October 10, 2011 3:44 am at 3:44 am #599875
So i am going back to my siblings house to spend the entire sukkos and i know i will have the same feelings about my niece i had the last time (http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/dear-niece) just a brief recap she doesnt want to have anything to do with me and wont even look at me or speak at me unless she has to.
you can reread the old thread for more specifics but its going to be more of the same any advice would be appreciated. The whole thing makes me very sad.October 10, 2011 3:52 am at 3:52 am #816143golden momMember
y go?October 10, 2011 4:02 am at 4:02 am #816144doodle jumpParticipant
Have you tried to discuss the problem with her parents? What do they say? I am sorry about your situation. Nobody wants to be in a situation that is so unpleasant. I assume that if you are going, it must be that going somewhere else is not in the picture.
Just stay out of her way. Don’t be overly friendly. Good morning. Good night. Good yom tov and that’s it. Don’t expect an answer.October 10, 2011 4:17 am at 4:17 am #816146kapustaParticipant
*long post alert*
I wanted to post this on the original thread. Looks like I didn’t. Teen girls can be really funny. Even when they don’t mean to be. I can understand that you’re very hurt but (this will sound odd, it is) don’t take it as a reflection of you.
Imagine working at the end of the assembly line in a factory. You know what happens before the product gets to you, but you don’t actually watch it happen. One day when it gets to you, you see that the product isn’t coming to you the way it should be. Of course you wouldn’t check your area for any problems, because thats the way its coming to you. If she’s like many teenagers (?) its a stage she’s going through that she’ll hopefully grow out of with time. (I’m not saying theres something with your niece, c’v)
I reread the OP on the original thread, and something bothered me. You seem to define yourself as “maybe its because of my advanced age and also my single status that you find troubling”, rather than it possibly being a factor. First and foremost, you are a person and theres no reason to lower yourself. Sorry for the mussar shmooze.
As hard as it may be, IMO, wait for her to make the first move. Pushing will only cause resentment.
Hope you have a quiet bus ride this time. 🙂
HatzlachaOctober 10, 2011 4:29 am at 4:29 am #816147MindOverChatterParticipant
Kapusta: +1. Couldn’t agree more.
Goq: All I can say is that I really feel for you. Do you think writing a letter will be of any help? Either way, I hope you have a wonderful Yom Tov.
Hatzlacha rabba.October 10, 2011 9:18 am at 9:18 am #816148sea.shellsMember
I really feel for you on this… Coming from a girls perspective, AYC might just be right! She’s too immature to see past attraction.. with married guys she doesn’t have a problem cause their taken already anyway… Really don’t take don’t take it to heart… She doesn’t mean to hurt you, she likes you,maybe even loves you… just halachically she can’t express that, so she avoids you as a geder, to avoid coming accross as a flirt. technically according to halacha she can possibly marry you.. -I’m sure someone mentioned that already.. You mentioned in another thread that it has been going on for 6 years… well assuming she just entered the market now,she must have became a teenager then..So that practically sums everything up..
maybe once you are both taken, the ice will melt itself down… prehaps you two are a match… who knows…lol:)October 10, 2011 1:37 pm at 1:37 pm #816149
ty all for responding, ty kapusta for your wise wordsOctober 10, 2011 4:30 pm at 4:30 pm #816150adorableParticipant
Its freaky that just the other day I was thinking about your other thread but it was closed so I couldn’t post. does your sister know anything about this? why are you going there all YOM TOV? do you have anyone else to split it up with? being the girl here, I really think that she might just be feeling a little claustrophobic….as guys can sometimes do that by mistake.October 10, 2011 6:14 pm at 6:14 pm #816151
Adorable its not just that she doesnt approve of me she cant stand the sight of me if we are sitting across a table from each other she will move sometihng in between us (cereal box, flowers) just so she doesnt have to look at me.October 10, 2011 8:38 pm at 8:38 pm #816152🍫Syag LchochmaParticipant
Sounds like pathetic behavior for a girl old enough to get married (I’m talking about moving a box between them, can’t speak on the rest)
Goq – if you’re spending Sukkos in your old hometown there are many of us who would have you over for meals if things got clustrophobic!! And midwesterners wife makes a mean dessert!October 10, 2011 8:48 pm at 8:48 pm #816153
that is very kind syag ty not this time in ChicagoOctober 10, 2011 9:43 pm at 9:43 pm #816154
I suggest a different approach. Though i doubt you’d try it. Especially since it may seem counterproductive and against your nature (which you portray in writing)
It may very well be that she likes you, maybe even more,
but the age difference is just too unacceptable to her.
Feelings of the heart are extremely complex, especially to a young
girl growing up, with an older male relative who shes seldom sees.
Don’t bank on a future, or even that she might like you.
Nevertheless, I suggest this time, you try avoiding her.
Instead of trying so hard to be civil to her and have conversation. This time, show her that you have accepted the fact that she can’t stand you, and that you’re fine with it.
Totally avoid her! Don’t exchange pleasantries, no Gut Yum Tov directed at her, just totally ignore her.
