Getting a ride with someone from the opposite gender

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  • #1507344

    TheWizard
    Participant

    If a woman gets a ride with a male colleague or neighbor or family friend, from work or to the airport or whatever, is it appropriate for her to sit in the front passenger seat rather than in the back seat? Is it appropriate for her to accept the ride altogether?

    Is it any different if a woman is driving and the passenger is male?

    Is it relevant whether the man and woman are cousins with each other or uncle/niece?

    Does it make a difference whether the woman is single or married?

    #1507847

    icemelter
    Participant

    “Does it make a difference whether the woman is single or married?”
    – of course it makes a difference, if shes not married it can be a great shidduch opp!

    #1507917

    Toi
    Participant

    Just tie her to the roof, problem solved.

    #1507953

    yungerman123
    Participant

    Regular dinim of yichud apply. R’ Moshe z”l held that a car in particular lends itself to easily transgressing the issur of yichud. Unmarried boys and girls should be particularly machmir. I remember as a bachur out-of-town refusing on many occasions to drive single girls on my way to shacharis, as it was before sunrise. On several occasions, I did give a girl a ride on erev shabbos, only to her destination in the city on busy streets, and she sat in the back. And it still isnt so comfortable.

    #1507964

    Eli Y
    Participant

    On one occasion where I was driving out-of-towner’s back to the airport after a wedding, I had the occasion to drive by herself a widowed female who happened to be the widow of a big-time Rabbi from Toronto. She sat in the back seat. There was no question she would sit there and looking back, if I had directed her to sit in the front that would have been the height of impropriety.

     

    Edited

    #1507970

    slominer
    Participant

    Yungerman: I believe that halachicly there’s reason to be machmir about giving an eishes ish a ride (whether you’re a bochor or a yungerman) even more than with a single girl.

    #1507974

    slominer
    Participant

    Cousins/Uncle/Niece are even more machmir than strangers due to Libo Gas Bo.

    #1507977

    Uncle Ben
    Participant

    Toi: I tell my wife to just let the men hold on to the roof rack. Why bother with the rope and all.

    #1508019

    yudel
    Participant

    Rav avignor miller said t it’s yehuraig vahl yavoir.

    #1508082

    Recently I had the opportunity to be in such a position.
    My Rav said I should sit in the back, preferably directly behind the driver. (If there’s 2 men in front it doesn’t really matter) and should not talk at all, preferably to put in earphones.

    #1508069

    [citation needed]

    #1508288

    slominer
    Participant

    Giving a female neighbor a ride is different than driving your date, as far as sitting in the front passenger seat is concerned?

    #1508311

    @slominer of course. I hope you wouldn’t talk to your neighbor nearly as much as you would talk to your date, unless you happen to be DATING your neighbor.

    #1508172

    avreimi
    Participant

    It is somewhat sad that we are so obsessed and scared of innocent relationships with the opposite gender. What about the positive mitzvah involved in helping someone? Isn’t that worth something?

    #1508405

    It is somewhat sad that we are so obsessed and scared of innocent relationships with the opposite gender.

    No, we’re legitimately concerned with “innocent” relationships turning into not so innocent ones, as tends to happen.

    What about the positive mitzvah involved in helping someone? Isnโ€™t that worth something?

    Of course it’s worth something, nobody said or implied otherwise. Guarding against the yetzer hora also has a lot of value, though.

    #1508414

    You gotta do Chesed, but not at a price of an aveirah.
    We never said not to do Chesed, it’s about how you go about it….

    #1508449

    ๐Ÿ‘‘RebYidd23
    Participant

    But you have to be careful not to go too far and leave someone stranded at the side of the highway because you don’t want to drive someone of the opposite gender.

