July 2, 2012 11:28 pm at 11:28 pm #603969
I was just wondering if anyone had experience dating after a divorce.
Probably only those who have been through it can really understand how daunting it must be. How do you know when you’re ready?July 3, 2012 12:59 am at 12:59 am #882925shmoelMember
Just jump in. No point in delaying the inevitable.July 3, 2012 1:24 am at 1:24 am #882926
makes sense 🙂July 3, 2012 2:51 am at 2:51 am #882927ckbshlMember
That sounds reckless and lacking in the responsibility demanded from dating. Seek a mentor or professional’s advice, & share your feelings with them to properly assess whether it will be healthy & productive to approach a new relationship. To flippantly date without the realistic hope of developing a lasting relationship is irresponsible and selfish.July 3, 2012 2:58 am at 2:58 am #882928147Participant
Unless you are a Kohen, you most likely will be wishing to date a divorcee, and even if a Kohen, or an Almonoh; i.e. someone who has previously been in a marriage will be able to relate to you.
Someone who has never been married, is in a different world than you, especially if you are older than someone in the early 20’s.July 3, 2012 4:28 am at 4:28 am #882929shmoelMember
So how does a divorced Kohen relate to a new wife?July 3, 2012 5:33 am at 5:33 am #882930Think firstMember
Song- if your question is how do you know you’re ready to start dating? Then my answer from my experience is when you feel the pull to get married again. Personally for quite some time after I divorced I didn’t want to hear about marriage. You really have to feel comfortable enough to start. I must say though that after the first post divorce date I felt even more ready,so start when you feel you want to remarry? Yes, and you may feel more excited about dating once you start. I did.
If your question was how do you know you’re ready to marry the person you are dating? Then I’ll say the following: there’s really no difference in dating round one or round two at its core, you are meeting someone to see whether they may be someone you can relate to, talk with, enjoy their company, share common goals, have a liking for each other, physically attracted to one another etc. that what dating is all about isn’t that true? Obviously you may have priorities more clarified to you now based on your past experience and honestly when I got divorced I learned a lot about myself in a positive way, and I have a clearer picture of whom I’d like to marry. So, to answer this question: when you’ve met someone you really like and enjoy and they make you feel good about yourself and you feel like you want to see them when their not with you and this person shares your dreams and goals, then you’re ready to get married to this person.
I hope this helps you in you quest to find your zivug, may Hashem give you clarity in your search and to myself and all those in the same boat.July 3, 2012 7:50 am at 7:50 am #882931
SoB -“How do you know when you’re ready?”
Maybe there is more than one reason Chazal said you have to wait 90 days. A Divorcee has to be extra careful – more than s/o on the first time around.July 3, 2012 12:52 pm at 12:52 pm #882932yaff80Participant
I would imagine that someone whose firstr marriage ended through divorce is in a different position than one whose marrige ended through the ptirah of their spouse.
The divorcee knows what didnt work first time round and therefore now has a clearer vision of what is right for them.
The Alman/almana however may have had it right first time and therefore may find it harder to find that exact replacement (if there is such a thing)
Just my own perception.
Is this correct logic or am I way out?
Hashem should help all singles – whether first timers, divorcees or sufferers through death – find their bashert very soon!July 3, 2012 3:02 pm at 3:02 pm #882933Tzvi HirshMember
Consider dating again when the anger and bitterness leave you, otherwise it will resuface in the second marriage again and again.July 3, 2012 3:40 pm at 3:40 pm #882934
Song -“its seriously not in the question. without going into details i wish it was possible but sometimes its not…”
I took your post from the other topic because I think it’s relevant to this one. I don’t know the reason of your divorce & I’m not prying, but whatever it was you feel you can’t live that way.
So how does one prevent the same thing from happenning again?
100% you can’t prevent because that’s in Hashem’s hand, but we can make Histadlus. So try to go back and see what little clues you missed when you were dating the first time around to clue you into what your spouse was really about. Try to focus on these subtle signs when you are dating again.July 3, 2012 6:24 pm at 6:24 pm #882935yichusdikParticipant
As someone in this position right now, I concur with Health’s recommendation, and as much as we would like to look at a potential spouse with rose coloured glasses, we have to be a bit more realistic than that about their issues. but I would also go one further, and perhaps more importantly do the personal cheshbon to see where I could have done things differently and change myself or at least be aware of my own shortcomings going in to a new relationshipJuly 5, 2012 4:56 am at 4:56 am #882936
@ckbshl – I was assuming that @shmoel was referring to if you feel your ready don’t let worries about if you’re ready deter you. But I 100% agree with you, however even mashpi-im and others that can guide you don’t know you as well as you know yourself. BH I have an amazing Rebetzen that helps me get through everything
@Think first – Thank you for your post! It was very informative. I just feel worried, like I might mess up a second time. I have a friend that got married and divorced the second time round, and we’re still verryy young – and in addition I have children. I’m not so worried about if I feel that I want to get married again, because I do feel the pull. I’m just not sure how emotionally ready I am to start another relationship. But… that being said when I feel ready for something I usually know it 100%, and it always works out the best that way – when I try to push for something just because I feel “its time” usually that doesn’t work out.
