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I feel like im going to throw up, very depressed. I have social anxiety. im starting my CBT in 2 weeks iyh. My grade is having a shabbos. and i get anxious in school, how much more so im anxious now! does anybody have any advice for me on how to get thru this shabbos not looking/acting like an idiot/outcast/social weirdo? pleeaasse
Sometimes it helps to become an “actor or actress.” That is to say, tell yourself you are NOT and idiot, weirdo, outcast,but rather are a confident, intelligent, charming person, and then act that part. Very often, by mentally telling yourself you are something other than how you perceive yourself, you can actually come to be the things you are trying to be. Please note: this is not the same as telling you to be someone you aren’t, but rather to call upon those resources that are there INSIDE you, to actually help you to be what you truly are, but have been afraid to show yourself.
Wow, that sounds really hard. I don’t really have any advice.
I’m glad you are going for therapy. Don’t worry- most of your friends are also in therapy, they just don’t tell you.
And the ones who aren’t- should be.
Good luck.
Gosh… High school is so hard. I can hardly believe anyone survives it!!!
I really feel for you. I never fit in much either. I had a group of friends that I stuck with, who got me through some hard times, but we were never close or anything. I was very cinical in hs about people in general… still am but it’s something that I’ve worked on so it’s a lot better b”H.
One thing you’ve got to realize when dealing with people is that in most cases, no matter how confident someone acts, chances are they’re just as insecure as you are. Nowadays, one of the biggest issues girls your age (and maybe just people in general… probably) have, I think, is low self esteem.
Still, often despite how low an opinion of oneself one has, he/she is actually a very good person. Sometimes it’s really hard to see… but you just have to look for it.
Maybe this shabbaton, try to focus less on yourself and what you feel you need and focus more on other people. Try and see the good in other people, especially the girls you find intimidating or just don’t like.
Get yourself something nice to wear, do your hair, be a little girly if that’s your thing, and try to just have fun. And in the case where you’re really not in the mood for people, make sure to bring a good book.
At the end of the day, your experience is what you make of it!! It’s all about your mindset. You can do this!!
And never forget, even at a time when you’re insecure and you feel all alone… (this is going to sound cheesey, but since I really feel it, I’m going to say it anyway…) just try and remember that G-d loves you and He will get you through this. It’s so hard to feel… but it’s so true…
Hatzlacha! Hope it goes well!!!
This may shock you, but not everyone loves school Shabbosos. Divide it into parts mentally so the whole thing is easier to “digest”. If you get stressed out, and doing your own thing (reading, sleeping) isn’t an option, think of a funny story or picture yourself at home relaxing. Unless you have reason to think your friends will understand, it’s probably better to avoid the whole topic.
Hang in there, you’ll make it out ok. 🙂
And the ones who aren’t- should be.
Which category do you fall into?
social anxiety is a very common problem nowadays in varying degrees. just remember that people are kinder than we think most people probably would try to help you not make fun of you. there is nothing to be afraid of. good luck
Toomuch00
Well what I would tell you to try is to “mirror” the socially comfortable girls. See how the comfortable girls behave and how they interact and try to be like them almost like a copy cat.
You should know, many of the things we are afraid of is only scary because we have very powerful imaginations that blow things out of proportion. Often times we scare ourselves into thinking something bad or painful will happen in a situation and what actally happens is very rarely what we pictured in our minds. Even on the rare occasion that the scary thing we imagined does happen it is never or almost never as bad as we imagined it would be. We don’t “die” we end up being fine very shortly after it. Anxiety is built up on fantasy.
The only way to get past fears is to force yourself past them. You need to confront them and prove to yourself that you are capable of dealing with whatever you fear that you can’t.
Think about the cost of not facing your fear. You have to force yourself to be around people yo learn how to be more comfortable socially. Its something that can be learned and you are probably suffering because you may not have enough experience or because something once happened where you looked bad socially and you were embarrassed that may have driven you to avoid people.
toomuch00,wishing you all the best. your problem is not small compared to others. there are certain classes given in ny. for social skills etc.the main point here is to accept yourself as you are. you can learn certain pointers, but we have to accept ourselves.
