Good Forwards (Emails)

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  • #589490

    kapusta
    Participant

    please post any good forwards from email, funny inspirational, or just good!

    If posting a story, please indicate whether you know it to be true, or place a disclaimer that you are unsure of its accuracy. If you are giving advice, tips or the like MAKE SURE IT IS ACCURATE!

    YW Moderator-39

    #1058965

    22OldGold
    Participant

    Ponderisms

    – Can you cry under water?

    – How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

    – Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. But it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

    – Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

    – What disease did cured ham actually have?

    – How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

    – Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

    Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

    Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

    Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway

    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

    Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

    If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

    Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

    Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

    Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

    Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

    Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

    #1058966

    anonymisss
    Participant

    22-awesome!! love this!

    ~a~

    #1058967

    thanks kapusta 4 starting this

    #1058969

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    – Can you cry under water?

    Crying usually involves breathing. As such, if you can breathe underwater you can cry.

    – How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

    Assassination usually involves political or other public figures.

    – Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. But it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

    Two different idioms. They don’t have to be compatible with each other.

    – Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

    Because square boxes are easier to stack and store.

    – What disease did cured ham actually have?

    It didn’t. Look up “cure” in the dictionary.

    – How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

    Expertise in one area does not necessarily translate to another.,

    – Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

    Because it’s a poorly thought-out idiom.

    Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

    Good question. I have no idea.

    Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

    Because what you’re paying for is the different perspective.

    Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway

    To put the patients at ease.

    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

    Because it’s a stupid song?

    Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

    No

    If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

    Because if he fixed the hole in the boat, then the series would be over.

    Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

    Because Goofy is an anthropomorphic dog (much like Mickey is an anthropomorphic mouse) while Pluto is a true dog.

    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

    If a vegetarian eats only vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

    No

    Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

    Yes. A tune composed by Mozart when he was only five.

    Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

    I didn’t. I already knew it.

    Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

    You got me on this one….

    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

    Right. And did you ever notice that if you pinch your own cheek it doesn’t hurt but if someone else does it to you it does hurt?

    The Wolf

    #1058970

    kapusta
    Participant

    22oldgold those were great thankx for getting this thread off to a good start

    mods am I back on your good side(s) now?

    #1058971

    an open book
    Participant

    something else to ponder

    …why did the title of the thread just change??

    #1058972

    Joseph
    Participant

    an open book – a bored mod, perhaps?

    #1058973

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    …why did the title of the thread just change??

    Because someone changed it. Next!

    The Wolf

    #1058974

    amichai
    Participant

    22- gr8 start.

    #1058975

    shtarkbocher
    Member

    why in banks do they chain the pen to the desk but they leave the doors wide open

    #1058976

    an open book
    Participant

    thanx wolf. i was absolutely stumped there.

    #1058978

    kapusta
    Participant

    ames I thought you were my friend, youre supposed to be encouraging this thread 😉

    #1058981

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    22OldGold: ha that was awesome!!!!

    wolf: wow creativity points for you there!!!!

    kapusta: i like this thread of your’s!!!

    #1058982

    kapusta
    Participant

    ames fine if youre only willing to call it a spam thread, then just think of it as a humor thread part 2

    not only humor is accepted her, any good forwards like inspirationals are also welcome!!! AIM: 1000+ really fast!!!

    asdf: of course you do, you probably like everything I start, do etc

    #1058985

    feivel
    Participant

    Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

    yes

    baa-baa black sheep also has that tune

    #1058986

    AL2
    Participant

    A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present “Seven Wonders of the World.”

    Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most

    votes:

    1. Egypt’s Great Pyramids

    2. Taj Mahal

    3. Grand Canyon

    4. Panama Canal

    5. Empire State Building

    6. St. Peter’s Basilica

    7. China’s Great Wall

    While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied, “Yes, a little. I couldn’t quite make up my mind because there were so many “

    The teacher said, “Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help.”

    The girl hesitated, then read, “I think the ‘Seven Wonders of the World’ are:

    1. to see

    2. to hear

    3. to touch

    4. to taste

    5. to feel

    6. to laugh

    7. and to love.”

    The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.

    The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we take for granted are truly wondrous! A gentle reminder — that the most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man.

