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Hi I am a 20 year old cochlear implant boy. I was deaf from birh and was outfitted with Cochlear implants that enables me to hear today. All my life I barely didn’t have any friends- not even true friends.
Tonight, A guy who I thought was my friend for the past few years, which i worked really hard on to get his friendship, offically dropped me . And now I am all alone in the world.
In short, I was harrassed, bullied and abused by guys due to my hearing disablitity and eating disorders ever since I was a little kid. As result of that, it has soical, and emotional consquences on me. Every time i tried defending myself to my parents or to the school authorities every time I was framed or got into trouble- of course my parents belived the school authorites over my words.
I am always wondering why I cant have real friends. Why I cant keep friendships intact and due to my dumbness and stupidity ( guys say I am dumb) it falls apart? I feel like why did Hashem give me this test? I would have loved to be given another test instead so I can have Real Friends whose friendship can reamin intact. Beacuse of this I am not as frum as I was when i was younger. I no longer feel close to God. I can’t even understand what’s the gemara or whatever the rebbi is tallking about. I wish I could disappear and start my life anew.
And yes, I am seeing an therapist. Bue due to the nature of what’s been going on in my life, i can not talk about some issues with her, As she has way too much power legally, and of course, she listens to my parents as well.
Tonight, I sort of hit rock bottom. Since, I am a big ywn coffee room reader and following posts similar to my situation, seeing that the members of this chat room don’t usually discriminate against fellow Jews, I felt this was the best place where I can find support, advice and see where this takes me. Wow, i never talked about my life, this much. Thanks for listening.
So sorry about your situation. That must be very difficult to go through. I remember when i was in school and didn’t have many friends. It’s hard to not have that interaction. I’m sure you’ve tried many times to kindle a friendship and haven’t been successful, but don’t give up, keep trying. Do you think maybe you might be able to find someone similar that you can relate to and give each other support? Anyway, I wish you success in finding a good friendship
I would suggest reading ‘Gateway to Happiness’ by R’ Zelig Pliskin on Friendships.
It sounds like youre having a really hard time and good for you that youre reaching out.
Friendships can be really complicated. Its so hard to know who is a true friend and who isnt. Unfortunately, one friend dropping another does happen and its so painful when it does. You have memories together and you may have shared personal things with each other and now it feels like you wasted your energy on nothingness.
I have a few questions on your post.
1. Why do you identify yourself as a cochlear implant boy? Forget about what others say about you for a minute. Do you or do you not believe that youre more than that? True it was a challenge you were given but that doesnt encompasse who you are! Theres so much more to you!
2. You wrote that you were bullied for an eating disorder. Can I ask which one?
3. Does not being as frum as you used to be because of the friendships come from a lack of trust?
Looking forward to hearing from you…
Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. The Torah teaches that talking out one’s worries lessens the severity of pain by 50%. You are to be commended for persevering in life through your disablity & despite the callousness of insensitive children all around you. Better not to have them as friends since they are shallow people who don’t ave the guts to man up & seek only to follow the herd mentality. It’s their loss that they don’t get the chance to know someone like you who likely has so much to bring to a relationship. Your nisayon has made you a more sensitive & deeper person. Don’t ever wish to trade your nisayon with someone else’s. What Hashem gave you was given with love & hashgacha pratis to prepare you for your tafkid in life. What seems like a chisaron now will someday turn out to be the best thing that happened to you. Thank you for your post. Be strong.
Dear CIB sorry for the hard time you are having, I have suffered from loss of hearing my whole life i probably should have had a hearing aid since i was a kid but my father frowned on anything that would make me look different even if it was for my benefit, i finally wised up and got one about 10 or so years ago and it has made an incredible difference, anyhow getting back to the issue of friends it is very hard to form and keep friendships when you suffer from low self esteem like i did for most of my life and yes therapy can help with that very much and if you really cant trust your therapist then you need to stop going to her you need a person who you can trust completely your parents may be signing the checks but she is YOUR therapist not theirs.
For others to have a positive view of you, you have to have a positive view of yourself and trust me it is not easy, just know that you are a special person that has value and you were given the gift of life because Hakadosh Baruch Hu wanted you to, you have talents and qualities that make you special focus on what gives you joy and learn that you deserve friendship and all the good things life has to offer. Hatzlacha.
I sympathise with you. I am someone who was born profoundly deaf (but don’t have C.I), and I don’t know sign language, relying on lipreading.
What hearing people don’t realise (and probably will never fully understand) is the tremendous social barriers deaf people have – just sitting around a table, trying to lipread the conversation is very very difficult – so for the poster above to suggest things like reading Gateway to Happiness etc is NOT the solution at this stage.
Happy to talk to you more about how I coped with friendship etc – perhaps a Moderator can pass on my email address to you?
That would be online social networking.
