cuz its a pretty serious thing……
One thing that many people dont know is that its not a chessed to help someone who doesnt really need your help at all and can do the thing on their own but are just lazy and want someone else to do it for them or help them. It isnt a chessed to enable someone to be a user.
I’m not advocating using someone or allowing oneself to be used but isn’t a part of Chessed to improve ones middos? (So whether the person is capable of doing something for themselves or not wouldn’t really have anything to do with my doing the Chessed.)
Welcome back btw.
kapusta
Thanks for the welcome back! Not sure how long Ill be around…but im enjoying myself so far…
The purpose of Cheesed is to do a kindness for the person, enabling someone to be more lazy or to become a user is not a chessed and in fact is a non chessed to the person. It is not beneficial for the person. So you haven’t done a chessed and in fact you have been cruel to the person and made your own middos worse.
Does this make sense?
middlepath- I had this question for a while in the beginning of the year until I really thought about it for a while and came to this conclusion- I generally say yes right away if its something I am doing to make someone else’s life easier unless its going to really mess my schedule or something like that. Otherwise, saying yes can almost never hurt. Just remember to take time off and spent time on yourself also.
Middle Path:
Sounds like you were blessed with an extra measure of sensitivity to the needs of others. To ascertain whether you are overdoing it, try asking yourself these questions.
Do I feel angry if the recipients do not acknowledge my chessed?
Do I feel angry if the results of my chessed are not what I had wanted?
Do I feel obligated to perform each chessed that comes my way? (or do I view it as an opportunity which I can consciously decide to utilize e.g. will it infringe on my personal responsibilities, etc.)?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, then your chessed may be a compulsion stemming from a desire to gain approval or be in control. In order to ultimately do true chessed, try saying “No” sometimes. When you give yourself permission to say “No”, you may feel relieved (and also bad at first; ignore this feeling- it’s the Yetzer Hara.)
middle- if you are the middle then thats good but it sounds like you are not at the middle yet in this area.
Middle- I’m impressed with you! Keep it up!
happy to help! its funny that im helping you when i need so much help myself!!
The purpose of Cheesed is to do a kindness for the person, enabling someone to be more lazy or to become a user is not a chessed and in fact is a non chessed to the person. It is not beneficial for the person. So you haven’t done a chessed and in fact you have been cruel to the person and made your own middos worse.
I understand that Chessed is to help someone but isn’t a part of Chessed about improving ones middos? Even if they don’t actually need the help, why would I be “harming” (and not improving) my own middos by helping?
sometimes you can be helping someone but in essence they are helping you more than you are helping them. they are doing more for you by letting you help them more than they can ever imagine.
Somehow i am not as concerned right now about you overdoing it as i am about the person who told you to be careful. It sounds to me that the person is either burnt out or is a little bit selfish.
As a bochur it is quite admirable that you go out of your way to do cheesed. When you are older and have more responsibility it will be more difficult for you to do some of the things that you find so easy to do at the moment and you will not be so able or willing to do them later on in life. So going out of your way to do a favor, or a cheesed that makes you a little late now and then, and doesn’t bother you right now should not be a concern for someone else.
Everyone has their own ways of doing Chessed and they can change over time depending on one’s circumstances and responsibilities. Right now you don’t have many obligations other than to yourself. Later on you will have obligations to your wife, children, maybe a boss, etc. and your time, and money will no longer be just your own, so the way you do cheesed will change. Of course the things you do today strengthens your heart in the right direction so you will ALWAYS be willing to do cheesed in whatever ways you will be able to. So please do NOT worry about it and just be yourself.
“The purpose of Cheesed is to do a kindness for the person, enabling someone to be more lazy or to become a user is not a chessed and in fact is a non chessed to the person. It is not beneficial for the person. So you haven’t done a chessed and in fact you have been cruel to the person and made your own middos worse.
I understand that Chessed is to help someone but isn’t a part of Chessed about improving ones middos? Even if they don’t actually need the help, why would I be “harming” (and not improving) my own middos by helping?”
Basically, if your act of “kindness” is not beneficial for the person you are doing it for, then it doesnt improve your middos either. If the person you are doing the favor for has developed a sickness that they use others or are lazy, by you doing them a “favor” you just enable them to continue being sick. You are “feeding” their sickness, not helping them and therefore your middos are not improving, Aderabbah what you have done can even be an Aveirah.
