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please post any good forwards from email, funny inspirational, or just good!
If posting a story, please indicate whether you know it to be true, or place a disclaimer that you are unsure of its accuracy. If you are giving advice, tips or the like MAKE SURE IT IS ACCURATE!
YW Moderator-39
Ponderisms
– Can you cry under water?
– How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
– Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. But it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
– Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
– What disease did cured ham actually have?
– How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
– Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
22-awesome!! love this!
~a~
thanks kapusta 4 starting this
– Can you cry under water?
Crying usually involves breathing. As such, if you can breathe underwater you can cry.
– How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Assassination usually involves political or other public figures.
– Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. But it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
Two different idioms. They don’t have to be compatible with each other.
– Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Because square boxes are easier to stack and store.
– What disease did cured ham actually have?
It didn’t. Look up “cure” in the dictionary.
– How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Expertise in one area does not necessarily translate to another.,
– Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
Because it’s a poorly thought-out idiom.
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Good question. I have no idea.
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Because what you’re paying for is the different perspective.
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway
To put the patients at ease.
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Because it’s a stupid song?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
No
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
Because if he fixed the hole in the boat, then the series would be over.
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
Because Goofy is an anthropomorphic dog (much like Mickey is an anthropomorphic mouse) while Pluto is a true dog.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If a vegetarian eats only vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
No
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Yes. A tune composed by Mozart when he was only five.
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
I didn’t. I already knew it.
Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?
You got me on this one….
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Right. And did you ever notice that if you pinch your own cheek it doesn’t hurt but if someone else does it to you it does hurt?
The Wolf
something else to ponder
…why did the title of the thread just change??
an open book – a bored mod, perhaps?
…why did the title of the thread just change??
Because someone changed it. Next!
The Wolf
22- gr8 start.
why in banks do they chain the pen to the desk but they leave the doors wide open
thanx wolf. i was absolutely stumped there.
22OldGold: ha that was awesome!!!!
wolf: wow creativity points for you there!!!!
kapusta: i like this thread of your’s!!!
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
yes
baa-baa black sheep also has that tune
A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present “Seven Wonders of the World.”
Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most
votes:
1. Egypt’s Great Pyramids
2. Taj Mahal
3. Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St. Peter’s Basilica
7. China’s Great Wall
While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied, “Yes, a little. I couldn’t quite make up my mind because there were so many “
The teacher said, “Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help.”
The girl hesitated, then read, “I think the ‘Seven Wonders of the World’ are:
1. to see
2. to hear
3. to touch
4. to taste
5. to feel
6. to laugh
7. and to love.”
The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.
The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we take for granted are truly wondrous! A gentle reminder — that the most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man.
BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
__________________________________________ ____________
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress–a whimper, a frown–you pick up the baby
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
______________________________________________________
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
_______________________________________________________
Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, Baby Zoo, Baby Movies and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.
_____________________________ _________________________
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
________________________________________________ ______
Pass this on to everyone you know who has children . . . or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children . . .
(The older the mother, the funnier this is! )
GRANDCHILDREN:
God’s reward for allowing your children to live !
I went to a party,
And remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mum
So I had a sprite instead.
I felt proud of myself,
The way you said I would,
That I didn’t drink and drive,
Though some friends said I should..
I made a healthy choice,
And your advice to me was right,
The party finally ended,
And the kids drove out of sight.
I got into my car,
Sure to get home in one piece,
I never knew what was coming, Mum
Something I expected least.
Now I’m lying on the pavement,
And I hear the policeman say,
The kid that caused this wreck was drunk,
Mum, his voice seems far away.
My own blood’s all around me,
As I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the paramedic say,
This girl is going to die.
I’m sure the guy had no idea,
While he was flying high,
Because he chose to drink and drive,
Now I would have to die.
So why do people do it, Mum
Knowing that it ruins lives?
And now the pain is cutting me,
Like a hundred stabbing knives.
Someone should have taught him,
That it’s wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if his parents had,
I’d still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mum
I’m getting really scared.
These are my final moments,
And I’m so unprepared.
I wish that you could hold me Mum,
As I lie here and die.
I wish that I could say, ‘I love you, Mum!’
So I love you and good-bye.
MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers)
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a
little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,
‘I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease;
it’s just that you look so much like my late son.’
