girls chesed car rides

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  • #1239902
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    How do you explain to a girl you do not want to give her rides anymore?

    #1239908
    Meno
    Participant

    You don’t.

    You keep giving her rides because you shouldn’t be alone in your car with the guy who is OTD and has a tattoo, even though he tells you he wants to learn full time.

    #1239914
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    Meno, I am over that phase. He does not need to learn full time. I want him because I see his beautiful neshama. He is a precious Jew just like me and you. His road may have been harder than yours or mine. He is a good Jewish boy with a precious neshama that had a hard life. His precious neshama deserves my precious neshama. We will iyh build a beautiful neman byisroel together.

    #1239923
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    If he has such a precious neshama, how was it that he convinced you to be oiver on an aveirah around 2 weeks ago?

    http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/marrying-a-good-boy-who-might-not-be-good-enough-for-you/#post-1220622

    btw, of course he has a precious neshama – everyone does, and it’s beautiful that you can see that. But the issue isn’t his neshama; it’s what he is l’maaseh right now. And based on your previous comments, he’s not in a great state right now.

    #1239935
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    Lilmod, what aveirah are you referring to?

    #1239937
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    The one in the link.

    #1239947
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    Lilmod, I see no aveirah there. Maybe I am mistaken?

    #1239949
    WinnieThePooh
    Participant

    When did the CR turn into a soap opera?

     

    We’re trying our best to contain it to only one network  channel thread

    #1239955
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    You said that he got you to listen to goyish music.

    #1239967
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    Lilmod, if someone has not Jewish music in there car no one “can make them” listen to it. So they did it on their own.

    #1239968
    Joseph
    Participant

    Hanging out with him is the bigger aveira.

    #1239986
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Rebshidduch, here, I cut and pasted to make it easier for you to remember what you wrote:

    First off he somehow convinces me to put not Jewish music on. Then he has the nerve and chutzpah to ask me to hang out with him.

    #1239988
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    “When did the CR turn into a soap opera?”

    Well, those of us who don’t watch soap operas need some form of entertainment 🙂

    And maybe this can help those who do to wean themselves off of it.

    #1239993
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    You also wrote this:

    What do you mean not dating yet? We never went out together b’h otherwise the situation would be much worse than what it is now. I do not want a guy like him.

    #1239994
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    And this:

    The reasons why I would never go with him are obvious. Look at the kind of girlfriend his brother has that is the kind of girl he needs not me.

    #1240013
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    Joseph and Lilmod, I started this topic not about guys I was asking about how to tell a girl to stop coming with me because I do not want to give her rides. Instead you guys are trying to convince me not to date a certain guy. I may date him and personally it is non your business to tell me who to date and who not to date. So go back to the original topic and answer the question.

    #1240016

    Point taken, i will try to mod accordingly

    #1240037
    Meno
    Participant

    Ok then, back to the original topic.

    Why don’t you want to give her rides?

    #1240087
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    Meno, because she is out of the way. I am in shidduchim now and do not have the time like before to help her.

    #1240105
    Meno
    Participant

    So just say that lately you’ve been really busy, and as much as you enjoy her company, it’s getting difficult to drive so far out of the way for her.

    It would probably be a nice thing to help her find another ride as well.

    #1240124
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    Meno, I do not know anyone else going besides me and her. I have tried telling her that but then she insists to wait for me on my way and I do not want her to be like why are you able to drive him but not me? Answer is your a girl and he might be my basheret but I do not want her to know that yet. She will find out as the relationship gets more serious.

    #1240131
    Meno
    Participant

    I see. So it’s not because she’s out of the way.

    #1240135
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    Meno, it is non her business who I am dating and she does not need to know.

    #1240141
    Meno
    Participant

    I understand that, and I agree.

    My point was that if you want advice from people, you need to give them the facts.

    Anyway, tell her you’ve contracted a disease which is highly contagious but only to other females and only within confined spaces.

    That one usually works for me.

    #1240255
    Joseph
    Participant

    You must give her rides. Otherwise the boy will realize you don’t do chesed and drop you like a hotcake.

    #1240408
    yichusdik
    Participant

    Rebshidduch – If you aren’t trolling everyone (and honestly, it’s hard to tell), please consider the following. And I say this as someone who almost never comments on threads like this.

    If you don’t want to give someone a ride, say I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore, and don’t editorialize. move on.

    If you are still intent on helping the guy with rides and consequently hanging out,

    1. Although you are in your twenties, your posts here do not reflect the maturity of someone in that age bracket. If these posts are a true reflection, and you intend to find your bashert and marry, your comments on that and even on how to tell someone something they might react negatively to demonstrate that you are simply not ready. Hold on to your dreams, and have some self control, and revisit this when you have some more life experience or good advice.