I dont know you or your situation. However I would recomend that you read and research until you are fully aware of your issue(s).
The easiest way to work on yourself is by first knowing what is going on. and by knowing I mean really knowing.
There are a lot of books out there. I would recomend “Awareness” by M Adarhan.
There might be better ones out there, however I had sucess with this one.
I’d just like to make one point.
The fact that you are depressed is not another problem you have. You are depressed because you are in a hard situation. Anyone would be depressed if they had your situation. So don’t worry about the depression- just figure out the source of the social anxiety and solve that.
mexipal – I wish what you said were true – that people are kinder than we think. Too often, it is exactly the opposite! Especially in school, but even later on. Kids and adults can be quite mean. It’s just that adults will do it in a different way, they won’t act out as kids do.
ToomuchOO – I’m not saying that is the general rule. I’m not trying to scare you or make you more nervous. Surely there are some girls you can count on to help you out. Is there a teacher you can speak with – preferably one who will be at the Shabbaton with you? Hatzlacha Rabba – have a great time!
I am a highschool kid also and have faced depression (different reasons) what works for me is just talking to Hashem and asking to help me get through it. Also you should just act as yourself you shouldnt care what the other people think of you. For all you know they will like you no matter what. It would be a big mistake to ditch the shabbos, cause you will just regret what could have been. You cant go through life without getting hurt. You should just know that you are a child of Hashem and that you will always have Someone to turn to.
Also, do i tell my friends “‘
So you HAVE friends! You are already ahead of the game. Many kids who feel socially awkward, don’t really have any friends (all you need is one or two really good ones). High school is a difficult time for so many kids. You perceive your class as being the most confident. i am willing to bet there are a lot more kids who feel similarly to your own feelings, than you would believe. You are not the first, nor the last teen to have these self-doubts. I
wish I had a magic pill for you, but I don’t. If you can find someone sensitive and non-judgmental (like a school counselor, or a trusted teacher) try talking to them. What about your parents?
toomuch00…I’ve written about this in another thread…alot of people may tell you that what your are going through is because you might be shy, not self confident..etc..What you are expressing “anxious, looking or acting like an idiot..what others may think, how they judge you” this may point to something called “social anxiety”. Like someone commented here, a good portion of people unknowingly suffer from this and think it’s something you will just outgrow through your teenage years. My niece had a simialr situation like you and she ended up going to therapy..behavioral cognitive therapy…which changed her world. She had to work hard at it, but Boruch Hashem she is in her 20s and is thriving and productive. Last weeks Mishpacha had an article about social anxiety (it should’ve been more thorough in information). I’m not doing a diagnosis here…just letting you know that if all this “anxiety” is taking over your life, you might want to look into therapy. Hatzlocha!
I don’t get it. Just be yourself. It doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks of you. I suggest you stop looking for everyone else’s approval and start having some fun.
HI toomuch.
Most people have some degree of social anxiety. It keeps them from being the obnoxious ones in the group.
But why should you have to wrestle with this problem to such a degree? I think you should speak to a professional about this. While it is normal to be a teenager who has social anxiety to some degree, it should not prohibit you from participating in things.
Also, I want to comment, that you must be very intelligent. Dense people dont get social anxiety. I hope you can learn to channel your great insights and awareness away from if you are seen as “good enough”, to just going to have the fun you have a right to have.
Please try to nip this while you are still young. You have a life to live and fun experiences to have!
: D
Hatzlacha!
toomuch00….sorry, you’re right I totally missed the part about you mentioning you had it and were going to therapy.
Hatzlocha! and Brochos for all good things in your life.
toomuch- First of all, congrats on the therapy, it’s a big, hard step to take. About your Shabbaton, I would tell you to not overthink it. Stick with your friends and just relax. It might feel like everyone stares at what you are wearing or doing, but no one really cares. If they do, they’re not worth impressing. Just be yourself, stick with your friends and try to forget about the other over-confident people.
I was also depressed in high school but I didn’t have the courage to tell anyone, let alone go to therapy. I finally told one friend and it seriously changed my life. Definitely tell your friend(s). You need a support system in high school. You’re lucky you have friends, tell them.
