HUMOR: Funny Mother-In-Law vs. Shadchan

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  • #588906

    myshadow
    Member

    I just got this in an email and thought it was funny!

    The Shidduch Crisis

    Ich zug dir, I’m really suffering from the shidduch crisis. Finding one’s bashert in today’s society is just SO hard! I make hundreds of phone calls to shadchanim, begging everyone not to forget about me – but so many of them tend to brush me off with silly excuses like they have no time for me, they can’t think of anyone for me, they’re too busy with other things Even when they do find a few free moments to ‘red’ me a shidduch, they just never come up with anything decent! It’s a shanda, I tell you.

    No, don’t be ridiculous – of course I’m not a 19-year-old girl!

    I’m not a 24-year-old bochur, either.

    I’m the MOTHER of a shidduch-age yingel – and he’s the best boy in the yeshiva!

    Oy, I hate krechtzing in public, but the truth is, it’s a shrekliche matziv out there for us future mother in laws.

    I asked my son a few months ago what kind of girl he’s looking for. You know what he answered me? He said, “Ma, I just want a good girl.” Ha! What does he know? So I’m making it my business to find him what I know he really needs. In fact, a shadchan called me just last week:

    “Hello, Mrs. Vichtigmacher? I have a great girl for your son.”

    “You do? Terrific. What size is she?”

    “Huh?”

    “I asked, what size is she? My son doesn’t want to go out with anyone bigger than a 2. A size nothing – an absolute 0 – would be perfect.”

    “Oh, well I don’t know “

    “And how tall is she?”

    “Oh, she’s average hei-“

    “What do you mean by ‘average?’ My son doesn’t want to go out with anyone shorter than 5’3, but of course he won’t consider anyone taller than 5’5. She might make him look small and stumpy, especially if she wears heels. So this girl needs to fall within a three-inch radius for her to be acceptable.”

    “Ok. I just-“

    “What does she look like?”

    “What? Oh, she’ a really nice looking girl.”

    “Nice looking? That’s it? A new pair of shoes is ‘nice looking.’ A matching pocketbook is ‘nice looking.’ A good haircut is ‘nice looking.’ The girl my son is going to marry has to be more than just ‘nice looking!'”

    “This girl is pretty.”

    “Pretty – but not beautiful or stunning or gorgeous or extraordinary?”

    “Yes, she’s very-“

    “How old is she? Anyone under age 19 is most likely too immature for my Gemarakup. Marrying someone that young would almost be like cradle snatching! 20 is just right. In my opinion – and I’m right about just about everything – any girl over 21 is already too settled in her ways to make a good spouse. My son won’t be able to mould her personality anymore. He won’t be able to properly train her to have a five course supper ready on the table by 5pm, or else. Or to iron and starch and fold his cashmere socks into perfect little 4-inch squares. You understand?”

    “No, I’m not sure I-“

    “And how many years can this girl’s parents support my boy in kollel? My son doesn’t want to go out with anyone who can’t support him for at least the first decade. I mean, after all, a boy who sits and shvitzes and hureves in kollel deserves to get everything he wants, doesn’t he? My son simply refuses to go out with anyone who doesn’t come along with a house. And he’s partial to BMW’s.”

    “Oh. I didn’t-“

    “How many kids are in the family? My son doesn’t want to go out with anyone who’s the oldest in a large family, because then the girl is already burned out and overstressed by the time she gets married. The youngest in a large family is usually way too spoiled, so forget about that. And a middle child, nebach, a middle child is usually neglected. On the other hand, an ONLY child never learns to share with others or build sibling relationships, so my son would never consider that either. If this girl is, say, the third child in a family of 12 – that would be perfect.”

    “Actually, she’s-“

    “Oh. Very important. What does her father do for a living? My son would never go out with a girl whose father or grandfather, up to four generations back, worked in a butcher shop or a fish store. Anyone who can stand to witness the sight of that much blood obviously has no midas harachamim. And we won’t take any truck drivers or used car salesmen either.”

    “Mrs. Vichtigmacher, I think-“

    “Now hold on, I know exactly what you’re going to say.”

    “You do?”

