Cause For Teens At Risk?

Home Forums Family Matters Cause For Teens At Risk?

Viewing 24 posts - 201 through 224 (of 224 total)
  • Author
  • #688915

    Health, you’re right, it should be done. That’s why we are talking about it. Teens need mentors. While some are able to just flow with things, there are others who need someone to guide them. Someone they can turn to for questions or just to have a listening ear.

    These mentors are out there, we just need to find them. I feel it can be anyone who qualifies like an older, wiser friend, a rebitzen or rabbi, or someone else in the community. I know someone in my community who is like a big brother to many teens.


    every kid that is frum knows the score

    if he does mitzvos he will get rewarded and if not will be punished

    with that said any person who goes off has the choice

    im not saying that abused by someone isnt scaring. its wrong they should be locked up 4 along time but thats not a reason to go off

    he should talk to a professional about it and deal with the issue

    when he gets to shamayim hes gonna have to answer 4 all the times he didnt keep shaboss or put on tefillin

    nobody is going to be there besides him

    {the peaople that did this to him might be punished to a certain extent}

    but every person has bechira


    I agree; so how come they don’t do it? They didn’t do it in the story that I posted and they don’t do it in most frum schools.

    Health, I believe people are generally slow to change. I believe that sooner or later schools will have mentors for their students. Unfortunately it’s a monkey see monkey do type of world. The idea of a mentor is something that needs to catch on and then I believe all of the schools will have one. I think it will be a quite a number of years though before this happens.

    My daughters’ school has a couple of women who work with younger kids that need extra TLC. They talk while they do arts and crafts. But the parents need to request it if there is no obvious problem with their child. I requested that one of my daughters go to one of the women. I felt she needed a little TLC in the school environment itself, to boost her self esteem and it worked wonders.

    Parents need to be on top of these things too.


    kids at risk rabbi, you’re a real Rabbi with the right hashkafas that can deal with at risk kids.

    I can bet that you love these kids, and these kids know it as well, as much as those who respect OTD’s choices in life.

    A lot of scarred kids want to do the right thing, they’re just confused. And when someone like you, who is not playing to the tune of fuzzy wuzzy, all is good, it’s your choice, the main thing is that you’re comfortable, kind of fake song, helps them it’s gevaldig.

    I really believe that those teens who want to do the right thing eventually sort out their issues, but those teens who are not interested in a frum life, mehn ken zich shtellen oif di kop, you can work your kishkes out, they won’t change.

    Of course, there’s still the bechira that OTD’s have anytime in their life they want to change, but that’s irrespective of whether someone was there to respect their choice in life when they sinned. And while I keep on saying that we need to show love for OTD kids (just as we should act towards EVERY jew), and act in a respectful manner to them, we as believing Jews absolutely cannot condone a life of sin.


    I just would like to clarify (as others have in these 5 pages of discussion), that the rabbeim that harm children are a minority. I myself (and the other bochurim who were/are in the yeshiva) have had amazing and wonderful rabbeim who showed me a love for Torah and Yiddishkeit, and would answer any question asked. To these rabbeim I owe so much.


    I suggest that our schools and yeshivas which produce thousands and thousands of our wonderful, frum youth who carry on the legacy of our mesorah should not be blanketed in such black colors just because of those kids who make bad choices.

    Yes, there needs to be improvement in some areas, we need to make sure only those who are really capable of being mechanchim are, (forget the training – we need caring hearts and intelligent minds)and we need more genuine enthusiasm for Yiddishkeit conveyed to our youth. However, as in any human enterprise, there will never be the perfect institition that will be not have any flaws.

    People had better adjust to that reality.


    Firstly, aries2756, Why are you ‘paseling up’ the whole yeshiva system?

    It seems to me that you had a bad experience in your yeshiva days.

    Kids nowadays all have someone to talk to if not an older mentor or friend, a hotline, a program, something.

    In every yeshiva their is at least ONE RABBI that can be trusted.

    I know from my yeshiva days there was always someone to talk to.

    Now, whether hypocrisy of the Yeshiva, system, the yiddishkeit they are taught, is correct thats a different story.

    Unfortunately, we are all hypocrites to some extent. We all sin.

    When a father yells at his son not to talk during davening, and then turns around to discuss business with his friend, that is hypocritical, and that sends a more damaging message then non kosher cell phones and internet in my book.

    but thanks 4 your concern


    “When a father yells at his son not to talk during davening, and then turns around to discuss business with his friend, that is hypocritical, and that sends a more damaging message then non kosher cell phones and internet in my book.”

