Home › Forums › Shidduchim › Double dating
- This topic has 41 replies, 21 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 5 months ago by bjjkid.
January 6, 2011 3:47 am at 3:47 am #593990
lets say you and your friend go out with guys who are pretty okay and then arrange to meet at a restaurant for a double date–both “couples” are made up of singles…what do you think?? Has anyone ever done that?January 6, 2011 4:30 am at 4:30 am #725504popa_bar_abbaParticipant
Doesn’t sound like something I would have done.January 6, 2011 4:32 am at 4:32 am #725505kapustaParticipant
Bad idea for a few reasons:
1. I know this is not a very popular opinion, but you’re friends do not need to know when you’re going out unless it somehow comes out (meeting each other on a date) or maybe if its right before an engagement. Girls (and boys) who are single dont make good dating mentors for various reasons.
2. You dont want your friend forming his/her own opinion of your date and then be the “helpful” friend later on and talk you into or out of something you aren’t comfortable with that you may come to regret. Like I said before, single friends are not people to discuss dates/dating in general with. (Thats also why shmoozing about a chosson/kallah is not either the best thing)
3. This is really an opinion thing, but once you are at a stage where you are comfortable with your friend meeting him, it means you’re at a “chummy” stage which is a bad idea for dating in general. Dating is a path to marriage, not a path to having fun. (Just dont lose sight of the goal.)
I’m pretty sure there was another reason, but can’t think of it right now.
Can I ask what benefit there would be to meeting this way?
In effort to avoid any tomatoes that may be thrown at me, this is just my opinion.January 6, 2011 4:39 am at 4:39 am #725506deiyezoogerMember
what would be the point?January 6, 2011 4:40 am at 4:40 am #725507aries2756Participant
That does not sound like a good idea. I believe that you shouldn’t even discuss your dates with your friends let alone introduce your friends to your potential mate until after you are engaged. Double dating will only give the other girl or boy opportunity to compare the two of you for pros and cons. This is never a good idea. After you are engaged or married the commitment is in place, but before that where things are still up in the air, I would say it is risky business.January 6, 2011 4:44 am at 4:44 am #725508oomisParticipant
I have done something similar to that. It was fun, the couples clicked, we have remained close friends for over 35 years. Oh yeah, I married the guy. Double dating is enjoyable and really helps get certain people throught he awkwardness of some dates, because there is a different dynamic and less pressure. It is a good casual type date. Would I recommend it for a first date – probably not. But after a couple of dates, it is nice to go out with another couple and get to know each other’s friends.January 6, 2011 4:50 am at 4:50 am #725509miamigirl613Member
That usually happens when 2 friends are both not so interested in going out and they say to each other if you go i’ll go and they agree to go together. This is never really done in the shidduch world.January 6, 2011 4:51 am at 4:51 am #725510
isn’t dating for the purpose of finding your bashert and getting married?? how would such a thing bring u closer to the ultimate goal?January 6, 2011 2:01 pm at 2:01 pm #725512RuffRuffMember
What if it clicks the wrong way, or if both decide on one, is it a fight? Will you “give in” and take the second choice, compromising the marriage from the beginning?January 6, 2011 2:05 pm at 2:05 pm #725513eclipseMember
Has way more con’s than pro’s.January 6, 2011 4:42 pm at 4:42 pm #725514dunnoMember
I’m on the no side. It’s a bad idea for many reasons.January 6, 2011 5:17 pm at 5:17 pm #725515oomisParticipant
isn’t dating for the purpose of finding your bashert and getting married?? how would such a thing bring u closer to the ultimate goal? “
yes, you are right about that. But sometimes two people feel a little uncomfrotable with each other alone, at first, but in a group situation (and it can be a VERY small group), their shybness is less pronounced and they develop a comfort zone.
Clearly this is not a typical dating mode for yeshivish people, but some of my most memorable dates were doubles with our close friends. Going mini golfing, for example, is more fun with another couple, or even going out for dessert or coffee.January 6, 2011 5:46 pm at 5:46 pm #725516
doesnt sound like s/t that a yeshiva bochur/sem girl should b doing, but i could b wrong. and going mini golfing? doesnt sound like the best way to figure out if a person is for u,,,,,January 6, 2011 5:50 pm at 5:50 pm #725517
Although dating is a means to the goal of getting married, not everyone dates 5 tines and then gets engaged. Remember, there are all sorts of people out there. I see nothing wrong with it.January 6, 2011 6:06 pm at 6:06 pm #725518
what does not going out as a group have any shaychus to getting engaged after 5 dates????January 6, 2011 6:20 pm at 6:20 pm #725519
“what does not going out as a group have any shaychus to getting engaged after 5 dates”
Some people like to see how their date meshes in their world outside a hotel lobby.January 6, 2011 7:19 pm at 7:19 pm #725520
and you really think that you will c that from going miniature golfing?January 6, 2011 7:37 pm at 7:37 pm #725521
You see a lot about a person when they are out in the world. How they interact with others, how their mannerisms are, how competitive they are etc etc etc.
I would never marry a guy just by a hotel lounge date.