But the important thing is, don’t act mad at her or make it obvious that your avoiding her.
Just be happy and animated with everyone as if she isn’t even there. No glares, just smiles and show her that you accept as a mature adult that she doesn’t want a/t do you w/ you,(in body language and behavior that is) and act as if your fine with it.
I can almost guarantee results. At first she will be ultra fuming
at you when she notices it, i would make sure to leave the table
before the HOT soup is served.
But then it should slowly get her frustrated and try to get your attention. She might even try making fun of you.
here’s the thing… since she makes such an effort to show her feelings,(instead of just regular ignoring or avoiding, that means she wants you to feel her wrath and there is anger directed at you for something.
Maybe anger at herself for feeling sorry for you, or inner feelings, whatever it is, if you do this and wait out the storm,
you’ll get to the real reason why she is avoiding you.
If she takes it cool and in stride for a few days, then
she really doesn’t like you, (for whatever reason)
[unless she has an extreme tough personality]
[then she might even find it amusing and it will take much more
more time to for this to be effective.]
[But don’t worry, I highly doubt that’s the case.
it takes a real character to be amused by getting silent treatment in return]
However if she gets even more mad, you’ll know she likes you.
sometimes like a 6yo boy who pushes the girl he likes in the sandbox, cause he doesn’t know how to communicate,
a teen can have the same proactive logic, especially since
proper communication under the circumstances is almost impossible
and may feel wrong to her or embarrassing.
I wish you Hatzlacha, either way, though im 99% sure you won’t try this.
I have experience in these areas….. (silent treatment etc..)
Don’t ask!October 10, 2011 10:00 pm at 10:00 pm #816155
bein: if goq tries your experiment and it turns out you are correct, what did goq accomplish? What changes?October 10, 2011 10:18 pm at 10:18 pm #816156
If she likes him he can work with it.
If not what he supposed to do? It is not his job to act even more nice cuz thats creepy and pathetic.
If he never did anything to her to cause this, she has issues,
and groveling in front of her, he is an adult, is just plain wrong. Is he supposed to reward ridiculous behavior with more
kissing up? That is plain wrong in Chinuch or life.
The best thing either way is just to avoid antagonizing her after her odd decision to avoid him. If that what she wants then bye.
It is not his daughter, he is not obligated to have a relationship with every one of his family members especially female.
He obviously made attempts to be nice and talk to her being civil despite her attempts at dehumanizing him.
If he didn’t do anything to warrant it, then just avoid her.
If She comes around fine, if not, well, win some, lose some.
If she’s normal she should grow out of it.
I know chasing after her, if he’s not interested in her as a perspective marriage option, is wrong.
Yes I believe in Ohev Shalom V’rodef Shalom, But according to
him he didn’t do anything wrong, and she’s quite aware of his attempts at appeasing her. So I say enough chasing!
Let the chasee (not a word) become the chaser.October 10, 2011 10:19 pm at 10:19 pm #816157
no i wont try that seems childishOctober 10, 2011 10:22 pm at 10:22 pm #816158
I figured as much, then at least tone down on the attempts at having contact with her. Don’t try too hard! and show it, That might get you similar results.
Wow… I could of saved two long posts with this short comment.
That just goes to show you Siyag Lachomoh Shtika.
Or measured words at least.October 10, 2011 10:24 pm at 10:24 pm #816159
bein: can ya answer my question as to what is accomplished or changes by goq trying that experiment, even if he finds that to be the case?October 10, 2011 10:27 pm at 10:27 pm #816160
amused; I did answer your question,
If she likes him, something to work with, (worth working for)
If not, closure.
Sometimes you have to let things rest a little. Give it time.
Then try again. There is a saying in hebrew,
What intellect does not do, time does.October 10, 2011 10:47 pm at 10:47 pm #816161
bein: when you say “work with”, you mean exploring if a shidduch is shayach between the two of them?October 10, 2011 11:17 pm at 11:17 pm #816162gefenParticipant
bein – i’ve gotta say – i do agree with your suggestion.
goq – i don’t think it’s a childish idea. i think ur trying too hard to get her attention and get on her good side. to me, that seems more childish. it’s time to stop and just enjoy everyone else around you. ignore her like she ignores you – plain and simple.October 10, 2011 11:31 pm at 11:31 pm #816163mustangriderMember
i must say that i too agree with bein.
Btw have you ever considered that she might be fealing a little insecure? is it possible that she actually wants your attention but is scared to show it in case she comes across as a silly girl with a crush?(it doesn’t necessarily mean that she has a crush – could be she admires you/looks up to you but is afraid of looking as though she has a crush) So she thinks that perhaps the perfect way to make sure you notice her without noticing that she admires you is by completely ignoring you.October 10, 2011 11:34 pm at 11:34 pm #816164
when did i ever say i groveled in front of her?
ive been civil.October 10, 2011 11:41 pm at 11:41 pm #816165
mods you have my permission to close this thread please do so ty
- The topic ‘Dear Niece Revisited’ is closed to new replies.