He answered, ‘That’s okay.’
‘I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out ‘Good bye, Mom’
as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.’
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her
way out of the store, the man called out, ‘Goodbye, Mom’
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone’s day,
he went to pay for his groceries.
‘That comes to $121.85,’ said the clerk.
‘How come so much … I only bought 5 items..’
The clerk replied, ‘Yeah, but your Mother said
you’d be paying for her things, too.’
Don’t trust little Old Ladies!!!
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.
They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. ‘I want to be gorgeous,’ and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The seco nd one in line hears this and says ‘I want to be gorgeous too’ Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:
‘Make ’em all ugly again.’
NEXT TIME YOU’RE LAST IN LINE. BE HAPPY
WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL???
Try it without looking at the answers…..
please don’t look down until you do it, you’ll love it I promise
GET A CALCULATOR (YOUR COMPUTER HAS ONE ON IT)
1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9
2) Multiply by 3 then
3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3 (I’ll wait while you get the
calculator…..)
4) You’ll get a 2 or 3 digit number..
5) Add the digits together
Now Scroll down …………..
Now with that number see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:
1. Einstein
2. Washington
3. Abraham Lincoln
4. miley cyrus
5. Bill Gates
6. Mark Twain
7. Winston Churchill
8. donald trump
9. myshadow
10. brad pitt
I know…..I just have that effect on people…one day you too can be
like me…. 🙂 Believe it!
PS.: Stop picking different numbers. I am your idol, just deal with it!!!!
Enough for now I’ll put on more tomorrow. Too bad we can’t have pix up I have tonz of hysterical ones!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
by CJaye | October 3, 2008 at 07:48 am
As answered by politicians and other famous folks
Barack Obama: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
John McCain: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
Hillary Clinton: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure – right from Day one – that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.
George W. Bush: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us.
There is no middle ground here.
Dick Cheney: Where’s my gun?
Colin Powell: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
John Kerry: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chickens intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
Al Sharpton: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens!
Dr. Phil: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
Oprah: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of us chickens.
Nancy Grace: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
Pat Buchanan: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.
Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain, alone.
Jerry Falwell: Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth? That’s why they call it the ‘other side’. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other side.’ That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that.
Grandpa: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
Barbara Walters: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious scare of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
Colonel Sanders: Did I miss one???
most of my forwards are all hysterical videos and pic
I love these emails how corny am I?? 😉
i added a few but they havent made it on here(btw mods whats going on here? e/o seems to be having this problem
myshadow: ha those were awesome!!!!!!!!!!! thanx!!!!
coke, some of mine aren’t getting on either.
yea yea kapusta lol just face it buddy!! I’m so idolized!! 🙂
This is a myth, this is not a true story. Do with it as you wish YW Moderator-39
Being that we’re all online here I just wanted to post this email I got a while ago that really scared me, eveyone PLEASE PLEASE READ AND SEND TO OTHER PEOPLE!!!
After tossing her books on the sofa, shannon decided to grab a snack and
get on-line. She logged on under her screen name ByAngel213. She
checked her Buddy List and saw GoTo123 was on. She sent him an instant
message:
ByAngel213:
Hi. I’m glad you are on! I thought someone was following me home
today. It was really weird!
GoTo123:
LOL You watch too much TV. Why would someone be following you?
Don’t you live in a safe neighborhood?
ByAngel213:
Of course I do. LOL I guess it was my imagination cuz’ I didn’t see
anybody when I looked out.
GoTo123:
Unless you gave your name out on-line. You haven’t done that have you?
ByAngel213:
Of course not. I’m not stupid you know.
GoTo123:
Did you have a softball game after school today?
ByAngel213:
Yes and we won!!
GoTo123:
That’s great! Who did you play?
ByAngel213:
We played the Hornets. LOL. Their uniforms are so gross! They look
like bees. LOL
GoTo123:
What is your team called?
ByAngel213:
We are the Canton Cats. We have tiger paws on our uniforms. They are
really cool.
GoTo1 23:
Did you pitch?
ByAngel213:
No I play second base.. I got to go. My homework has to be done before
my parents get home. I don’t want them mad at me. Bye!