    #1508513

    FarRockDad
    Participant

    ื”ื™ื›ื™ ื“ืžื™ ื—ืกื™ื“ ืฉื•ื˜ื” ื›ื’ื•ืŸ ื“ืงื ื˜ื‘ืขื” ืื™ืชืชื ื‘ื ื”ืจื ื•ืืžืจ ืœืื• ืื•ืจื— ืืจืขื ืœืื™ืกืชื›ื™ืœื ื‘ื” ื•ืืฆื•ืœื”

    ืกื•ื˜ื” ื›”ื:

    #1508516

    GAON
    Participant

    “Unmarried boys and girls should be particularly machmir”

    You seem to be contradicting the following passages of the Talmud:

    (ื™ื™ื—ื•ื“ ื“ืื•ืจื™ื™ืชื ื“ืืฉืช ืื™ืฉ, ื•ืืชื ื“ื•ื“ ื•ื’ื–ืจ ืืคื™ืœื• ืื™ื™ื—ื•ื“ ื“ืคื ื•ื™ื”, ื•ืืชื• ืชืœืžื™ื“ื™ ื‘ื™ืช ืฉืžืื™ ื•ื‘ื™ืช ื”ืœืœ ื’ื–ื•ืจ ืืคื™ืœื• ืื™ื™ื—ื•ื“ ื“ืขื•ื‘ื“ืช ื›ื•ื›ื‘ื™ื. (ืขื‘ื•ื“ื” ื–ืจื” ืœื• ื‘

    ืืžืจ ืจื‘ ื™ื”ื•ื“ื” ืืžืจ ืจื‘ ื‘ืื•ืชื” ืฉืขื” ื’ื–ืจื• ืขืœ ื”ื™ื—ื•ื“ ื•ืขืœ ื”ืคื ื•ื™ื”, ื™ื—ื•ื“ ื“ืื•ืจื™ื™ืชื ื”ื•ื, ื“ืืžืจ ืจื‘ื™ ื™ื•ื—ื ืŸ ืžืฉื•ื ืจื‘ื™ ืฉืžืขื•ืŸ ื‘ืŸ ื™ื”ื•ืฆื“ืง ืจืžื– ืœื™ื™ื—ื•ื“ ืžืŸ ื”ืชื•ืจื” ืžื ื™ื™ืŸ, ืฉื ืืžืจ ื›ื™ ื™ืกื™ืชืš ืื—ื™ืš ื‘ืŸ ืืžืš… ืืœื ืื™ืžื ื’ื–ืจื• ืขืœ ื™ื—ื•ื“ ื“ืคื ื•ื™ื”.
    (ืกื ื”ื“ืจื™ืŸ ื›ื ื )

    #1508647

    Avi K
    Participant

    It depends. On roads where there is traffic it is a petach patuach lareshut harabbim. Giving a ride to a married woman might be easier if her husband is in town. Someone who wants to be machmir can have his cell phone film the inside of the car (I know someone who does this to protect himself from blackmail), In some situations it might be a mitzva as the woman could be in danger if she stays outside by herself.

    Yungerman, please cite Rav Moshe’s teshuva so we can see what was the exact situation he discussed.

    Eli, once a man offered me a ride. I thought there was something on the front passenger seat so I sat in the back. He was very offended that I made him my chauffeur. I was also chided by one man for not closing the door enough after getting out and by another for slamming it and possibly causing damage. At the risk of going off topic, I will also add that a passenger, no matter who is the driver, should act with derech eretz. Do not eat or conduct cell phone conversations without permission (they annoy some drivers). Thank the driver and give him/her a beracha (e.g. “kol tuv”, “shavua tov”).

    #1508654

    adocs
    Participant

    Yudel,

    Source please re: Rโ€™ Miller & yaharog val yavor on this issue

    #1508668

    avreimi
    Participant

    Let’s talk turkey here. All this talk about the yetzer hora and innocent encounters turning into something more sinister, just show how scared we are as a society. If you are talking about giving a pretty young lady [single or married] a ride, I hear what is being said but when a bubby is helped to get home faster with her shopping, the discussion is just ridiculous. Even with a pretty young lady, it really is a shame we always have to assume the worst, in terms of motive and outcome.

    #1508685

    Me12345
    Participant

    Avreimi

    I don’t know where it says these words “al yidaber sicha im haisha – don’t talk to a lady” but the reason is cuz regular chit chat can turn worse… I would imagine that giving a girl or lady a ride can fall into the issue of al yidaber sicha im haisha. There are always storys of a boy and girl on a date that started off with regular conversations and by the time they were getting married they wernt shomer nigiya anymore and I’m sure that they didn’t think it would be an issue for them

    #1508715

    @avreimi this isn’t about being “scared”. You cannot put a stumbling block before the blind, it is assur for a man to get any enjoyment from a woman he is not married to. There’s many halachos and many rabbanim who have spoken about this, and in any situation I suggest you speak to your Rabbi and see what he says.