Were in this together and by me telling you what I think you should do too draw the line, its reinforcing it for me. Same idea applies to many things, but I work for a family every day- laundry, bathing kids, cleaning up…. and she thinks I’m helping her but in essence she taught me so much its amazing. And I feel so accomplished from the job although its so much work physically
“If the person you are doing the favor for has developed a sickness that they use others or are lazy, by you doing them a “favor” you just enable them to continue being sick.”
It’ not always so easy to determine. There are some people who suffer from emotional issues rendering them unable to perform simple tasks, yet they appear “normal” to the layperson. Labeling such individuals as “users” or “lazy” is a huge avla.
middle- i dont think its an issue to say im sorry when you are not the one thats really wrong
but thats just my opinion
IMO, any healthy relationship needs to be both giving and taking.
MIddlepath, marriage is NOT about taking it is about giving. Both parties need to be aware that if they both give 100% then they both get 100% and never have to worry about it. If you are always concentrating on your partner’s need and not your own then you are both going to to be fulfilled because each of your needs will always be met.
When partners concern themselves with their own needs, and “What about MY needs?” “What about what I want”, that is what they concentrate on the most and forget that their job is to take care of their partner. Everyone is busy waiting for the other person to “GIVE” and are in a holding pattern because all they are concerned about is themselves. This causes a tremendous amount of hurt and frustration. Which leads to huge Shalom Bayis issues. However when you concentrate on giving and how can I satisfy my partners’ needs and how can I fulfill my partner? Then both are always taken care of, respected, and fulfilled.
As far as saying “I’m sorry”, there is nothing wrong with apologizing to keep the peace. However a true apology is one that is sincere and not just a “bandaid”. In other words, if you one has to offer a sincere apology for a real issue or a real hurt one caused another person it would have to be something along the lines of “I am sorry that i …………….and I hurt you. I will be careful not to do it again”. That is a sincere apology.
in marriage you will be taking no matter what. dont worry about just being the giver.
i am really thinking about leaving. i have gotten into too much hot water here. i have left before for a couple of weeks but i really dont like it here anymore. i think i should just move on in life. i needa get married
I BH suffer from the same condition and I noticed that people think they can take advantage of me so I started a thing where if someone needs something from me I tell them that they need to do a favor for me IE: feel free to take my car jet bring it back with a full tank
Middlepath- I know this is weird to say- but you sound like an AMAZING guy!!!
I really always agree with so much that you say and I also have this “problem” and people always tell me- you can do things for yourself sometimes.. and i do, but when others need things- i like to help them out first- these things dont bother me. i think it’s fine. Yes, we shouldnt go to an extreme with any middah (take the middle path 🙂 ) but it doesnt seem like giving to other people the way you are is an extreme. you arent giving all your last pennies to tzedukah, and you arent giving up everything for everyone else- just everyday things which is normal and amazing. everyone should be giving up their spot in line if someone else seems like they are in a huge rush and needs to be somewhere really important. (at least that is how I feel..) You seem very yashar and I think you should keep up what you are doing and you wont have a problem in marriage…
middlepath, you made a very important point. It is very rewarding to “give” and you gain much pleasure to be on the “giving” end. It is also great to receive but, c”v if you were always on the receiving end and not c’v be able to give. So as long as it brings you pleasure to give I know that you will definitely start you marriage off on the right foot. And by the way, this girl is “lucky” to have you. So what did SHE do to deserve you?
aries- nicee
I am also someone who on the spot says yes I’m married and have 3 kids. This year I learned to say no for the first time. I have a “friend” who used me for writin emails for him. I agreed I wanted to help. But then it go tooo much. Hed call me late at nite and would drive me nuts during the day. So I decided ad kaan I’m gonna tell I can’t continue it I’m very sorry. He found someone else to drive crazy. Recently I had to be in hospital for four days and he came to visit me. Guess what? He wanted me to write an email for him and it was nothing important…I was very angry and told hjm. Sometimes you have to be able to say no!
jmj613, good point. We all have to learn that at the right time and sometimes with certain individuals. But in many cases the more you give to others, Hashem makes sure that you CAN give more to others.
aries youre right. i have a bro in law who is “ibergegeben” to people the whole day long and does special things. i guess hashem granted him with special koiches for that
Of course it’s works eople think twice before taking advantage and it doesn’t need to be something big just enough to make them realize that your going out of your way for them, it makes them feel like their showing their appreciation but obviously be careful not to go overboard
Most of my early married life, when I did not drive, people gave me rides everywhere. I made a neder (with my husband’s approval) that if and when I would learn to drive (and that was NOT easy for me, it was a great nisayon to overcome my fear), that I would always make myself available to help someone who needed a ride, were it in my power to do so. I have been zochah to fulfill that neder many times since then.
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