GoTo123:
Catch you later. Bye
Meanwhile…….GoTo123 went to the member menu and began to search
for her profile. When it came up, he highlighted it and printed it
out. He took out a pen and began to write down what he knew about
Angel so far.
Her name: Shannon
Birthday: Jan. 3, 1985
Age: 13
State where she lived: North Carolina
Hobbies: softball, chorus, skating and going to the mall. Besides this
information, he knew she lived in Canton because she had just told
him. He knew she stayed by herself until 6:30 p.m. every afternoon
until her parents came home from work. He knew she played softball on
Thursday afternoons on the school team, and the team was named the
Canton Cats. Her favorite number 7 was printed on her jersey. He knew
she was in the eighth grade at the Canton Junior High School . She had
told him all this in the conversations they had on- line. He had
enough information to find her now.
Shannon didn’t tell her parents about the incident on the way home
from the ballpark that day. She didn’t want them to make a scene and
stop her from walking home from the softball games. Parents were
always overreacting and hers were the worst. It made her wish she was
not an only child. Maybe if she had brothers and sisters, her parents
wouldn’t be so overprotective.
By Thursday, Shannon had forgotten about the footsteps following her.
Her game was in full swing when suddenly she felt someone staring at
her. It was then that the memory came back. She glanced up from her
second base position to see a man watching her closely.
He was leaning against the fence behind first base and he smiled when
she looked at him. He didn’t look scary and she quickly dismissed the
sudden fear she had felt.
After the game, he sat on a bleacher while she talked to the coach..
She noticed his smile once again as she walked past him. He nodded and
she smiled back. He noticed her name on the back of her shirt. He knew
he had found her.
Quietly, he walked a safe distance behind her. It was only a few
blocks to Shannon ‘s home, and once he saw where she lived he quickly
returned to the park to get his car.
Now he had to wait. He decided to get a bite to eat until the time
came to go to Shannon ‘s house. He drove to a fast food restaurant and
sat there until time to make his move.
Shannon was in her room later that evening when she heard voices in
the living room.
‘Shannon, come here,’ her father called. He sounded upset and she
couldn’t imagine why. She went into the room to see the man from the
ballpark sitting on the sofa.
‘Sit down,’ her father began, ‘this man has just told us a most
interesting story about you.’
Shannon sat back. How could he tell her parents anything? She had
never seen him before today!
‘Do you know who I am, Shannon ?’ the man asked..
‘No,’ Shannon answered.
‘I am a police officer and your online friend, GoTo123.’
Shannon was stunned. ‘That’s impossible! GoTo is a kid my age! He’s
14. And he lives in Michigan !’
The man smiled. ‘I know I told you all that, but it wasn’t true. You
see, Shannon , there are people on-line who pretend to be kids; I was
one of them. But while others do it to injure kids and hurt them, I
belong to a group of parents who do it to protect kids from predators.
I came here to find you to teach you how dangerous it is to talk to
people on-line. You told me enough about yourself to make it easy for
me to find you. You named the school you went to, the name of your
ball team and the position you played. The number and name on your
jersey just made finding you a breeze.’
Shannon was stunned. ‘You mean you don’t live in Michigan ?’
He laughed. ‘No, I live in Raleigh .. It made you feel safe to think I
was so far away, didn’t it?’
She nodded.
‘I had a friend whose daughter was like you. Only she wasn’t as lucky.
The guy found her and murdered her while she was home alone.. Kids are
taught not to tell anyone when they are alone, yet they do it all the
time on-line. The wrong people trick you into giving out information a
little here and there on-line. Before you know it, you have told them
enough for them to find you without even realizing you have done it. I
hope you’ve learned a lesson from this and won’t do it again. Tell
others about this so they will be safe too?’
‘It’s a promise!’
That night Shannon and her Dad and Mom all knelt down together and
thanked God for protecting Shannon from what could have been a tragic
situation.
My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.
‘Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that’s taught by Mr. Wright?
It’s all about the laws today,
The ‘Children’s Bill of Rights.’
It says I need not clean my room,
Don’t have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
Or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don’t have to bow my head,
And I sure don’t have to pray.
I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me,
I’ll charge you with a crime.
I’ll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.
Don’t you ever touch me,
My body’s only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that’s just more child abuse.
Don’t preach about your morals,
Like your Mum did to you.
That’s nothing more than mind control,
And it’s illegal too!