Let us know how it went.
High school is really hard for a lot a lot of girls seriously.
I just wanna tell you that however hard it is, its gonna be over one day faster than you think, and then after that youre free. I mean it, and youll take your high school experience and become a much more sensitive and balanced person.
Good luck with it all i know how tough it is!
toomuch00, I agree with OOMIS.
First of all, the fact that you have friends is a big deal. For someone with social anxiety that is a huge step in the right direction so let your friends be a support system for you. Yes tell them what you are feeling and don’t be at all surprised if they are also feeling anxious about the Shabbaton.
Do you know what exactly you are feeling anxious about? Are you going to be spending Shabbos out of the area? In a hotel? In other people’s homes? Is it only about getting together for meals?
There are a lot of variables about such a event and there are a lot of reasons for feeling anxious. I am going to let you in on a little secret. When adults get invited for weekends simchas, we also feel anxious. Where are they going to put us up? What are our accommodations going to be like? Will we have a private bathroom? How far will we have to walk? Who else will be there? Who will they sit us with? What will everyone else be wearing? What should I bring? What if it rains? What if it is too hot? What if there is no air conditioning? What if the sky falls in……..
Doesn’t it sound silly? But we stress ourselves out about it also. So please tell your friends what you are going through and support each other through this. Make a plan such as you will pick each other up on the way Friday night so you know you will be together and the same Shabbos morning. Sit together in Shul, sit together at the meals or the lectures so you know you have someone to talk to and you won’t feel awkward. They will have your back and you will have theirs.
Hatzlocha, and don’t forget to breathe 🙂
toomuch00
Take it from someone whos been there, and who is involved with teens daily:
Contrary what many people want to believe, high school is NOT the best time of your life. IT ONLY GETS BETTER.
Keep your chin up
toomuch00
You are getting lots of advice here but not all of it is good. I would like to tell you that it is probably in your best interests to stop reading this thread. You got all of the advice you can get without a therapist. I would like to add that someone here recommended you tell your friends about your social anxiety. I would tell you that until you speak to a therapist and until they recommend that you do that, you tell NOBODY about your social anxiety issue. Once you open your mouth about it to the wrong friend you cant take it back and you dont know how the friend will take the news and how it will effect your relationship with her, or if she will truly keep it to herself and not tell others.
I will repeat. Do not tell anyone but your therapist and if he/she says you can tell others then do so based on his/her advice.
aries2756
You totally misunderstood the OP. She doesnt have normal anxiety that most of us have. She is suffering from social anxiety and is about to see a CBT (cognitive behavioral therapist) based on that your advice was way off base and I hope she didnt tell anyone based on your advice.
Mods
Please close this thread. The advice is not getting any better and in fact can be detrimental. We are dealing with a teen here!
WIY, please read what I wrote and not what you think I wrote. I wrote “please tell your friends what you are feeling” I didn’t advise that she tell her friends about her history nor about her particular condition. I actually was trying to relate to the OP that anxiety about such a social situation as a shabbaton is actually within normal range for anyone, even adults and that there is nothing wrong discussing how she feels about it with her friends so that they can all support each other and make up how they will stick together.
Obviously you are not female and obviously you don’t understand this type of situation because you don’t understand that type of competition or lack of confidence among High School girls. But as much as they can be uncaring, they can be just as caring and supportive. So depending on the circumstances of this shabbaton, others might feel just as anxious or understand the type of anxiety that another girl might feel. Obviously if everyone is in their own home and they are only eating meals together and spending time together over shabbos it will cause less anxiety than if they are going out of the area and being put up for shabbos. Once someone is out of their comfort zone they have more to worry about. But then so does everyone else even if they are not normally prone to worry and anxiety.
Girls especially are different than boys. Where boys will be put up in someone else’s home and have no problem snooping through someone else’s kitchen till they find what they need, a girl will do without rather than intrude or impose, even when it is absolutely normal and not an imposition whats-so-ever to ask for a cup or go into the fridge for some water or juice. It is expected. Where a boy won’t have a problem asking for an extra pillow or towel, or even go into the closet and take one on their own, a girl might have trouble sleeping all night because they will be too shy to “impose” and request anything other than what was supplied for them. Of course this is silly because anyone that offered to put people up are more than happy to accomodate their needs.
