Dating A Gerrer Guy

Home Forums Shidduchim Dating A Gerrer Guy

Viewing 50 posts - 1 through 50 (of 135 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #602438
    sushee
    Member

    A close relative is dating (actually beshowing – and they go quick) a Gerror boy. She is from a heimish family. She has a sister married to a Chasidish (non-Ger) guy, and another sister married to a Yeshivish guy, and another married to a heimishe guy. I’ve heard that Gerrers have uncommon restrictions for their wives, though I never understood what. Supposedly this guy is open-minded and doesn’t intend to follow these chumros, whatever they are.

    Does anyone know what these chumros are and how they apply or anything else that would be useful to know?

    #861432
    Toi
    Participant

    they have a very weird blueprint for a husband-wife relationship. if he doesnt plan on keeping their weirdnesses then fine, but you should have them ask specifics. you’d be very surprised. And for those on here that will call me a hater, you should ask someone who is involved and knows what they do. You would be very surprised.

    #861433
    gabie
    Member

    They are noheg to walk a few steps ahead of the wife, when walking in public.

    #861434
    ED IT OR
    Participant

    they are me’Gayer the wife

    #861435
    Toi
    Participant

    Gabi- you wish that was the worst of it.

    #861436
    zahavasdad
    Participant

    They are noheg to generally follow the rules of nidah even when the wife is not a nidah and keep contact with spouse to a bare minumum

    #861437

    Supposedly this guy is open-minded and doesn’t intend to follow these chumros, whatever they are.

    What does open-mindedness have to do with not following the chumros of one’s sect? Open-minded means a Klausenberger willing to open up a Divrei Yoel. I think the correct term here though is poresh min hatzibbur.

    #861438
    yitayningwut
    Participant

    I love how the term “open-minded” somehow came to mean less machmir.

    If you think about it, it’s very condescending. But then again, everyone thinks that they’re the definition of normal. Everyone to the right and everyone to the left are truly just a bunch of closed-minded extremists.

    #861439
    HaKatan
    Participant

    I have NO IDEA if the rumors I’ve encountered are or are not true, but my understanding is that there are MANY more chumros, and **some of those are of a MUCH more life-changing nature**, than “walking a few steps ahead”.

    I would advise DEFINITELY consulting a trusted family Rav, JUST IN CASE it is an issue for this particular potential couple.

    May there be many beautiful simchas in Klal Yisrael.

    #861440
    ItcheSrulik
    Member

    Some are gerrer chasidim don’t call their wives by her first name even in private. There are other chumros that can’t be posted here.

    #861441
    nishtdayngesheft
    Participant

    Rule one, do NOT rely on anything you read on a blog.

    There are ways to get accurate, pertinent information, a blog is not the way.

    The people involved should speak to their moreh derech and the shadchan to clarify the issues.

    #861442
    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    They are noheg to generally follow the rules of nidah even when the wife is not a nidah

    Well, that’s *obviously* not true. If it were, no Gerrer couple could ever have a child.

    The Wolf

    #861443
    zahavasdad
    Participant

    Haaretz did an article on this, you can google it

    #861444
    zahavasdad
    Participant

    Wolf, except for absolute minimum they dont even touch

    Husband and wife dont even hold hands in private

    #861445
    Logician
    Participant

    I would object to calling their behavior “chumros”.

    Many Gedolei Yisroel have publicly protested these “hanhagos” as against the Torah.

    #861446
    gabie
    Member

    I would trust Haaretz as much as I do the Iranian News Agency.

    #861447
    zahavasdad
    Participant

    Just because its in Haaretz doesnt mean its wrong, if you know anything about Gur and you read the article. It basically confirms what you think you know

    #861448
    wanderingchana
    Participant

    I read recently that Ger started their own girls’ schools to prepare girls to marry their boys, which non-Ger girls didn’t want to do when they found out about the restrictions.

    #861449
    Nat
    Member

    Actually, the “chumros” you describe were the minhag of all chassidishe dynasties before the war. All these “chumros” are based on halacha and chassidus – but this is not the forum for these discussions. The Gerrer Rebbes z”l were of the greatestin all the previous generations, they surely knew right from wrong – it takes some chutzpa to knock them and their “shitos”.

    In any case, suprisingly enough, with all the talk about the Gerrers and their “chumros”, all the ones that I know are very happily married – wonders of wonders. There is a much smaller percentage of divorces in their society than in the general “heimish” society – so they must be doing something right.

    If you go to Haaretz to get your info, you are in bad shape (i.e. your yiddishkeit is of low quality).

    Nishtdayngesheft said it right – talk to your Rov and shadchan. Don’t go to bloggers for “eitzos” – they will surely steer you wrong.

    By the way, I don’t know where you live, but if you live in Boro Park, you can see them walking with their wives on Shabbos and Yom Tov – looks pretty normal to me.