Mum, I have these children’s rights,
So you can’t influence me,
Or I’ll call Children’s Services Division,
Better known
As ‘C.S.D.’
Mum’s Reply and Thoughts
Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn’t let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he’s messing with a pro.
Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store..
I told him, ‘Pick out all you want,
there’s shirts & pants galore.
I’ve called and checked with C.S.D .
Who said they didn’t care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of Nike Airs.
I’ve canceled that appointment
To take your driver’s test.
The C.S.D. Is unconcerned
So I’ll decide what’s best.’
I said ‘No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own ‘efen’ lunch.
Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We’re having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine.’
He asked ‘Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?’
‘Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
You’ll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. Requires
Just a roof over your head.
Your clothing won’t be trendy now,
I’ll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.
I’m selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the ‘Parents Bill of Rights’,
It’s in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D..?’
Send to all people that have teenagers or have already raised teenagers,
Or have children who will soon be teenagers or those who will be parents someday
OR ANYONE WHO’D JUST GET A LAUGH. I love this One!!!
From a MuM
> On a Northwest Airways flight from Atlanta, GA., a
> middle-aged, well to do woman
> found herself sitting next to a man wearing a kipa
> (‘yarmulka’ in Yiddish)
>
> She called the attendant over to complain about her
> seating.
>
> ‘What seems to be the problem Madam?’ asked the
> attendant.
>
> ‘You’ve sat me next to a Jew!! I can’t
> possibly sit next to this disgusting
> person. Find me another seat!’
>
> ‘Please calm down Madam.’ the attendant replied.
> ‘The flight is very full
> today, but I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll go
> and check to see if we have any
> seats available in club or first class.’
>
> The woman shoots a snooty look at the snubbed Jewish man
> beside her (not to
> mention many of the surrounding passengers).
>
> A few minutes later the attendant returned. The woman
> cannot help but look at
> the people around her with a smug and self satisfied grin.
>
> The flight attendant then says…’Madam, unfortunately,
> as I suspected, economy
> is full. I’ve spoken to the cabin services director,
> and club is also full.
> However, we do have one seat in first class.’
>
> Before the lady has a chance to respond, the attendant
> continues…’It is most
> extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I
> had to get special
> permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances,
> the captain felt
> that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit
> next to such a
> person….’
>
> The flight attendant turned to the Jewish man sitting next
> to her, and said: ‘So
> if you’d like to get your things, sir, I have your seat
> in first class ready for
> you…’ At this point, the surrounding passengers stood
> and gave a standing
> ovation, while the Jewish man walked up to the front of the
> plane.’
>
> When the attendant tells the lady the Captain’s
> arrangement the lady says
> indignantly ‘I think that The Captain must have made
> some kind of mistake.’
>
> To which the attendant replied, ‘No M’am. Captain
> Cohen never makes any
> mistakes.’
10 ways to terrorize a telemarketer
10. When they ask ‘How are you today?’ Tell them! ‘I’m so glad you asked
because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems;
my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog
just died….’
9. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell
their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where their
company is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions
about their for as long as necessary. Such as when did their company
start, who was the founder, are they still with company?
8. Cry out in surprise, the name of the telemarker name such as
‘Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?’
Hopefully, this will give ‘Judy’ a few brief moments of pause as
she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and
Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, ‘I don’t have
any friends. would you be my friend?’
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on ‘home arrest’ and ask if they
could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry
you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just
give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they
will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When
the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say
‘I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?’ The
telemarketer will agree and you say, ‘Now you know how I feel!’
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
‘Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?’
And first and foremost:
1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD
down.
myshadow: wow seems like your own blog here!!! that Shannon one was so spooky!!!!!
New Store Opened
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper
may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to
the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
reads:
Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
and Help With Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
NAMES IN CELL PHONES??
Might want to make a few changes after reading this?
Be careful how you list names on your cell phone! This lady has changed her habit of how she lists her names on her mobile phone after her handbag was stolen. Her handbag which contained her mobile, Credit card, purse…etc…. was stolen. 20 minutes later when she called her Husband, from a pay phone telling him what had happened, hubby says ‘I’ve Just received your text asking about our Pin number and I’ve replied a little while ago.’