C.I boy- or as I want to now call you “Boy with C.I”. I think your first step is changing your attitude towards yourself. I work with speical needs children and we never call them “Downs kids” or “Cerebral Palsy kids”. first and formost, your are a 20 year old yid. You clearly have a neshama unique and holier than most of us “everyday” people. But honestly, your lacking of hearing should not define you. It is a part of you. I think when anyone has something they identify as a flaw within themselves they must not let it define who they are. Hashem created each of us with specific kochos and specific maailos. Take a moment to think about the things in this world you enjoy, your hobbies, talents and capabilites.
“the only diability in this world is a bad attitude”- you are clearly going through something challenging, but always remeber, Hashem created you this way for a reason. Try your best to learn about the things your great at, or love and focus on that. When you show people you are confident within your own skin, you should have less of a problem amking friends.
I wish you much hatzlacha, as I know for the kids I work with how challenging it is to have limitations. But everyone does, and for those boys that just “dropped you”, Hashem will deal with the way people treated you. Just focus on your tafkid. You seem like a smart boy. We are rooting for you!!
I understand completely when you say that due to certain events you cant really trust.
3 of my “good” friends dropped me this year. In my case as well, I slid a little in terms of yiddishkeit. I felt like if this is how frum people act, whats there to be proud of.
I spent an entire year hating them with every fiber of my being. I hated them for what they did to me and how they made me feel. But you know something? My year was miserable because of it. I missed so many things because I wouldnt go if they were there.
But the minute I began to let go and tried to move on, I became happier. I still have other problems but this was a big one and im so happy its on its way out.
People can be impossible! But you shouldn’t let a certain person hold you back from anything. Believe in your true value and what youre capable of!!
Life has a way of working out, I promise you! You can do it! You arent alone at all! Hopefully everything will work out for you quickly. …
Yes, im in your age range; im 18. Its interesting that you mention that you keep making the same mistakes.
After I finally got over those friends and worked through some of my trust issues, I became better friends with another group. After a while I learned to trust them. It turned out to be a big mistake because they ended up sharing certain information with other people, claiming it was for my good.
They may have been right but I was devastated. I think the reason I began trusting them was because its so hard to do everything alone. Sometimes you just want to talk things over with someone.
So know that its normal to keep making such mistakes. Life is all about trial and error.
By you saying that hashem has decreed you live a hard life, I see helpless you feel. Dont give up hope because although its hard now, you still have so much ahead of you.
Why should C.I. make you different? Young kids might tend to exaggerate any slight difference, but mature people don’t differentiate based on what procedure you had done. I know people with it and it hadn’t crossed my mind to view them as outcasts.
Does your less frum mean angry at Hashem? People do react like that when things don’t seem to be working out as desired. You have a full life ahead of you. Don’t despair. Many people lose friends. As Lev Arye Boy once said, you win some you lose some. As you try to win new friends use the interlude to enjoy your own company.
There are things to know when it comes to making or keeping friends. I don’t know all of it, but being comfortable with yourself makes others comfortable with you as well. As much as you want a friend don’t obcess over the fact that it is a friend. Don’t argue and be jealous of interactions with other people. Try not to hang onto your friend, as in needing them very very much and showing up before the first opportunity. Try to be giving. But most important is your confidence and countinence.
These aren’t easy. Some people have this instinctively and others have to learn it.
okay.
1. always always remember that Hashem loves you very very much, more than you can ever imagine, no matter what you do or what He does (or seems to do). bishvili nivra ha’olam–you are worth the world. Proof of His trust in you is that you woke up this morning. He obviously has some faith in you and believes you can accomplish your mission in this world if He kept you here for another day. in modeh ani, “raba emunasecha” is talking about Hashem’s faith in you to do your job.
2. having said that, i can sympathize with you on the friend issue. what i can tell you worked for me was to work on my self-esteem and realize that i can give to others too. friendship is not a one-way street. try to reach out to others who need friends and you may be surprised at what you can change.
3. hatzlacha. we’re all cheering for you 🙂
A therapist who violates your confidentiality by discussing your case with your parents is not a functional therapist for you.
You need to find a therapist you can trust.
A therapist is supposed to listen you, first and priority. How you feel and help you, so she’s not doing her job.
I am also in your age range, still a teen, but I really don;t have what to tell you except to hold on and try to reach out. Somewhere there are people that would be your friend, I’m sure. You just need to find them. And this is going to make you much stronger in life…
Anyway, to make friends you need self-esteem and you have to be able to let go of your past hurt, pain ,and shame. You need to stop taking teasing personal, and not let it bother you. Because in reality, they are teasing the body G-d gave to you that you couldn’t choose, not something like the actual you, your personality…
Ya, so those were the thoughts that came to my head, I’m younger than you, so I really can’t have what to say, esspecially cuz I’m not in a situation like that so I can’t even try to imagine what it’s like.