    #1058987

    myshadow
    Member

    BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

    1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

    2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

    3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

    _____________________________________________________

    Preparing for the Birth:

    1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

    2nd baby: You don’t bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.

    3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

    __________________________________________ ____________

    The Layette:

    1st baby: You pre-wash newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.

    2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

    3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

    ______________________________________________________

    Worries:

    1st baby: At the first sign of distress–a whimper, a frown–you pick up the baby

    2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

    3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

    ______________________________________________________

    Pacifier:

    1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

    2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.

    3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

    ______________________________________________________

    Diapering:

    1st baby: You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

    2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

    3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

    _______________________________________________________

    Activities

    1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, Baby Zoo, Baby Movies and Baby Story Hour.

    2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

    3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.

    _____________________________ _________________________

    Going Out:

    1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

    2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

    3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

    ______________________________________________________

    At Home:

    1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

    2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

    3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children

    ______________________________________________________

    Swallowing Coins (a favorite):

    1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays

    2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

    3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!

    ________________________________________________ ______

    Pass this on to everyone you know who has children . . . or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children . . .

    (The older the mother, the funnier this is! )

    GRANDCHILDREN:

    God’s reward for allowing your children to live !

    #1058988

    myshadow
    Member

    I went to a party,

    And remembered what you said.

    You told me not to drink, Mum

    So I had a sprite instead.

    I felt proud of myself,

    The way you said I would,

    That I didn’t drink and drive,

    Though some friends said I should..

    I made a healthy choice,

    And your advice to me was right,

    The party finally ended,

    And the kids drove out of sight.

    I got into my car,

    Sure to get home in one piece,

    I never knew what was coming, Mum

    Something I expected least.

    Now I’m lying on the pavement,

    And I hear the policeman say,

    The kid that caused this wreck was drunk,

    Mum, his voice seems far away.

    My own blood’s all around me,

    As I try hard not to cry.

    I can hear the paramedic say,

    This girl is going to die.

    I’m sure the guy had no idea,

    While he was flying high,

    Because he chose to drink and drive,

    Now I would have to die.

    So why do people do it, Mum

    Knowing that it ruins lives?

    And now the pain is cutting me,

    Like a hundred stabbing knives.

    Someone should have taught him,

    That it’s wrong to drink and drive.

    Maybe if his parents had,

    I’d still be alive.

    My breath is getting shorter, Mum

    I’m getting really scared.

    These are my final moments,

    And I’m so unprepared.

    I wish that you could hold me Mum,

    As I lie here and die.

    I wish that I could say, ‘I love you, Mum!’

    So I love you and good-bye.

    MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers)

    #1058989

    myshadow
    Member

    A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a

    little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped.

    Furthermore she kept staring at him.

    She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,

    ‘I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease;

    it’s just that you look so much like my late son.’

    He answered, ‘That’s okay.’

    ‘I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out ‘Good bye, Mom’

    as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.’

    She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her

    way out of the store, the man called out, ‘Goodbye, Mom’

    The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him

    Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone’s day,

    he went to pay for his groceries.

    ‘That comes to $121.85,’ said the clerk.

    ‘How come so much … I only bought 5 items..’

    The clerk replied, ‘Yeah, but your Mother said

    you’d be paying for her things, too.’

    Don’t trust little Old Ladies!!!

    #1058990

    myshadow
    Member

    A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

    They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. ‘I want to be gorgeous,’ and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

    The seco nd one in line hears this and says ‘I want to be gorgeous too’ Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

    This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

    When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

    Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:

    ‘Make ’em all ugly again.’

    NEXT TIME YOU’RE LAST IN LINE. BE HAPPY

    #1058991

    myshadow
    Member

    WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL???

    Try it without looking at the answers…..

    please don’t look down until you do it, you’ll love it I promise

    GET A CALCULATOR (YOUR COMPUTER HAS ONE ON IT)

    1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9

    2) Multiply by 3 then

    3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3 (I’ll wait while you get the

    calculator…..)

    4) You’ll get a 2 or 3 digit number..

    5) Add the digits together

    Now Scroll down …………..

    Now with that number see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

    1. Einstein

    2. Washington

    3. Abraham Lincoln

    4. miley cyrus

    5. Bill Gates

    6. Mark Twain

    7. Winston Churchill

    8. donald trump

    9. myshadow

    10. brad pitt

    I know…..I just have that effect on people…one day you too can be

    like me…. 🙂 Believe it!