    I could not agree more! It’s like the obese doctor who tells you to lose weight and quit smoking as he puffs away on his third pack of the day.


    Not usually a big talker but felt i had to get this out there. Attended quote “top notch, high end, brand name” brooklyn yeshiva and mesivta.

    Elementary school was okay – obviously the substandard english studies but overall most of the rabbiem seemed to genuinely care about their talmidim. But it all changed in 8th grade and went slowly downhill from there. 8th grade rebbe says “you know, wearing a polo shirt to yeshiva is what younger kids do”. No further comments about why I should or shouldnt dress a certain way or why I should even care. Then I had a 9th grade rebbe who could explain the deepest r’chaim during a shuir but I dont think I said more than good morning rebbe the entire year. I know 9th grade is an important time for torah growth, but where was the rebbe who was also my friend? Especially during a first year of high school when so much is changing for a talmid? But it was great that 2 nights a week we stayed in yeshiva until 8:30, and on Thursdays until 10! Because its important that 13 year olds have an outlet.

    10th grade was worse as the rebbe was more than a joke. shuir? bad. social skills? worse. Commitment to the job? well I assume hes been showing up at 1030 every morning for years -yeshiva started at 930- so clearly there’s nothing wrong with that. 11th grade is where the anti was really upped. Now remember boys, everyone wear a white shirt “because your bnei torah”. Well what is a ben torah? Do you want to get into that rebbe? Or not really for now? And english studies? sorry – youll do that 2 days a week from 5-7 because that will not be needed in your future life. And of course – staying in yeshiva every night until 10. because we were such masmidim. In truth, we would sit in the lunchroom every night until the mashgiach found us and asked we go to beis medrash. But nothing was ever said, nor did anyone think, maybe this isnt the best situation for us? 12th grade was the ultimate disaster. Imagine your rebbe chasing you down in his car, because he saw you “eating in a pizza shop” (eating with 2 other boys from yeshiva, nothing more). Im not kidding. Or yelling because he saw us not wearing a hat in the street (by davening of course we did) and we were certainly on the path to being a ben sorer. We were taught all these rules, but no explanations, and certainly no meaning or feeling behind any of it.

    The kicker of course was when it was time to leave yeshiva and 12th grade rebbe wanted to know the plans. Well I was going to go to a “college yeshiva” where I could learn 2 sedorim and go to school at night. And his response? “you know, that decision really disappoints me because I really think you had the potential to BE SOMETHING”. Just like that, I was written off. Needless to say, I am scared to ever send a child of mine to todays yeshivas but what choice do I really have. And the biggest regret I have today is simply that it would have been nice to actually learn something about why I am and should continue to be a frum jew while in yeshiva.


    Frum Attorney, I feel for you and I understand that you went through a hard bochurhood, much rougher than the average. if what you say is true 100% then those rebbeim did the wrong thing. Chazak BaTorah!


    Tam Mahu Omer:

    I would say he went to a much rougher yeshiva then average, not his specific experience. I could name a yeshiva or two that had similar rules in my day, (like daven in your dorm before walking into BM without a hat on) but most of them are OK (I would think).

    frum attorney: When you choose a yeshiva for your child, make sure it fits your hashkafic outlook. You don’t have to send to the best, you have to send to the right one for you and your child.


    I think there should be more variety in chareidi yeshivos, and then all kids will be happy. some should focus on bekiyus some iyun, some should be soft spoken some serious, etc.


    Gavra, I hate to say this, but today, it is very difficult to “choose” a yeshiva. Unfortunately today, the yeshiva chooses you. YOU apply and if they like your nose they take you, if not you apply to another, and another, and another, until you get in. And then, if you don’t like what is going on you are afraid to say anything because you fear your child will get kicked out, and if your child gets kicked out no one else will take him.

    That is what happens in today’s yeshivas.


    Gavra it’s important to note that in our day the children do not share hashkafa with parents by default. So what may be a good Hashkafic outlook for the parents is no shaychus to the child. How many kids have become Bnei Torah with modern parents? And how many kids have become modern with Bnei Torah parents? And same with Chassidish and Litvish etc.


    Tam: Good point, but the change usually happens once they get older, not in elementry school.

    aries2756: B”H I don’t live in an area like that. It may be true for you, though.