When they rushed down to the bank, the bank staff told them all the money was already withdrawn. The pickpocket had actually used the stolen hand phone to text ‘hubby’ in the contact list and got hold of the pin number. Within 20 minutes he had withdrawn all the money from the bank account.
Moral of the lesson: Do not disclose the relationship between you and the people in your contact list. Avoid using names like Home, Hubby, Dad, Mom etc……
***. And very importantly, when sensitive info is being asked thru text s, CONFIRM by calling back.
Also, when you’re being texted by friends or family to meet them somewhere, be sure to call back to confirm that the message came from them. If you don’t reach them, be very careful about going places to meet ‘family and friends’ who text you..
these are great!!! keep ’em comin!!!
DID I READ THAT SIGN RIGHT?
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE
LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT
BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON
THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a
secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING
YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON
THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW
TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL
DOESN’T WORK)
v Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
v A sharp tongue can cut your own throat.
v If you want your dreams to come true, you mustn’t oversleep.
v Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.
v The best vitamin for making friends….. B1.
v The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.
v The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge.
v One thing you can give and still keep…is your word.
v You lie the loudest when you lie to yourself
v If you lack the courage to start, you have already finished.
v One thing you can’t recycle is wasted time. Ideas won’t work unless you do.
v Your mind is like a parachute…it functions only when open.
v The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice.
v The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime! It is never too late to become what you might have been.
v Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one’s who don’t.
v Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it change’s your life, let it.
v Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.
v Friends are like balloons; once you let them go, you might not get them back. Sometimes we get so busy with our own lives and problems that we may not even notice that we’ve let them fly away.
v Sometimes we are so caught up in who’s right and who’s wrong that we forget what’s right and wrong.
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless, and so so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card,
and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:
Family Member: “I am calling to tell you she died in January.”
Citibank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”
Family Member: “Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.”
Citibank: “Since it is two months past due, it already has been.”
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”
Citibank: “Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!”
Family Member: “Do you think God will be mad at her?” (I really liked this part!!!!)
Citibank: “Excuse me?”
Family Member: “Did you just get what I was telling you – the part about her being dead?”
Citibank: “Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.” (Duh!)
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: “I’m calling to tell you, she died in January.”
Citibank: “The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.” (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)
Family Member: “You mean you want to collect from her estate?”
Citibank: (Stammer) “Are you her lawyer?”
Family Member: “No, I’m her great nephew.” (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: “Could you fax us a certificate of death?”
Family Member: “Sure.” (Fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: “Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.”
Family Member: “Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don’t think she will care
.”
Citibank: “Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.” (What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: “Would you like her new billing address?”
Citibank: “That might help.”
Family Member: ” Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.”
Citibank: “Sir, that’s a cemetery!”
Family Member: “What do you do with dead people on your planet?
Mrs beautiful: I liked that one!!
Mrs. Beautiful: ha that was awesome!!! thanz for the entertainment!!!!
this is really strange i tried to post something twice and it didnt go and i really dont think anything was even questionable unless the mod wants to fill me in on why it isnt posting
baal kishron: that happens sometimes, it’s not anything personal!!!
this is really strange i tried to post something twice and it didnt go and i really dont think anything was even questionable unless the mod wants to fill me in on why it isnt posting
1. It was thrice, not twice
2. The case of the McDonalds Coffee was NOT a frivolous lawsuit. When I get more time, maybe I’ll post the full story.
What bothers me about the post, thus, is if they get that so wrong, how can I know the authenticity of the other stories. Probably just a ‘pet peeve’ of mine, but for that reason the post does not get my approval.
Don’t know whether or not you’ll accept this line of reasoning, or whether you’ll post it in a few hours and another mod will publish it. But I at least hope you appreciate my taking the time to defend my position here (especially when I have no obligation to do so).
YW Moderator-39
thank you mod-39, you are the most cooperative & helpful mod ever!!! this is already 2nd time ive seen you explain why something was not posted, & usually mods just ignore these questions. so thanx!!!!! your kindness does not go unnoticed
thank you mod-39, you are the most cooperative & helpful mod ever!!! this is already 2nd time ive seen you explain why something was not posted, & usually mods just ignore these questions. so thanx!!!!! your kindness does not go unnoticed
It is easier to do at times when the traffic is “low”. (Like now)
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