I would also never marry a guy who I didn’t see angry. I think seeing how a person reacts negatively is a HUGE impact on how I view the person.January 6, 2011 7:42 pm at 7:42 pm #725522
Surprisingly some people like to enjoy themselves.January 6, 2011 7:45 pm at 7:45 pm #725523CedarhurstMember
Sj, you wouldnt marry someone who never gets angry?January 6, 2011 7:51 pm at 7:51 pm #725524
“and you really think that you will c that from going miniature golfing”
yes you can find out if the guy is a puttsJanuary 6, 2011 7:56 pm at 7:56 pm #725525
Cedarhurst, everyone gets angry at some point.
I’m already married. To a wonderful husband. He rarely gets angry – but he gets angry. And I am very happy at HOW he gets angry.January 6, 2011 7:57 pm at 7:57 pm #725526whatrutalkingabtMember
Yes you will see that. You can see how he reacts in different situations (ex if he is the type that will get all bent out of shape from losing…)
Its also a good idea to make sure that you can have a good time together…since you will be spending your life with him (unless of course you dont want to have fun for the rest of your life)
And about double dating… There are many more resons not to do it than there are to do itJanuary 6, 2011 9:03 pm at 9:03 pm #725527
LOL!… Surprised it got through thoJanuary 6, 2011 9:08 pm at 9:08 pm #725529
me too sacrilege! but you gotta tryJanuary 6, 2011 9:10 pm at 9:10 pm #725530
‘Twas a laugh!January 6, 2011 9:12 pm at 9:12 pm #725531
i dont know, a boy who has s/t to get angry about on a date knows he is on a date and will control himself, unless you say u spy on him for months i do not c how this would help….January 6, 2011 9:18 pm at 9:18 pm #7255321dayatatimeParticipant
So many opinions,
So many ideas,
Hashem should help us all, as he has always done
Those who need shidduchim, should find it
Those who need a Refuah, should have one
Spiritual and emotional health
Thy will, not mine, be done
Ad Bias Goel Tzedek…. AmenJanuary 6, 2011 9:26 pm at 9:26 pm #725533
bjjkid, I am not yeshivish. I was friends with my husband first, then we dated, then we got engaged…I knew him about 3 years before we got married. So yes, I saw him get angry. You learn a lot about a person from seeing them angry.January 6, 2011 9:40 pm at 9:40 pm #725534
well then it is hard for me to comment b/c such a thing is VERY far removed from s/t i would have ever dreamed of doingJanuary 6, 2011 10:07 pm at 10:07 pm #725535
I guess it sounds tooo risky! I thought we could get an idea and btw we’re dating very diffrent guys soo no problems in that sense…but it’s still too risky…
how about introducing him to a married couple?January 6, 2011 10:13 pm at 10:13 pm #725536PosterMember
The main thing I find strange about double dating is that what happens if one girl is more attractive than the other and both boys want her. It is for this reason that couples arn’t advised to mingle too much even once they get married.January 6, 2011 11:31 pm at 11:31 pm #725538well meaning busy bodyMember
It is for this reason that couples arn’t advised to mingle too much even once they get married.
How much is mingle too much ???
Even a little ask any Posek worth his ?????.
And this is the Yeshiva World???January 7, 2011 12:35 am at 12:35 am #725539
Real life isnt a soap opera.January 7, 2011 1:55 am at 1:55 am #725540bein_hasdorimParticipant
how about introducing him to a married couple?
That sounds like a good idea.
Sometimes singles need reassurance that their decision is sound
from a source that they trust.January 7, 2011 2:23 am at 2:23 am #725541
and single people are not trustworthy????January 7, 2011 3:15 am at 3:15 am #725542
ya…that’s the idea it’s good to get a 2nd opinion but how do you tell him that were going out with my friend/her husband…without making him feel like hes going to be on the spot….I just hope they’ll be okay–won’t interegate the poor guy!—just I trust their judgement..so it should be fineJanuary 7, 2011 1:46 pm at 1:46 pm #725543
bjjkid, I understand that. Sometimes learning about a totally different path, opens you up to thinking in new ways. Not that I expect you now to date for 3 years, but you may think “Hmm, lets see how this guy behaves in public.”
Or you may just go on thinking I’m crazy. Either way is ok 😀January 7, 2011 2:10 pm at 2:10 pm #725545
SJSinNYC, no, sorry; u ttly did not change my way of thinking, just made me realize that not e/o has as “narrow” views as i do, but i am still proud of my strong and norrow views and dont plan on changing a/t!!!January 7, 2011 2:41 pm at 2:41 pm #725546
bjjkid, that in and of itself is broadening your views!
Just because you limit what you are going to do, doesn’t make you “narrow.” Its important to learn what others do and apply it to your life as applicable.
If what I posted is not applicable, you just learnt what others do.
Now think of me on your next date and say “What would SJS do” and do the opposite LOL. Now you know you are actually going to think of me haha!January 7, 2011 2:44 pm at 2:44 pm #725547RuphRuphMember
Yes, it’s a good question to ask about him.
As I tried writing earlier, I notice that those of you who have no problem with this are the same proponents of girl-boy friends in the thread about that.
To those of us who hold it is Assur, doing it for the sake of being more comfortable, more fun, and for the couples to know each other better are no Hetter. As far as seeing him in many situations, that’s a valid reason for being with him, but to mingle with other boys for that purpose does not fall under the category of dating to get married.January 7, 2011 4:06 pm at 4:06 pm #725548
Its important to learn what others do and apply it to your life as applicable. – i dont think i will apply to my life, but thanks for the advice! u may bring me closer to finding my bashert :)!!
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