    Good luck

    #861450
    Logician
    Participant

    Nat – you obviously don’t know what hanhagos we are talking about. These are innovations in Ger itself, and the Gedolim came out strongly, basically saying that one who acts as such is a “me’aneis”.

    In Eretz Yisroel they keep a different standard than in America. That is a fact.

    #861451
    a mamin
    Participant

    Ger today is not what it used to be and all of you should stay out of someone elses bedroom!

    #861452
    moi aussi
    Member

    There’s a famous letter from the Steipler who came out very strongly against these “hanhagos”.

    #861453
    nishtdayngesheft
    Participant

    To prove my previous point,

    Here you have Zahavasdad quoting Haaretz.

    From bad to worse.

    #861454
    zahavasdad
    Participant

    The real issue is not the Gerrer customs. The Issue is if the OP’s cousins know these customs and is willing to accept them and if she doesnt know them should the OP tell her and accept the ramifications if he tells her. (And I dont mean halachic problems, I am sure there is room Halachically to tell her, I mean FAMILY problems.)

    Would he want to be the one who broke up a Shidduch “to a fine boy and fine family”.

    About discussing these on an anonymous blog, the fact of the matter is these topics are somewhat secretive and if you asked your Rov he would not tell you and if you asked a Gerrer Chussid, they probably would not tell you either.

    #861455
    gavra_at_work
    Participant

    When in doubt, get a prenuptial.

    I would be concerned enough to mention it outright.

    #861458
    nishtdayngesheft
    Participant

    Zahavasdad,

    You say “if you asked your Rov he would not tell you”. This says more about your realtionship with a Rov than anything else.

    If you even have one.

    What you say is completely false for anyone who has a Rov.

    This also explains your posts in general.

    #861459
    zahavasdad
    Participant

    @Nisht

    Can you prove the haaretz article is wrong?

    Before you condemn the article why not read it.

    Its main source is a woman named Nava Wasserman who is getting her PHd from Bar Ilan on Gur

    #861460
    bpt
    Participant

    I’ll weigh in with a joke:

    Shmerel: “Hey, Chaim Yankel, word in the shteeble is, you were seen talking to your wife in the grocery store. Have you lost your mind?”

    Chaim Yankel: “What! That’s not true! It was not my wife! Waddya think, I lost my mind?”

    #861461

    You should read the Haaretz article. (I think it was two parts.)

    Just because Haaretz is generally anti-settlements doesn’t mean it’s anti-religious. Haaretz is the most neutral and even pro-chareidi secular newspaper in Israel. Gideon Levy regularly defends chareidim, and they have written numerous completely factual, objective and even positive articles about the chareidi world.

    The badmouthing of Haaretz amongst chareidim is usually based on what they heard from Zionist acquaintances. Those chareidim badmouthing Haaretz usually never even once read anything from Haaretz themselves.

    #861462
    cherrybim
    Participant

    At age 3, my daughter was banned from a ger shtible because they said although she was all covered up, but her dress was too provocative. Very holy people these gers.

    #861463
    rabbiofberlin
    Participant

    I just went on the Haaretz website and found the article (actually by Tamar Rotem) that describes the above questions pretty extensively, in a study by Nava Wasserman (a chareidi woman, by the way). I will not detail them here but suffice it to be said that it has an approach that defies gemara and rishonim. However, if the people who follow Gur chassidus wants to do it, it is their option.

    #861464

    I must also note there are indeed plenty of people who are affiliated with Ger but do not actually follow all of those rules and have more Yeshivishe-style lives and dress.

    The OP said the boy said he would not want to follow all Ger stringencies – then it should be fine. But they should discuss the exact expectations from both of them in advance.

    #861465
    ItcheSrulik
    Member

    Nat: Actually most of them are the Beis Yisroel’s takkanos.

    #861466
    chaimboruch
    Member

    the minhagim of Ger are restrictive in a certain way for non-gerrers, however most gerrers in the US do not follow in those ways, and many in EY dont either.

    chances are, if he is a good bochur, he probably does not even know of these chumras- it will depend where he learns his halachos, what he will hold.

    Be happy for the couple. Gerers have no less shalom bayis with thein HanHagos.

    To think of it, The Yeshivish people have more hanhgas then balay Batim, such as day 31, Or Ohr Zerua, should you tell them? this is the fact of life. The Yeshivish are just as happily married then the bali batim, or the MO that have less halachals!

    #861467
    rabbiofberlin
    Participant

    in answer to the posters who write that “they should discuss it in advance’. are you serious? do you know what those “hanhogos’are? who should discuss it- the parents? it doesn’t concern them. the boy and girl? you can’t be serious!

    my advice would be- don’t get involved in something you may regret! and, by the way, itchesrulik is right- these are very recent ‘takonos”.