Hatzlacha, I will have you in my tefillos, and please, keep us updated.
I also understand how you are frustrated with your school and parents, I feel the same way even though my story is completely different, So I really feel for you over there and I know how hard it is, with everyone having different ideas of what you need and want….
But you’ll get thru it, one day it will behind.
Just like I hope it will by me some day.
Sorry, I misunderstood before. It sounds like (based on your age) you are in yeshiva or college. Can you switch schools? I think a fresh start would be good for you.
C.I Boy: How and why did this therapist obtain legal power over you?
I think that this friend was extremely immature for convincing others to stay away from you. I know it wont make you get over it but such a person isnt worth your time or energy.
Its horrible that you were used. Its such a bad feeling to invest so much in a friendship and to go out of your way for others only to be abandoned when you need those friends most.
Heres a piece of advice. No matter how much they curse your personality, dont ever change yourself thinking that youll win them back or that others will like you if you alter your personality.
Try to pay attention to your virtues and all that youve accomplished. Feel confident in who you are!
“Why should C.I. make you different? Young kids might tend to exaggerate any slight difference, but mature people don’t differentiate based on what procedure you had done”
My current supervisor and one of my past supervisors made unnecessary and hurtful remarks about my hearing, I reported them both to the district manager and he reprimanded them.
Am I discriminated against because i have significant hearing loss? yes all the time, but that being said i have a healthy enough self esteem and pride in who i am not to put up with it.
It has always been my understanding that anything said to a therapist or similar professional, by law must be held in strictest confidence, or they can lose their license (unless the patient or client poses an immediate serious threat to the safety of himself or others). That said, if you are under legal age, and you report i.e., abuse, physical or otherwise, they are mandated by law to report that to child protection services to investigate. Perhaps that is what your therapist meant. I cannot imagine a therapist telling a patient to refrain from being candid otherwise.
I think Oomis is probably right. C.I Boy, I would suggest that you ask your therapist directly what she can relate to your parents, and what she will keep confidential.
Generally that type of communication is not allowed (privacy risks)…If I could make a suggestion, I think a good place for you to start would be to stop identifying yourself as “C.I. Boy”. Your hearing does not define you! You cannot control how other people think and feel about you, but you CAN control how you view yourself, and I think you’ll find that once you start feeling more self-confident and stop dwelling on your hearing, others will pick up on it and treat you differently. It may take time but it’s very worth it.
Friends who are 2-3 years younger (depending on how old YOU are), might be much more immature. A lot changes in 2-3 years when you are a teenager. Also, most parents are not thrilled when their children are friends with OLDER kids, even by 2-3 years.
Age and maturity are virtually unrelated.
Happy to discuss but only a moderator can possibly pass onto you/me email addresses.
oomis:
I must disagree,
It depends, there is such a thing as a healthy relationship between those ages. That would require that:
1)Most of their friends are their age, and it’s only a few higher or lower in age
2)They understand they are not the same in age and are going thru different things the other may not want to talk about/understand
(This is with 2 people of the same age also, since everyone really totally has got different lives, and there are those people who are in 10th grade but no one knows how they got there [They should be in 8th, simple easy life, {or so it seems} and immature] and the people that you can see their pain in their eyes or can tell something is not okay with her/her environment…)
3. That this is not a dependent relationship, where the younger one is dependent on the elder or vise versa
I have a few friends 1-2 years older than me. In high school and yeshivah, 9th thru 12th are going thru many of the same things and can totally relate on some levels, while on others can totally not. I meet with those girls maybe once-twice a month for a walk or a chat, and when I see them in school they give me a hug and even though they are older, they have asked me for advice and confided in me in some things, also vise versa. Many times they forget I’m a year younger than them, and of course this is only 3-5 girls, and I have more than that ammount of friends my age.
I think this is a healthy relationship.
Though the girls I’m friends with 2 years and plus, is more of a friendly, see you in the hallway and ditch a class once in a while thing, and if I meet them in town, we’d totally hang out or talk, but they wouldn’t actually call me or me call them….
I also have a madricha 2 years and a few months older than me, and she is foremost a madricha and not really a friend, and that is a different relashenship completely, and I feel like I’m 10 with her, since she is way more mature. So that can also happen, it really depends on the people involved, everyone in a whole world, it’s sorta hard to generalize what exactly the relationship will be.
But with C.I. boy, it seems (correct me if I am wrong) that most/all of his friends are that age, which, in this case, I do agree with oomis, is not very good.
Good Luck! I suggest you find some boys your age, maybe try moving schools to a more friendly and accepting crowd…everyone has their differences they could be made fun of…
Don’t think it’s just you. Friendship is a rarity today. Respect is a rarity today. I don’t know if that cheers you up. We live in very sad times. People get betrayed left, right, and center.