    You could also attempt to get in via the “large donation” method.


    Gavra I know many kids who change in their preteen age


    frum attorney, I’m glad you were smart enough to do what you felt was right for you by going to a “college yeshiva”.

    It’s important to remember that the yeshiva must fit the teen and it seems to me the Yehiva you had different (I’m not talking about right or wrong – I’m saying DIFFERENT) standards that you had.

    I agree with you that yeshivas (and schools too) should also have the option of hashkafa classes for those of us who want to know the WHY not just the HOW.


    philosopher, Mah Shelo Yaaseh Haseichel yaaseh hazman. (Experience is better than logic). I went to a top notch yeshiva that had hashkafa class. He was leaned towards the left, i dont know why they chose him, but it was a disaster. He farkrumt a few people, DID NOT HELP. If people are interested in hashkofa, learn Torah talk to Talmidei Chachomim. Don’t go looking for these Hashkofenyaks!


    When a father yells at his son not to talk during davening, and then turns around to discuss business with his friend, that is hypocritical, and that sends a more damaging message then non kosher cell phones and internet in my book.

    Agreed. And even if it has the appearance of being holy and proper it can still come back to bite you.

    A personal example:

    A few years ago, I would often open up a mishnayos during Chazaras HaShatz. I did this for a while until one day I caught my oldest reading a novel during Chazaras HaShatz. When I told him that it was inappropriate to read during ChS, he responded that I did it, so why couldn’t he? I tried (at first) to justify that my reading was different since I was reading something that was Torah, but in the end, I had to concede the point that he was right. I told him that his point was valid, I was wrong, and that, as of right then, I would no longer be learning during ChS.

    Since then, I do not learn during ChS and follow the Chazan in the siddur.

    The Wolf


    well done wolf


    Tam Mahu Omer, you are right. You have a point.

    That’s why I always say any institution that humans create cannot be free of flaws because each individual needs a different mehalach. It must work for the majority for if we cater to each individual’s need then it’s going to be a disaster.


    Someone wrote, the kids know that if they do mitzvos ….

    I feel that they should be taught more than just reward and punishment. Some kids don’t care about it. They should Also be taught that just like Hashem gives us food for our body, He also gave us mitzvos for our soul to help us connect to Him.

    If they are not interested for themselves, then we can also mention that our mitzvos help the world by bringing blessings to the world.


    Yes, kids are taught that if they do mitzvos they get rewards. However, for whatever reason while they did mitzvos bad things happened to them and they turned off the derech. Their questions are, why did these things happen to me, or my family and/or friends when we were all following the Torah, being good little Jews, doing mitzvos etc. The argument just doesn’t hold water. You can’t use that kind of logic on kids. Why do kids die young, what did a 3 year old do to deserve death? Kids have questions and need answers, they are not capable of blind faith. The more you ignore their questions, the more questions they have. Hashem is a concept to many, Hashem is not tangible and when FRUM Jews do not role model the exemplary behavior they are supposed to the concept of Hashem being a loving caring G-d that will reward them and not hurt them becomes a foreign concept.


    The more you ignore their questions, the more questions they have

    A lot of kids ask all kinds of emunah questions that parents, barely knowing the answer, sidestep the issue and the kids’ questions just fade away. Others do have questions which don’t go away.

    It doesn’t matter whether the questions will fade away or not. If an answer can be answered in a satisfactory way it should be. But how can we explain why Hashem does bad to good people? Most kids do accept an answer that Hashem is so great we cannot comprehend his Ways.

    Hashem is a concept to many, Hashem is not tangible and when FRUM Jews do not role model the exemplary behavior they are supposed to the concept of Hashem being a loving caring G-d that will reward them

    What does Hashem doing good have to do with Jews not acting good? Do goyim only act good to Jewish children? They have never hurt them in any way?

    and not hurt them becomes a foreign concept.

    Hashem brings sickness on children, Hashem makes them be born into poor families, Hashem makes them lose parents c”v (okay we’ll not talk about them being born into abusive families as you feel that the parents can fix that for the child) Hashem does all kinds of things that LOOK bad to kids.

    If you feel that humans are the ones causing the pain to the kids and not Hashem, what do you answer when it is clearly not through human’s hands that their pain is caused?

    What do you answer them then?

Viewing 24 posts - 201 through 224 (of 224 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.