Dear Niece

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  • #596485

    TheGoq
    Participant

    Dear Niece,

    Over these past few years i sense a distance between us i don’t know how it began but it is very clear that you don’t seem to approve of me, maybe its because of my advanced age and also my single status that you find troubling, maybe you view me as being nerdy and not with it, during this past Yom Tov you tried to avoid contact with me for example when u gave out the soup u gave it directly to every person but for me you just put it down at the end of the table and asked for someone to pass it to me, when u would pass me in the hall u would sidestep and wait for me to pass not out of tznius but out of not wanting to be near me.

    During the course of Yom Tov you did not initiate any conversation with me not one syllable when i would say something to you your answers were short and perfunctory and its not because u are shy u are very talkative with every member of the family but me, once when i left the table for a period you took the chair next to mine to talk to someone but when i would return u would immediately get up not wanting to be anywhere near me , all my other nieces and nephews are kind and respectful towards me.

    I guess i wont really understand why you disapprove of me so, but i feel like you are ashamed of me and that saddens me, you are now in the parsha of shidduchim and in that i wish you every mazel and when the time for your wedding comes i will be careful to only dance on the periphery so u wont have to see me on your wedding video , being disliked is not something new to me I’m very familiar with that role, the only thing i will tell you is that in life we come in contact with all kinds of people and if you view yourself as being superior or them being inferior that is your right but you should still try and treat these people who are in your life with some civility and common decency i wish you well in all aspects of life.

    for better or worse

    Your Uncle

    #764096

    eclipse
    Member

    Well-written.

    Rejecion from family,and especially those much younger,is not pleasant at all.

    Worst is when you never did anything negative to the person,and may have even helped them in the past!

    #764097

    RABBAIM
    Participant

    Why are you posting this instead of writing it by hand and sending it to her? Wouldn’t it show a more personalized interest in resolving whatever may be the issue?? Why a public forum?

    #764098

    yogibooboo
    Member

    one word: WOW!

    Goq-im so sorry you are going thru this. It’s so hard when there is a dispute or an ignoring situation going on. Maybe you should talk to your sibling of whom this daughter belongs to and see what is going on with her. It seems maybe you need to be direct with her and just let it out! Write her this letter for real and let her see what she is doing to you. Sometimes a letter hits harder than an actual conversation! i wish you much hatzlacha!

    #764099

    🙁 I’m not your niece, but I’m really sorry for what you’re going through. That must really hurt.

    #764100

    TheGoq
    Participant

    ty all for your kind responses, rabbaim i just didnt know how to approach the problem i thought maybe the cr could give me some advice i cant force her to like me.

    #764101

    observanteen
    Member

    Goq, perhaps she doesn’t have anything against you personally. Maybe she’s trying to keep a distance for tznius reasons.

    I’m truly sorry you’re going through this. I’m sure it’s terribly painful. Your letter is beautifully written, and very moving. I think you can send it to her. I hope she’ll explain her behavior.

    May you and your niece find your bashert soon. Hatzlacha Rabba.

    #764102

    The Goq-

    What a sad post.

    Although she’s your niece and not your daughter, it brings to mind the quote “How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child”.

    Teens and young adults sometimes distance themselves from parents or other older relatives / acquaintances for reasons only they know, and in later years are sorry they did.

    I think one of the most common feelings parents of teens have is regret about the way they behaved toward their parents and other relatives when they were teenagers themselves.

    IY”H this will only be temporary, and she will be happy to have her uncle dance in the middle at her chasuna.

    #764103

    simcha man
    Member

    I don’t know how old your niece is, but you never know what is going through her mind. This may just be her reaction to her fear that this may happen to her as well. A well liked uncle is struggling so; as far as she can see he’s “normal” yet he still can’t seem to find a wife. If you’re having such a rough time, who’s to say that her “parsha” will be any smoother. It’s quite frightening for a teenager to observe an adult going through trying times and imagine that when he/she reaches that stage it will be any different.

    #764104

    amichai
    Participant

    did she ever have a friendly nieceuncle relationship with you b4.

    #764105

    Ofcourse
    Member

    Would you feel terribly uncomfortable asking the blood relative parent of hers what they think is bothering her, mentioning that you always enjoyed a good relationship with her?