    Most of the rabbanim I follow hold that you should not say anything unless it is for a purpose. Unnecessary chit chat breaks down boundaries. What is it’s purpose? Think about it. As a woman I should not and do not want to have any relationship with any other man that is not a relative. What is the purpose of talking if not to create a connection? For what do I need to have a connection with a random guy?

    #1508717

    benignuman
    Participant

    Goan,

    Penuyah in the time of the Gemara was a penuyah tehorah, i.e. not a Nidda. Nowadays our penuyos are all niddos and therefore the issur yichud is d’oraysa, just like an eshes ish. That being said, I don’t know why single girls would be worse, they should be the same.

    On this topic generally, there is no halachic difference between going on a date and driving with someone of the opposite gender and giving them a ride outside of the dating context. If anything, the driving on the date has greater potential problems because of libo gas ba (after the first date or two) and because the context of dating lends itself to kalos rosh.

    #1508887

    slominer
    Participant

    Benignuman: You’re of the opinion that you can drive your female neighbor or family friend, whether single or not, in the front passenger’s seat just as you would for a date?

    Isn’t eishes ish a bigger issur than a nidda?

    #1508901

    benignuman
    Participant

    Slonimer,

    By the terms of objective halacha you certainly can (except in situations where it would be Yichud for a date too. E.g. on a dark side road in the mountains). However, if the tznius standards of your particular community are against the practice, then you should not be poretz geder.

    Eishes Ish and Nidda are both issurei erva with a chiyuv kares. Assuming the Yichud is d’oraisa, they are both Y’horag v’al Yavor. The only difference is that Eishes Ish, with eidim and hasra, gets misas beis din and Nidda does not. But that difference does not effect the issur Yichud.

    #1508910

    benignuman
    Participant

    Me12345,

    The statement you are referring to is in Pirkei Avos. But is ืึทืœ ืชึผึทืจึฐื‘ึผึถื” ืฉื‚ึดื™ื—ึธื” ืขึดื ื”ึธืึดืฉึผืึธื”. Don’t increase your speaking to a woman (or don’t speak to her a lot). Chazal were not saying that one should never talk to a woman but that one should not do it too much. Basic politeness (good morning, good evening, etc.) is certainly fine.

    #1508914

    slominer
    Participant

    Wouldn’t an issur that carries misas beis din indicate it is a more severe issur than one that does not carry that most severe penalty?

    #1508915

    Meno
    Participant

    Basic politeness (good morning, good evening, etc.) is certainly fine.

    I wouldn’t make a blanket statement like that.

    #1508932

    Basic politeness (good morning, good evening, etc.) is certainly fine.

    You know that’s how all the stories start of how frum nice girls end up in Arab relationships…

    #1508942

    GAON
    Participant

    Beni,
    “Nowadays our penuyos are all niddos and therefore the issur yichud is dโ€™oraysa, just like an eshes ish.”

    My point was it is certainly LESS than Eshes Ish – See Tosfot ืกื ื”ื“ืจื™ืŸ ืœื– ื
    “ื”ืชื•ืจื” ื”ืขื™ื“ื” ืขืœื™ื ื• ืกื•ื’ื” ื‘ืฉื•ืฉื ื™ื”

    Tosfos clearly sates that it is less….

