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most forwards are a waste of time but I felt like I just had to share these: Enjoy! 🙂
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
When in doubt, mumble.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
1. What’s my birthday present?
“You see that yellow Ferrari over there?
“OMG YES?!”
“Well I got you a notebook in the same color
2. Wife: what are you planning to do today? Husband: nothing. Wife:
you did that for the last week . Husband: but I’m not
finished
3. Dad : Son, what do you want for your birthday? Son : Not much dad,
just a radio with a sports car around it
4. I Miss The Days When The hardest choices in life were choosing
which crayon to use.
5. I do half the work in the kitchen, my wife cooks and I eat the food
6. Dear 99 Cent Store, Did you ever consider opening a gas station?
Sincerely, The World
7. When I cross a one way road, I still look both sides Just in case
there are any women driving
8. I don’t have health insurance, but I do have car insurance. So
whenever I get sick I just go crash my car into a tree
9. Life is too short to remove the USB safely
EDITED
12. women live longer then man : Scientific studies have proved that
.”shopping” never causes heart attacks but, paying the bills does
13. Grandfather: “Go hide your teacher is here because you skipped school
today!” Me: “YOU go hide!… I told her you were DEAD!
14. Only in America do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to
the counters!
15. Don’t be like cigarettes, people buy you when they need you & step on
you when they’re finished using you
16. dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. don’t put that stupid
look on my face then leave
17. A bank is a place that will land you money if you can prove that you
don’t need it
18. Teacher: I hope I don’t see you copying another student’s homework.
Student: Yeah, I hope you don’t see that either
19. Baby mosquito came back after 1st time flying, His mom asked: How U
feel? He replied: It was wonderful, Everyo1 was clapping 4 me
20. Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no
more soda?
21. Not Having to set an Alarm for the next day is one of the best
feelings in the world ?
22. Dear generous person, please refrain from holding the door when I’m a
mile away. It’s just awkward Sincerely, running 2 the door…………
23. Some guy knocked on my door saying he was collecting for a mikvah…
So I gave him two cups of water and a bar of soap
24. Husband to his wife: I must admit u brought religion into my life coz
I never believed in HELL Until I Met u
25. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
26. Wife: Why are you home so early? Husband: My boss told me to go to
hell
27. I just stepped on a cornflake. Now, I am officially a cereal killer.
28. Scientists Have proved That
2904583172 People On The Earth Are Lazy Because They Didn’t Even Read This
Number.
29. Hey, people who cry at weddings: DO YOU LAUGH AT FUNERALS?
30. Some kids are like ketchup bottles. You have to slap the bottom a few
times to get them moving!
Better to be silent and thought stupid, than to talk, and remove all doubt
A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film
‘One out of every four people have slight mental instability.Check out
three of your friends. If they are ok, your the one!
He who laughs last probably didn’t get the joke
Some cause happiness wherever they go; some whenever they go.
Winners never quit,quitters never win
Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
life is tough, but its tougher if you’re stupid
have paid for me.
Being Stupid isnt as easy as it may look
Im not stupid i just lack common sense
I once thought I was wrong, but i was mistaken
Some people are pretty, and some people are stupid, but the majority
of people are pretty stupid
When I was first called stupid, I had to look the word up.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it’s limits.
It’s tough being a teenager. Half the adults are telling you to find
yourself and the other half are telling you to get lost.
Money talks … but all mine ever says is goodbye!
I need a 6 month vacation, twice a year.
Don’t play stupid with me, I am better at it
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.
On Time, is When I Get There!
keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you’ve been up to.
just be happy im not a twin
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me
YOU CAN’T SCARE ME
followed on the bottom with
I HAVE CHILDREN
When it comes to stupidity, he is a genius
Sometimes I sit and think. Sometimes I just sit.
Stupidity is a choice but some people abuse it.
If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
Is being stupid a new trend? Because everyone is doing it.
Stupidity is not covered by warranty.
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you any worse advice.
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
I like you. People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you.
“dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. don’t put that stupid
look on my face then leave”
lol I like.
lol thanks for repeating that, now i got to laugh without having to read the whole thing
Dear poster, sorry but I’m not scrolling all the way back up to the top to see who you were. These were some great lines.
Now a riddle for you guys, one line was repeated and one word was misspelled, what are they?????
Bank is a place where they lend you money if you can prove you don’t need it, great one! Although the banks’ theory is correct.
To all those lookign for THE ONE — it’s at the upper left corner on the keyboard.
In bed – it’s 6 AM, you close your eyes for 5 minutes….. it’s 7:45.
In school – it’s 1:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes….. it’s 1:31.
A Woman’s: “I’ll be ready to leave in five minutes” is the same as a man’s: “I’ll be home in five minutes”.
To all those lookign for THE ONE — it’s at the upper left corner on the keyboard.
That reminds me of something a rebbi in my old yeshiva used to say:
“If you need a shoulder to cry on, there’s one on the side of the Garden State Parkway.”
The Difference Between Rich People and Poor People
One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son,
“How was the trip?”
“It was great, Dad.”
“Did you see how poor people live?” the father asked.
“Oh yeah,” said the son.
“So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?” asked the father.
The son answered: “I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.
We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.
Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
We have walls around our property to protect us,
They have friends to protect them.”
The boy’s father was speechless.
Then his son added,
“Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are.”
Isn’t perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don’t have. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Pass this on to friends and acquaintances and help them refresh their perspective an appreciation.
“Life is too short and friends are too few.”
Excuse Notes (Allegedly Original, including spelling)
My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
Think first- I know the one that was repeated:”Better to be silent and thought stupid, than to talk, and remove all doubt”. Right?
kapusta- I think these are enough GREAT lines that it deserves to have it’s own thread. What do you think??
Agreed, they were very good.
My sister and I had lots of pins. I found them recently and they are still funny: 1. insanity is hereditary, you get it from your kids. 2. I dont have stress, Im just a carrier.
Thank you for explaining yourself, now please hold while I transfer you to someone who cares.
Syag’s reminded me of this one: “Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.”
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