    “Uh huh. You’re going to tell me that this girl is everything I could possibly hope for in a girl. And that may be true. But I’m not finished getting information from you yet. I forgot to ask: On Shabbos, does her family eat on fine China or on paper plates?”

    “Why does that matter?”

    “Well, it’s obvious. If they eat on fine China, they’re probably feinshmekkers. On the other hand, if they eat on paper plates, they’re probably practical people, down to earth, but they don’t respect the kedusha of Shabbos as much as they should.”

    “Well then, what should they eat on?”

    “Good question. And there’s something else I need to know. Is the girl quiet, or is she loud?”

    “She’s not too quiet”

    “Aha! She’s not too quiet, you say! I know your shadchan euphemisms. That’s a very subtle way of saying she has no eidelkeit. She’s brash, loud, and way out of control, right? Her teachers probably couldn’t handle her all throughout her 12 years of school. Her parents are probably desperate to get her married, just so she can settle down, right? Tell me the truth.”

    “No! The truth is that she’s really pretty quiet, but-“

    “She’s quiet? You mean she’s timid, shy, tzurikgeshtannen? Doesn’t she have any friends? What are you redding my son, a mouse?!”

    “Of course not, she’s-“

    “What will she wear on her head?”

    “Excuse me?”

    “On her head. A snood, a pony sheitel, a fall, a custom, a hat, a shpitzel? Which is it?”

    “Um. I assume she’ll just wear a regular-“

    “Regular? There’s no such thing as ‘regular.’ What a woman wears on her head tells a lot about what’s going on INSIDE her head. Is she ‘modern,’ ‘yeshivish,’ litvish,’ ‘chassidish’ or ‘Meah Shearimdig?’ Is she a rebel or a rebbetzin?”

    “She’s a frum, wonderful, tzniusdige young lady! A really great baalas middos tovos, with a kind heart and derech eretz! Mrs. Vichtigmacher, she’s just a good gir-“

    “Did she go to camp?”

    “Huh? Yes. She went to camp for a few summers, and some summers she stayed home.”

    “She stayed home? Why? Are her parents too poor to afford camp? Is she too attached to her mommy to leave home for a couple of weeks? Does she have some embarrassing problem that she doesn’t want her bunkmates or counsellors to know? Does she snore or drool in her sleep? My son will never go out with a girl who hasn’t been to camp.”

    “I told you. She went to camp. Just not every sum-“

    “Did she go to seminary in Israel? You know, girls just don’t come out right these days unless they go to seminary in Israel. My son won’t go out with any girl who hasn’t been to-“

    “I get the point. You know what? I don’t think this shidduch is going to work out after all. I don’t have the time for you, I can’t think o f anyone for you, and I’m too busy with other things. Good luck marrying off your son.”

    Oy, it’s a shanda, I tell you. Vey iz mir! How I suffer from the shidduch crisis!

    The world stands on 3 things:

    TORAH – The boy has to learn.

    AVODA – The girl has to work.

    GIMILUS CHASADIM – The parents have to support them.

    #645901

    beacon
    Participant

    This would be funny if it weren’t true… sadly that’s not the case..

    #645902

    myshadow
    Member

    It makes you realize though how foolish some questions are when finding out info

    #645903

    noitallmr
    Participant

    Ha Ha-

    Nicely written! Made me lol till the end!

    #645904

    gavra_at_work
    Participant

    At least the shadchan got the correct response in the end

    #645905

    This sooo exaggerated, I mean c’mon…

    #645906

    brooklyn19
    Participant

    lol yeah. paper plates was always my favorite one. so they can eat takeout on china or homemade on plastic. which one is more well adjusted?

    #645907

    loyalyid
    Member

    Gevaldig! lemme email this one to my shvigger..

    #645908

    noitallmr
    Participant

    loyalyid- good point!

    By the way can we maybe start under this thread some mother-in-law jokes?

    I simply Looooove them!

    Here’s one for starters-

    Mother-in-law buys son-in-law two ties. A blue tie and a grey one. He goes upstairs to change and comes down a few minutes later with the grey tie on. “Don’t you like the blue tie”, asks his mother-in-law.

    #645909

    noitallmr
    Participant

    Someone gave his Shvigger a tissue and said, “this should be the only thing you stick your nose into.”