Women in general are givers and would much rather be on the giving end than the receiving end, but when you feel socially awkward it is hard either way, but I am sure the OP would have no problem asking her friends or family if she can get them a drink or a blanket or whatever.
As far as the OP is concerned, she might have anxiety that is a little more exaggerated but there are many girls this week in her grade that are feeling anxious or excited or both about the shabbaton.
As far as YOU are concerned please be careful how you read other peoples’ posts before you react and jump into action. Make sure you understand what you read and are not reading what you think you understand.
Aries
Don’t lecture me. This girl says she is nauseous and depressed and is going to see a CBT. Her anxiety is obviously extremely pronounced. Your advice is for a girl with average to slightly extra anxiety. I really don’t know how you missed the boat so badly on this one considering that you are a counselor of some sort. Have you ever spoken at length to people with serious anxiety problems? I have.
Aries: – “Women in general are givers ..”
Highly doubt that. In Chazal they’re known as ‘mekabel’, it’s the man who is ‘mashpia’. (Isn’t it the man who’s supposed to open the door for a lady, shlep her bags, guve up his seat, take out her garbage, operate the restroom seat, shower her with an abundance of attention, endless patience, put up with and try to comprehend any kind of mood she’s currently in?)
Women are actually converters. As Chazal point out. A man brings home wheat. Will he chew it? No, it’s the women who will have it grinded, mixed, kneaded etc. Same with any and all other issues. The man provides the ‘dough’, the woman turns it into something edible, usable. This is what is meant by ‘ezer kenegdo’.
Actually WIY, I have. And actually WIY the ideal thing to do is to help them minimize their anxiety and point out that in many cases that what they are feeling is normal, and that others can and do feel the same. What you are doing is blowing it out of proportion and assuming that she can’t handle it when it fact with the proper support it is very possible she can. So please don’t lecture me or give advice that is inappropriate or that you have no backup or professional experience to give.
It is totally appropriate to help anyone with anxiety to relate to what it is they are anxious about and to try to break that down into manageable pieces. That is NOT missing the boat. Maybe you are making more of this than the OP is and you are imposing your friends issues onto this one. The OP came here for advice and I and others are offering different options for her to assess and choose from. These are choices that she can choose to make or not. It is NOT up to YOU to decide for her if they are worth her while to try or whether or not this is something she can accomplish on her own. She has already accomplished quite a bit by having friends to begin with. Your perspective on the subject is quite different than the other posters so it is you that has to take a step back and re-evaluate where you are coming from and why you are having such a strong reaction here.
The key is to have the right support to get one through any difficult situation. With social anxiety having one or two friends to surround yourself with creates a safe haven to allow one to function in a group whether one chooses to go further outside that group or just remain within that parameter. Knowing that you have those friends by your side allows you the comfort to know you have who to talk to, who to rely on to keep a conversation going if approached by others, etc. That allows you to step out into the world and not be a hermit in your own home. So telling your friends that you are a bit anxious about the event and working on a buddy system is a safe way to go. We adults do it all the time “can you pick me up on your way to shul?” or “stop by my house on the way to the kiddush and we can go together”. We all have a sense of anxiety or even shyness at times and we use this technique to help ourselves out of awkward social situations.
I don’t know why you are jumping out of your skin and making a huge bid deal out of this WIY. These are normal and effective techniques that anyone can learn and apply. The OP will learn these tips and can choose to try them out now if she wants to or if she feels comfortable doing it. These are only suggestions to help her out and she will know if she can apply them to her situation or not. Only she can judge if they are shayach NOT you and not I. I can only offer them.
One more thing that I am going to say. When you or anyone takes an attitude such as you did with me it only serves to push people away from the CR. I have to say that I am sick and tired of it. No matter how you feel and no matter how important it is what you wish to relate, it is important to say it in a kovadik manner. Whether you like the poster or what they say is irrelevant to the derech eretz and kovod we each have to show to one and other here. There are way too many wonderful posters who have already left and believe me I have already taken too many punches and am quite fed up already. I too have learned to take it easy here and not react too quickly and I too have learned to filter and not get involved in threads that I have no or little experience in. I try to keep my emotions out of it and keep relating to the poster in the way they need to be related to in order to bring about an agreeable outcome even if we choose to agree to disagree in the end.
