Enough Talk on Shidduchim
Home › Forums › Shidduchim › Enough Talk on Shidduchim
- This topic has 139 replies, 23 voices, and was last updated 13 years, 2 months ago by AZ.
February 15, 2010 7:15 pm at 7:15 pm #681146
jewishandworking, usually we are not talking to the kids, we are talking to the parents!!!!February 15, 2010 7:21 pm at 7:21 pm #681147
AZ, I have been involved in shidduchim that went 3 or 4 dates and then fizzled out. And I have known couples who canceled 3 weeks before the wedding. As the shadchan involved I wouldn’t want to get compensation if it didn’t go through. I have set up many, many couples who have told me I am on the right track and I have “listened and understood” them, but it didn’t click with that particular person. Unfortunately or fortunately I was only lucky enough to make one shidduch for my own niece, but I was always successful in getting it right. On the other hand, I have coached many young people through the shidduch process and that could mean 1 date, 3 or 4 dates or all the way through to the wedding and beyond.
I don’t believe a shadchan should get paid until they go to the chupah. It is not a done deal unless their is a marriage no matter how hard a shadchan works. A salesman that pitches a sale for 5 weeks does not get paid until the merchandise is paid for even if the sale goes through. That is the nature of the business. There is a double edge where Shadchanim are involved it is not only a business it is also a mitzvah and therefore it has to follow Torah guidelines and not new convention.February 15, 2010 7:59 pm at 7:59 pm #681148jewish and working 22Member
“usually we are not talking to the kids, we are talking to the parents!!!!”
1) Shouldn’t the singles be involved? It is THEIR life after all, not the parents. Which then leads me right back to my previous post (about the maturity and hand-holding of the singles by their parents).
2) If the parents can’t take the someone rejecting their kid for a date (without the kids even knowing about it) do you really think a pamphlet is the answer? I think that there is a larger underlying problem which pamphlets and guides will definitely not help.
On a side note, I totally agree with you in regards to your response to AZ regarding being paid only after the deed (marriage) is done.February 16, 2010 2:11 am at 2:11 am #681149
Unfortunately it is parents who have turned the shidduch world into crisis. Yes a pamphlet and discussions in shuls by their own Rabbonim to prepare them for shidduchim is very much in order. Parents look for their ideal son-in-law or daughter-in-law. Parents look for their ideal mechutanim. Parents look for prospects they would be proud to show off to their friends and family. Parents in many cases look for a match that will agree to make the type of wedding they feel they deserve to have to impress their friends and family. Parents think their children are perfect and and a gift to the world instead of realizing that no one is perfect and their children are gift Hashem gave them not the whole world. And that each child is only truly half a person until they find their “better half”.
There are many an older single who’s parents got them to that point by rejecting one prospect after another without even discussing or presenting them to their child. Let me give you an example. When my own daughter was dating, a relative was chasing after this bochur and finally after 8 months got a yes and presented the shidduch to me. I was told that the mother wants the mechutanim to pay for his law school. Her concept was that she brought him to this point and when he got married the mechutanim should take it from there. I rejected the shidduch. My relative was very upset. She said, what’s wrong, why won’t I let my daughter date him. I said because the mother is nuts. When her child gets married does it mean he is no longer her child? Since when is it the mechutonim’s job to teach the boy a parnasah, that is his own parent’s responsibility. I was appalled by her chutzpah. it wasn’t that they couldn’t afford it, it was that she held her son on a pedestal and expected the mechutanim to do the same. I said that this woman would never value my daughter the same way she valued her son and I didn’t want to subject my daughter to that.
Well can you figure out the end of the story? My daughter was married ten years with 3 kids before we heard he was finally married. This falls into the same category as the stupid question issue. People who are looking for reasons “why not” to allow a shidduch. People who are looking for why “they don’t live up to our standards” or who hold themselves up to a higher madreigah. We need to understand that we are all equal in the eyes of Hashem. And that what we are looking for might not be what Hashem has planned for us. So we might need to get off our high horses and take a better look in the mirror. We are no better than the other human beings that Hashem created.February 16, 2010 2:40 am at 2:40 am #681150
Aries, your posts just keep getting better and better. You should write a column.February 16, 2010 5:03 am at 5:03 am #681151volvieMember
Most of her posts are columns. (-;February 16, 2010 2:31 pm at 2:31 pm #681152
If you want it to be the fourth date so be it. There is a point in time at which is is clearly a solid suggestion. Offering the Shadchan compensation for reaching that point is simply a very effective method of getting attention for your OWN daughter. No one is saying what parents have to do, I made a simple obvious suggestion of what parents COULD do to help their OWN daughter. Do you debate the that it works, because I know for a fact that does.