@Health – Lol its been WAY past 90 days…. don’t worry. I don’t understand how people can jump from one relationship to another like that but I’ve heard it being done before and working out amazingly BH
@ yaff80 – Yes definitely there is way more insight, and I do have more knowledge as to what is important to me and what I should be strong on and what I should let go of. It bothers me now so much with my single never married friends – when I know their priorities they have now are going to completely change after a couple of years.
@Tzvi Hirsh – how would you know when it leaves you? Like most of the time I could be fine but something could flare up and I’d get upset all over again completely unexpectedly…
@ Health – regarding to the post you pulled from the other source. Thanks for that. One thing my mother told me when I separated was that if I wanted to make sure not to do the same mistakes over again I would have to change how I thought and some aspects of who I was to make sure I wouldn’t go for the same kind of person. She was also saying that if it was my tikun then to change that I’d have to conquer the tikun on my own without the “help” of a guy. I see it very clearly now.. and its not easy 🙂
As for who they were all about – yes now with hindsight I do see alot more clearly when suggestions come up but I also try not to only focus on that but at the picture as a whole because its too easy to get sucked into the “he’s not right for me coz of this one thing that he does etc.” mode that delays so many people finding their beshert….July 5, 2012 8:42 am at 8:42 am #882937
Song -“and in addition I have children.”
The choices for marriage will Not be as good as without kids. So you might have to settle for things that you might not have wanted to. Make sure you prioritize what you absolutely won’t settle for and what you can live with even if it’s not ideal.
“One thing my mother told me when I separated was that if I wanted to make sure not to do the same mistakes over again I would have to change how I thought and some aspects of who I was to make sure I wouldn’t go for the same kind of person.”
This suggestion won’t be easy to implement. Therapy will make this much easier.July 5, 2012 1:29 pm at 1:29 pm #882938M.O. ChossidMember
I come from a divorced home. My opinion is, since you do have children, you shouldn’t just jump right away into dating.
Take into account your children’s feelings first. Discuss it with them. (How old are they?)
Even if they’re not old enough to understand, you have to explain to them -depending their age- that you will be looking into finding them a new father. Again, depending on their age, it may be hard for them to adjust to a new person taking over the responsibility as being their father. Please, when dating someone, take this into account. Make sure, you always include your kids in your decision. Yes, it is about your feelings, but don’t leave your kids out of the loop either. No one likes surprises, especially younger children who may still have attachment to their father. If they are older, they may be able to understand it easier.
Either way- if you didn’t have children, and if you are emotionally healthy to move on, then by all means, go right ahead- the longer you wait, the more doubt will arise.
Good luck in your search for a new husband/father to your kids.July 6, 2012 2:00 am at 2:00 am #882939
You know what – lol I hear you about “choices”. But honestly think about it. I don’t need choices! I just need to find the one that is right for me.
This really amazing bochur ate at my neighbours house so I was trying to suggest a friend for him to the people he was staying by. The lady told me later that she’d told him that she has a list of girls waiting for him.. and he said “well I only need one…”
It helped to put into perspective whenever anyone told me that because I have children it’ll be harder to find someone. Its not true! All those that wouldn’t be interested are obviously not the one that’s right for me. So i’m not so worried about the “Choices” 😀
@M.O. Chossid – OF COURSE!! My kids are my first priority. I have friends who’ve been through a terrible time with their step father, I’d NEVER want to do that to my children. They have to accept and appreciate the guy just as much as me. It might be hard to find someone that it could all work, but Hashem knows what He’s doing and I know He’ll send me the person thats right for me AND for them. BH they are small and very friendly and accepting children but they wont always be young so the guy does have to be good for them for the future too.
Thank you everyone for the encouragement 🙂July 6, 2012 3:27 am at 3:27 am #882940
Song -“I just need to find the one that is right for me.”
That’s exactly what I meant -Don’t let your Zivug pass you by because you are being picky.
Now it appears you feel that your first marriage wasn’t your Zivug or you feel it was and now you are on Zivug Sheni?July 6, 2012 4:17 am at 4:17 am #882941choppyParticipant
Song, how will you iy’H treat your new husbands children from his first marriage??July 8, 2012 8:17 pm at 8:17 pm #882942
I feel that my first marriage wans’t my Zivug, but who am I to say – maybe it was my tikkun, thats what my Rebetzen feels.
And @Choppy – I hope I will treat them the way my new husband would want me to treat them – so if he wants me to keep my distance and let him and his ex be mechanech them, then thats what i’d do – if he wants me to be like a 2nd mother i’d be more than happy to. It always depends on the dynamics of the situation + what the children need etc…
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