    PS.: Stop picking different numbers. I am your idol, just deal with it!!!!

    #1058992

    myshadow
    Member

    Enough for now I’ll put on more tomorrow. Too bad we can’t have pix up I have tonz of hysterical ones!

    #1058994

    myshadow
    Member

    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    by CJaye | October 3, 2008 at 07:48 am

    As answered by politicians and other famous folks

    Barack Obama: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

    John McCain: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

    Hillary Clinton: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure – right from Day one – that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.

    George W. Bush: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us.

    There is no middle ground here.

    Dick Cheney: Where’s my gun?

    Colin Powell: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

    Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

    John Kerry: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chickens intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

    Al Sharpton: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens!

    Dr. Phil: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

    Oprah: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of us chickens.

    Nancy Grace: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

    Pat Buchanan: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

    Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

    Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain, alone.

    Jerry Falwell: Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth? That’s why they call it the ‘other side’. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other side.’ That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that.

    Grandpa: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

    Barbara Walters: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious scare of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

    Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

    John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

    Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

    Colonel Sanders: Did I miss one???

    #1058996

    most of my forwards are all hysterical videos and pic

    #1058998

    kapusta
    Participant

    I agree its a shame we cant post vids or pics I have some too 🙂

    myshadow, assuming everyone already read the role model email, can I burst your bubble and say that its a famous thing that every number chosen in the form you said will lead to 9. just an observation and not trying to lose a friend 🙂

    thank you AL2, CNP, myshadow etc for adding emails PLEASE CONTINUE! 🙂

    #1058999

    beacon
    Participant

    I love these emails how corny am I?? 😉

    #1059000

    i added a few but they havent made it on here(btw mods whats going on here? e/o seems to be having this problem

    #1059001

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    myshadow: ha those were awesome!!!!!!!!!!! thanx!!!!

    #1059002

    myshadow
    Member

    coke, some of mine aren’t getting on either.

    yea yea kapusta lol just face it buddy!! I’m so idolized!! 🙂

    #1059003

    myshadow
    Member

    This is a myth, this is not a true story. Do with it as you wish YW Moderator-39

    Being that we’re all online here I just wanted to post this email I got a while ago that really scared me, eveyone PLEASE PLEASE READ AND SEND TO OTHER PEOPLE!!!

    After tossing her books on the sofa, shannon decided to grab a snack and

    get on-line. She logged on under her screen name ByAngel213. She

    checked her Buddy List and saw GoTo123 was on. She sent him an instant

    message:

    ByAngel213:

    Hi. I’m glad you are on! I thought someone was following me home

    today. It was really weird!

    GoTo123:

    LOL You watch too much TV. Why would someone be following you?

    Don’t you live in a safe neighborhood?

    ByAngel213:

    Of course I do. LOL I guess it was my imagination cuz’ I didn’t see

    anybody when I looked out.

    GoTo123:

    Unless you gave your name out on-line. You haven’t done that have you?

    ByAngel213:

    Of course not. I’m not stupid you know.

    GoTo123:

    Did you have a softball game after school today?

    ByAngel213:

    Yes and we won!!

    GoTo123:

    That’s great! Who did you play?

    ByAngel213:

    We played the Hornets. LOL. Their uniforms are so gross! They look

    like bees. LOL

    GoTo123:

    What is your team called?

    ByAngel213:

    We are the Canton Cats. We have tiger paws on our uniforms. They are

    really cool.

    GoTo1 23:

    Did you pitch?

    ByAngel213:

    No I play second base.. I got to go. My homework has to be done before

    my parents get home. I don’t want them mad at me. Bye!

    GoTo123:

    Catch you later. Bye

    Meanwhile…….GoTo123 went to the member menu and began to search

    for her profile. When it came up, he highlighted it and printed it

    out. He took out a pen and began to write down what he knew about

    Angel so far.