BYTW interesting to see we have left the purpose of the thread which was to discuss real solutions to the crisis….February 16, 2010 2:35 pm at 2:35 pm #681153
Having kids in the parsha, I’ll say that your kid making a good impression on the shadchan goes far, as does courtesy and menschlichkeit, and sincere verbal (and/or written) expression of appreciation for the efforts.February 16, 2010 2:44 pm at 2:44 pm #681154
And when there are 600 girls vying for a specific shadchans attention, sincere appreciation and yes offer of compensation goes that much further.
Especially if the daughter is 21/22.February 16, 2010 6:49 pm at 6:49 pm #681155
Any shadchan who accepts payment before a marriage is contracted is going against halacha. Please don’t call that person a shadchan.
AZ, maybe you can start a dating agency with these conditions. In that case, a dating agency can take a fee up front to set up dates according to the personalities, needs and compatibility of the parties (like the goyim do). Under these conditions, whatever arrangements are made beforehand that everyone agrees to are appropriate. But then these are not shadchanim, these would be dating agencies and the workers are entitled to get paid for their work, as are anyone employed by them.February 16, 2010 7:23 pm at 7:23 pm #681156
A shadchan who accepts $200 for the time invested in setting up a boy and girl on 3 or 4 dates is going against halacha????
Please quote chapter and verse.
As an aside, I’m must be missing something. If a parent willing chooses to inform a shadchan that they recognize the time and effort required and will be willing to compensate if the shadchan get their child to a 3rd/4th date. Is anything not appropriate being done?
didn’t think so.
I just suggested to parents to do exactly that, BECAUSE IT WORKS.
In addition you commented that you wished there were more people actively involved in redding shidduchimn. I simply made the obvious observation that if people were compensated for arranging quality dates there would be more shadchanim.February 16, 2010 10:23 pm at 10:23 pm #681157
AZ, I will never believe that a shadchan without fail deserves to be paid for a shidduch that did go through. Unless it goes through it is not a shidduch – it is merely an attempted shidduch. I don’t pay a broker who ALMOST sells my house, no matter how hard he or she worked on the sale, and any commission-based employment is the same. You didn’t close the deal, you don’t get paid. If you feel that is unfair (and based on what you write, that is so), then have the written understanding BEFORE making a shidduch, that after a certain number of dates, a predetermined specific amount of money is to be paid, whether or not it goes to the chuppah. I am sure that will cut down on the number of people who continue to date when they are not “sure” if they really want to, after the first three dates. Money always talks.February 16, 2010 10:31 pm at 10:31 pm #681158
oomis1105: I am not saying it is unfair (that is for a separate discusion), I am not saying it is owed. I am not even saying shadchanim should ask for it.
I simply wrote that parents who offer it to shadchanim will get attention and thus its a very smart thing for parents to do to help their daughters-you think??
DO you think that it won’t help?-your dead wrong.
or do you think parents shouldn’t do it, even though it will help??February 17, 2010 2:25 am at 2:25 am #681159
AZ, that is called “bribing” the shadchan which I don’t think is fair or right. A shadchan really needs to try their best to “match” compatible partners and not push a paid client on a prospect. That will result in what I think Jphone mentioned that he was set up with a girl that was totally looking for someone that was not like him.
The position of a shadchan is to make a match that works and when that happens they get schar both in the mitzvah itself and in payment. The problem with the 3rd or 4th date is that kids are so confused these days especially the more they date. The more prospects they go out with the more they have to compare with and the more they get confused. What they really need is a dating coach or a shadchan that is really involved and can help them through the dating process. Bribes will not help this. And the worst part is the more they discuss their dates with their friends the more confused they get. Friends confuse more than they help. People think that friends know them better than anyone else, but friend do more harm to shidduchim than good. They think that their honesty and truthfulness is what is best and they are being supportive. But in truth the best way to be supportive is to be quiet and allow the person involved in the shidduch to talk things through and come to their own conclusions. Stop comparing your dates with your friends. Stop telling them what happened with you and your husband and you and your wife. It doesn’t help it makes it worse. Many friends forget that they didn’t love their spouse at the dating stage or they were awkward with each other and that throws their friends off because they feel they should have more feelings at the 3rd, 4th or even 5th date and thats why they call it off.