    #861468

    cherrybim:

    At age 3, my daughter was banned from a ger shtible because they said although she was all covered up, but her dress was too provocative. Very holy people these gers.

    That’s not so outlandish. My R”Y didn’t let girls over the age of three into the beis midrash (which is where we also davened) at all. Why should your daughter be in the men’s section anyway?

    #861469
    sushee
    Member

    Mazal Tov! MAZAL TOV!!

    #861470
    writersoul
    Member

    HaMelech: Who says she wasn’t in the women’s section (assuming there was one)?

    sushe: Mazal Tov! So everything was resolved in the end? Or did it not come up?

    #861471
    HaKatan
    Participant

    chaimboruch, that’s a ridiculous comparison.

    Day 31 is not a major life-affecting halacha, very unlike the nidon didan. So, yes, Day 31 is not necessary to be up-front about when any chassan/kallah would learn about such shitos in their classes. But none of the (non-Gur, certainly) girls will learn about those of the nidon didan.

    Mo is not relevant here.

    #861472
    Chosson
    Member

    Shame of all of you!!

    #861473
    Toi
    Participant

    yes,yes. Shame of all of us.

    #861474
    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    Shame of all of you!!

    Aside from the fact that my very existence is shameful, why should I be shamed for this thread?

    The Wolf

    #861475
    Chosson
    Member

    You don’t appreciate the kedusha and tehara of the Gerrer Chassidim, Ok I understand you. You know why?

    Once a Mizrachi came to the previous Gerrer Rebbe the Pnei Menachem Zt”l, and asked him why Ger needs to be so restrictive in it’s ways (Bochurim didn’t go into groceries etc.), I go to Tel Aviv all the time, he said, and I don’t feel anything when I see women.

    The Pnei Menachem answered him:

    If you go to the desert and you see Bedouins walking barefoot on the sand and rocks, and it doesn’t even bother them, do you perhaps think, why is it that I need to wear shoes and even with shoes, if a small pebble gets into my shoes it greatly disturbs me, and here they are walking around like this, as if nothing happened?

    The answer is, obviously it doesn’t hurt them because walk like that so often that they are insensitive to the dirt and pain. So is true in our case, said the Rebbe, our chassidim are so clean and eidel that every little think does bother them, but doesn’t this make you a Bedoiun.!?!?!

    To all my Bedoin freinds in the Coffe Room… ?????

    #861476
    Sam2
    Participant

    Chosson: Don’t call it Kedusha and Tahara. If the people who have these Hanhagos are happy with them, fine. I can appreciate a lifestyle that I don’t personally understand. I can live with that. But don’t call it Kedusha and Tahara. Having such a Hanhaga (assuming it’s not against Halachah) doesn’t make one any more Kadosh or Tahor than anyone else.

    #861477
    gavra_at_work
    Participant

    You don’t appreciate the kedusha and tehara of the Gerrer Chassidim

    Boruch Hashem. Me and the Steipler, it’s good company to keep.

    Better than having the Commendant keeping me “company”. ;-(

    #861478
    zahavasdad
    Participant

    Why should someone take upon a Chumra that they dont even know exists

    #861479
    MDG
    Participant

    Chosson,

    Thanks for the anecdotal story which proves nothing. Your mind is like the Bedouin’s foot; it can’t feel logic. Most people here are not Mizrachi. But you seem to think that if it’s not Ger then it must be not frum or pseudo-frum, lacking in “kedusha and tehara”. Not true. Everyone here is interested in following Halacha. We may differ as to what is the Halacha depending on our Mesora, Rabbanim, etc. You can call any practice “kedusha and tehara”, but it does not make it halacha.

    BTW, why do you put down Mizrachi people? Why do Gerrer have so much Sinah?

    #861480
    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    You don’t appreciate the kedusha and tehara of the Gerrer Chassidim

    Why is my home any less filled with kedusha and tahara because I choose to hold hands with my wife in our home? What is it about a married couple holding hands that is so intrinsically lacking in kedusha and tahara that a Gerrer home is so much more filled with it than mine on that basis alone?

    The Wolf

    #861481
    gabie
    Member

    If someone says Tikun Chatzos every midnight, that practice might fairly be described as kedusha vtahara. Now, that doesn’t mean that all the people who do not say Tikun Chatzos lack any kedusha vtahara. Just that those that do have an extra kedusha’dika practice.

    Nothing wrong with that. And same principle here I believe.

    #861482
    MDG
    Participant

    “If someone says Tikun Chatzos every midnight, that practice might fairly be described as kedusha vtahara. “

    Tikkun Chatzot is mentioned as a halacha in the Shulchan Aruch and accepted by all. It’s not a new minhag that some Gedolim, like the Steipler, argued against.

    No comparison.

Viewing 50 posts - 1 through 50 (of 135 total)
  • The topic ‘Dating A Gerrer Guy’ is closed to new replies.