    #1508949

    Charedi kby soldier
    Participant

    @yungerman123, Rav Moshe says in igros Moshe, chailek yoreh daya bet, siman 82 that, while ideally, when riding in a taxi, a married woman should bring her husband, if he is unable to come then she can still ride with a male driver due to the fact that he is busy with his work and wouldn’t want to ruin how reputation, in addition to the fact that mayikar hadin there is no yichud because there are lots of cars on the road.
    In chailek even haezer 4 siman 65 sif 3, he says that in a shaas hadchak, like when someone and how female neighbor are going to the same place, or when a woman is hitchhiking on the side of the road, where if he doesn’t let her in she’ll say that he is ืฆืจ ืขื™ืŸ ื•ืื›ื–ืจื™, one can give the ride, because the only real issur would be if they go off the road and we’re not really concerned about that.
    In both tshuvos, while he does stress that lichatcheela one should avoid the situation, he says that it is muttar mayikar hadin (in the yoreh daya tshuva, he says that issur yichud also would apply even if there’s only a chashash that they’ll violate lo sikrevu, which is lichora a chiddush).
    There is also a story that I read about an Adam gadol who was niftar a few years ago, said over by a Talmid, that he was once driving and three girls wanted a ride, he considered the fact that even with three of them there is reason to be machmeer for yichud but ended up being maykil due to the ื’ืžื™ืœื•ืช ื—ืกื“ involved and the fact that Rav Moshe held that it’s muttar mayikar hadin if I remember correctly (the first part is definitely true, I don’t remember for sure that he also used Rav Moshe’s sheeta). Perhaps there’s a chiluk between giving a ride and taking a ride in terms of the considerations needed.

    #1508950

    Uncle Ben
    Participant

    Shopping: I believe that most girls who wind up in Arab relationships come from dysfunctional homes. Nonetheless, constantly greeting female neighbors or co-workers can lead to kirvah and is discussed in the Rambam.
    The concept of an office where men & women worked together was unheard of in the times of Chazal. If it was there is no doubt that they would have instituted precautionary guidelines for them.

    #1508951

    Charedi kby soldier
    Participant

    @gaon, that tosfos is specifically talking about ishto needa, with whom yichud is muttar, and he’s giving a reason, someone you’re not married to would not have that kula.

    #1508952

    benignuman
    Participant

    Slonimer and Gaon,

    Eishes Ish is a greater if one commits a capital crime. But with respect to the Issur Yichud, they are the same. According to Rashi, yichud by a niddah is learned out of yichud by an eishes ish.

    That Tosafos is ambiguous. I could be that Tosafos is saying is that ishto niddah is more lenient because she will become tahor shortly, but a penuyah nidda remains asur mid’oraisa just like eishes ish. You can also understand Tosafos as holding that the yichud by a nidda is only d’rabbanan. But the Tur and Shulchan Aruch pasken that it is d’oraisa.

    #1508953

    benignuman
    Participant

    Meno and Shopping613,

    When I wrote that it was certainly fine, I meant from a halachic perspective. I was no discussing what is ideal for chinuch or ones need to set up fences. Those depend on the community and the individual in question.

    #1508963

    Depends who your Rabbi is and what Torah you follow.
    None of this is black and white

    #1508977

    Charedi kby soldier
    Participant

    @benignuman, even from a halachic perspective, it isn’t clear that it’s certainly fine, the gmara in kiddushin daf70 says that Ain shoalin bishalom Isha and is quoted in shulchan aruch, even haezer siman 21 sif 6. One could argue based on the tosfos in kiddushin daf 82a deebur hamaschil hakol lishaim shamayim, which is quoted by Rama, siman 21 sif5, that it would be muttar nowadays, see also the Baer haitev there sif katan 9, who has a very interesting kula in the name of maharshal, also the last ritva in kiddushin who seems to say that it’s dependent on the person, one could argue that nowadays no one really has improper thoughts by a simple greeting because it has become the norm and then the ritva could be a blanket heter, but it may be somewhat subjective, which is a halachic consideration, so in conclusion, while perhaps limaase, in most situations you’re correct, if it can lead to something else, it’s assur mayikar hadin (that may be uncommon though) and from the sugya it is not pashut muttar, if going back to the gmara.

    #1508990

    benignuman
    Participant

    Chareidi kby soldier,

    That is why I wrote “good morning” and “good evening” as examples and not “how are you.” The former two are certainly mutar, the latter is as you wrote.

    It also seems to me that even without the Rama, according to the Shulchan Aruch it might only refer to genuinely asking how she is doing, not the perfunctionary “Hi, how are you?” that one uses when engaging it routine commercial speech.