When someone tells their friend “he was a jerk” the friend will usually agree instead of saying “well men also have awkward moments and get nervous and confused, why do you think he was acting that way….” or when a girls says ” i was upset because he ….” a friend would say “you are right he is not for you” while a coach or shadchan might say “how many times did he do that? Is it part of his personality or was it just a one time thing?….” When a boy says “she isn’t pretty enough” a friend will agree “you deserve better or yeah….” when a shadchan or coach will say “have you taken a look in the mirror lately? What do you think you deserve? Why would you say that? Who are you comparing her to? What do you think Hashem has in mind for you? What is your definition of pretty?…’
At any rate, you believe what you do and I don’t think anyone will change your mind, but having married off 3 kids already I don’t see your point as being productive. However, I do see a use for it in a dating service where everything is up front and it is a working relationship where everyone involved is involved as a job who is working to earn a living which has nothing to do with the outcome. Their job is to take info and use that info to set people up on dates and that’s it. Whatever happens between the parties is not their responsibility. As long as that is understood it should be perfectly simple and equitable. Pay the fee and you get set up. If it doesn’t work, pay the fee again or work on something like $200 gets you set up 4 times.February 17, 2010 2:58 am at 2:58 am #681160
Ah, but Oomis, if you show appreciation to the realtor s/he will be willing to go to bat for you again. The question is, what is reasonable appreciation? I live in a slow enough paced world (not to mention a poor one) that there are simpler and equally meaningful ways to do it.February 17, 2010 4:14 am at 4:14 am #681161
Tzippi, you know what I mean. As hardworking as someone may be, if they don’t close the deal, unfortunately they do not reap the rewards. My appreciation might be in the form of recommending that realtor to OTHERS who would be more successful in buying their dream home through this person. But if I did not buy a house through him or her, I am not paying a token commisssion just because of the effort involved. I say thank you, and mean it sincerely when someone goes to bat for me. It does not mean I owe them money. In some fields that would be a different story. You pay the doctor whether or not he is successful at treating your condition. But some lawyers only get paid if they win the case. So it is with shadchanim, as far as I am concerned, unless they prearrange a different deal beforehand.February 17, 2010 4:55 pm at 4:55 pm #681162
Oomis, I was playing devil’s advocate. It is accepted not to pay or tip a realtor, especially since the money comes out of the realtor’s successful sale. I was simply saying that heartfelt thanks, a note to his/her superior, maybe even a box of chocolates are all appropriate nice gestures. You’re enough of a mensch that I’m sure you would be appropriately courteous. I’m with you – extravagant, or even less extravagant but still costly gestures are not necessary, and should not be necessary to
a) be considered a mentsch
b) be given future service.February 17, 2010 8:29 pm at 8:29 pm #681163
To clarify: you would discourage a parent from offering compensation to a shadchan who got their child to a 3rd/4th date even though in all likelihood it will help get their child more attention and more quality dates.
A simple yes or no will doFebruary 17, 2010 9:36 pm at 9:36 pm #681164
yes, because it isn’t the shadchan who got the child to the 3rd or 4th date, it is the shidduch and it may or may not go further.February 17, 2010 9:50 pm at 9:50 pm #681165
I am not for encouraging people to act out of desperation, nor for fomenting desperation, especially if they don’t pay anywhere near full tuition, or will have to rely on tzedaka to do something that may, if some people would have their way, become SOP, r”l.February 17, 2010 11:27 pm at 11:27 pm #681166
Tzippi: “R”L”- you make me laugh. People involved are waiting for this to happen. In fact I spoke to day with a Menahel of a Large Girls School and he refereed to it as a Brilliant Idea that he will try to encourage.