    #764106

    oomis
    Participant

    First let me say I am sorry you are feeling this pain. Is it possible you have ever done something that may have been misinterpreted by your niece,and put her “off” you? Depending on her age it might be a misguided tznius issue (no niece should be dropping her uncle’s soup on the end of the table when she served it respectfully to everyone else), or she may simply be an ill-mannered brat. If I am off base on all counts, then you should take the post you wrote here and send it to her directly, where it will do the most good. She may actually be unaware of what she is doing (though I doubt that). It might be she is uncomfortable with an unmarried male adult, relative or not.

    #764107

    hanib
    Participant

    i agree with observanteen. tznius issues get very complicated, and she may think or have been told to handle it this way. actually, i think the gemara says that it’s actually good to marry one’s niece. the whole situation may be confusing for her.

    sorry that it’s so hurtful to you. 🙁

    #764108

    apushatayid
    Participant

    I’ll bite.

    How does “niece” interact with other uncles of similar status? Other male relatives of a similar age (cousins?) and status and other males in general (of this age)? It might answer why she acts this way around you (not necessarily towards you).

    #764109

    gefen
    Participant

    How sad! Why don’t you print out this whole thread – with all the responses and send it to her?

    Do you know if she goes on the CR at all? Although they say ppl never recognize themselves when something is written about them. But you never know.

    Anyway, hatzlacha rabba to you in resolving this!

    #764110

    TheGoq
    Participant

    apy- she is very talkative with other male relatives her brother in law for instance or my sisters husband

    oomis- no i have never done anything to make her dislike me so i have been kind to her given her birthday presents and the like and always have treated her well

    Amichai- this has been going on for about 6 years now

    observanteen- she doesnt mind sitting next to a male relative who is not her brother but will never sit next to me

    #764111

    HaKatan
    Participant

    Goq, I am saddened to hear your pain, but I would hope that, in fact, you are misinterpreting her gestures and she has nothing against you.

    I wouldn’t be surprised if she just heard that gemara about Uncles marrying Nieces and that kind of threw her and she was shy and confused because of that…also, young people do some strange things, both of which others have noted.

    I’d be surprised if she actually intended to make you feel bad, though I obviously don’t know the people personally. I hope you can keep a good relationship in the future, BE”H, once this phase has passed.

    Many simchas for all of you!

    #764113

    TheGoq
    Participant

    hakatan i would have hoped i was wrong too but it seems abundantly clear she doesnt try to mask her displeasure.

    #764114

    MDG
    Participant

    Goq,

    Have you asked your niece’s parent – your sibling – about this.

    #764115

    adorable
    Participant

    I thought you were my uncle and started shaking when I read this letter but then I realized that you said you were single and my uncle was married. Suffice it to say you could have been my uncle and I could have been the niece. I would feel hurt for him if he told me this but I know that I stay away from him because he sends me “silent” messages that make me nervous. Make sure that you are not sending her any messages that she can misinterpret.

    #764116

    TheGoq
    Participant

    mdg-no i have no talked to her parents

    adorable no i have not sent any signals, to my knowledge i havent done anything to warrant her behavior

    #764117

    TheGoq
    Participant

    adorable what issue do u have with your uncle?

    #764118

    adorable
    Participant

    its hard to explain but lets just say that he likes me a lot and shows me that which is fine but sometimes i get uncomf.

    #764119

    apushatayid
    Participant

    Why speculate. If it bothers you and you want it resolved, enlist a family member to approach her and ask if you are on her blacklist and why and what you could do to fix the situation.

    #764120

    aries2756
    Participant

    The Goq, I would suggest that you speak to her directly because that is the only way you can resolve this. You might just start the conversation with “Is there something I need to ask mechila for” which might be easier than first going into a whole monologue about avoiding you and such. Ask her straight out if there is something you need to apologize for, and wait for her response. Then take it from there. if she says “no” then ask her why she avoids you like the plague and why she treats you differently than everyone else. You can ask he what her problem is with you. Tell her that you seriously want to know because you don’t want it to continue.

    #764121

    amichai
    Participant

    Goq, you will probably not agree , but I’m wondering if she really likes you and has feelings for you. she might not be able to tell you how she feels but she is showing strange behaviors. I hope something will work out in the end. If you are sure you havent done a thing to deserve this, I think you can tell her straight out how her behavior is baffling.

    #764122

    oomis
    Participant

    Goq, sometimes people give off a negative vibe to each other that causes the other person to retreat. I agree with other posters who said to speak to your niece directly. Make sure you say nothing that might come off even innocently as flirtatious (I get what adorable was implying). But don’t let this fester. Good luck. She may need to ask YOUR mechilah, not vice versa.