    Her name: Shannon

    Birthday: Jan. 3, 1985

    Age: 13

    State where she lived: North Carolina

    Hobbies: softball, chorus, skating and going to the mall. Besides this

    information, he knew she lived in Canton because she had just told

    him. He knew she stayed by herself until 6:30 p.m. every afternoon

    until her parents came home from work. He knew she played softball on

    Thursday afternoons on the school team, and the team was named the

    Canton Cats. Her favorite number 7 was printed on her jersey. He knew

    she was in the eighth grade at the Canton Junior High School . She had

    told him all this in the conversations they had on- line. He had

    enough information to find her now.

    Shannon didn’t tell her parents about the incident on the way home

    from the ballpark that day. She didn’t want them to make a scene and

    stop her from walking home from the softball games. Parents were

    always overreacting and hers were the worst. It made her wish she was

    not an only child. Maybe if she had brothers and sisters, her parents

    wouldn’t be so overprotective.

    By Thursday, Shannon had forgotten about the footsteps following her.

    Her game was in full swing when suddenly she felt someone staring at

    her. It was then that the memory came back. She glanced up from her

    second base position to see a man watching her closely.

    He was leaning against the fence behind first base and he smiled when

    she looked at him. He didn’t look scary and she quickly dismissed the

    sudden fear she had felt.

    After the game, he sat on a bleacher while she talked to the coach..

    She noticed his smile once again as she walked past him. He nodded and

    she smiled back. He noticed her name on the back of her shirt. He knew

    he had found her.

    Quietly, he walked a safe distance behind her. It was only a few

    blocks to Shannon ‘s home, and once he saw where she lived he quickly

    returned to the park to get his car.

    Now he had to wait. He decided to get a bite to eat until the time

    came to go to Shannon ‘s house. He drove to a fast food restaurant and

    sat there until time to make his move.

    Shannon was in her room later that evening when she heard voices in

    the living room.

    ‘Shannon, come here,’ her father called. He sounded upset and she

    couldn’t imagine why. She went into the room to see the man from the

    ballpark sitting on the sofa.

    ‘Sit down,’ her father began, ‘this man has just told us a most

    interesting story about you.’

    Shannon sat back. How could he tell her parents anything? She had

    never seen him before today!

    ‘Do you know who I am, Shannon ?’ the man asked..

    ‘No,’ Shannon answered.

    ‘I am a police officer and your online friend, GoTo123.’

    Shannon was stunned. ‘That’s impossible! GoTo is a kid my age! He’s

    14. And he lives in Michigan !’

    The man smiled. ‘I know I told you all that, but it wasn’t true. You

    see, Shannon , there are people on-line who pretend to be kids; I was

    one of them. But while others do it to injure kids and hurt them, I

    belong to a group of parents who do it to protect kids from predators.

    I came here to find you to teach you how dangerous it is to talk to

    people on-line. You told me enough about yourself to make it easy for

    me to find you. You named the school you went to, the name of your

    ball team and the position you played. The number and name on your

    jersey just made finding you a breeze.’

    Shannon was stunned. ‘You mean you don’t live in Michigan ?’

    He laughed. ‘No, I live in Raleigh .. It made you feel safe to think I

    was so far away, didn’t it?’

    She nodded.

    ‘I had a friend whose daughter was like you. Only she wasn’t as lucky.

    The guy found her and murdered her while she was home alone.. Kids are

    taught not to tell anyone when they are alone, yet they do it all the

    time on-line. The wrong people trick you into giving out information a

    little here and there on-line. Before you know it, you have told them

    enough for them to find you without even realizing you have done it. I

    hope you’ve learned a lesson from this and won’t do it again. Tell

    others about this so they will be safe too?’

    ‘It’s a promise!’

    That night Shannon and her Dad and Mom all knelt down together and

    thanked God for protecting Shannon from what could have been a tragic

    situation.

    #1059004

    myshadow
    Member

    My son came home from school one day,

    With a smirk upon his face.

    He decided he was smart enough,

    To put me in my place.

    ‘Guess what I learned in Civics Two,

    that’s taught by Mr. Wright?

    It’s all about the laws today,

    The ‘Children’s Bill of Rights.’

    It says I need not clean my room,

    Don’t have to cut my hair

    No one can tell me what to think,

    Or speak, or what to wear.

    I have freedom from religion,

    And regardless what you say,

    I don’t have to bow my head,

    And I sure don’t have to pray.

    I can wear earrings if I want,

    And pierce my tongue & nose.