    #645910

    beacon
    Participant

    noitallmr- Lol like the tissue one!

    #645911

    I love these jokes. Keep em’ coming.

    #645914

    iluvchulent
    Member

    Why are they called ‘Shver and Shvigger?’ I think it should be ‘Shver and Shverer’!!!

    #645915

    A mother in law dropped in to her daughter for a surprise visit. Her son in law answers and says, ” Hey, we didnt even know u were coming, how long are u going to stay?”

    So the mother in law smiles at her charming son in law and says, “As long as u want me to.”

    To which the son in law replies, “U mean u won’t even have a tea?”

    Sharing this out of humor, my mother in law is a doll!

    #645916

    mebs
    Member

    eveyone thinks this is funny but there are alot of boys who are seriously looking for this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    #645917

    amichai
    Participant

    sounds pretty horrifying!

    #645918

    myshadow
    Member

    “there are alot of boys who are seriously looking for this!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

    NO there are a lot of mother in laws that are looking for this!

    #645919

    noitallmr
    Participant

    A man told his friend that his mother-in-law just passed away and he’s arranging for the funeral to proceed through the back alleys in order not to get an Ayin Hora.

    #645920

    jphone
    Member

    MEBS. The boys, or their mothers?

    #645921

    I personally don’t find this funny because I actually heard something similar to this from somebody who was actually going through this!

    #645922

    squeak
    Participant

    A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, “Could you please cut my dog’s tail off?” The vet examines the tail and says, “There is nothing wrong. Why would you want this done?” The man replies, “My Mother in law is coming to visit, and I don’t want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!”

    Comment: Of course, it was a seeing-eye dog.

    _____________________

    Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

    _____________________

    My Mother in law and I were happy for 20 years.

    Then we met each other.

    _____________________

    The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front step.

    She said, “Can I stay here for a few days?”

    I said, “Sure you can.” And shut the door in her face

    _____________________

    Q: What’s the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture?

    A: The vulture waits till you are dead before it eats your heart out.

    _____________________

    Two women came before wise King Shlomo, dragging between them a young man. “This young man agreed to marry my daughter,” said one. “No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,” said the other. And so they haggled before the king, until he called for silence. “Bring me my biggest sword,” said Shlomo, ” and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half.” “Sounds good to me,” said the first lady. But the other woman said, “Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman’s daughter marry him.” The wise king did not hesitate a moment. “This man must marry the first lady’s daughter,” he proclaimed. “But she was willing to hew him in two!” exclaimed the king’s court. “Indeed,” said wise King Shlomo. “That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law!”

    ____________________

    A man is told by his doctor that he has only 6 months to live. He asks the doctor what can he do about this. The doctor advises him to move in with his Mother-in-law. “Will that make me live longer?”

    “No”, replied the doctor, “But it will seem longer!”

    #645923

    Esther1
    Member

    squeak- Not funny:(

    #645925

    squeak
    Participant

    Thank you Esther, you have just given away your identity as a MIL.

    #645926

    Chuck Schwab
    Participant

    squeak, she mentioned she has a 20 year old brother… so I doubt that shes a MIL!

    #645927

    i agree its the parents that make the issues when it comes to shidduchim,

    i remember when my brother was on the shidduch line, and my mother asked him what type of girl he’s looking for,

    His responce… “shomer shabbos”

    #645928

    Esther1
    Member

    Mr. Schwab, you are correct. I am not a MIL.

    #645930

    Chacham
    Participant

    This agav is big takalah in the shidduch crisis is when the parents do not want the same thing as the girl. The parents might want a more with-it or wealthy person, when this girl just came back from seminary brainwashed how her husband must be from a-z. and vice-versa. I have heard of an unmarried 31 year old who it did not work out for her when she was younger because the father chas v`shalom can not have an eidim who has a square back [ while the father himself is clean-shaven and naturally does have a square back!] while the girl wanted a regular guy. It would be a good joke if it would not be reality;

    #645931

    squeak
    Participant

    I stand corrected. A future MIL (BE”H).

    #645933

    noitallmr
    Participant

    Anyone who doesn’t appreciate decent MIL jokes is either one themselves or a real feminist…btw great stuff squeak keep ’em coming

    #645934

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    squeak: hilarious!!!! got anymore???

    noitallmr: so true!!!