    #764123

    TheGoq
    Participant

    thanks all for the advice i will consider talking to her

    #764124

    adorable
    Participant

    oomis- thank you for elaborating. I think you should call her or write to her (writing is good because she can reread the letter and you get to make sure you wrote what you wanted to and not let something slip out….on the other hand if you call her she cannot show it to anyone else and repeat your whole conversation word for word…) either way I think you should talk to her directly and not get her parents or any other family member involved

    #764125

    TheGoq
    Participant

    adorable is the letter above good to go? what should i change before sending to her?

    #764126

    adorable
    Participant

    i would start with a compliment first but make sure its nothing too personal or flirty…I would also end in some better way… maybe say something like that you dont need her to love you or be “nice” to you, but you just want to make sure there is nothing u did to turn her this way and u dont want any hard feelings between you and her…. Dont use my wording but something like that. does that make sense? I wish my uncle was smart enough to know that he did something to cause the hard feelings that i have to him…. unfortunately I sometimes get caught in his “garbage” and fall for all the “I love you” stuff that he throws my way…

    #764127

    Clairvoyant
    Member

    adorable: When and how do you fall for your Uncle when he tells you that?

    #764128

    adorable
    Participant

    clairvoyant- what are you trying to figure out? are you my uncle?!

    #764129

    Clairvoyant
    Member

    No, my oldest niece is under 10. I just want to understand what you were saying.

    #764130

    adorable
    Participant

    reread my posts and the posts that oomis wrote after…. and use your noodles…. dont think i can be very specific….wont get thru

    #764131

    adorable
    Participant

    what happened? did you send the letter? did she respond?

    #764132

    TheGoq
    Participant

    no i havent sent it yet still working up the courage i know this letter will change our relationship i just hope its for the better

    #764133

    adorable
    Participant

    I know what you mean…. you dont want it to be awkward forever

    good luck in whatever you decide…

    #764134

    s2021
    Member

    Just a lil unsolicited advice- u dont wanna write anything TOO personal or too intense bec she might get freaked out. Shes probably not looking to start a heavy relationship and that might make things awkward for a long time after.. Try not to make it into too big a deal, and give her room to figure out how she wants to respond..

    #764135

    adorable
    Participant

    i also think that if you get too personal or too touchy like writing things like you know that I love you…. or anything like that she might take it as you are trying to flirt with her and she is not interested in that…. be careful not to be too pushy but be warm and nice

    #764136

    TheGoq
    Participant

    ok thanks for the tips ill probably wimp out and do nothing well see

    #764137

    adorable
    Participant

    just do it! not that anything will happen if you decide not to send it but why not? as long as its nice and not battering her and telling her how bad she is then send it!

    #764138

    s2021
    Member

    Just send her a text! easy shmeezy!

    #764139

    Sacrilege
    Member

    Goq,

    I didnt read everyones advice, I just read your OP and your final post. I dont think its “wimping out’ I think thats the smartest decision.

    Should you confront your niece (even in a nice way) she will probably go and tell her parents. What to parents do when they feel their children are under attack? They protect them, even if they are wrong. So, unless you have the wherewithal to deal with a likely family feud I say leave it be.

    You sound like a man who has overcome much adversity in your life, and we all admire you. Hopefully one day your niece will too.

    #764140

    TheGoq
    Participant

    ty sacrilege thats a very good point i dont need any more grief between my brother and me hopefully she will mature and our relationship will get better, ty for the kind words.

    #764141

    adorable
    Participant

    so you are not sending it to her?

    #764142

    TheGoq
    Participant

    i think sacrilege has a valid point it may disrupt the so called family harmony im hoping she grows out of it but for now i think ill be passive

    #764143

    shlishi
    Member

    Goq, what kind of grief has your brother given you (other than what you mentioned about his daughter)?

    #764144

    LemonySnicket
    Participant

    That’s a great and powerful letter but I second Sac’s advice. It could turn an already awkward situation into a disastrous one. She might get creeped out and avoid you altogether. I’d leave the situation the way it is. You still have your other nieces and nephews who treat you with respect 🙂

    #764145

    TheGoq
    Participant

    Shlishi thats a complicated answer im the youngest of my brothers and the elter brothers still treat me like a 5 year old any decisions about our ailing mother or any other major issue has no input from me the big boys take charge and if im lucky they will inform me of their decision after theyve made it. there is an almost conspiritorial aspect to our relationship, when we are all together they huddle together and exclude me altogether, there is more i could tell you but that is the essence of the problem.

    thanks lemony appreciate your input

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