    I can read & watch just what I like,

    Get tattoos from head to toe.

    And if you ever spank me,

    I’ll charge you with a crime.

    I’ll back up all my charges,

    With the marks on my behind.

    Don’t you ever touch me,

    My body’s only for my use,

    Not for your hugs and kisses,

    that’s just more child abuse.

    Don’t preach about your morals,

    Like your Mum did to you.

    That’s nothing more than mind control,

    And it’s illegal too!

    Mum, I have these children’s rights,

    So you can’t influence me,

    Or I’ll call Children’s Services Division,

    Better known

    As ‘C.S.D.’

    Mum’s Reply and Thoughts

    Of course my first instinct was

    To toss him out the door.

    But the chance to teach him a lesson

    Made me think a little more.

    I mulled it over carefully,

    I couldn’t let this go.

    A smile crept upon my face,

    he’s messing with a pro.

    Next day I took him shopping

    At the local Goodwill Store..

    I told him, ‘Pick out all you want,

    there’s shirts & pants galore.

    I’ve called and checked with C.S.D .

    Who said they didn’t care

    If I bought you K-Mart shoes

    Instead of Nike Airs.

    I’ve canceled that appointment

    To take your driver’s test.

    The C.S.D. Is unconcerned

    So I’ll decide what’s best.’

    I said ‘No time to stop and eat,

    Or pick up stuff to munch.

    And tomorrow you can start to learn

    To make your own ‘efen’ lunch.

    Just save the raging appetite,

    And wait till dinner time.

    We’re having liver and onions,

    A favorite dish of mine.’

    He asked ‘Can I please rent a movie,

    To watch on my VCR?’

    ‘Sorry, but I sold your TV,

    For new tires on my car.

    I also rented out your room,

    You’ll take the couch instead.

    The C.S.D. Requires

    Just a roof over your head.

    Your clothing won’t be trendy now,

    I’ll choose what we eat.

    That allowance that you used to get,

    Will buy me something neat.

    I’m selling off your jet ski,

    Dirt-bike & roller blades.

    Check out the ‘Parents Bill of Rights’,

    It’s in effect today!

    Hey hot shot, are you crying,

    Why are you on your knees?

    Are you asking God to help you out,

    Instead of C.S.D..?’

    Send to all people that have teenagers or have already raised teenagers,

    Or have children who will soon be teenagers or those who will be parents someday

    OR ANYONE WHO’D JUST GET A LAUGH. I love this One!!!

    From a MuM

    #1059005

    myshadow
    Member

    > On a Northwest Airways flight from Atlanta, GA., a

    > middle-aged, well to do woman

    > found herself sitting next to a man wearing a kipa

    > (‘yarmulka’ in Yiddish)

    >

    > She called the attendant over to complain about her

    > seating.

    >

    > ‘What seems to be the problem Madam?’ asked the

    > attendant.

    >

    > ‘You’ve sat me next to a Jew!! I can’t

    > possibly sit next to this disgusting

    > person. Find me another seat!’

    >

    > ‘Please calm down Madam.’ the attendant replied.

    > ‘The flight is very full

    > today, but I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll go

    > and check to see if we have any

    > seats available in club or first class.’

    >

    > The woman shoots a snooty look at the snubbed Jewish man

    > beside her (not to

    > mention many of the surrounding passengers).

    >

    > A few minutes later the attendant returned. The woman

    > cannot help but look at

    > the people around her with a smug and self satisfied grin.

    >

    > The flight attendant then says…’Madam, unfortunately,

    > as I suspected, economy

    > is full. I’ve spoken to the cabin services director,

    > and club is also full.

    > However, we do have one seat in first class.’

    >

    > Before the lady has a chance to respond, the attendant

    > continues…’It is most

    > extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I

    > had to get special

    > permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances,

    > the captain felt

    > that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit

    > next to such a

    > person….’

    >

    > The flight attendant turned to the Jewish man sitting next

    > to her, and said: ‘So

    > if you’d like to get your things, sir, I have your seat

    > in first class ready for

    > you…’ At this point, the surrounding passengers stood

    > and gave a standing

    > ovation, while the Jewish man walked up to the front of the

    > plane.’