We here are mixed company and mixed generations. We each have different life experience and different levels of knowledge and education. We all have something to contribute in various capacities. No one should be treated disrespectfully and no one should be made like they don’t belong here. If you don’t like what someone posted you have the option to disagree, but you don’t have the right to be rude. You NEVER have the right to be rude, and it is rudeness that has chased away so many wonderful people who have given of themselves in so many ways.
If you noticed I was not one of the first posters here and there was a reason for it. I have been holding back lately. I really didn’t want to post on this thread and waited for others to post first. I did eventually want to give this girl some chizuk and then you came along with your sucker punch. So I say this to you. I disagree with you. I do have more experience than you, and I stand by my suggestions to her. She can apply them or not it is her choice not yours. As far as posting or offering further assistance here on the CR, it is young people like yourself who think they always know better that chase people like myself away out of sheer frustration and yes, even pain, who came here with their own knowledge and experience to help others here asking and searching for answers.
Eizena Kup, the book that is most recommended for chassanim is “The River, the Kettle and the Bird”. I suggest you read it.
Aries: What makes you think I’m a Chassan? (boys shouldn’t be looking..)
It’s just your overzealous defending and protecting womankind from an imaginary foe – an alien, untamed, unrefined ‘briah’ known as man, that gets to me. Sometimes.
It’s the man’s fault: He should read up.. He should refine himself. He shouldn’t be acting as a boorish pig.. He’s obviously not a female.. Are you The Great Female Defender?
HaShem made both versions. Each with their own set of maalos and otherwise. No need to bash one, or compare one to the other.
No. Don’t get me wrong. I truly enjoy your great sagacious advice and encouragement (free of charge). PLEASE KEEP IT UP!!! It’s just your constant slighting of one version of mankind, sticking in some remark towards that effect, that rubs me the wrong way. I know a lot of males, fine and upstanding ones, who somehow don’t feel the need to constantly belittle females.
Eizena Kup, why did you choose that screen name? It speaks volumes.
I don’t think you are a chossan, I didn’t say or presume you are a chassan, that is your presumption and your own conclusion. You are the one that is quick to jump to conclusions. You are the one who presumes to know what I am thinking and is reading into my meanings. I simply said this is highly recommended book for Chassanim. There is a very good reason why Rabbonim recommend this book and that is to teach them the difference between men and women and the nature of both. I advised you to read it for the same reason.
I am NOT overzealous in defending womankind for any foe. That is your interpretation and what you choose to read into my posts. Yes men and women are different and they see things from a different sense of understanding, from a different perspective and from a different reference point. I was not bashing anyone I was explaining, on the other hand I was the one to get bashed for giving very sound advice which WIY did not agree with, not based on education or knowledge but based on what he felt was enough experience with his own friend.
I have a very high regard for upstanding men who are respectful of all others, many of which are regular posters here. However, I have lost respect for those who are disrespectful and continue to be without apology. I do my best not to belittle anyone and as a matter of fact and practice I stick up for those that others pick on. I have come to understandings with many that were generally on opposite sides of the fence and have learned to agree to disagree and learned that we don’t have to always be on the same page or even ever be on the same page but we still have to be respectful to one and other. So I don’t understand what you are talking about when you say that I am bashing anyone. As far as my “sagacious” advice is concerned. Maybe I will just keep it to myself for a while and just share it with those clients that seek me out. As was noted on another thread “free advice is worth what you pay for it”.
Eizena Kup, why did you choose that screen name? It speaks volumes.
I don’t think you are a chossan, I didn’t say or presume you are a chassan, that is your presumption and your own conclusion. You are the one that is quick to jump to conclusions. You are the one who presumes to know what I am thinking and is reading into my meanings. I simply said this is highly recommended book for Chassanim. There is a very good reason why Rabbonim recommend this book and that is to teach them the difference between men and women and the nature of both. I advised you to read it for the same reason.