But we live in a democratic state and everyone is entitled to their opinion so long as halacha doesn’t have a say on the matter.February 18, 2010 2:33 am at 2:33 am #681167
AZ, as long as you are in contact with the menahel of a large girls school please talk to he about being available when people call for shidduch references. When I called a menahel of a Large Girl’s school the response was “Do you really expect me to remember all the girls that walked through here? Do you know how many girl’s that would be?” My answer was “Yes each one was there at least 4 years, either you or someone else there should make it a point to get to know all of them for shidduch purposes.”February 18, 2010 2:42 am at 2:42 am #681168
If this were the menahel of my daughters’ school, then when I fill out my tuition assistance form I would be sure to let the committee know of this legitimate expense, endorsed by their school. Because then it should taken into consideration too.February 18, 2010 5:07 am at 5:07 am #681169
AZ, the attention you are talking about can also be negative, if that child keeps ONLY getting to the three or four dates each time, but it never follows through. No payment is due for less than final results. But I am with Tzippi, a nice little token of appreciation might be in order, depending on the circumstances, and a thank you note, surely is in all cases.February 18, 2010 4:14 pm at 4:14 pm #681170
oomis1105: Here’s a little secret. take a typical normal regular girl. By the time she dates 5 boys 3 times each she will already be married.
Tzippi: the expense will most likely be less than 1,000 for your daughters entire dating life. If you feel the tuition commintee needs to be aware of that, by all means.
Either way (IMHO) parents should to it to help their daughters.February 18, 2010 4:24 pm at 4:24 pm #681171
“oomis1105: Here’s a little secret. take a typical normal regular girl. By the time she dates 5 boys 3 times each she will already be married.”
AZ, without going into stories here, I do not agree with your secret. Too many girls disprove that.February 18, 2010 5:34 pm at 5:34 pm #681172
oomis: There are tons of girls ages 22/23 who have not dated 5 boys 4 times.February 18, 2010 9:43 pm at 9:43 pm #681173
Just saw this weeks yated-readers write. check it out….February 18, 2010 10:43 pm at 10:43 pm #681174
Dale Carnegie writes that people are motivated by 2 things. Fear and money. What Az is suggesting (some may call it bribery, some may call it “mezumin” – doesnt the Rebbes Gabbai get a few bucks for his “effort”, call it what you like). You want the shadchan to work harder for you, give him or her something they appreciate. Money is pretty univesally appreciated. Whether this is a solution to any so called crisis is a seperate question.
I suspect, that when this “appreciation” is seen as a means to get shadchanim working for a particular person everyone will do it. Then we will have a new “crisis”, people will no longer be able to afford to show their appreciation as desperate parents, driven by an (not so?) irrational fear that their daughters (sons) will remain single forever, try to outdo each other in their displays of “hakaras hatov”. I would even go so far as to suggest that the shadchannim who accept the largest displays of hakaras hatov will be see as the “Lexus” of shadchanim, after all, you get what you pay for, resulting in shadchannim who simply dont have enough time for everyone (wait, isnt that where we are now?). Soon, people will see this as a lucrative field, and the quality of shadchanim will become so watered down, people will stop using them altogether, or go to a select few (again, back to where we are right now). When that happens, some “askanim” will try to create new “hakaras hatov” guidelines. Meanwhile, the only people who gained anything, are a select few shadchanim and a few couples who they managed to set up.February 18, 2010 10:49 pm at 10:49 pm #681175
jphone: Bribery, mezumin after the fact???? That’s usually before hand…February 18, 2010 10:54 pm at 10:54 pm #681176
Jphone: are u saying a individual parent should NOT do something that is in their own child’s best interest (get them attention) because maybe down the road it will get out of hand. (I guess anythings possible).February 19, 2010 4:52 am at 4:52 am #681177
AZ, Professional shadchonim take big bucks and they are entitled to it. Parents who go to them do not give them a “gift” when a shidduch goes through they give them a payment for their services and that can be up to and beyond $10,000. If that is not enough of an incentive for the Shadchan to do their best for each and every client, why would the addition couple of hundred help? No one sets the shadchan’s fee but the shadchan.
On the other hand, non-professional shadchanim who do it for the mitzvah still have to get paid and are usually grateful for whatever gift whether monetary or otherwise that they receive.February 19, 2010 10:05 am at 10:05 am #681179
Y’know I really should have quoted this one instead…
Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And Summer’s lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And oft’ is his gold complexion dimm’d;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature’s changing course untrimm’d:
But thy eternal Summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag thou wanderest in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.February 19, 2010 4:01 pm at 4:01 pm #681180
Anuran – HUH????????????????
What does Romeo and Juliet have to do with this discussion? And Mods, what’s up with this?February 19, 2010 4:02 pm at 4:02 pm #681181
Yep, Purim is almost here, again.February 19, 2010 4:06 pm at 4:06 pm #681182
“What does Romeo and Juliet have to do with this discussion?”