    2. If you are seeking the blessing of several anonymous people here, most of whom have a yeshivish perspective, to give a false rationale for stopping a chesed or for dating someone who doesn’t meet yeshivish standards, and who wasn’t introduced in a yeshivish way, forget it, you will not ever get their approval, move on.

    3. If you are intent on dating him anyway, perhaps in the hope of molding him into the man you want to marry, know that you will never, ever, ever, change him. He is the only person who can do that, no matter how strong willed and pure you think you are (and may be). It is a recipe for disaster. I speak from experience. Move on.

    4. Please do your self a favour. take a deep breath. stop and think. Read, ask advice from non anonymous people, from people who aren’t contemporaries of yours with vested interests and a similar lack of life experience. Maybe a Rabbi or rebbitzen, maybe a therapist, but not necessarily so. A parent, an older sibling, a family friend, a former teacher. Advice is good, when YOU ask for it, and when YOU internalize it. Keep in mind that the decisions you make about how to deal with people, whether it is being honest with them when it is difficult, or about shidduchim and dating and marriage now have lifetime implications for how you will deal with every person, every challenge, every crisis.

    Mods I hope that you will post this in full. Much of what I am writing applies not only to the dating situation but to the common sense and maturity that could help Rebshidduch with her decision making in all things, including who she gives a ride to.

    #1240526
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    Joseph, I doubt it. Why would he do that?

    #1240530
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    yichusdik, I see where you are coming from. I am coming from a MO background once again. Maybe for the yeshivish people for someone my age there usually already either married or going out on shidduchim dates. I am going out with a boyfriend that is the only difference.

    #1240528
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    Meno, haha. I am in shidduchim now and it is hard enough as is. I do not need her making it harder for me.

    #1241080
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Rebshidduch – your original posts on this topic were about how you were concerned that you would end up dating this guy and you wanted chizuk to not do so. So don’t criticize the people who are trying to do just that.

    In terms of this girl, it would be incredibly rude for you to stop giving her rides. It is also highly inconsistent with the fact that you have posted about how doing chesed is so important to you and that is why you were giving this guy rides even though you were concerned that you might end up dating him. This is your opportunity to do a true chesed – helping someone else out even when there is no personal gain and when there is in fact, an inconvenience. If you are truly a baalas chesed, you will continue to give her rides. And when people call me as a reference for you for shiddduchim, I will be sure to let them know what a baalas chesed you are, b”n!

    #1241075
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Meno – lol

    #1241106
    WinnieThePooh
    Participant

    On the small chance that the following advice will be noticed:

    Rebshidduch, you have been telling us that you are ready to build a bayis neeman with this guy (the one you only recently described as being someone you would never date), but also that you have not actually started dating.

    so 1. how do you know that he is really for you and that he makes you happy, etc when you have not dated him for tachlis of getting married?
    2. how do you know that he even wants to get married and if so, marry you, if you have not even dated?
    3. Are your expectations grounded in reality, or wishful thinking because your first attempt at trying the standard shadchan way have not been successful?

    I suspect that all the attention that he is giving you right now may fade away when you show that you are interested in him and want to date to get married.
    Where will that leave you?

    Stick with giving the girl the ride.

    #1241183
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    Lilmod, sure I will have the guy call you as a reference for me iyh.

    #1241186
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    Winnie, because he told me to marry a more modern guy and he asked to become friends with me.

    #1241224
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Are you sure you want to date a guy who’s friends with girls?

    #1241290
    bmyer
    Participant

    I think we should repost what yechusdik posted everytime rebshidduch posts…

    #1241347
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    RebYidd, very good point which I was very concerned with. But it is okay so I can be friends with guys also same way he is friends with girls.

    #1241379
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    So as long as you are also doing something wrong, it’s okay if he does? And if he does something wrong, it’s okay for you to?

    #1241416
    WinnieThePooh
    Participant

    Rebshidduch- think very carefully.
    He may have just been pointing out (correctly) that you are not ready to marry a full-time Lakewood guy. When he said you should marry a more modern guy, he may not have been referring to himself. And if what you wrote is accurate, then he asked you to be friends and not to date towards marriage, which is a huge difference.
    I still think you should seriously think over the things I and others here have said.

    #1241422
    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    “And if what you wrote is accurate, then he asked you to be friends and not to date towards marriage, which is a huge difference.”

    THAT is a very good point. And if you ask him, he will probably lie.

    Even if you do date him, which would be a terrible idea, you should still have a shadchan. Even when girls date guys that they happened to have met, they can (and should) still have a shadchan as a go-between.

    #1241459
    rebshidduch
    Participant

    Lilmod, I never said that. That is a very good point. I am going to think about it.

    #1242083
    misteryudi
    Participant

    Having a shadchan as a go-between for two people who have already met is like hiring an entire circus for your kid’s birthday party: They’re just going to get in the way, and you are all perfectly happy with just having cake and ice cream, anyway.

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