    >

    > When the attendant tells the lady the Captain’s

    > arrangement the lady says

    > indignantly ‘I think that The Captain must have made

    > some kind of mistake.’

    >

    > To which the attendant replied, ‘No M’am. Captain

    > Cohen never makes any

    > mistakes.’

    #1059006

    myshadow
    Member

    10 ways to terrorize a telemarketer

    10. When they ask ‘How are you today?’ Tell them! ‘I’m so glad you asked

    because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems;

    my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog

    just died….’

    9. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell

    their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where their

    company is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions

    about their for as long as necessary. Such as when did their company

    start, who was the founder, are they still with company?

    8. Cry out in surprise, the name of the telemarker name such as

    ‘Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?’

    Hopefully, this will give ‘Judy’ a few brief moments of pause as

    she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

    7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and

    Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, ‘I don’t have

    any friends. would you be my friend?’

    6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for

    bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

    5. Tell the telemarketer you are on ‘home arrest’ and ask if they

    could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

    4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry

    you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just

    give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

    3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they

    will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When

    the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say

    ‘I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?’ The

    telemarketer will agree and you say, ‘Now you know how I feel!’

    2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.

    ‘Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?’

    And first and foremost:

    1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD

    down.

    #1059007

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    myshadow: wow seems like your own blog here!!! that Shannon one was so spooky!!!!!

    #1059009

    kapusta
    Participant

    to keep my thread alive……..

    How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

    This is will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot.

    But you can’t!!!

    1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor

    and make clockwise circles with it.

    2. Now, while doing this, draw the number “6” in the air with your

    right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!

    I told you so… And there is nothing you can do about it.

    #1059010

    kapusta
    Participant

    The Tomato Factory

    >

    > An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor’s job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, “You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the computer. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day.” Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

    >

    > To this the manager replies, “You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day.”

    >

    > Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers’ market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

    >

    > During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs s fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

    >

    > Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse which his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company’s payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.

    >

    > Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn’t have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, “What, you don’t have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you’d had all of those five years ago!”

    >

    > “Ha!” snorts the man. “If I’d had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour”.

    >

    > Which brings us to the moral:…………………….

    >

    > Since you got this story by e-mail, you’re probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

    >

    > Sadly, I received it also.

    >

    #1059011

    baal kishron
    Participant

    New Store Opened

    A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a

    woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance

    is a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value

    of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper

    may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to

    the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first

    floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.

    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign

    reads:

    Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

    ‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good

    Looking.

    ‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking

    and Help With Housework.

    ‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help

    with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the

    sign reads:

    Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on

    this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible

    to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

    #1059012

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    NAMES IN CELL PHONES??

    Might want to make a few changes after reading this?

    Be careful how you list names on your cell phone! This lady has changed her habit of how she lists her names on her mobile phone after her handbag was stolen. Her handbag which contained her mobile, Credit card, purse…etc…. was stolen. 20 minutes later when she called her Husband, from a pay phone telling him what had happened, hubby says ‘I’ve Just received your text asking about our Pin number and I’ve replied a little while ago.’

    When they rushed down to the bank, the bank staff told them all the money was already withdrawn. The pickpocket had actually used the stolen hand phone to text ‘hubby’ in the contact list and got hold of the pin number. Within 20 minutes he had withdrawn all the money from the bank account.

    Moral of the lesson: Do not disclose the relationship between you and the people in your contact list. Avoid using names like Home, Hubby, Dad, Mom etc……

    ***. And very importantly, when sensitive info is being asked thru text s, CONFIRM by calling back.

    Also, when you’re being texted by friends or family to meet them somewhere, be sure to call back to confirm that the message came from them. If you don’t reach them, be very careful about going places to meet ‘family and friends’ who text you..

    #1059013

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    these are great!!! keep ’em comin!!!

    #1059014

    Phyllis
    Member

    DID I READ THAT SIGN RIGHT?

    In a Laundromat:

    AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE

    LIGHT GOES OUT

    In a London department store:

    BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

    In an office:

    WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT

    BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

    In an office:

    AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON

    THE DRAINING BOARD

    Outside a

    secondhand shop:

    WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING

    YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

    Notice in health food shop window:

    CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

    Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

    Seen during a conference:

    FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON

    THE 1ST FLOOR

    Notice in a farmer’s field:

    THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL

    CHARGES.