    #1509001

    Charedi kby soldier
    Participant

    @benignuman, the gmara in kiddushin daf 70 mentions the issur in reference to sending shalma to a married woman, I thought that referred to simple regards and the response was kol bieesha erva, which is very interesting, Rashi explains that if he sends regards, she’ll respond. We generally assume that kol Isha is specifically a singing voice, it could be that here it’s saying that any statement involving a level of closeness also qualifies, which may even be a simple greeting. Again, the societal setup in the gmara’s time was very different and there was far more separation, I’m not sure that they weren’t saying simple greetings between married women and other men are assur, because society has changed and we do this to be polite, it should certainly fall under hakol lishaim shamayim, but I’m not sure you’re correct about a greeting.

    #1509048

    Charedi kby soldier
    Participant

    What I meant at the very end about not being sure about whether you’re correct about a greeting was that I’m not sure that the amoraim held it was muttar (but it would lichora still be muttar today) (this post might be redundant, but I just wanted to alleviate confusion that may have occurred due to my ambiguousness at the end of the previous post, I admit it wasn’t well written)

    #1509060

    shimen
    Participant

    avreimi

    if its assur then its’ mitzvah haboo beaveira’. remenber the torah is shulchen aruch not ‘boich svares’
    leaning aven azer chapter 21 will help

    #1509095

    Midwest2
    Participant

    The first principle here would be, “just have sekel.” If the woman is stranded, you definitely want to give/take a ride. And I don’t think that driving someone’s bubby to the airport is problematic. I also don’t think that today’s society is comparable to the times of the Gemara.

    The bottom line: if you have doubts, ask your Rav, particularly if he’s older and has a lot of experience advising people in everyday life. He knows the halachas, knows you, and knows the circumstances of the community in which you live.

    #1509153

    Avi K
    Participant

    Soldier, he went through the whole sugya while driving? I heard from one of his talmidim that Rav Gustman was opposed to listening to tapes of shiurim because it would distract the driver. On the other hand, once a driver asked me to pay with a devar Torah. When I told him that he went into a whole pilpul about why it is really muttar .

    As for the social situation now as opposed to in Chazal’s time, we see that saying “shalom” was so important that one could even interrupt keriat shema. Today that is definitely not the case. Yoram Gaon once said a monologue during a concert. He said that he wanted to know if people really cared about how he was doing. He went into a whole song and dance about his supposed troubles and people edged away.

    #1509171

    adocs
    Participant

    Why the big discussion about rides? Why is this different than any other interaction between men and women which have halachic guidelines that are dependent on the details of the situation. Namely, relationship, purpose of interaction, and surrounding environment (i.e. presence or absence of other people)

    #1509186

    Joseph
    Participant

    adocs: because in a car or vehicle you’re enclosed in a private room with just you and the passenger.

    #1509194

    benignuman
    Participant

    Chareidi KBY Soldier,

    I have always understood that Gemara in Kiddushin to be Rav Yehudah testing/teasing Rav Nachman. Rav Yehudah keeps on finding halachic problems with what Rav Nachman is doing and Rav Nachman struggles to answer. But Rav Yehudah doesn’t mean that there is an actual issur, he was just trying to see if Rav Nachman would respond that kol b’isha erva is only about zemer or only niskaven l’hanos or only b’shas kriash shema (according to those Rishonim that understand it that way).

    All that being said, the Rashba explains that gemara by saying that responding to a sheilas shalom is worse than regular non-zemer kol. In other words it is just a sheilas sholom by another name.

    As evidence that simple talking is not asur even in the times of the gemara, I would present the hundreds of stories in Shas where Tannaim, Amoraim, and regular people talk to the opposite gender without any indication or comment that there was any issur involved.

    #1509281

    laskern
    Participant

    The story of Bruriah who reprimanded Rabbi Yosei for saying some extra words to her when he asked the way to Lud. Eruvin 53b

    #1509279

    adocs
    Participant

    Joseph-

    OK. So if a car in fact has the same status as a private room, it is subject to the same heteirim if relevant i.e. visible to the public and subject to the same restrictions regarding appropriate interaction between the genders.

    My point is that there is no chiddush here regarding a car. Define its status in that particular circumstance and the Halacha is the same.

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