What I try to do is not so much have friends but familiar faces. This isn’t to say that one can’t find a friend. Just watch your back.
We need Moshiach. I can’t think of any other solutions anymore.
But don’t despair. God loves you. And deep down the Jewish people have love for one another even though it’s covered up today.
Peirush Hameyuchas L’Rashi on Pirkei Avos:
???? ?? ???: ???? ?? ????? ????? ?? ??? ???
You don’t sound unintelligent at all. You sound just fine and probably a whole lot more mature than your stupid classmates. School can be a torture chamber.
Yes they can.
Myturnatbat: That is true, but it is possible to find true friends out there…I believe so.
I just noticed this topic. I have a daughter who is also a CI recipient, so I understand some of the difficulties you’re having. I suggest you get in touch with a counselor who understands deafness. If you’re in or near Brooklyn, I can make a recommendation. I also want to point out that, G-d willing, your situation will improve. My daughter recently married another CI recipient and is very happy.
???? ?? ???: ???? ?? ????? ????? ?? ??? ???
“Acquire a friend for yourself” – Some explain this to mean sefarim
and some to mean a friend, literally.
In a similar vein, the Kav Hayashar in perek 53 says ????
?? ???? ?????? ??? ??? ?? ??????? ??? ?? ??? ?????? ?? ?????
“Acquire for yourself a friend” (Avos 1:6) Like its implication. And also it is alluding to that the pen should be your friend – that you should write down that which you innovate (in Torah).
See however R’ Tzadok in ???? ????? ??? ??? who explains that ???? ?????? ?? ?????? ???? ???? ????? ???? ??? ?’ ???? ???? ????? ????? ???? ??? ?????? ?????? ???? ?? ??? ?????? ???? ?? ?????? ??????? ?? ??? ???? ?????? ???
that the seforim only become your “friend” once you use them to come up with chiddushim.
Shalom C.I. Boy,
you sound like a really nice person (and not dumb at all)
Also congratulation on your cochlear implants! It must be wonderful to be able to hear! That’s really great news.
I’m very sorry to read about what you have endured. Again, you sound like you are a nice guy and you deserve to be treated with respect and fairness.
I saw an article that I found interesting on aish.com called “Scared to Make Friends”
Edited to remove link but leave info
I think you could see what you enjoy doing and then see if there are people with whom you can connect naturally. It doesn’t have to be deep friendships at first.
But I do think that you should look for quality people who have self-respect (not for some jerk (jerks don’t respect themselves))
I don’t know everything, but what I could imagine is that part of the test from Hashem (we are all tested by Hashem one way or the other) is actually for other people, how they treat you!
I think concerning your parents, parents are often worried about their children. It doesn’t mean that they are right in what they think or assume. They probably mean well. Concerning friends who are younger, I think what you could say is that when people get older those age differences diminish, if not disappear. Who knows what will happen in only 5 years, when you will be 25 and those friends 22 (or 23). That is not that large an age difference!
In general there are friendships that last a long time and there is actually no reason why you should not be friends with those guys, as long as you feel good.
Try to have a good relationship with your parents. Treat them well and with respect and thank them from time to time. I think this is important.
Concerning the test, I think there is another test, and that is how you deal with hurt,past and present. Actually, this is a test for everyone. When people hurt us we have many ways to react to this. The worst way to deal with it is to take it out on innocents (this is maybe what this guy who treated you badly went through). This is the worst reaction, and it’s completely unlogical and it doesn’t solve anything and in truth only pulls one down.
I think the task and the great chance that you have is to be a giving, honest, decent, moral person who doesn’t conduct his life according to the bad examples that he has seen but according to the morality of Hashem and who chooses(!) to live by morality and kindness to his fellow man.
This would be the greatest thing and the greatest achievement ever (and I’m serious)
Take the bad things that have happened to you and try to understand others better who may have been hurt. I’m sure you could provide a lot of Chesed to other people, especially random people.
Hashem surely loves you, that is for sure. I don’t know if my interpretation was correct. But what I’m sure of is that Hashem wants you to live a life of decency and kindness to others.
This was also one of the greats strengths of Abraham, kindness
Read books about this, maybe of the Chafetz Chaim. Also read Pirkei Avot.
Never forget that each Jew is tremendously important and that you as a person have incredible value!
Also, pray to Hashem for having true friends who like you and who will influence you in a good way in your way (be it in school, academically and Limudei Kodesh, profession,work, privately, in your family, spiritually,morally). Also, read more about the Shmona Esre and its background.
Hashem surely listens. Try also to understand what Hashem wants from you.
All the best, May Hashem bless you!
Zeev
Hi again,
I wanted to add:
Each person that you meet in the future is a new person. There does not have to be any connection or likeness/similarity to the bad people you unfortunately got to know.
You should definitely avoid people who treat you badly.
Look for people who have self-respect and who have a spine and are idealistic.
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