Another post put it up as the ideal of romantic love. I believe the post was deleted, so my response is a bit of an orphan.February 19, 2010 5:00 pm at 5:00 pm #681183
AZ: You are suggesting today, that hakaras hatov be shown after the 3rd date. As people realize who the shadchanim are dealing with it will eventually become the 2nd, then the 1st, and then, prior.
Yes. I am suggesting parents do whatever it is they can for their own children. And they will. If shmearing someone is what it will take then there will be those who will do it.February 19, 2010 5:33 pm at 5:33 pm #681184
I have been in contact with close to 50 shadchanim over the last couple of years. Not a single one of them has ever asked for nor received anywhere close to 10g for a shidduch they have completed.
Many many of them work hours and hours each day some. Some of them 24/7 literally. Perhaps because they don’t have pre determined demands of 10g makes them not proffesional in your book. It is to these and the vast majority of the shadcahnim out there that I recommend giving compensation after 3 dates.
what you describe is so uncoomon probably less then 10 people in the US have a system set up that their fee is 10g for a completed shidduch.
I certainly agree with you. A shadchan who expects 10g for a completed shidduc and gets has no need for minor compensation after a couple of dates.
For the vast vast majorit of shadchanim who receive aprox one to to two thousand dolars for completed shidduchim. Yes I think compenation after a few dates is a very smart things for parents to do!February 19, 2010 5:38 pm at 5:38 pm #681185
Expressing genuine appreciation to someone who spends hours trying to help your child is hardly “shmearing”.
I think we would all agree that parents should write a nice sincere card to express their appreciation to a shadchan once their child goes out on a couple of dates- wouldn’t you say? Why isn’t that “shmearing”.
Or is it only when a parent actually wants to give money to somehow compensate for the time the shadchan spent , that is when we get all bent out of shape.February 19, 2010 6:42 pm at 6:42 pm #681186
AZ, we obviously don’t live in the same neighborhood or run in the same circles. My kids are B”H married for years, but that was the going rate when they were dating and B”H we did not have the need to go to a professional. The one to two thousand dollar amount you speak of was the amount of the gift we bestowed (as expected) on the non-professional.
So maybe if parents see that they are not getting anywhere with the Shadchan they should visit more than one or switch to one that will take their child under their wing and work on their behalf. I have heard too many stories from young women themselves who told me “the Shadchan didn’t even speak to me. I was sitting there and she took another call, looked at me for two minutes and waved me out of the room.”
Everyone has a sheliach as well as a zivug and if the sheliach you chose is not working for your benefit maybe that is not the one Hashem chose for you.February 19, 2010 6:43 pm at 6:43 pm #681187
AZ. Its a matter of semantics. You yourself are not discussing this from the truly altruistic middah of hakaras hatov. You call it hakaras hatov. I call it shmearing. We both agree that the shadchanim will remember those who “remember” them.
Regarding how much shadchanim ask for. 18 years ago when I was dating, I was recommended to a shadchan. This shadchan wanted 5 thousand dollars, from each side for a successful shidduch. I didnt use him (never got past that first phone call), because I couldn’t afford him. If he is still around and involved in shidduchim, I would imagine that his fee has increased somewhat with time.February 19, 2010 7:22 pm at 7:22 pm #681188tomim tihyeMember
I take the liberty of posting without reading through the whole thread.
PROFESSIONAL SHADCHANIM? Who needs ’em? When my class was in shidduchim, we discussed making a trip to a well-known shadchan who works with bochurim in a particular yeshiva of the type most of us were looking for. We decided against it, and no one in my class (about 15 girls) went to ANY professional shadchan. B”H, close to fifteen years later (actually, much earlier already), only 1 of us is still single (not to minimize her plight, c”v).
Everyone’s shidduch came through family, friends, networking, etc.
But, THAT ONLY HAPPENS WHEN WE TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR EACH OTHER!February 19, 2010 8:26 pm at 8:26 pm #681189
“I think we would all agree that parents should write a nice sincere card to express their appreciation to a shadchan once their child goes out on a couple of dates- wouldn’t you say? Why isn’t that “shmearing”.”
You really have to ask? NO, writing a nice note is NOT shmearing. It is good manners. Shmearing, when it does not apply to bagels (though I guess in this case I suppose it COULD refer to “tuna bagels”) specifically means giving a bisseleh gelt to someone as a bribe. And you know it.February 21, 2010 1:11 am at 1:11 am #681190
aries2756: “My kids are B”H married for years,…..but that was the going rate when they were dating and B”H we did not have the need to go to a professional….”
and as such you are in likelihood not in touch with what is going on today….