I am NOT overzealous in defending womankind for any foe. That is your interpretation and what you choose to read into my posts. Yes men and women are different and they see things from a different sense of understanding, from a different perspective and from a different reference point. I was not bashing anyone I was explaining, on the other hand I was the one to get bashed for giving very sound advice which WIY did not agree with, not based on education or knowledge but based on what he felt was enough experience with his own friend.
I have a very high regard for upstanding men who are respectful of all others, many of which are regular posters here. However, I have lost respect for those who are disrespectful and continue to be without apology. I do my best not to belittle anyone and as a matter of fact and practice I stick up for those that others pick on. I have come to understandings with many that were generally on opposite sides of the fence and have learned to agree to disagree and learned that we don’t have to always be on the same page or even ever be on the same page but we still have to be respectful to one and other. So I don’t understand what you are talking about when you say that I am bashing anyone. As far as my “sagacious” advice is concerned. Maybe I will just keep it to myself for a while and just share it with those clients that seek me out. As was noted on another thread “free advice is worth what you pay for it”.
Dear toomuch00,
I can’t say i have alot of advice for you but i would like to commend you for your maturity in dealing with the situation. I personally am recovering from anxiety issues. Unfortunately, it took me a long time to face reality with my anxiety and to get therapy. It is a big Chizuk to see someone with enough strength to seek therapy. I can strongly identify with your “brutal” feelings and yet i went for a long time without speaking to someone. Kudos to you! I also went to a CBT and it was extremely helpful. It seems to me that a basic therapy in anxiety is to accept it as a part of life and keep on going. Everyone gets anxious but some of us are very concious of it and it bothers us and makes us feel awkward. But the truth is everyone gets anxious and it is a normal part of healthy living. So it would seem that definitely go on the Shabbaton and take the risk of getting anxious – remember it’s normal. In regard to mentioning to friends, some times you can sniff out a person who understands people well. To such a person you may feel comfortable saying that some times you get nervous and it makes you feel awkward. Who knows? maybe they are also anxious! But really, parents that care for you would probably know best. Hatzlacha!
Hi toomuch00! i also went through a similair situation in high school and it really is very painful and torturous to go through! some things that helped me include repeatedly telling myself that everyone makes mistakes and just because i made a mistake doesnt make me any different! everyone forgets the answer to a question in class and everyone makes a slip of the tongue. no one is perfect.
there was one person in particular that id get intimidated from so id try and break down the barriers by making sure to notice when she didnt do something perfect. not to put her down, of course, but to show that no ones perfect. even if i did say the wrong thing, chances the next second people wont even remember what you said.
another thing was pushing myself to go past my comfort zone. meaning, dont just hang around with the girls you always spend time with, give a “hi how are you” to someone you usually dont. dont avoid get togethers because you dont feel comfortable, do the opposite- go and try to participate in some way. start with something tiny and work your way up.
recently i heard a shiur from rabbi brezak about chinuch, but i think it can apply here too. in seaworld, theres a whale named shamu that can jump 22 ft into the air. how did the train a whale to do such a feat? they set him up so that the whale cant fail. the whale had to jump over the rope? so they started by putting the rope underneath the whale and rewarded him when he went over. slowly slowly they raised the rope and the whale jumped up higher with it. set yourself up to succeed! dont aim to be the head of G.O.! just give a hello to someone new. and work ur way up.
lastly, write a list abt all the positive things u can think abt urself. and refer to it. remember U R NO DIFFERENT THAN ANYONE ELSE! even if u feel different, its just you feeling it, but its not true! you are just as special as everyone else with your own special attributes and talents.
keep repeating these things to urself and keep a record of when u do succeed and give urself a pat on the back!
sorry abt the longwinded post, but i had a lot to say. hatzlacha and keep us posted!
just one thought to repeat hr120. If u do decided to tell ur friends, id suggest just telling one. At least for now. Someone who you think is sensitive and would understand. Who knows? Maybe that will open up the friendship betwen you two and it’ll blossom. Hatzlocha!
*bump*
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