    #645937

    brooklyn19
    Participant

    hey i thought i was a feminist and i’m enjoying

    #645938

    onlyemes
    Member

    not really in my nature, but squeak pushed the button.

    What’s the difference between a rottweiler and a mother in law?

    After you’re dead, the rottweiler will eventually let go.

    #645939

    noitallmr
    Participant

    Forgive my ignorance but what’s a “rottweiler”?

    #645940

    brooklyn19
    Participant

    i guess you don’t know it all. it’s a german dog.

    #645942

    Bais Yaakov maydel
    Participant

    a husband and wife are at a magic show. the magician accomplishes an amazing feat, and some guy in the crowd shouts out, “how’d you do it?” the magician said, “if I told you, I’d have to kill you.”

    the husband shouts out, “can you tell my mother-in-law?”

    #645943

    noitallmr
    Participant

    Nah brooklyn19…noitall= I know everything worth knowing ;-)………

    Great stuff BYM…

    #645946

    RoshYeshivah
    Member

    How right this is(of course without the exaggeration)the sad thing is that’s it these ppl causing the crisis and complaining about it at the same time!

    #645947

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    lolgreat jokes on here!!!!

    #645949

    Chacham, I hope u dont believe what u wrote…

    #645950

    Bais Yaakov maydel
    Participant

    noitallmr, i left out the part where the wife hits her husband for that line……lol is it just me or do the daughters of the MILs not realize the situation between her husband and mother?? and get all upset and defensive when their husbands complain….i guess thats when you know what kind of MIL she’ll turn out to be…

    #645951

    myshadow
    Member

    Gr8 squeak! keep em coming!

    #645952

    squeak
    Participant

    Here’s a couple that almost cross the line.

    A man finds a lamp and rubs it. A genie pops out and says that he will grant the man two wishes, but he should know that whatever he gets from the wishes, his mother-in-law will get double. So the man thinks for a minute and then makes his two wishes: 1) I wish for $10 million 2) Beat me half to death

    ___________________________________

    A man decides to play a little practical joke on his MIL, who is coming to visit. He hides behind the door waiting for her to come into the house, and when she comes in he jumps out and yells, “BOO!”.

    The MIL takes a step back and clutches her heart. “Oy, you scared me half to death.”

    “BOO! BOO!”

    ___________________________________

    #645953

    beacon
    Participant

    Lol!

    #645954

    smartcookie
    Member

    SQUEAK- Your joke about the MIL and Shlome Hamelech was not funny at all. Not because I cant handle MIL jokes, I really do love them, but you dont apply a stupid, made up joke to Shlome Hamelech from Taanach. Especially taht you are poking fun at a similar story that actually happened during his time(where 2 woman were fighting over who’s child it is and he said it belongs to the mother that did not let slice the child in half.)I go for humor, but not this. I hope you get my point.

    #645955

    bored@work
    Participant

    I am with smartcookie…

    I am so nervous to get married now!! maybe instead of dating the boy I should date the MIL to make sure we get along!

    #645956

    brooklyn19
    Participant

    come on, smartcookie – you’re allowed to laugh. it’s a cute one!

    #645957

    smartcookie
    Member

    BROOKLYN19- I really do know how to take a joke and I cant say this wasnt funny. I did laugh. But it really ISNT FUNNY!!!There are millions of other funny jokes out there, why do we need to use our Heilige Torah stories to laugh at? Nothing terrible, but something to be aware of.

    #645958

    brooklyn19
    Participant

    we’re not laughing at the torah c”v. we’re using shelomo hamelech’s brilliance to laugh at MILs. that’s all. i don’t see what the big deal is.

    #645959

    oomis
    Participant

    I had an absolutely awesome mother-in-law, who was unfortunately ill for many years before I even met her. She could not have been more loving and happy for her son that he was marrying me. After she died, my beloved father-in-law O”H continued to be an important part of our family until his own death two years ago.

    #645960

    bored@work, these are just jokes! I dont know why they chose MIL to start jokes with but thats the way it has always been. I think 90% of MIL are very typical nice yiddishe Mamas. U have nothing to worry about..

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