Jphone: the overwhelming majority of shadchanim have no fees neither up front nor for the completed shidduch.
tomim tihye: today’s is not the same as fifteen years ago. a recent study of girls dating vbetween 5-10 years show over 13% still single….
Oomis1105: so please explain why less then 1% of the people bother to do as you suggest (write so much as a nice card) when their child gets to a third/forth date?? and if you think I’m making it up try speaking to fifty shadchanim….February 21, 2010 1:17 am at 1:17 am #681191
Because they have poor manners, AZ. If someone tried hard to make a shidduch and it got to 4 dates and broke up, it would be good middos to writer a thank you for their help (unless it is a close personal friend or family member, and then a call is really sufficient).February 21, 2010 1:40 am at 1:40 am #681192
So, is the “crisis” a result of not shmearing enough, or the right shadchanim? A result of shadchanim not working hard enough because of hurt feelings and the lack of hakaras hatov? Not enough shadchanim? Not enough members of a specific gender? Not enough members of a specific gender involved in shidduchim at a young enough age? To many people looking for a crisis and not shidduchim? To many people who have decided that this crisis is so overwhelming and they simply gave up? So many theories.February 21, 2010 5:07 am at 5:07 am #681193
In trying to understand the “crisis” I started with the library and did some reading on the history of marriages and matchmaking. From what I gathered it has changed a lot in the last couple hundred years. In villages and small towns the matchmaker functioned more as a go-between as recently as 150 or so years ago. That is, everyone knew who was going to get married. The strict segregation between the sexes practiced by some of the frum was not and could not possibly have worked in a world of hard-scrabble farmers. There’s just too much that men and women had to do to survive that had them interacting with each other.
In larger cities or in cases where no suitable spouse could be found nearby the matchmaker could call on a network of friends, relations and professional contacts in other places. These tended to be full-time professionals, the man with the umbrella and bowler hat of past generations.
Remember, people in those days lived a different life than we did. Almost everyone was involved in farming in one way or another, and nearly everybody lived in villages or small towns. Even in bigger cities identifiable groups lived close to each other. Ethnic and religious groups like Romany or Jews or groups which shared a profession such as dock workers and brewers lived and worked close to each other.
In a situation like that everyone knows everyone. Kids grew up playing with each other. You were friends with the great-grandchildren of your great-grandparents’ friends. The invisible but powerful League of Older Women was always on the lookout for grandchildren. Marriages were often arranged as economic relations between families, ways of increasing land or business.
The point is, you often knew a lot about the man or woman you were going to marry. Say, a girl has a talk with her mother about the boy a farm over, the one with two wells and some river-bottom land. The mother has a talk with her husband who has a talk with the boy’s father who has a talk with his wife who already had a talk with the girl’s mother. Somewhere along the line the shadchan gets called and the young couple are officially “introduced” to each other.
Now we live in big cities with cars. Shelves of books have been written about how this has changed everything in life. The role of matchmakers and the economics of marriage have changed dramatically. And they will continue to change to meet the needs of observant Jews who want to fulfill the mitzvas of marrying and having children.February 21, 2010 7:23 am at 7:23 am #681194ronrsrMember
Though we idealize what happened long ago, there were many abuses of the shidduch system, particularly toward the end of the 19th century and early 20th century, as the result.
One such perversion of the process was shidduch “farming.” A boy would become engaged and even marry a girl, collect the dowries and trousseaus, then move on to the next town or even to America.February 21, 2010 7:24 am at 7:24 am #681195ronrsrMember
Why don’t we worry about the marriage crisis. So many more young couples are divorcing these days.February 21, 2010 4:13 pm at 4:13 pm #681196
Your cyncism aside,
The “crisis” is a result of an inequtiy of numbers of girls in relation to the boys. This has many devastating derivatives, among them it causes the girls side to desperately hound shadchanim in hope of getting attention. Having more shadchanim involved would help slightly (I write slightly because the boys seem to be getting married any way). The idea of girls families offering compensation for getting quality dates is simply a way for a individual girls to get attention from the shadchan.
It is my belief that both sides should compensate the shadchan as simple mentlichkeit but that was not the message of my original post in this thread.
- The topic ‘Enough Talk on Shidduchim’ is closed to new replies.