    Message on a leaflet:

    IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW

    TO GET LESSONS

    On a repair shop door:

    WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL

    DOESN’T WORK)

    #1059015

    Phyllis
    Member

    v Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

    v A sharp tongue can cut your own throat.

    v If you want your dreams to come true, you mustn’t oversleep.

    v Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

    v The best vitamin for making friends….. B1.

    v The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.

    v The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge.

    v One thing you can give and still keep…is your word.

    v You lie the loudest when you lie to yourself

    v If you lack the courage to start, you have already finished.

    v One thing you can’t recycle is wasted time. Ideas won’t work unless you do.

    v Your mind is like a parachute…it functions only when open.

    v The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice.

    v The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime! It is never too late to become what you might have been.

    v Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one’s who don’t.

    v Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it change’s your life, let it.

    v Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

    v Friends are like balloons; once you let them go, you might not get them back. Sometimes we get so busy with our own lives and problems that we may not even notice that we’ve let them fly away.

    v Sometimes we are so caught up in who’s right and who’s wrong that we forget what’s right and wrong.

    #1059017

    Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.

    This is so priceless, and so so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

    A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card,

    and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

    The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00.

    A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

    Family Member: “I am calling to tell you she died in January.”

    Citibank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”

    Family Member: “Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.”

    Citibank: “Since it is two months past due, it already has been.”

    Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”

    Citibank: “Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!”

    Family Member: “Do you think God will be mad at her?” (I really liked this part!!!!)

    Citibank: “Excuse me?”

    Family Member: “Did you just get what I was telling you – the part about her being dead?”

    Citibank: “Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.” (Duh!)

    Supervisor gets on the phone:

    Family Member: “I’m calling to tell you, she died in January.”

    Citibank: “The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.” (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

    Family Member: “You mean you want to collect from her estate?”

    Citibank: (Stammer) “Are you her lawyer?”

    Family Member: “No, I’m her great nephew.” (Lawyer info given)

    Citibank: “Could you fax us a certificate of death?”

    Family Member: “Sure.” (Fax number is given)

    After they get the fax:

    Citibank: “Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.”

    Family Member: “Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don’t think she will care

    .”

    Citibank: “Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.” (What is wrong with these people?!?)

    Family Member: “Would you like her new billing address?”

    Citibank: “That might help.”

    Family Member: ” Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.”

    Citibank: “Sir, that’s a cemetery!”

    Family Member: “What do you do with dead people on your planet?

    #1059019

    lovenlife
    Member

    Mrs beautiful: I liked that one!!

    #1059021

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    Mrs. Beautiful: ha that was awesome!!! thanz for the entertainment!!!!

    #1059022

    baal kishron
    Participant

    this is really strange i tried to post something twice and it didnt go and i really dont think anything was even questionable unless the mod wants to fill me in on why it isnt posting

    #1059023

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    baal kishron: that happens sometimes, it’s not anything personal!!!

    #1059024

    this is really strange i tried to post something twice and it didnt go and i really dont think anything was even questionable unless the mod wants to fill me in on why it isnt posting

    1. It was thrice, not twice

    2. The case of the McDonalds Coffee was NOT a frivolous lawsuit. When I get more time, maybe I’ll post the full story.

    What bothers me about the post, thus, is if they get that so wrong, how can I know the authenticity of the other stories. Probably just a ‘pet peeve’ of mine, but for that reason the post does not get my approval.

    Don’t know whether or not you’ll accept this line of reasoning, or whether you’ll post it in a few hours and another mod will publish it. But I at least hope you appreciate my taking the time to defend my position here (especially when I have no obligation to do so).

    YW Moderator-39

    #1059025

    an open book
    Participant

    thank you mod-39, you are the most cooperative & helpful mod ever!!! this is already 2nd time ive seen you explain why something was not posted, & usually mods just ignore these questions. so thanx!!!!! your kindness does not go unnoticed

    #1059026

    thank you mod-39, you are the most cooperative & helpful mod ever!!! this is already 2nd time ive seen you explain why something was not posted, & usually mods just ignore these questions. so thanx!!!!! your kindness does not go unnoticed

    It is easier to do at times when the traffic is “low”. (Like now)

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